Part IX: "Sugar Bits"
(As seen at
God-Emperor help me, I can't take this shit anymore. I
thought Bleedman's previous stories were bad, but I had no idea
what was to come. You see, Sugar Bits is not only his most
recent webcomic, but also his first attempt to tell a story with
purely "original" characters. And if you think Bleedman is bad
when he lifts his ideas from outside sources, then you haven't
seen how horrible it gets when he tries to get by without
stealing (and still ends up stealing a bunch of crap anyway).
This will be the final part of The Bleedman Chronicles and, as
promised, you will get to see some of his nasty pictures. Do you
even really want to see those? Seriously? Well then come and
join me on the last legs of my journey through this madness.
This will again be the longest part because at the end I will
talk about Bleedman's incompetence as a writer in general, and
there's a lot to talk about there. For now, let's analyze the
plot of Sugar Bits specifically so you can get a good idea how
this comic feels and just how horrible reading through it can
It looks like
the Care Bears meets Kingdom Hearts meets pure fail.
Page one beautifully summarizes almost the entire comic. The
first thing we notice is that Bleedman gives the good old "show,
don't tell" rule a vicious beating and pisses on it for good
measure. There is exposition up the ass here, just like in his
The second thing that comes to mind after reading all this
garbage is that Bleedman really sucks at naming things. I'm not
expecting a Tolkienesque world with a map and everything, but
naming a "realm of all good things" Harmonia is pretty much the
equivalent of naming your characters "Guy 1" and "Underage Girl
4". If this was just one instance I could forgive it, but every
fucking place is named after its function (Lovinia, Toytropolis)
and the character names are either stupidly clichéd (Hansel,
Ginger) or go straight into "not even trying" territory (Brave,
This first page also highlights another predominant pattern in
this story: Things get introduced and then abruptly forgotten.
Only two of the places we are introduced to in the beginning
have any importance at all (Confectionara and Courage Campus).
Nothing else is ever mentioned again. I know this has already
happened in his previous comics, but here it is taken to the
extreme. Even Grim Tales had more of a coherent plot than this.
In one single page Bleedman fails on multiple levels, so much so
that you'd think it takes effort to be that bad. And the scary
thing is that from here, it's pretty much all downhill.
Finally, the actual so-called plot starts, and we get to see our
main character, Gingerman (for fuck's sake, Bleedman, is it too
much too ask that you put some effort into this?). He is,
as his name implies, a gingerbread man, but in an obnoxious
chibi-style, just like everyone else in the comic. After all,
why change your art if your brain-dead fans keep eating it up
like Rosie O'Donnell at a charity picnic? There is apparently a
"royal sugar army", and he is it's captain, implying that he
will kick all sorts of ass. Or he would if Bleedman actually
knew how to structure a fight scene (and as we know from his
previous comics, there isn't much hope for that). The only other
character with a name is Professor Cocoa, a fucking moose in a
lab coat with Dr. Insano-style glasses. You do not know the
meaning of the word "ridiculous" until you have seen him.
Chocolate has never seemed less appealing...
He supervises a lot of gingerbread men scientists (really?) who
are tinkering with a machine called the "sugar core", which
apparently harnesses an energy called "Zest" that is created
whenever someone consumes sugary food. Now that's science! I
haven't seen such accurate interpretations of scientific
knowledge since Kent Hovind's Dinosaur Adventure Land.
Anyway, the machine overloads and creates a monster called "Kaveeteh,
the plaque monster". It is a giant, green, slug-teeth-thing. I
am not making this up. There is also a mention of a "tooth-brush
fairy", whatever the fuck that is. After some dialogue so
painful it makes me crave Uwe Boll movies, Gingerman puts on
boxing gloves and defeats the monster in one hit — off panel,
mind you. Good job Bleedman, I was almost getting mildly
interested. (Not really.)
What makes all this an even worse insult to the reader's
intelligence is that none of this has any importance for the
rest of the plot. While competent authors use the beginning of a
story to establish the setting and main characters, Bleedman
decides it's the perfect place for pointless filler. We are
seven pages in and there is still nothing happening. By this
pace the comic will be finished in the 41st millennium.
