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Episode 10: "Allergic to Truth" & "Lemon Chocolate"
(Two 'Sailor Moon' fanfictions by Adrian Tymes)
I've waited a long time for this day to arrive, folks.
Over the past year and a half, I've had to overcome
crippling depression, bankruptcy, mail bombs, car bombs,
toilet bombs, several lawsuits, a broken leg, and three
separate periods of jail time all due to my involvement with
this website. Managing a low-bandwidth comedy site has
almost killed me, and more often than not, made me wish it
had. At times I've considered just giving up and waiting for
some machete-wielding psycho to take my life in the middle
of the night for no apparent reason like you see in every
damn teen slasher flick that Hollywood vomits out on a
weekly basis. Today, however, all the pain and suffering
I've had to endure seems almost worthwhile, for I now sit
here and type the intro to the long-awaited tenth
installment of Project AFTER.
For someone who gives up as easily as I do, hitting the ten
episode mark is quite an accomplishment. I mean, quite
an accomplishment. I'm the kind of guy who can't finish an
entire Snickers bar because I get bored halfway through and
end up throwing it away, so staying with this website for
long enough to turn out this many fanfic reviews is nothing
short of astounding. And man, it feels great! Ten whole
episodes finally complete... I don't mind telling you, I
haven't looked forward to something this much since they
released the 1st Season of Punky
Brewster on DVD. Oh Punky, is there any heart your
enchantingly adorable antics can't steal?
To honor of such a significant milestone in the history of
this site, we'll be doing something a little different for
today's episode. Instead of me reviewing one, full-length
fanfiction, I'll be critiquing two separate fanfics, both of
which are just about long enough to equal the length of one
normal fanfic when combined. So you'll basically be getting
the same amount of fanfiction horror, but you'll get to
experience twice as many idiotic plotlines! Won't that be
For the main course, I'll be serving up Allergic to Truth,
a self-proclaimed Sailor Moon "lemon" written by Adrian
Tymes. That treat alone would be more than enough to rob
anyone of their appetite, however you'll certainly want to
stick around for dessert when you hear what's next on the
menu! It most likely isn't safe for human consumption, but
that fact won't stop me from dishing up a decidedly sour
recipe entitled Lemon Chocolate, which also happens
to be a Sailor Moon fic courtesy of Mr. Tymes. It may be
short, but it makes for it with some powerfully potent
Oh, and please remember to don your bib while dining, as
both dishes have promised to be quite messy in parts. Bon
Allergic to Truth
Here's a tip for all you aspiring fanfiction authors out
there: Don't name your story "Allergic to Truth" if you want
anyone to take it seriously.
The commercial dubbers of Sailor Moon are accused of
changing the characters - for example, Lita is not Makoto
English, but a whole different person who just happens to
events happen to her.
That's... a very interesting theory you've got there,
Adrian. Stupid, but very interesting nonetheless.
One example of such is the fate of this character's parents:
to take care of cats, Makoto admits her parents are dead,
but Lita says
her mother is allergic. Some say that this is just the
characterization that is standard practice for these dubbers,
but in this case,
they may have thought to imply something else...
I think that's giving the folks at Dic a whole lot more
credit than they deserve. Did you ever stop to think that
they might have simply assumed that the subject of dead
parents was a little too solemn for the six year old girls
the dub was targeted at?
Amy carefully wrung out the moist handtowel, then wrapped it
two ice cubes waiting on the kitchen counter. Three steps
to Lita's side; the next second saw the towel on Lita's
Now that is one fancy-ass way of saying Amy walked over to Lita and put a wet cloth on her forehead.
A second one caressed Lita's skin under Amy's guidance,
sweat for cool water.
I tried to exchange my hot sweat for some cool water at a
store one time, but the guy working there said they only
accepted money. I was all like, "Talk to the sweaty hand,
Lita ordered her body to relax despite its tension at the
stimulus, only then to realize the futility of tensing up
her muscular being
in order to subsequently go limp.
The author knows nothing about proper sentence structure,
but boy howdy does he ever know a lot of big words!
