|


Part XII: "United States
Angels Corps"
(As seen at
www.angels-corps.com)
Before I start this review, I have a few things to say. In
several ways, this is not going to be your average Comic
Release article. First and foremost, the review is not going to be
particularly funny. This is because US Angels Corps is such a
vile piece of trash that I could not possibly extract any humor
from its disgusting and sickening content. And even if I could,
by some miracle, siphon some laughs out of this rancid pool of
filth, it wouldn't deserve it.
Next, as our regular readers have probably already figured out,
both Cody and myself like to exaggerate our annoyance and
disgust somewhat when it comes to certain webcomics for comedic
effect. I won't do this here. The very existence of this...
THING truly sickens me to my very core. Not to mention the fact
that knowing people actually enjoy and pay for the privilege of
reading this comic legitimately enrages me. There is no need to
exaggerate my anger when it's already at its peak.
Lastly, I will do something I haven't done since I started
writing for Comic Release: I will tell you that this review is
absolutely Not Safe For Work. Or humanity at large, honestly.
Given some of the other stuff I've reviewed for this site and
the fact that I read the writings of the Marquis de Sade for
entertainment, this should send chills down your spine. If you
are of a sensitive disposition and cannot handle reading about
the vile and inhumane mess that is about to follow, please turn
back now and read something that will not rob you of both your
innocence and whatever faith you may have in humanity. I am not
joking here. Last warning.
Anybody brave, jaded, or foolish enough to read on... abandon
all hope.
The Story
Ahahahaha, what story?! Well, technically there both is and
isn't one. There is because the website has one written on the
"about" page, and there isn't because none of it matters in the
least bit when it comes to the actual comics. The setup is so
completely irrelevant to the comics themselves that you might as
well have been reading the back of a cereal box. But let's say
we didn't know any of that and are curious as to what this
webcomic we just stumbled upon is about. The website tells us
that the US Angel Corps was created during the Second World War
to train female agents so do undercover operations. Yes, female
agents exclusively. The reasons for this will become very
apparent later. Basically, the program was a failure, got
reinstated during the Cold War, and now the United States
government has basically created an all-girls school for orphans
to get new recruits for the program. It's like X-Men, except
without all the powers, homosexual undertones, and whining.
Instead it has... other content.
So now you know the backstory, but you still don't have idea one
of what this comic is actually about. The first thing one would
normally do is take a look at the characters, so let's do that.
This leads us to the comic's very own wiki site, of all things.
And after examining some character profiles, we see that all the
Angels look like this:

Now that's a character I could
get behind. ...Or in front of. Doesn't
look that bad, to be honest. Some girls running around in their
skivvies playing Solid Snake? I've heard of worse reasons to
make a webcomic than a T&A-fest with action scenes. Sort of like
the webcomic version of a Michael Bay movie, except replace the
occasional instances of boring plot development shit with even
more titties. Not the most intellectually stimulating concept in
the world, but I'm the last person to complain about
entertainment, even if it is about as deep as the shallow end of
the kiddie pool.
Hey, let's check out the front page
of the USAC wiki while we're here. I can see three outgoing
links at the foot of the page. One that leads back to the
webcomic, one that leads to the forums, and one that leads to...
Oh.
Now you see why I have been dancing around the issue of what
this comic is really about. Because the third link leads us
straight to Gurochan. (For the love of life, DO NOT LOOK AT IT!)
For those of you not in the know, guro is basically erotic
artwork. But not just any erotic artwork — it encompasses
depictions of human bodies getting twisted, cut, cooked, burned
and otherwise horrifically mutilated. Think of some of the
crueler forms of torture that were used during the Inquisition
and now imagine the priest dropping his robes and jerking off to
the screaming victims. That's basically what guro artwork is.
That should also very neatly explain what kind of mental
disorder you need to have in order to enjoy this on any level,
let alone an erotic one.
Yes, US Angels Corps is nothing but a series of
loosely-connected comic short stories featuring pretty girls
getting killed, raped, crippled, mutilated, defiled and so on
and so forth. That's quite literally all there is to this
webcomic. I know; I read all of it. In fact, there are only two
(very short) comics where nobody gets killed. The rest is just
slaughter after slaughter in increasingly horrible ways. One
girl gets thrown in corrosive acid and we get to see the flesh
melt slowly from her bones; another one gets drained of all
fluids in her body, turning her into a mummy while she's still
alive; another girl gets shot to death with nail guns; another
has her neck snapped before getting raped... Those are literally
just a small percentage of the deaths shown in this comic. If
you can imagine a particularly gruesome way to murder someone,
one of the characters in USAC has almost assuredly met her end
in that fashion, most likely before, after, or while some enemy
agents forcefully shove their dicks inside of her.