To reactivate the machine they need the princess for some
unexplained reason. So Gingerman goes to get her out of the "Juicyfruit
Garden" (legitimately stupid name or euphemism for preteen
vagina? YOU decide). The scientists mock him for a possible
relationship between them, which is weird for quite a number of
reasons, the least of which is not the fact that he's a fucking
gingerbread man and therefore has no dick. Or anything, now that
I think about it...
It's here that we are introduced to Bleedman's new G-rated curse
words which are "fudge it" and "for the love of Wonka" (Get it?
Because they're sweets, HUR HUR HUR). But OH NOES, we see a
shadow watching our "hero", which despite evil glowing eyes
doesn't look threatening in the least. On the next page the
shadow reveals itself as Cupcake (REALLY?!), princess of
Veggie-Hut land, which makes me wonder why Bleedman was even
trying for some sort of buildup here. She is an underage (duh)
bunny-girl without pants who has barely enough human
characteristics to also appeal to non-furries. As much as I
verbally assrape Bleedman for failing at almost everything, he
really is the master when it comes to making masturbation fuel
for furries, pedophiles, and furry pedophiles.
Finally, our afterschool snack of a hero finds the princess and
we finally get to see her.
I see London, I
Not wearing a skirt is supposedly part of her rebellious
personality, but we all know the real reason she's in her
skivvies: Bleedman didn't want to bother inventing some flimsy
justification for panty shots in every scene. Despite being our
female protagonist, Ginger is even less sympathetic than your
average rapist-demon from Berserk, and keeps the number of
likeable characters right at zero.
Some "wacky" stuff later, Ginger finally comes down from the
tree by jumping on Hansel (the real name of Gingerman, you see).
The following conversation hamfistedly tells the reader that
Ginger once was oh-so-jolly and innocent in the past until
Bleedman raped her — uh, I mean we don't know why yet. One
uncomfortable silence later, we get the boring-as-fuck and
completely unoriginal origin-story for Hansel. What it comes
down to is that Ginger's mother died from the fatal "the plot
requires drama" disease. Oh yeah, and then this guy called
Bleedheart, "ruler of the Sorrow Sanctum" comes and takes the
corpse with him, probably so that he can make some sweet, sweet
love to it. And he also never gets mentioned again, of course.
So we learn all this "tragic" stuff, the mood is very grim and
serious, and what do we get immediately after? Fucking this:
ZOMGROFLLOL SO WACKY!1!1!!!
This leads to a food fight that immediately gets interrupted by
the Brave Hearts, the same group of chuckleheads Hansel belongs
to. There's King, a lion that looks like the overtly homosexual
grandfather of Snagglepuss; Bo, an underage tomboy sheep-girl
who is Hansel's second love interest (on second thought, maybe
Ginger actually made him from dil-dough); and Braveun, who is
basically Hakumen from BlazBlue without his voice or anything
that made him cool and interesting. King disapproves of their
actions and talks in a way no living creature has ever talked,
while the princesses blames Hansel with a series of the
most painful "jokes" I've ever read.
This sure is a
sticky situation! Hahahaha-- kill me.
And yes, I know I'm showing a lot of pictures, but you'll have
to bear with me. After all, some of this is so balls-to-the-wall
insane that it cannot be conveyed in words alone. Besides, it
gives you a small taste of what I had to go through.
So King is displeased, Bo is amused, and not-Hakumen just does
the thumbs-up. Ginger pretty much tells him to shut the fuck up
and French-kisses Hansel, causing countless angels to die.
Little What's-her-name rabbit moron gets carried off to her
parents, and Bo gives Hansel a "good luck kiss" for which Ginger
immediately kicks him because she is the most unlikable tsundere
bitch since Haruhi Suzumiya.
The Brave Hearts finally piss off, and we then learn that all
this has been watched by a devil-guy named Mammon — who happens
to be the only even remotely interesting or cool character in
the comic, by the way. At least he is until you find out that
he's simply the bishonen version of Mammon from Spawn. Fucking
hell Bleedman, I know you can't write an original story without
ripping off others' works to save your life, but could you at
least TRY to cover up your theft?
So ends chapter one — or as I call it, "22 pages of
brain-decaying bullshit sex jokes and fucking around instead of
actually having a story." Wasn't that FUN!?
