Part VI: "Yami No Tainai" 

(As seen at ynt.pensandtales.com)

Good. Lord. Every time I review a new comic, I think I've seen the very worst that webmanga-dom has to offer, and every time I do another one, that theory gets shot straight to hell. Yami No Tainai, Japanese for "Yah, I have no talent", will melt your brain Arc of the Covenant-style if you take more than three seconds to try to comprehend ANYTHING that's going on, be it what you're seeing, what you're reading, or what the plot is. Holy shit, I would have never considered that something like this could exist, and not be connected to Nazis or the occult in some way, shape, or form.

The Story

...Is fucking incomprehensible. I was lost, and my head exploded, and I woke up in Tijuana, and I didn't know what had happened, or who I was for several days. All I know is that the story in this comic is a convoluted mess of basic anime "bad-boy" archetypes, and your typical gods and hidden powers within brooding people and whatever. I truly, honestly, cannot tell you anything about this comic's story outside of what's explained in the character profiles, because the way it was presented in the comic was mind-numbing, in every sense of the word. Even though it's what I do for this site, I simply could not trudge through this mess of a story, filled with higher beings and things that make no motherfucking sense what-so-fucking-ever.

Oh yeah, and anime stereotypes. Lots of those. If you've seen it in an anime series, it's most likely here, and it's done a quarter as good as it was where you first saw it, even if you saw it in an anime that sucked ass.

The Art
 

AAAAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I'm sorry, I just thought about the stuff in this thing being referred to as "art", and just lost it. What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is an Escher painting, if Escher broke his good hand and had to use his other one for a few weeks while he painted. The art... Good god... Nothing about this shit is even remotely redeemable. You would have to shove a soldering hot iron into my dickhole to even get me to consider pretending that maybe this could show promise one day.

Holy shit, do what he says! He's a 50-foot policeman

with a giant car, you don't fuck with that!

I mean look at that shit! AAAARGH! Everything is just a mish-mash of lines and attempts at simple things, like a building against the sky, that go horribly wrong, and come close to resembling a moldy block of cheese in front of a giant booger that has been wiped on an invisible table. And GOD HELP YOU if the person responsible for this atrocity wants to depict action, then you'll really have no fucking clue what the hell it is you're looking at. And the backgrounds! Oh my god. Most of the time, everything in the background just molds into itself to form some amorphous creature not of this world. Apparently, this dipshit seems to think that sucking a cup of ink up her nose and blowing it all over the page constitutes an acceptable background that people will be able to make out without the assistance of drugs, alcohol, or one of those Terri Schiavo donut brains.

...What, too soon?

I seriously dare you to look at any given page in this comic, and be able to tell, definitively, what anything is...

"What is that, sunbeams over a field of flowers and puddles of purple water?"

"No, silly, that's a battle between an ancient swordsman demon, and the God of Giant Robots!"

"Huh... 'Cause it looks like sunbeams over a field of flowers and puddles of purple water."

"Well, it's not."

"You sure?"

"Positive!"

"'Cause I'm pretty sure it's sunbeams over a field of flowers and puddles of purple water."

"IT'S NOT!"

You'll often find yourself staring at a page for hours. Not because it looks good, but because you're trying to figure out what it is the magic eye thing is trying to be, because that's what this "art" amounts to; a big, fat, fucking magic eye. And lately, for whatever reason, Escher's fangirl has been putting white borders around everyone. I guess she's going for an individual style, but in reality, it looks retarded. It's like she cut them off another piece of paper with scissors, and pasted them onto the comic page with glue, except that she's suffering from a major case of Parkinson's disease, making her cutting job pretty damn shabby. And recently, some pilot-looking character has shown up, and I swear, it looks like his shoulder pads are projectile vomiting.

I can only make out a head, and a hand.

And I think I see some white feces in there.

The black-and-white stuff is even worse. The images actually make you struggle to figure out what it is, exactly, that you're looking at. This basically looks like something I'd draw with my left hand (I'm right-handed), while under the influence of some massively powerful narcotics. And while dying of malignant tumors growing on both of my eyes.

As bad as the art for the comic itself is, somehow, against all odds, most of the fan art manages to be WORSE! No, I'm not exaggerating. It's almost as if--

...Wait, fan art?! Who--... Why--...?! Son of a BITCH.

Back to Yami Nun Housefly though, what makes this visual abomination unto the Lord even more of a war crime is the artist's RIDICULOUS reliance on Photoshop. And we're not just talking about some Earthsong-esque painting in of the backgrounds here. Oh no. This is done by someone who watches too damn much magic fighting anime, y'see. That means magic spinning shields made from 8 different Photoshop layers; 5 lighting effects stacked on each other; big, fake-looking, glowing angel wings; and, of course, tons of ridiculous light-beam effects. Hot damn, summer in the city, that's way over the top! Though, I suppose it fits in with the ludicrous storyline. Or, perhaps, it's an attempt to distract us from the third-grade art class quality artwork. Seriously, does this bitch hold her pencil/pen with her foot, or does she somehow manage to draw like something you'd see in a Taiwanese sex show. Wuzzat mean? No hands, no feet, no mouth, but can still hold a pen. You can guess how. Or perhaps there's some readers out there who don't need to guess.