I've taken the
liberty of censoring most of the objectionable content in one of
the death scenes
so normal
people can get a vague idea of what serial killers find
arousing. The horror does not end there. We also have a very special
invention of this sadistic, misogynist fuck of an author. In the
comic titled "Dismembered Fuck Doll", which is somehow even
LESS arousing than it sounds, he introduces a fictional chemical
that gets used occasionally in several of the mini-comics. What
it does is transform human flesh into a rubber-like substance. A
couple of the Angels have their heads and limbs cut off before
their heads and torsos are treated with this rubberizing
chemical. The result is the fulfillment of all your wishes —
provided you're the kind of person who's wished for a RealDoll
but missed that undercurrent of necrophilia. Naturally, they
immediately get put to use. The entire thing is written like an
advertisement for a sales company and at one point even explains
proper handling of the "product" so that you can "enjoy" it
longer — just to express even more contempt for any sort of
human decency.
There is also this baffling trend in the comic where every
single female character who dies immediately looses control of
her bodily functions and urinates all over the place. I suppose
the author also likes a little watersports to go with his corpse
fucking. A pissing fetish almost seems insignificant when you've
drawn teenage girls getting raped via gaping head wounds, but it
is what it is.
Before I move on from this cesspool of evil, I will take a look
at the first "proper" episode of this adorable little comic,
namely a self-contained story called "Chemical Plant". No, it
doesn't have anything to do with tentacle rape via plants,
although that would be better than what we get to witness,
believe it or not. The actual plot is about two characters named
Princess and Bikini (for fuck's sake...) infiltrating a chemical
plant that belongs to the villains, the so-called Vanguard. I
will keep this very brief, both for my sake and to prevent
whatever is left of my audience from killing themselves. Simply
put, Princess infiltrates the place, gets caught, raped, shot,
then put on a spike and showered with flesh-eating chemicals,
leaving only a skeleton with hair and its swimsuit (?!) behind.
Bikini gets sent to retrieve her, ends up in a fistfight with a
black guy who is apparently an ex-Marine, and gets her neck
snapped. The ex-Marine then proceeds to make sweet, sweet love
to her corpse (that just pissed itself) and eventually tosses
her into a vat of the same flesh-eating chemical after he's done
with her. Someone masturbates on the skeletons in what must have
been the most morbid circlejerk ever, then they take photographs
of the aftermath and send the pictures to the Angels HQ. Just to
give you a very faint idea of what I went through when I read
ALL OF THE COMICS, here is the main picture they took of what
was left of the Angels:

I... I need to
be alone. Enough. I can't stand to think about this anymore. Let's move on
to the art.
The Art
Hah. I would almost laugh at the cruel irony if I was capable of
laughing at all right now... Of all the comics that have been
reviewed by both Cody and myself for this feature, I'd go so far
as to say that USAC has the best artwork out of all of them.
It's almost like someone wanted to make this as horrible as
possible and realized that the better the art is, the worse the
comic is, since all this talent is being wasted on making the
graphic dismemberments all the more disgusting to behold. Still,
even though this is the "best" comic from a purely academic
standpoint, I think calling this section "The Art" is kind of a
misnomer. If this is art, then Peter Sutcliffe is a plastic
surgeon.
Now, for all the nice things I was obligated to say about these
vile drawings, I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't point out
the flaws in them. Leaving their actual content aside for a
moment — as hard as that may be — we can focus on the most
obvious thing: None of the girls have any distinct differences
to them. Sure, they may have different hairstyles, wear a tacky
accessory or just have bigger boobs, but it's the exact same
body type on display throughout. And that's not even getting
into the fact that their outfits are very lazily designed and
look beyond ridiculous. They're just wearing swimsuits and
bikinis, for fuck's sake! As clichéd as the villains may be, at
least they have a smidgen of actual variety in their
appearances.
Decent but severely lacking in creativity. I suppose that sums
up the artwork in USAC rather nicely. Again, though, that's
putting aside the content depicted in said artwork. Which is
incredibly difficult to do thanks to the focus of the next part
of this review...