The second chapter introduces us to a place called Dream Palace
(Kirby, eat your heart out), where people from Harmonia mentally
go to when they sleep. It's kinda like the Matrix, only not cool
and incredibly fruity. When people dream of each other they meet
and "anything becomes possible", like with Hansel and Bo right
now. The description on that page is literally the gayest
metaphor for sex ever. However, Hansel won't be able to put his
nonexistent boner to good use anytime soon, because Bo is a
battle-obsessed lunatic and starts attacking him. After he takes
a ramrod to the face and is squashed, she starts coming onto him
and gives him a massage (happy ending not included).
But gasp, choke — Ginger in a Gothic Lolita dress stands behind
them and (apparently) stabs Bo with a transforming super
lollipop (again, I am not making this up). Now if Ginger just
went berserk on their asses and started killing everyone, it
would be the best plot twist yet. But Bleedman is too
incompetent for that, so we find out later that Gothic!Ginger is
actually the princess' evil twin. Yes, her freaking evil twin; a
trope so old that it was already played out when Star Trek used
Meanwhile Bo's ramrod transforms into a monster because of the
lame excuse that they are suddenly having a nightmare. How
convenient! Bo claims the monsters are born out of our their
deepest fears, but that is obviously bullshit. Nobody but nobody
would be afraid of this ludicrous thing. I'll get back to this
when we talk about the art itself, but suffice to say for now
that Bleedman's character and monster designs are atrocious. I
mean really, if you have no problem with stealing, why not steal
from something that actually has frightening enemies, like
Silent Hill? Oh my mistake, Silent Hill is neither a girls'
anime nor a cartoon. Silly me.
Anyway, Hansel stands there like an idiot and just let's
Gothic!Ginger stab him because he cares too much about the real
one. Bo screams at him that it's not the real Ginger, so Hansel
has no reason not to fight back or even merely defend himself,
but I guess he's a moron. Before we can be rid of his baked ass,
he and Bo both wake up. Hansel can't sleep anymore (wait, since
when do gingerbread men have to sleep?), so he goes to Ginger's
room and sees her walking into the kitchen. We later learn that
she has been sucked into the evil mirror-world. If you want to
know why she went into the kitchen at night and got into the
portal that popped up without technical help you are setting
yourself up for disappointment, because that is never explained.
Thanks to the power of convenience and illogic, the Brave Hearts
gather and King sends Bo and not-Hakumen on a mission to find
the princess and Hansel, which they do by stepping into the
fucking Stargate. Oh, it's called "Warpgate", but that doesn't
change the fact that Bleedman has ripped something off again, in
his first "original" story I might add. This also makes one
wonder on what level of technological progress Harmonia is or
why they even use technology if they have magic, but again those
questions don't get answered, because to Bleedman doesn't
consider anything part of the story as whole so much as a
collection of plot devices to create drama.
We meet Professor Cocoa again (FUCK) and get a page of useless
technobabble leading up to the revelation that our missing
protagonists are in the evil world, "the other side" (I wonder
if they've got friends there). Geez, with the way they keep
hiding the name of this place, you'd think it was the name of
the Pharaoh from Yu-Gi-Oh! or something. Bo wants to rush in
immediately because Hansel could be in trouble (he is, but
nobody cares, especially when the monster has stupid eyebrows),
but not-Hakumen holds her back and they report to King.
Meanwhile, Hansel beats up the suit-wearing monster but then
finds himself in front of a bunch more monsters that look either
generic and/or stupid, including a shark with a Donald Duck cap.
Great, one more classic cartoon character ruined by this
Hansel runs away, has a pointless flashback, and remembers that
he got into the evil world by meeting an
Indian-shaman-bird-ghost-thing named "Mindsnare, the
Hauntergeist", who makes Matrix references 11 years after the
fucking movie came out. Whatever, at least nobody has used
Chapter three has the title "Hansel in Wonderland" (ugh) and
begins with him following Mindsnare through the portal. Because
the first thing you do when meeting an obvious villain is do
anything he says and not get any help. Is it just me, or is
Hansel retarded? It's like Friday the 13th all over again; if
someone actually used common sense, the whole thing would be
over in an instant.