"Thanks, Ames," she sighed.
With Lita's prone form taking up the entire sofa, Amy
into a chair near her friend's head.
Amy: Goddamn, Lita, I've never seen anyone down that many
margaritas as fast as you did last night! You gotta learn to
pace yourself, girl.
"I can't believe your parents are still on vacation, with
"It's nothing. I'll be back on my feet by tomorrow morning."
And on her back again by tomorrow night. Oooooh!
"With a temperature of one hundred and five? I don't think
Lita smiled, slightly nudging the ice and almost causing it
to fall off
save for Amy's quick catch and repositioning.
This is the closest thing we're going to get to an action
scene in this story, so enjoy it while you can. The
runner-up for the most exciting sentence in this fic is an
intensely dramatic description of a chair.
"I told you, the thermometer's high by six degrees. I...that
is, my dad
keeps meaning to buy a new one."
"But he's always busy."
Maybe she should tell him that Walgreens® has thousands of
convenient locations across the country, many of them open
24 hours for all your medical shopping needs, day or night.
Because that's life. This is Walgreens.™
(Since I don't like to use
banner ads, I have to work in corporate promotions by
alternative means. Fucking sponsors...)
Lita started, but settled back before Amy could react.
picture of my parents on my dresser. It's a bit old, but we
the need to get a new one. I guess I'll always be five years
old to them."
Lita: I really wish they'd let me take a bath by myself, at
"A five year old doesn't hold down the fort like you do,
"Well...actually, I did start fully taking care of myself at
It was hard finding a place that would hire a five year old
child, and the three-hour commute on her bike was a bitch,
but that Lita was quite the determined little entrepreneur.
Amy raised an eyebrow. "I bet they were proud of you."
"It was tough, I'll tell you. But, hey, you know me: ain't
gonna take down Lita."
Not the competition! Not the haters! Not even the po-leece!
What, is Lita too in yo face or somethin'? Well get used to
it sucka, 'cause Lita just rolled up like a phat joint, and
ain't NOTHING gonna take her down.
She laughed at her own joke, which quickly turned into deep,
Lita: *cough* I need a cigarette, now! *cough* *hack*
Amy's hand hesitated a little when it came into contact with
Lita's skin, but
a renewed round of coughs shook it off. "More cough drops?"
Damn! Now we'll never know if she wanted more cough drops or
not! That's gonna bug me now...
Black paws silently crept through the shadows of a room just
enough of twilight not to have any lights turned on, their
semi-consciously invoking classic feline stealth.
I tried for a long time to make sense of that paragraph, I
really did! Eventually, I decided it would be better just to
skip over it before my brain melted and started leaking out
of my ears all over the carpet.
Sure that she had not been detected, Luna looked up at her
tensed in preparation for the final pounce...
The knife clutched firmly between her teeth, sweat
collecting on her brow as she silently rehearsed the 911
phone call to herself one final time...
....only for Amy to swivel and pick her up. "Hi, Luna.
Serena kick you
Luna blinked twice, before settling into Amy's lap. "Not
is fighting with her brother, though, so she's going to be
all night long. Bedding with her will be especially
Luna: Last time she woke up just as I was holding the pillow
up to her face, and if it happened again then I can't use
the "your nose looked cold" excuse twice in a row.
Oh, yes, that feels good. Right there, please."
Oh GOD, I didn't know it was going to be that kind of
Amy half-smiled and kept scratching Luna with one hand,
while her other
hand went back to work on her computer.
Phew, alright. Cat-porn narrowly adverted.
"What's it about this time?"
"Oh, Serena was complaining about how the principal gave you
time off to
care for Lita since you were so far ahead in your studies
that a week
couldn't possibly do any harm."
Uh, I don't think so. In Japan, you'd have a hellaciously
hard time getting one day off from school to attend your
entire family's funeral after they died in a plane crash.
"Serena was mad that I'm taking care of Lita?"
"No, but she wanted to do it herself.
Serena's been eagerly awaiting the opportunity to change
bedpans and make chicken noodle soup for weeks!