The Author
His real name is Dave Cheung and he lives in the UK. I'm writing
this because I have a very faint hope that someone over there
knows where he lives and contacts the police so that'll have a
file all ready to go when this future prostitute murderer
finally makes his move. Or maybe they can just lock him away for
being TOO FUCKING CREEPY. I'm not kidding here, either. As John
Solomon would say, "This man deeply offends me by his very
existence." I don't care if he pets kittens and saves orphans
from burning buildings in his spare time, he is a fucked-up
piece of human garbage and the sooner we are rid of this waste
of oxygen, the better.
Believe it or not, this madman is actually responsible for two
more webcomic abominations that befoul the internet. The first
is a long-running shitpile called Chugworth Academy, which was
his (miserably failed) attempt at writing a humor comic. It's
the least offensive of the three, which is a little like saying
Osama bin Laden wasn't as bad as Hitler. The other comic Cheung
crapped out is called Boss Noodle, which might just have one of
the stupidest titles for any comic ever. It's about a skanky
schoolgirl in a miniskirt who wields two katanas and fights
against rapists and shit. Both of the aforementioned comics seem
to have been discontinued, so we should all count our blessings.
Dave Cheung is an unimaginative hack, but that isn't what makes
me despise him the way I do. To understand that, you have to
delve deeper into the origins of US Angels Corps. The comic was
conceived by Cheung, but he got a lot of encouragement and
suggestions from one site — the same site where he first
presented the idea.
Gurochan.
That does explain a lot, doesn't it? But there's more. For one
thing, at the time I write this, his forum has almost 2,700
registered members. In ballpark numbers, this means his obscure
fetish website has approximately seven times the number of
members that Project AFTER does. [And people wonder why I
drink. - Alex] Now, normally this wouldn't bother me in the
slightest. Lowest common denominator and all that. However,
Cheung makes money from this site. He takes donations. Yes, this
man makes a living from drawing detailed pictures of young women
being butchered and raped.

Dave's attitude
toward women in a nutshell. It gets even
better: Cheung also does commissions! But hey, if you commission
something about the Angels being murdered instead of random
characters, you'll get a 20% discount because he can use it in
the comic! What a steal! So, how much for, let's say a color
drawing of an Angels character with no background? $78. Want TWO
characters? $124. How about a single comic page? $163. Unless it
doesn't involve the Angels and he can't use it on his site, then
that'll be $195, please! At least nobody is actually paying for
this shit, right? Wrong. Right now, at the top of the commission
page is a notice in bright red text stating "My Commission
Queue is currently VERY long." Meaning that anybody who
wants Cheung to draw some poor girl being slaughtered for them
will have to wait awhile due to the high demand.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention another fun fact. Back before
US Angels Corps existed, this waste of sperm created his guro
porn under an alias: Scribblekid. It's still out there, but I
would STRONGLY advise anyone reading this not to look it up.
Most of it is not merely guro porn, but lolicon-rape guro porn.
This is the kind of stuff that would eventually form the
inspiration for US Angels Corps. So now you understand why I
loathe this man with every fiber of my soul. He makes me wish I
knew for certain that Hell was real, just so I could drift off
to sleep at night knowing he was unquestionably bound for
eternal torment. Dave Cheung is actually a worse human being
than Bleedman, and the sooner he disappears from this planet,
the better.
In Conclusion...
Last time I wrote something in this section, I simply gave you a
fuming tirade that was partially inspired by Roger Ebert. But
like I said in the intro, I'm not joking around this time. So
what follows is the honest, unabashed truth.
This is the worst webcomic I have ever seen in my life, bar
none. Possibly the worst webcomic to exist on the internet.
Every little bit of it down to its very existence is wrong. It's
an offensive piece of garbage and nobody should derive any
enjoyment from it, let alone donate money to its disgusting
creator. I have never said this before about any webcomic
creator or his audience, and I will probably never say it again,
but this time I think it's warranted: I hope Dave Cheung and all
his fans die in some sort of horrific manner similar to the
victims in US Angels Corps, just so they can get a taste of the
suffering they gorge themselves on. I don't care that the
content in the comic is fictional. Anyone who gets their jollies
from seeing glorified, eroticized rape and mutilation is evil.