We cut back to the present (sort of) and see Bo and not-Hakumen
arrive in the evil land to locate him. Bleedman again tries to
use humor, but is apparently still incapable of grasping it.
Then we see yet another location (Goddamnit Bleedman, could you
just pick a scene and develop it?) where Hansel arrives at a
lake and meets... oh shit.
And now we have furries. The circle of hell is complete.
Why anyone would think of including an underage fox-girl in your
comic as a good idea is beyond me, but whatever. Hansel accepts
her suspiciously sexual-sounding offer and escapes the monsters
that are chasing him via her boat. As it predictably turns out,
the boat itself is actually a monster too and tries to eat him.
A flying thing snatches him away before he can become lunch,
brings him to the other side of the lake and turns out to be...
In order to create what an idiot might mistake for suspense, we
return to Bo and not-Hakumen, who see fox-girl pretend that her
ship is sinking in the most blatant "damsel in distress"-way
possible. As you've probably already figured out, it's a plot to
try and lure morons close enough that the monster boat can eat
them, and not-Hakumen somehow falls for it.
Of course nobody actually dies since not-Hakumen easily kicks
the boat's ass. After all, Bleedman won't simply let his
characters die. So after a quick off-shore battle, the two girls
are left naked except for towels. And now you know why this
otherwise pointless scene exists; so Bleedman could draw
fox-girl and sheep-girl in the nude. Unless you care about
Bleedman's odd bestiality fetish, then he is intentionally
wasting our time here.
Elsewhere Hansel is in Mammon's limousine, who's first name
appears to be Gene. He gives him lots of fancy food and promises
to take Hansel to the princess. I would ask him to get me as far
away from her as possible, but maybe that's just me. Gene makes
a half-hearted Jigsaw joke and offers Hansel to play a PSP game
with him. I kinda like this guy, if only because he doesn't seem
to give a shit about the melodramatic crapfest happening around
The city they travel through is the capital of Dystopius. Yes,
this is the name of evil world that Bleedman has been hyping up
all the time. Even "Mordor" would have been a more creative
choice. We get a scene with a fat "evil" cop where Bleedman once
again fails miserably at comic relief, then suddenly a rocket
blows up the car. The one responsible for the explosion is
none other than Evil!Ginger, who apparently stole her dress from Rachel Alucard
— except for the part that would prevent her panties from
showing, of course. And so ends chapter three on a shitty
Chapter four is called "The Rescuers" and shows that fox-bitch,
Bo and not-Hakumen are super-special-awesome friends now who
want to rescue Hansel. How that happened is for some reason not
included in the main story, at least not immediately. Instead
Bleedman has written it as a flashback/side story that is not
even completed because it happens in a much later chapter of
Sugar Bits as a totally unnecessary flashback. Again, I have to
ask what the point of this is. You are not Tite Kubo, Bleedman.
Why are you taking out parts of your "story" and showing them
later without any reason for withholding them like that it would
spoil the foreshadowing or something?
Anywho, there is an explosion and fox-bitch explains that this
is common in Dystopius, since there are always gang wars,
terrorist attacks (MANDY DID 9/11!) and assassinations. However,
since she just pulled the ability to smell Hansel from miles
away out of her ass, they figure out he is there and start
heading towards it.
Back in town, Evil!Ginger gloats on top of a building, but gets
slapped by Regular Ginger who just appeared out of nowhere in
her underwear (of course). We get some cryptic nonsense that is
supposed to be foreshadowing, but really the only thing that one
can comprehend is that the two are sisters. No, REALLY!?
Meanwhile, Hansel despairs about not being able to save the
driver, but Gene suddenly draws a gun that looks a lot like the
one used by Rozalin in Disgaea 2. (It's worth noting that on
this page Gene's horns changed colors. Bleedman noticed this,
but is apparently too lazy to correct it.) He shoots some bunny
monster that assaults them along with a bunch of other ones that
apparently like to steal jokes from South Park. Gene then tells
Hansel to abandon him, but Hansel utters some clichés and goes
Naruto on the enemies' asses. No seriously, what the fuck is
It's like Avatar: The Last Airbender, only much stupider.
Hansel explains that the flames only harm evil people. Hm, I
take my Avatar comment back; this is like 666 Satan, only much
stupider. And that's saying something. By the way, didn't
Disgaea also use flames like that as a plot device? I'm
beginning to see a pattern emerging...