Anyway, her brother listed the ways in which Serena would
mess up Lita's
care - not once did he say anything about needing to study -
and you can't
even imagine how bad things went from there."
The horror! Did they start yelling "did not" and "did to" at
each other? Damn Luna, good thing you got out of there
before someone got hurt.
"I'll say. Not that I mind taking care of Lita." She paused
remember the day's events; for some reason, she felt a bit
hot at the
end, so she wiped her brow.
Amy: Boy, remembering the day's events really takes it out
of you! I think I need to lie down for a bit.
"I just hope I'm not coming down with what she has."
"You've been spending an awful lot of time with her, you
Oh hell, don't tell me this going to turn into some
Brokeback Mountain shit now...
"Yeah, well, her parents are always gone, and it feels like
are always gone. I guess we've kind of become each other's
I really hope I'm not the only one who just got incredibly
weirded out by that last sentence.
"Parents don't go dancing with their kids like you two did
"What are you saying?"
I think she's saying that parents don't go dancing with
their kids like you two did last week. There really isn't
much room for a hidden message in that.
"Just that I've seen that look on peoples' faces before,
a bit harder, please."
Amy wondered why some instinct made her cut off Luna's
renewed petting, but soon shrugged it off.
Oh, I get it. She's trying to mentally hide her secret
affections for Lita from herself. Confused, hormonal teenage
girl falls in love with female friend but has trouble coming
to terms with it. Now where have I heard
Several minutes passed with only clicks and gentle purring
total silence, as darkness completed its descent upon the
Just type "the sun went down" like a normal person, you
Amy blinked, rubbed her eyes, and kicked her wheeled chair
door just long enough to turn on the lights before wheeling
back to her
computer. "Hey, Luna? How come you always come to my place
want a break from Serena?"
Luna: For starters, that dumb bitch Serena is much too
stupid to find her way to your house.
"I would have thought that would be obvious. I mean, I don't
come here, but there's a good reason why I usually prefer
Because talking to Serena is like try to converse with a
mounted deer head? (Alright, alright, that's the last joke
I'll do that makes fun of how dumb Serena is.)
"I have a lap while working on my computer?"
Since Serena is too damn stupid to figure out how to use a
computer. (Okay, that was the last one, I swear!)
"Amy," Luna nearly growled. "That might be a good guess for
but I'm almost offended."
Amy could not help but giggle at Luna's blatantly mock
Arrrgh... This fic is so dry my eyelids are starting to
chafe. C'mon, let's pick up the pace here!
"Ok, Luna, so why do you come here?"
"Well...Mina already has Artemis, and before you say it, if
we were ever
to date, we would not want to disturb any of you...that is,
went better than that fleabag could ever hope to pull off,
That Luna is just so considerate, going so far as to plan
ahead so that she won't be a bother to anyone if she's ever
"Of course, Luna. What about the others?"
"Raye's birds and I do not get along very well. It's ok if
I'm there on
business, but the only good relaxation places would be on
the roof or
near the sacred open fire.
Mmm, suddenly I have a craving for sacred hotdogs and sacred
The birds would bother me on the roof, and the open
fire...well, it's sacred, like I said; I don't want to take
granted by sleeping there on a regular basis.
Hey! Guess what! I don't give a shit, and this has nothing
to do with the plot!
It's difficult for me to get in and out of Darien's
apartment without his
landlord noticing, so I only do that when I have to;
likewise, Lita's parents
are allergic to cats, so I try not to bother her. The rest
live a bit far away,
so it might be difficult to get back to Serena quickly if I
Son of a bitch, I've had experiences waiting in line at the
post office that were more stimulating than this.
"I thought only Lita's mother was allergic."
"She told me both of her parents were."
Amy: She what!? That means... She lied to me! She lied to
me!! Why that little lying whore!
"Hmm...well, one way to find out."
"You're going to ask her?"
Well, that would be the route that any normal, well-adjusted
person would take...
"No; she needs her rest right now. I'll look it up on the
And there you go.
