Cosplay Caption Contest
 

- Session #8 -

As part of an ongoing effort to increase public interest in the Cosplay Caption Contest, I've launched a variety of zany schemes ranging from ill-conceived viral ad campaigns to fake benefit concerts raising awareness about the growing cosplay menace. Though it was a tragically short-lived venture, one of my favorite projects involving the CCC was the creation of an official mascot to help us target the child and tween demographics. In late 2009, Project AFTER Works LLC partnered with a small, independent animation studio (now sadly defunct) that created several concept designs for a lovable animal mascot to represent the CCC. Though their efforts produced a number of charming and delightful characters, the clear choice was obvious.
 

This image and countless broken dreams were all Disney's lawyers left in their wake.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Conrad the Cosplay Caption Contest California Condor! With a J-pop song in his heart, he's just itching to blow his parents' money at the artist alleys and ask stupid questions at the guest panels of his local anime convention. And with his hip Super Saiyan wig, papier-mâché Millennium Puzzle, badass Kamina cape, and custom Keyblade (meticulously crafted from cardboard covered in tin foil), he's a shoo-in for winner of the cosplay contest!

Conrad was all ready to fly off of the endangered species list and into the hearts of the American public, until an unfortunate legal dispute with Disney (the number of animal characters they've preemptively trademarked is both staggering and obnoxious) ended the career of this marketing tour de force before it began. The losses we were set to suffer in unsold merchandise would have been astronomical had it not been for my brilliant strategy of burning down an entire district of warehouses in one of most elaborate and deadly examples of insurance fraud ever conceived.

If you clicked on the link to this page of your own free will without coercion, then there's a good chance you already know what a blast the CCC is for competitors and spectators alike. If that is indeed the case, then please take a moment and tell someone you know to join in on the fun if you get the chance. And when you do, know that Conrad will be looking down from Failed Mascot Heaven with a smile on his beak.
 

Contest #57 (Originally ran 7/18/09)



Winning Caption:

"Watch, as 'dis white bitch cries tears of blood while ah rape her ass!"
- Shmeckie

Honorable Mentions:

Ving Rhames and Betty White attend Comic-Con.
- UveE

The Crips and the Bloods finally settle their differences. The image shown is their new gang outfit.
- Badass Overlord
 

Contest #58 (Originally ran 7/25/09)



Winning Caption:

After finding the body in their frat house Chet and Buzz decided it'd be hilarious to dress it up in a variety of stupid looking costumes. Not pictured: The ballerina outfit and the Robin costume.
- stjimmy

Honorable Mentions:

Just five more injections and the woman in Nicholas D. Wolfwood would finally be free.
- Yaoi Huntress Earth

The end result of a drunken, incestuous weekend foray between the Blues Brothers.
- UveE

Rather than their usual "Tobacco is bad" commercials, Truth.org just uses this picture for thirty seconds in their commercials now. It worked.
- The Two-One-Five
 

Contest #59 (Originally ran 8/01/09)



Winning Caption:

Here we see a prime example of the "Wild North American Ichigo". Note the young one on the right, and how he has yet to grow the anime-orange neckbeard that is slowly blooming on his mother, seen on the left.
- Meow Mix

Honorable Mentions:

"And people thought that putting nitroglycerin in my hair gel was a bad ide-" *BOOM*
- TigerEyes

Lord Fire Crotch and his crony, The Flaming Douche stirred up a firestorm at this year's convention. Actually, every sane person set themselves on fire and ran outside, only to be killed by a stampede of fat, greasy Bleach fans.
- Badass Overlord
 

Contest #60 (Originally ran 8/15/09)



Winning Caption:

And here we see a perfect example of TV Tropes Five Man Band:

From right to left we have the Big Guy, the Smart Guy, The leader, The Lancer, and another Big Guy, but this time with a penis.
- The Two-One-Five

Honorable Mentions:

"Hell's already here in plastic gear and cheap dye! Footloose in paradise!"
- Joker

This is the result of binge drinking, heavy metal, and playing an undead on World of Warcraft for months at a time.
- cross the bloodstained
 

Contest #61 (Originally ran 2/06/10)



Winning Caption:

This picture's more tragic than you'd think. Some kids dressed their retarded cousin up for the local anime convention, swearing to said cousin they were dressing him up "like a ninja." No one could argue with them; they were technically right.
- Shmeckie

Honorable Mentions:

"'Welcome to my Parlour' said the Spider to the fly.....Mwahahahahahhaha!"
- Homer DJW

Queer Eye for the Hentai: Neo-Nazi-Edition!
- Max-Vader

"With this outfit, there is no way Masashi Kishimoto could ever say no to me."
- Yaoi Huntress Earth

This is not how I remember Basic Instinct.
- The Hutch

Contest #62 (Originally ran 2/13/10)



Winning Caption:

"Take that back! My girlfriend made me this jacket with leftover material from dresses her grandmother gave her!"
- Meow Mix

Honorable Mentions:

"I don't care how cheap they are, this is the last time we're using non-union motion capture artists!"
- Viashino_wizard

In a parallel universe, the gay version of Travis Touchdown faces off against a giant mass of sentient paper mache. It shall be called: No More Testicles 2: Forgettable Struggle.
- Shmeckie

Contest #63 (Originally ran 2/20/10)



Winning Caption:

If you're short on cash, everyone knows Duke Piddly-Dee's Furry Brothel has the cheapest cat- and bunny-bitches in town. Problem is, you get what you pay for. And the Duke likes to watch. And that's the face he'll be making while he watches.
- Shmeckie

Honorable Mentions:

When Playboy Bunnies are allowed to eat.
- Yaoi Huntress Earth

A Cosplay version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears got off to a bad start when they realized that they only roles they had filled were the three bears.
- Homer DJW

Contest #64 (Originally ran 2/27/10)



Winning Caption:

"Romeo, you tights-wearing mask-donning pussy piece of shit, where the FUCK art thou?!"
- Al_Cone

Honorable Mentions:

When Mrs. Willersbee ordered a clown for her son's birthday party, she had no idea she had ordered the clown from Seth Freerainbow's Performance Arthouse. When Clotho the Clown decided to do his "The Monsters of Capitalism" routine, those kids would never be the same again.
- Shmeckie

You know the only people who are happy about this? Jo-Ann Fabrics. Seriously, think of all the shit they sold to help create this monstrosity.
- Kuramastrassx3

Attack of the Frosting Men, FROM OUTER SPACE!!!
- Badass Overlord

"YOU. TONIGHT."
- Max-Vader

That's it for this session, folks. I'd advise against scrolling up the page at this point, just in case my suspicions are correct and viewing the above cosplay images a second time turns you into a pillar of salt.

Want to join in on the captioning fun and have a chance at achieving internet fame? Just sign up an account on the Project AFTER Forums and then submit your own cuttingly clever comments to the Cosplay Caption Contest! If you won't do it for me, then do it for Conrad.