Anyway, a gigantic bunny-robot-monster-whatever thing appears
out of thin air and attacks Gene who says "Oh shit," which
although censored is at least a step up from the idiotic,
made-up swearwords from before. Predictably, Hansel tells him to
watch his language like a stuck-up pussy and Bo rescues them
with her chains. I assume that every character can teleport to
wherever they want if the plot demands it. Whatever the case may
be, Bo fails miserably and Hansel drags Gene away by his legs
causing him to bounce on the ground because Bleedman wanted to
insert some "hilarious" antics into the oh-so-serious fight
The loli fox girl and not-Hakumen show up shortly afterwards,
some crap no one cares about happens, and the battle proceeds to
just sort of drag on for way too many pages. Some other
characters get involved too, including B.B. Hood from
Darkstalkers. Wait, HUH!?
Actually it's Red Riding Hood from Ever After, another webcomic
on Snafu that I never read and refuse to start with now. She
wields quite a useless weapon — a saw, to be precise — but since
this is a story about a talking gingerbread man being hit on by
underage animal girls, I think we can let that slide. Strangely,
she throws her weapon like a shuriken (Rule number 135 in
combat: "Don't throw your sword!") but not-Hakumen deflects it
with his arm. Evil!Ginger bites her sister's ear in a really
bizarre bit of fanservice, bitches and moans some more, and
Mindsnare starts to mind-fuck Red so that she sees not-Hakumen
as her worst nightmare. For some reason she's got her saw back
which transforms into a chainsaw (predictable) when she makes an
hilariously over-the-top rageface.
She charges not-Hakumen, but he activates his flame attack and
causes Red's cloak to catch fire. Luckily he has her in an arm
lock and she snaps out of her rage, which spares us the agony of
having to see more panty shots. As it turns out, Bo and Hansel
are losing the fight so bad that he loses a part of his head and
Red sees a black blob-like creature that is supposed to be the
Big Bad Wolf because Bleedman is fuck-all determined to cram as
many fairytale references in this comic as he can. That's it for
Chapter five... starts off even more boring than usual. King and
some yawning twerp from dreamland bombard us with text walls,
but the only thing that we learn is that apparently someone is a
traitor and let the nightmares into the dreamland.
Speaking of which, Bo and Hansel are still getting crushed by
the giant rabbit robot (rabbot?) and not-Hakumen does shit while
the retarded-looking wolf blob-thing takes over Red Riding Hood.
Yeah. Then it engulfs him in darkness while Gene and fox-bitch
look on and make a groan-inducing pun. Nemo puts them inside him
(whoa) to keep them safe, which causes more awful puns.
Meanwhile Bo is pissed off because Hansel is kinda sorta not
really hurt and transforms her bell into super-retarded
ultra-Excalibur. How can she do that? Uh... a wizard did it!
Not-Hakumen is floating in darkness and tries to touch the
underage girl while a voice tells him to come closer (!?). Not-Hakumen
then has retarded, incest-like flashbacks to his dead mother.
This raises two questions: First, how the fuck does someone get
impregnated with and give birth to a suit of armor, and secondly
what is it with Bleedman and incest? This is the second time he
has used this as a plot point, and I'd rather not be reminded of
Grim Tales anymore, thank you very much.
Bo and Hansel still suck ass at fighting, by the way. While they
get tossed around like a Cardcaptor Sakura body pillow in
Bleedman's washing machine, Gothic!Ginger suddenly rides a
wolf-shadow-thing into battle. Yeah. She tries to stab Hansel
with her candy lance, and he has another goddamned flashback to
the dream world, where the same thing happened. Of course, any
menace she could potentially radiate (which is almost
nonexistent anyway) is immediately crushed by the stupid facial
Of course, before she can do anything, Bo intervenes by ripping
off the iconic blades from God of War, just like a certain
manchild once did. Naturally she gets owned almost instantly and
then stabbed. Yet another theme in Bleedmans works: Women are
useless (unless they can serves as underage fap fodder for him,
Wolf-thing continues probing not-Hakumen's mind and shows us
ANOTHER fucking flashback, this time to when he and Bo
befriended fox-bitch. This is the aforementioned side story,
although I have no idea why we get at this point in the plot.