That got Luna's attention. "You can look that kind of stuff
Yeah Luna, all thanks to this great new invention called
"Well, technically you shouldn't be able to, but I know this
search engine that's probably breaking a few laws with the
medical data it offers.
Ah, so that's how she gets all those "prescriptions" so
Luna watched, mesmerized, as both of Amy's hands flew over
the keyboard typing in a long sequence of characters on the
I think I saw this same scene before in 'Swordfish'. Now, if
only this fic boasted pictures of a topless Halle Berry,
perhaps I wouldn't have to chase down caffeine pills with
Red Bull just to read through it.
"You know, even back in the Silver Millennium we didn't have
of data sharing. We had computers, sure, but they usually
linked to each other.
A world with no internet? No online chat? No fanfiction
websites!? Wow, Silver Millennium really was a utopia...
Maybe if they were, we could've had more warning of Beryl,
"Never mind. Just indulging in what-ifs. But you know, I
Lita would approve of you digging into her personal history
Amy doesn't give a hoot about other people's approval. That
girl's a rebel!
"Hey, she's a good friend. And some allergies can be cured
if her parents have one of them, then maybe this can help
and give them a reason to stay home for a bit while taking
Their allergies are actually derived some serious emotional
issues that they need to get help with.
"If you say so. Did you find something yet?"
"I think so. This looks like the page I'm after, but..."
Amy: ...But I can't see anything because of all these
pop-ups for pornography and car insurance.
Amy tapped two spots on the screen.
Amy: Oh right, this isn't a touch-screen. Well shit. Let's
just do something else.
"Lita's parents died on the same day ten years ago. And
allergic to anything. I've got to be misreading the data."
Well, you know, you can't believe everything you read on the
"I don't think so. Click on the date of death, it looks like
to details about it."
Time is a funny thing.
...Whoa, um, what? Did we just skip something, or...?
Physically, it can only travel in one direction, and usually
only at one
rate unless measured by or relative to something traveling
speed of light. But perceptions of time can dilate,
even inverted or stretched into some second temporal
Oh, I see. Tymes knew his story was falling apart so, in
order to fill up space, he inserted an excerpt from his
science paper that earned him an 'F' along with a desperate
plea from the teacher that he seek mental help as soon as
A moment to prepare can be an eternity to the condemned
execution, while some beings barely perceive the passage of
even when reminded of the perpetual passage of time.
You thought you could get high before you wrote your
You thought it wouldn't hinder your ability to
write a good story.
You were wrong.
Next time, say no to
Next time, make some fucking sense.
A couple hours later, when Amy thought about it while trying
off to sleep, the page had loaded entirely too fast for her
Amy: G-Goddamn... Goatse.cx.... No, n-no... I can... I can
s-still see it.....
"Amy? You look worse than I do."
Friendships based on brutal honesty work surprisingly well
so long as you don't overdo it.
Amy slumped against the doorframe of Lita's apartment,
how dark the bags under her eyes were. "I couldn't get much
Which was, technically, true: no actual sleep, replaced with
a solid night
full of angsting over what she had decided to do and Lita's
rejection of her friendship as a result, was not much sleep.
So, the bottom line is that she didn't sleep much. I just
wanna be clear on this, because it's hard to know what's
going on when you keep throwing a bunch of confusing,
rhetorical bullshit into every single damn sentence in this
"Lita, I have to ask: where are your parents?"
"I told you, on vacation."
"No. Seriously, *where* are they?"
Lita: How should I know! I just threw the corpses in the
back of some random Freightliner and by now they could be
She stepped inside, never breaking eye contact with Lita,
shut the door behind her.
Calmly and swiftly, she reached into her purse and produced
a loaded Beretta 92FS. Gripping it firmly with both hands,
Amy brought the weapon up until it was level with her
friend's forehead. "Alright," the armed girl began, the look
of maddening rage in her eyes increasing with each passing
second, "I'm going to ask you one more time..."
"If they're on vacation, where were they going?"
"Umm...that is...Hawaii! Honolulu; there's a business
"So they're doing business while on vacation."
Is she trying to get Lita to admit that her parents are
workaholics or what?