My friends, you have now seen the deepest pits of foulness that
the accursed realm of online comics has to offer. If there is
any consolation to be had, it is that whatever the subjects of
future Comic Release articles may be, they will be comparatively
less horrible than this unforgivable sin against art and
humanity.
-
Max-Vader
Alex's AFTER Thoughts
I've always harbored conflicting feelings toward the feminist
movement. On the one hand, I wholeheartedly support women
fighting for equal rights, and even as a guy, I do find it
genuinely inspiring to see such a sizable percentage of the
population come together to empower one another. On the other
hand, there's that whole other dimension of feminism perpetuated
by several thousand angry lesbian bloggers who apparently
believe that anything with testicles is a dangerous threat to
society that should be caged and only released when the
all-powerful Matriarchal Kingdom requires beasts of burden to
lift heavy boxes and give lessons on how to play golf. Maybe I'm
a little biased, but I'd like to think that not all men are the
slobbering, beer-bellied, mindless Neanderthals that hardcore
extremists like Gloria Steinem seem to think they are.
Why am I sharing my views on feminism in a follow-up column to a
review of US Angels Corps? Because this fucking comic is quite
possibly the most ideal example you could ever find to
illustrate why I can never bring myself to write off the words
of irate feminists as empty ranting. No matter how many times
someone's bitter ex-wife picks up a megaphone and wrathfully
declares that the entirety of the male species is violent and
sex-crazed, I can't say a damn thing to argue with them thanks
to the actions of shitheads like Dave Cheung. Reading through
his wretched excuse for a comic, the phrase that kept popping
into my head over and over was, "Damn, men really ARE pigs."
I don't agree with the notion that all pornography is inherently
sexist, but nobody in their right mind could look at USAC and
not see an illustrated depiction of some misogynistic
wife-beater's wet dream. I mean goddamn, this shit is just
hateful. Cheung doesn't even stop at having his female
characters violently dismembered; he makes every effort to see
to it that the women are utterly humiliated and quite literally
reduced to pieces of meat in the process. The way he structures
his "stories" (I use that term charitably) suggests that Cheung
expects his readers to feel that the Angels deserve their grisly
fates on some level. Because for all their highly advanced
covert ops and close combat training, these girls are
astoundingly incompetent when it comes to being secret agents.
They're all about as stealthy as a herd of angry water buffalo,
and the sight of an erect penis is all it takes to distract them
from their mission to defeat the enemies of America.
One of the more bafflingly stupid story arcs in this thing
involves one of the Angels trying to retrieve leaked CIA files
from a Vanguard strike unit. After she infiltrates their safe
house—armed with a handgun, I should mention—she runs into a
naked enemy officer carrying nothing but a toothbrush and a wet
towel. Guess which one of these two characters manages to subdue
the other without any assistance. If you said the girl
with the firearm and the element of surprise on her side, then
you obviously underestimate
how potently Dave
Cheung hates women. Spoilers: The clumsy Angel ends up
sucking the guy's dick, retrieves the wrong USB drive
after he lets her take it, and is later pumped full of what
looks to be roughly 70,000 clips of ammo in her apartment after
spending several panels standing in front of mirror lamenting
how fat and ugly she looks (despite having a body that most
real-life supermodels would kill for—prior to it being messily
shot apart, I mean).
The most disturbing thing about this shameless gorefest is
knowing that this comic is made for the sole purpose of helping
guys get their rocks off. There aren't enough Jackie Chan macros
on the internet to adequately convey just how full of fuck my
brain is when I think about that. The first time I saw one of
the pages in USAC where some girl gets torn apart by strings of
piano wire mid-coitus, my penis dove for a Swiss Army knife in
my pocket and tried to commit seppuku. I managed to wrestle the
blade away, but the only way I'll be getting an erection within
the next calendar year is with the help of a popsicle stick and
a roll of medical tape.
Max wasn't exaggerating in the slightest when he said that US
Angels Corps is quite possibly the worst webcomic on the
internet. Nor was he overstating anything when he said the
comic's chauvinistic fuckwit of an author is worse than Bleedman.
David Cheung is such a thoroughly despicable person that he
actually makes me ashamed of my own gender. Shame on you,
Cheung. On behalf of all decent men everywhere, I hope the next
woman you encounter knows who you are and takes the initiative
to kick you right in your freakishly tiny balls.
'Till next time!
 |