Normally, flashbacks have something to do with the current
situation the character is in. Oh well, nothing else makes sense
so who even cares. Not Bleedman!
While not-Hakumen is off gathering firewood, fox-bitch and
sheep-bitch are busy being naked when all the ridiculous
throwaway monsters from earlier in the comic suddenly return to
threaten them. What follows is such a disgustingly transparent
parade of underage fanservice that I'm calling it the final
straw for my review of this abomination.
Before I get to the art and the conclusion, I'd like to name
some of the more general flaws that show how Bleedman is to
writing what a child molester is to sex. This portion could
probably fill up another Comic Release article by itself, but
I'll limit it to seven key issues for brevity. (This one's for
you, John Solomon.)
1. Obnoxious, bland and boring characters.
This is pretty much the worst one. I could forgive a bad story
or clichéd writing if only the characters were likable and
interesting. You see, in order to give a shit about the story,
we need someone we can relate to — a protagonist with human
character traits. A good example would be Luke Skywalker. In the
beginning we get to know him, learn about his hopes and dreams,
and start to care about him. I can't stress this enough: Be
sloppy with your writing when it comes to your protagonist, and
you can kiss the slightest hope for quality storytelling
goodbye. Bleedman doesn't give a shit. Emotional baggage,
"tragic" pasts or jerkass behavior do not make a likable, deep
or interesting character.
2. Nothing makes sense.
This is actually one of the most obvious things about writing,
yet many nitwits like Bleedman and Michael Bay still manage to
fuck it up. It's okay when your fictional world operates with
rules different from our world, but those rules have to be
explained properly. The worst thing you can do is make your
world's rules self-contradicting or entirely nonsensical (for
example, Bleedman's definition of what constitutes a "good" or
"bad" thing in Harmonia and Dystopius). The same thing applies
to your characters. They have to behave like real people,
otherwise we can't emphasize with them. In the case of the Sugar
Bits cast, their actions are unrealistic and violate the most
basic level of common sense. All of these things violently jerk
the audience out of their suspension of disbelief, and they
won't be grateful for that.
3. Tim Burton Syndrome.
I coined this phrase to refer to any type of story that tries to
blend traditionally childish things (like fairytale-stuff and so
on) with a more serious or "gothic" atmosphere and fails
horribly. Bleedman is no stranger to this, as he butchered The
Nightmare before Christmas, one of the few movies where it is
done right (and one of my favorites). Tim Burton Syndrome is
present in all of his works, but in Sugar Bits it becomes
especially apparent. On the one hand his story includes jokes
that only a three-year-old would laugh at, silly fairytale
worlds, and horrible comic relief. On the other hand it has
graphic mutilation, mindrape and lots of violence and death. The
abrupt changes in tone are very jarring to say the least.
4. The villains are shitty.
Roger Ebert once put it like this: "Each film is only as good as
its villain." This applies to almost any type of storytelling,
including videogames (Ha!). For example, Portal had an utterly
fantastic story because it had an utterly fantastic villain:
GLaDOS. Sugar Bits has... um... nobody, really. All the
throwaway-monsters don't count, nor does the wolf because he is
taken from another author and the Indian-spirit-thing while
being capable of mindrape is only a plot device for Licorice,
aka Gothic!Ginger. Licorice herself tries really hard to look
menacing, but has no clear motivation for her actions and never
becomes anything more intimidating than a little girl with a
giant candy cane trying oh-so-hard to look evil.
There is really no denying or hiding it: Bleedman jerks it to
underage girls. I wouldn't even give a shit about it if he
didn't shove it in our faces every other panel, but I'm sick of
him acting like everyone on the internet has the same fucked up
fantasies as him. Besides, running around and telling people
that you want to fuck preteens is generally not a good idea. If
he only did lolicon hentai, then it might be appropriate, but if
you try to tell a story with mainstream appeal then extreme
amounts of fan(dis)service only serve to annoy or offend the
6. Dialogue that would make Masashi Kishimoto cringe.
Bleedman has no clue how a conversation between human beings
works. He constantly assaults us with textwalls and exposition,
and yet all of his characters talk with the same "voice", so to
speak. It's like watching a puppet show by the worst
voice-impersonator ever, except he wants to molest his audience.