Remember, folks, when you can't draw worth shit, there's always Photoshop! It won't make your horrible "art" look any better, mind you, but, hey.... um... BEAM EFFECTS WHOOOO~OOOOOO!

Hard Gay reference, folks. Gotta love it.

The Author
 

If you can believe it, this pile of gutter refuse was done by TWO PEOPLE! Two god damn separate people were required to put this abomination together! One chick to draw the thing, and one guy to write the thing. In regards to the artist, I didn't even have to look this chick up. The reason being is that only one thing needs to be said; how, in the name of all that anyone could possibly find holy, even within long-dead pagan religions, could anyone draw like this, and even conceive of releasing their artwork in comic form to the general public?! Did this lady not know that she has no grasp of drawing perspective, proportioning, backgrounds, foregrounds, people, shades, objects, shapes, ANYTHING?! Hell, this chick shouldn't even be allowed to hold a pencil, as punishment for subjecting us to this unmitigated crap.

Looks like humanized Shadow the Hedgehog decided to

take a little stroll through H. P. Lovecraft's sperm...

And what's even more bizarre is that the writer (if he can so be called... I hesitate to call what he does "writing", as opposed to "verbal vomiting") apparently saw her crap, and said to himself, "That's the artist for me!" Is he blind?! Did he feel the texture of a printed sample of her art with his hands, and think it was good?! And what made her think that her art was ready to go up on the internets in comic form?! Did the kiddies at school tell her "Oh m'gawd, you are sooo good," so this hack decides to go for it? As for the author guy, it was most likely the basic reasoning of most webmanga creators; "I like anime, I wanna make anime too!"

It's kinda sad to watch him on the comic's message boards, as he desperately longs for attention and adoration from the members on his inactive forums. It looks pretty bad when all the comic discussion, general chat, and "what's your favorite character" threads are made by the author himself. Good god... Even more pathetic is the handful of moronic fans he has. For god's sake, there's a Tool fan on there who rewrote a page from this thing to be filled with band references. "Save me, Good Charlotte"?! Buddy, Good Charlotte needs plenty of saving themselves; anyone who plays music that bad is almost certainly going to hell...

In Conclusion...

Yes, this installment of Comic Release ran a lil' shorter than most. Why? Because there's just not much left to say about Yummy Nose Turtles that I haven't already said. The artwork and storyline are both incomprehensible, and insulting to anyone who takes the time to view them in how utterly BAD they are. This comic is pretty much what most of you reading this article would produce if you started violently scratching a piece of paper with a pen, screaming the names of everyone who ever hurt you at the top of your lungs, then drew arbitrary shapes on random parts of the page, with your eyes closed, and about three quarts of alcohol in your system. After that, you just add in some speech bubbles full of gobbledygook and Japanese names, and presto! You got yourself a carbon copy of Yam's Mini Tie-dye!

To truly convey how FUCKING bad this FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT is (it enrages me even now...), I've decided to included a choice page from the comic so that all of you can experience the horror firsthand...

(Click the image for an enlarged version.)

FUCKINAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!

- Cody Baier

Alex's AFTER Thoughts

To be perfectly honest, I never really look forward to putting up a new Comic Release article on the site. I think they're a great addition to the site's roster of features, and Cody's reviews are always a blast to read, but I still dread updating this section simply because it means I have to read through at least a few dozen pages or more of whatever shitfest of a comic is being reviewed so that I can come up with enough to say about it to write up my own comments. At best, it's a miserable way to waste an hour of my life; at worst, it's a disturbing, nightmarish experience that leaves me in tears, reduced to a hollow shell of my former self.

Never has this been more true than when it came time for me to browse through the archives of Yami No Tainai. Had I known just how fucking crazy this comic was in advance, I probably would have faked my own death just to get out of reading it. Actually, I take that back... I probably would have killed myself for real.

When it's coming from someone who's read as many terrible, confusing-ass fanfics as I have, you know something has to be pretty fucking out there when I say it made my brain hurt. All comical exaggeration aside, I only understood about a third of the pages I read through. The rest was all one big mystifying blur of cryptic dialogue and nonsensical plotlines, gaudy Photoshop effects, random lightshow battles, and characters that looked like they were the result of some angry child's attempt at drawing s-CRY-ed fanart in the style of Picasso. Also, I seem to remember there being some really bizarre religious references that made all the philosophical mumbo-jumbo in 9th Elsewhere appear downright sensible. Oh yeah, and I think there was something about this mysterious evil counsel made up of black silhouettes with stripes and swirls of bright neon body paint... for some reason... Maybe they were at a rave.... Alright, I'm starting to delve a little too deep into repressed memories here, so let's just move on.

My point is, I don't really know what the hell was supposed to be going on in Yami No Tainai, and something tells me that I don't want to know. I did my duty and struggled through more than half of this debacle of a comic, though, so don't even act like I gave up without a fight. Just because I was unable to win the war against this assassination attempt on my sanity doesn't mean I didn't try.

And with my obligations fulfilled, I'm going to go get drunk(er) and try to forget that something this revolting can exists and not involve overweight naked people in some way, hopefully cleansing my mind of the more painful memories of this experience and remaining safe and secure inside my protective cocoon of self-delusion. ....Until Cody sends me another webcomic review, that is.

Damn it to hell.

'Till next time!