"Yeah, well, it's a working vacation."
Whatever reply Amy came up with was preempted by a knock on
Amy: Oh, there's the pizza. Hang on, I'll get back to
interrogating you like a filthy criminal in just a sec...
Lita kept her eyes on Amy while walking around her to the
"Coming." She turned the knob and opened the door.
"Hi, can I help..."
"Hi, honey, sorry to keep you waiting."
Lita's gigolo makes another appearance at a comically
Time can also stretch to eternity for any person facing a
Aaaaugh! Not this shit again!
And within that eternity a lifetime of memories and thoughts
instantaneously as if light were not fast enough to contain
time of thought and emotion into that blink of an eye.
This fanfic has got exactly three minutes to stop being so
screwed up, otherwise I'm going to stop reviewing it! I mean
it! I'll turn this review around right here and now!
Ah, you see, all the weird-ass metaphors are making poor Lita
have a seizure!
The illusionary form of Lita's father glowed, then shrank
down into Luna
with a jeweled disguise pen at her feet.
"They're both dead, aren't they?" Amy had wandered further
apartment, and was poised to quickly take cover in case Lita
gave in to
I'm trying to piece this together as best I can, but it sure
ain't easy... Alright, I think Amy found out that Lita's
parents are dead, so she got Luna to disguise herself as
Lita's dad using a jeweled pen (!?) so that Lita would admit
her parents are diseased and not on vacation. Meanwhile,
Adrian just threw in all that random stuff about the flow of
time and space to sound all profound and hopefully cover up
the fact that he can't compose a decent story worth shit.
"They're not dead. They've just been gone for ten years.
that explosion, and they're on their way back to me.
An explosion, huh? What, did they piss of the mafia or
Any day now, they're going to walk through this door, and
things will be
just like they used to be, and I won't have to be so tough
all the time,
And people will stop writing Sailor Moon fanfiction?
Seeing Lita on the verge of tears, Amy gently hugged her to
the rest of the way.
Amy: That's it, my little pawn! SUFFER!! Mwah ha ha ha!
While Lita collapsed onto her shoulder and succumbed to
sobs, Luna flipped the pen up and balanced it on her head,
trotting in just
before Amy nudged the door shut again.
Seeing a cat with a pen balanced on its head always cheers
"Damn it, Amy. No one's ever guessed before. But if you
not be able to keep it a secret any more."
"Shh, shh, it's ok. I promise I won't tell anyone. And
Luna. No one else is going to guess; no one else knows you
like I do.
Not even Serena."
What she meant to say was: "No one else is going to guess
because they're all dumb-as-stumps simpletons who can't
figure out why they've never seen your parents after years
of being your close friend."
Years of pent-up tears gushed like a reservoir through a
soaking Amy's shoulder over many minutes. Amy muttered words
encouragement and gently guided Lita into a more comfortable
pose on the
sofa, while her mind confirmed and prioritized the questions
by her empathy's curiosity.
Come ON, man! "Her empathy's curiosity"!? What the... What
the fuck does that even mean!?! Stop using words you don't
understand just because they sound all big and impressive.
You're not fooling anybody!
Eventually, inevitably, the tears dried up, or at least
slowed down. By
this time, Lita's head had slipped into Amy's lap;
Face up, I hope.
her still watery vision looked up at Amy's face and briefly
morphed it into
a good approximation of her former boyfriends, but she knew
it to only be a
trick of the light.
Or the pills she took prior to Amy's arrival...
"Why did you have to guess?"
"Because." Amy traced the curve of Lita's chin. "If you're
I want to know. And once I knew, I couldn't stand the
thought of you
Ah-HA! You misspelled "suffering"! That word is easy to
spell, dude! All your gigantic words and time-wasting
metaphorical tangents don't do you much good now, you
"That was a mean trick, you know."
Amy just smiled and stuck out her tongue.
Amy is aware of the fact that she's a total bitch, and proud
Luna, having deposited the pen with Amy, took shelter in a
It was sunny, warm, and far enough away for Lita to give
Luna time to
flee if Lita came after her.