Not a single conversation was interesting or contributed to the
nonexistent character development in any way.
This was pretty much inevitable. Bleedman doesn't make us care
about his characters, fight scenes aren't exciting or creative
in any way, we have no idea what's going on and the story itself
was barely there to begin with. Constantly throwing out random
nonsense (coughFamilyGuycough) might entertain a infant, but
don't expect your audience to consist of anyone over the age of
five. That's a no-brainer, Bleedman.
...Wait a minute... Oh God!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: even though I
absolutely hate his style, Bleedman isn't a bad artist. His
problem is that he doesn't know how to make use of his skills.
Or more likely, he does and simply ignores any chance for
improvement. If I had to sum up his art in Sugar Bits in one
word, it would be "stagnant". Page by page, it's the same
cookie-cutter bullshit without any difference. In fact, the
character designs in the latest pages might even be losing
Since I've mentioned them often enough, let's talk about his
monster designs. From the first one to the last, we don't see a
single one that is unique or memorable in any way. They're
certainly drawn well enough, but so cliché and generic that you
will forget about them immediately. They're all just random
clumps of teeth and claws and eyes plastered onto unrecognizable
shapes that look ridiculous.
Bleedman's regular character designs are equally forgettable for
the most part, but without the benefit of that "chaotic mess"
factor to make them stand out for even a moment. There's no
sense of consistency either. Basically, the same jarring feeling
you get from the world they live in also applies to the
characters themselves — nothing looks like it truly belongs. We
have cartoony animals, futuristic suits of armor, gay lions,
human(-ish) girls, demons... It's a mess. Now, I'm not saying
that combining radically different tones and styles never work,
but you have to be an excellent writer and artist to overcome
the dangers of making your work look like a half-assed ripoff of
Tim Burton. Since Bleedman is a mediocre artist and a horrible
writer, he had no chance.
Then there are the worlds themselves. Harmonia is obnoxiously
colorful and looks like the location where Katy Perry shot her
"California Girls" video. Ugh. Dystopius is a depressing,
lifeless grey-a-thon. Both suck, but for opposite reasons.
Actually, I take that back. They for the exact same reason:
there's no subtly or cleverness in the art design whatsoever.
The solitary theme for each location is piled on so thick that
there's no room left for any real imagination.
If there is any lesson to be learned from all of Bleedman's
crappy comics, it's one of great importance that I've heard Cody
mention before: Never be satisfied with your work. No matter how
good you are (or think you are), there is always room for
improvement. If the siren calls of ass-kissing fanboys manage to
seduce you into complete egomania, then you will inevitably
stagnate and be forever doomed to mediocrity or worse.
Well, this is it. The part you've all been waiting for — or
perhaps "dreading" would be more appropriate... The examination
of Bleedman's eye-searingly horrible pedophilic porn pictures.
There are literally dozens of these floating around the
internet, but I'll use up my last remaining shred of humanity
and only show you five pictures that will make you want to kill
Aaaand we're already off to a good start. Incest, pedophilia AND
necrophilia? Even Twilight didn't go that far.
I really don't know what to say here. This is almost
self-parody. If we were on To Catch a Predator, this picture
would be as good as a signed confession with a certificate of
authenticity written by the God-Emperor himself. Bleedman isn't
even trying to hide it anymore.
Oh Bleedman, you lovable rapscallion! You thought it needed
blatant innuendo, didn't you? Oh how ador MAIM KILL MURDER
Why are they even wearing their tops if they aren't wearing
underwear? I haven't seen such a bizarre view of modesty since
Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt. And guess what? That sucked
Yo dawg, I herd you like tentacles, so we put some loli in your
tentacles so you can rape lolis while you rape lolis!
All joking aside, I only have one thing to say: WHAT THE FUCK!?
No seriously, what the fuck is that shit? Hey Bleedman, FUCK YOU
Gahh... Really, the pictures speak for themselves. Everything
you know about Bleedman from the various author sections should
boil down to one thing: He is a disgusting and horrible person.
And if you can't see that, then you are either retarded or just
as loathsome as he is.
