Affiliation Information

 

It should come as no surprise that practically everyone with a website wants to jump on the digital gravy train that is Project AFTER, and while that desire is completely understandable, the frequency with which I receive pleas from the masses to join up with my site is simply overwhelming. I couldn't even begin to tell you how many e-mails I get every day from some poor sob with an inferior website wanting to become an affiliate just so they can leech some hits and brag to their friends that they're associated with a kick-ass site like mine. But dammit, I've worked hard for my success, and I have standards as to who I'm willing to share that success with!

Because I get tired of weeding through the mass of daily requests for affiliation, I've decided to list a few of the prerequisites here so that you can get an idea of whether or not you stand a chance of becoming a PA affiliate before you waste my precious time with a doomed request. Please read the entire list carefully, since all regulations are important considerations for would-be applicants, plus I had to spend an entire week's paycheck on beer and pills in order to think of most of these rules, and I wouldn't want that third trip to the emergency room to be for nothing (the first two were totally worth it though).

First of all, if you wish to become an affiliate with PA, your website must:

 

bullet Get no less than 10,000 unique hits per day.
 
bullet Be updated at least twice a day, every day (even holidays).
 
bullet Contain no stolen content or, for that matter, any phrases or group of words ever used by another website in recorded history.
 
bullet Be compatible with all internet providers and be viewable in all known languages.
 
bullet Have access to stock options that will be profitable to investors at all times (even during market crashes).
 
bullet Be endorsed by at least ten major corporations and twice as many celebrities.
 
bullet Have won no less than a dozen awards from various computing publications.
 
bullet Be run by a paid staff comprised entirely of professionals with college degrees in the fields of computer science or electronics and power utilities technology.
 
bullet Contain a page that lists the ingredients to an elixir of immortality.

 


Furthermore, you as a webmaster must agree to the following terms:
 

bullet Once an affiliate with PA, you will send me a weekly tribute of exactly $4,612 worth of pure silver.
 
bullet You will post a link to my site on every page of your own site, along with a minimum of two paragraphs of text explaining how great my site is.
 
bullet You will send me hourly messages reminding me how grateful and unworthy you are to be an affiliate of my site.
 
bullet You will mail a copy of the keys to your house/apartment to myself and my rowdy, oftentimes violent drinking buddies.
 
bullet You will send me a present on my birthday.
 
bullet You will send me a present every day (I like getting presents).
 
bullet You will put up signs in your yard reminding your neighbors to visit my website.
 
bullet You will take pictures of yourself being sodomized by a large breed of dog and send them to me so that I may use them to blackmail you if I wish.
 
bullet You will get a tattoo on the body part of your choice that says "I Love Project A.F.T.E.R. More Than My Own Life!"
 
bullet You will sacrifice a virgin in the name of my website once every full moon.
 
bullet You will smuggle illegal cargo for me whenever and wherever I command.
 
bullet You and your closest of kin will willingly commit seppuku if you fail to meet any of the above requirements at any time.



If you still think you have what it takes to be a PA affiliate and are willing to follow the above rules, then please feel free to send an application to becomeaprojectafteraffiliate@projectafter.com and keep your fingers crossed. Your submission will be reviewed by a member of our trained staff, and if all required guidelines have been followed, you should receive a reply within 5 to 7 weeks. All declined applications will be posted on the main page of this website and publicly mocked by myself. (Coincidently, so will all accepted applications.)



Additional Notes on Affiliation: All parties submitting applications for affiliation with Project AFTER must use official submission forms which can be attainted at all participating Wendy'sŪ restaurants, or by calling 1-900-PROJECT-AFTER. Mislabeled or incomplete forms will not be reviewed or considered for affiliation. If accepted, applicants must respond to official board-issued inquiries within fifteen (15) business days, or void their pending affiliate status. If you can read this, you don't need glasses. All persons involved in any website submission must be 18 years or older. Additional fees may be included to any charges resulting from the submission review process depending on the applicant's state of residency. Long-haired freaky people need not apply.