Jeez, Amy and Luna seems to regard Lita as an extremely
"Blame me. Amy had no idea I would do that. Now, about the
"Serena loaned it to me - that's the truth, I swear - but
head may have forgotten. I hope she never remembers; it has
Hold on, who is supposed to be speaking, now? And I thought
Luna brought that pen with her. God, just... Whatever.
"How do you mean, 'useful'?" Luna regarded Lita with a
though it was hard to tell on her feline face. "Sailor
powers are to be
used only for fighting evil, not for personal gain."
With great power comes great yadda, yadda, yadda. You all
know how that goes.
"Yeah, show me the line between 'personal gain' and 'making
it so I can
keep fighting evil'. Ever since my parents died, I've been
their signatures and mimicking their voices - I had to use a
at first, but lately I've been able to do it on my own - in
order to pay
the rent and sign various forms.
Who would have thought that a sweet, innocent girl like Lita
would be so exceedingly crafty when it came to cheating the
Their bank account had me as a co-signer; I think it was
supposed to be a
joke at first, but when the bank heard they were dead, my
being alive stopped
them from closing it, even if I was underage.
If you ever need proof that Mr. Tymes has absolutely no
clue how bank accounts work, there it is.
They had a lot of investments; I had to sell a bunch of
stuff in order to
pay the bills, but I think I've got enough to last me
And after college, well, there's always prostitution to fall
I borrowed the pen so my folks could show up at various
Amy had to wipe her own tears away.
I see Amy was also bored to tears by that story...
"That's where my 'Karate Maniac' reputation came from.
So is this a rehearsal for Lita's '60 Minutes' interview? If
not, then this would be a super awesome time to wrap things
up and call it a day.
I never could keep up the act forever, so when the
authorities became too
suspicious, I got myself kicked out and transferred
And the authorities didn't bother to hunt you down because,
let's be honest, the police are just lazy.
It also helped me discourage any kids who got too close to
the truth, but I
never actually punched anyone who didn't deserve it."
You could totally tell that old lady and that priest were up
to no good...
Luna closed her eyes. "You're going to have to tell the
eventually, you know."
Amy looked up. "Why?"
"You know perfectly well why.
Eheh, now don't forget who you're talking to here, Luna.
She said it herself: she can't keep up the act forever. If
found her out, she's right, she would have trouble sneaking
out to be
Sneaking out of what? You mean, like, jail?
"She only needs to keep it up for a few more years. I think
she can do
that, especially if I help."
Lita's eyes widened. "Amy...you'd do that for me?"
Amy: *smiles* Hey, it's not like lying and tax fraud are new
concepts to me, right?
"Of course. I...umm, Luna, you know where the pen is, can
Serena I have it?"
Yeah, c'mon! This fic has wasted so much time we need to get
to the sex scene, pronto!
"What's the rush? This sunbeam is nice..."
"Because on the count of three, I'm going to close the
window on your
tail if it's still there. One..."
Animal abuse is another specialty of Amy's, it seems. That
girl is just full of surprises!
Luna leapt out onto the balcony, and was quickly gone.
Lita blinked for a moment.
And the rusted gears in her brain slowly began to turn,
beginning the long and rarely seen process of registering a
coherent thought in the empty, windswept plains of her mind.
"What'd you do that for?"
"Lita...I...that is, we...I care about you a lot, Lita. And
when I thought about what you must have gone through,
I... I think I discovered something else last night..."
She discovered that other people's pain gives her a kind of
perverse, sadistic pleasure.
"I'm not sure how to say it...oh, why say it?" Amy yanked
up to hers and kissed.
Luna: Oh Amy, I forgot to tell yo-- Sweet Mother of God!!
It could have been hours for all that it felt like at the
time, but it
was over too quickly as judged by both Amy's and Lita's
Lita broke the kiss. "Amy? What about Greg?"
Amy: Oh, that pig? All he ever wants to do is have sex. Now
get on your back and spread 'em, sister!
"I told everyone: he's just a good friend. We're not really
"I didn't know you were homosexual."