And so we have finally reached the end of The Bleedman
Chronicles. I really don't know what else to say. If you've read
up to this point then you already know everything about him and
his teeth-grindingly bad creations. Whatever he steals and glues
together, nothing fucking works. He's like the Dr. Frankenstein
of shit. Grim Tales From Down Below is still Bleedman's worst
creation to date, but Sugar Bits tries really hard to knock it
off its throne — and almost succeeds, shockingly. And since SB
isn't finished yet, Bleedman has limitless potential to add more
horrible crap and eventually create something even worse.
Cody and I have endured Bleedman's horrible creations in order
to show you the anatomy of these monstrosities. Right now this
twisted mockery of a human being is resting, but there is no way
of telling when he'll strike again and crap out yet another
webcomic abomination that destroys the souls of anyone who reads
it. If and when that happens, we will rise to fight him once
again in the endless struggle between snarky critics and
artistic nonsense. Will it be a war we can win? Only time will
tell, folks... Only time will tell.
Alex's AFTER Thoughts
While it would be an exaggeration for me to say that Sugar Bits
is the worst webcomic I've ever read, I can say without any
embellishment or hyperbole that it is easily the most
disorienting comic I've laid eyes on in recent memory. "Todd
McFarlane does Candy Land with character designs by a Japanese
furry" is a weird enough premise for a comic by itself, but
Bleedman just couldn't let the insanity end there. Oh no, not
while there was still a chance that anyone with an internet
connection might mistakenly think that some small measure of his
popularity was deserved.
For someone who obviously spends a great deal of time rehearsing
explanations to the police about how he thought a playground was
an outdoor sperm bank, Bleedman is surprisingly inept when it
comes to telling a story. The continuity may have sucked in Grim
Tales and PPGD, but it's virtually nonexistent in Sugar Tits.
Caffeine-addicted eight-year-olds on a trampoline jump around
less than this comic's plot. The story is established early on
as a tale about the inhabitants of a Christmas card by Sanrio
fighting against plaque monsters ripped from a coloring book
Bleedman once saw when he was stalking children in a dentist's
office. That plot lasts for all of seven pages before it
transforms into a story about the magical romance between a
half-naked girl and a sentient cookie. The story again switches
gears a dozen or so pages later and becomes about the characters
screwing around in some dream world that shows us what Inception
would have been like if Christopher Nolan was a child predator
obsessed with anime. Bleedman quickly gets bored of that
storyline too, however, so he moves the setting to Cloudy
Background World and gives us a fight sequence so excruciatingly
drawn-out that it makes the battles in Dragon Ball Z look brief.
The only element of Shitter Bits with less direction than the
storyline is the artwork. Quality aside, nothing is at all
consistent. Bleedman changes coloring/shading styles no
fewer than four times within the first hundred pages of the
comic, and the designs of several characters change noticeably
from one appearance to the next. You can't even call it an
evolution in artistic technique, because the level of detail in
the drawings and the quality of the shading actually diminish
over time. If this trend continues, the final pages of the comic
should consist of two-tone stick figures defined by arrows
leading to descriptions like "yaoi fanart Lucifer" and "naked
preteen fox girl".
Bleedman and his brainwashed fans can make excuses for this
bullshit all day long, but the obvious truth is that nothing in
Booger Shits is planned or scripted in advance. This chaotic
clusterfuck of a comic is the result of Bleedman taking whatever
nonsense pops into his head any given week and inserting it into
the latest page wherever it'll fit. Considerations like where a
particular plot thread is heading or whether or not anything is
aesthetically synchronized are tossed out the window and
replaced by thoughts of how best to show the female characters'
undies in as many panels as possible.
Vinson Ngo is the worst thing to happen to the internet since
the invention of the pop-up Flash ad. I can't even bring myself
to call him a bad person, because that would mean having to
recognize him as a human being. Ngo is really more of a
concept—a loathsome concept that success and adoration can be
attained without talent or effort as long as someone is willing
to sell their soul and provide fantasy fuel to the morally
degenerate. I'll continue to hope that the next child Bleedman
touches will be the one that points to him in front of a jury
and ends this nightmare once and for all, but until then, I'm
callin' it quits. Even if ol' Bleedy craps out another series
after this one, I am officially done subjecting myself to the
works of this sadistic sexual deviant.
'Till next time!