"I'm not. Just Lita-sexual."
The twist ending is that Amy has a penis.
The next few hours lasted as long as they felt.
...Oh my God. Do NOT tell me that's what the whole fanfic was
leading up to. What the hell was this thing doing on a lemon
site, anyway!? I can deal with an abrupt ending like this,
but all the people who read through that drawn-out mess
expecting to be rewarded for their trouble with a sex scene
at the end
are going to be super pissed at that conclusion. So much for
pleasing your target audience, huh Adrian.
Speaking of endings, the fun for this episode of Project
AFTER is far from over! Stick around for another short,
one-shot Sailor Moon fic written by my new best friend,
Adrian Tymes. It's called "Lemon Chocolate". 'Nuff said.
The usual use-of-Sailor-Moon disclaimers apply. Other notes at
since they include a spoiler.
Spoiler: This fanfic sucks ass.
The four girls sat in the classroom looking bored. Classes were
over for the
day and very little remained for them to do.
Girl #1: Hey, should we like, go home or something?
Girl #2: Are you kidding? Sitting here and looking bored is
awesome! I can't believe we've never done this before!
They were planning on a of fun but couldn't leave until the
fifth member of
their group was present. As luck would have it, it was Ami's job
to go find her.
Ah, so now we're calling her "Ami". I guess this fic was written
before Adrian developed that fetish for making up brainless
stories to try and accommodate continuity flaws in the dubbed
version of the show.
Ami scanned her book as she walked, quietly musing at the irony
of it all.
She had long since developed the talent of reading and walking
at the same
Uh, well, that certainly is ironic... Wait, what!?
It just so happened that she was reading her biology text, and
reached the chapter on reproduction, when the other Sailor
they had waited long enough for Usagi and Mamoru to show. The
lovebirds had said they just wanted to spend a few minutes
alone, but that
had been half an hour ago, and Ami had drawn the short straw to
So, as I understand it, the "irony" is that Ami was reading
about copulation when her friends said she had to retrieve Usagi
who was probably in the process of getting knocked up somewhere
in the school. Man, that's quite a stretch, even for Adrian and
his wonderfully twisted logic.
As she read a brief paragraph about mating calls, Ami wondered
would hear their cries of affection.
There were no mating calls to speak of, however Mamoru had
clawed several lockers and sprayed a pungent, musky liquid on
the wall outside the girls' bathroom.
She nearly dropped her book when she heard Usagi moan.
stepping towards the noise, she peeked through a door that had
Usagi's slowly learning, at least... The last time she got felt up, it
was in the middle of the school's parking lot. And the time
before that, it was on an episode of 'The Price is Right'.
Beyond the portal, Usagi was in Mamoru's lap, lost to bliss
lover's caress. Usagi's entire body was limp, with her eyes and
closed as she concentrated on something.
2+2! C'mon, Usagi, you can do it! Work that brain cell!
One of Mamoru's hands stroked her chin, while the other
thigh. From the smile on his face, and the bulge in his
trousers, Ami could
tell that he shared at least a fraction of Usagi's pleasure.
I may not be a doctor here, but I'm pretty sure they need to
take their clothes off in order for this to work right.
As Ami watched, Usagi stiffened, arched her back, and moaned
not so loud as to put Mamoru off.
Mamoru: Ah, that's it, we're done. I told you loud noises kill
my sex drive, damn it!
Her lips and eyelids stayed closed as if glued. Ami could see
Usagi's flesh, which served to highlight spasms of what, judging
expression, could only be ecstasy.
Little did she know of Usagi's and Mamoru's contest to see who
could keep a live frog in their mouth the longest.
Although her mouth permitted no air to pass, Usagi took in
through her nose as her fists, dangling helplessly to Mamoru's
and unclenched of their own accord.
I'm beginning to wonder if Usagi is experiencing pleasure, or
having a mild stroke.
After what seemed like a lifetime, but was in reality only a few
Usagi calmed down. Hesitantly opening her eyes, she looked deep
mate's eyes and soul, and quietly pleaded, "More?"
Usagi: Those Altoids Citrus Sours are fantastic! I... I've gotta
have another one!
Mamoru smiled, and bent to kiss Usagi as he reached for a
Mamoru: Alright babe, let's empty these into a paper bag, light
it on fire, and leave it on Ami's doorstep! Haw yeah, this is
gonna be awesome!
"What are you DOING?" Rei hissed as she jerked Ami away from the
just silently enough to not be heard by the lovers.
Ami stepped away from the door under Rei's forceful guidance.
said I should get them..."
Well, you weren't so much "getting them" as you were getting
cheap thrills from watching them clumsily try in vain to screw
"Not in the middle of this!"
Ami blushed, and continued walking back towards where Minako and
waited as Rei scowled at her.
It's gotta be tough when you can't even catch of glimpse of your
friend fooling around with her boy-toy for fear that "Little
Miss Virtue" Rei is going to show up and go all Catholic church
on your ass.
A few seconds later, she commented, "I'm jealous of Usagi."
"Why? You were never in love with..."
"No, no. It's just, well...I don't think I'm physically capable
of what I
I don't think it takes a great deal of physical fitness to dry-hump
some guy's lap, actually.
Rei was about to ask, but thought better of it.
Good for you, Rei. Besides, no one really wants to know what
kind of horrors were taking place back there.
Although she was curious, she could just listen when Minako
for details when they rejoined the group.
Nevertheless, Ami continued. "I mean, sure, I like chocolate,
Well, I doubt you could really taste it down there, anyway.
What? Oh, uh, alright. I guess it's over. Y'know, that wasn't so
much of a "story" as it was a brief anecdote. And not even a
very amusing one, at that.
I got the idea for this from something that happened in real
No magic or drugs here; just Usagi and two of her loves.
Except Usagi isn't a real person, you delusional son of a bitch.
Yes, this *is* my first actual lemon...and I count it as such
though everyone had their clothes on throughout. ("Making love"
necessarily the same as "having sex", after all.)
In that case, would you care to explain the difference between
the two? Actually, on second thought, don't bother. I've had
enough of your insane, backwards reasoning and drawn-out
nonsensical ramblings for one evening.
Talk about double the fun, huh folks! Those stories were
just so... so... Well, they were somethin' else, that's for
sure! Hey, here's a puzzler for ya: Which of those two fics do
you think was worse? I'm kind of torn on that one, myself... The
first fic was much longer, and therefore gave me more time to
properly come to despise it with every fiber of my being, but
you've got to admit that the second fic did a damn good job of
making sure that all who read it were put through more than
ample amounts of pain despite how brief it was. Bad things come
in small packages, I suppose.
One thing both fics shared in common that just frustrated the
hell out of me was the fact that they were both completely
mislabeled by the author. By that, I mean that Adrian Tymes went
to great lengths to ensure that the above fanfics were
categorized as lemons, and even had a few sites place warnings
above them cautioning readers about all the "adult" content. I
find that fact way more amusing than it should be, since, for a
pair of stories listed under a genre that promises an abundance
of sexually explicit content by nature, both of those tales were
about as risqué as a daytime British sitcom (and twice as dull).
Just so we're clear, I'm not complaining about the fact that the
fics managed to abstain from wandering into smutty territory; on
the contrary, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that
reading them wouldn't subject me to outlandishly perverse
fetishes that would leave me unable to properly digest food for
several weeks. However, that doesn't excuse the fact that the
author basically lied to his readers by promising content that
wasn't there in order to create the illusion that there would be
some kind of titillating reward for those who were willing to
suffer through all the tedious buildup that ended up comprising
the entire story. If you want to keep your writings in
the PG area, then that's perfectly acceptable, but only a very
poor author would deceive his audience by dangling the word
"sex" in front of their noses when the story in question has got
nothing of the sort to offer.
...Oh shit, this is starting to sound too much like actual
constructive criticism! Err, umm, this fic sucked! I hated it
with a passion! It made me want to strangle the author and take
a dump on his cold, rigid corpse! Ahhh, that's better.
Well, that just about does it for my attention span. See ya next