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Episode 13: "The Bermuda Island" - Part 1
(A 'Pokémon' fanfiction by
As some of you may have already heard, there are some
rumors about me currently being spread around that I'd like
to take a moment to dispel. First off, that prostitute was
already dead when I got there, and anyone who says otherwise
is a goddamned filthy liar. I can't help it if there's a
madman running around out there with a hatchet and a vial of
my semen trying to get me into trouble with the sheriff's
department, now can I.
The other heinous rumor I've been hearing from some of you
is that I spend hours upon hours of my time running this
website because I actually enjoy reading bad fanfiction, and
that my reviews are little more than an excuse to secretly
showcase my love for bottom-tier anime fanworks. While this
statement technically could be further from the truth, I'm
inclined to say that it couldn't just to prove a
point. I don't mock fanfics because it's fun or because I
enjoy it; I do it because someone has to take
these terrible stories down a notch for the good of mankind,
and it just so happens that I'm the man fate has chosen for
that grueling job.
Take today's story for example... If you were standing right
next to me, could you honestly look me in the eye and tell
me that a Pokémon fanfic centering around the characters
having sex at every possible opportunity and then getting
murdered is something that shouldn't be scrutinized
by someone with a critical eye and publicly exposed as the
dissolute piece of moral refuse that it is? Look deep inside
your heart, and you'll understand the necessity of my
Unfortunately, that last paragraph just blew the surprise
for what the basic plot of today's fanfic is about. On the
bright side, no amount of mental preparation will make
reading the debacle that is to follow any easier or less
painful. The individual you have to thank for all your
future therapy bills is an author new to the fanfic scene
who goes by the name 'TreeFolk'. Yeah, I know, I know... I'm
personally going to give TreeFolk the benefit of the doubt
and assume he's an Ent, but if not, then the bar for the
most ridiculous pseudonym to appear on this site has just
been raised higher than it's ever been.
In either case, will someone please tell me why the hell
fanfiction authors never put spaces in their usernames?
Demonicslayer, Blackberry14, TreeFolk... I'm getting real
sick of this bullshit. If spaces aren't allowed, fine, but
at least throw me a bone and put a dash or an underscore in
there. I mean damn it to hell, people.
Anyway, I guess it's time to see whether or not TreeFolk is
all bark and no bite (Haaa ha ha ha!), and find out
if he really can write half a dozen chapters full of
gratuitous sex and violence set in the Pokémon universe
without making every single page of it thoroughly repulsive.
Spoiler: No, he can't.
The Bermuda Island
~Ash wins the lottery and decides to go on a cruise to a
tropical island thats deserted. The only problem is there is
a killer on the island and Ash and Co. have to figure out
who it is and get off the island before they all die.
Ash must have the worst travel agent in history. If horror
films have taught us anything, it's that young kids going to
a deserted island is always a recipe for death. I
think they would have been better off vacationing in a
haunted castle or a secluded Midwestern town rumored to be
inhabited by a satanic cult or something.
I don't nor will I ever own pokemon or its characters.
Although I wish I did I DON'T and I never WILL
Well not with that attitude you won't.
Ash, Erika, Ritchie, Melody, Misty, and Gary: 19
Whitney, Lance, and Morty:21
Clair, Blaine, and Pryce: 40
I see everyone's out of jailbait territory... We'll call
that "Bad Omen #1".
It had been a week since Ash had
won the lottery and during the week Ash decided that
he would take a break from his pokemon Journey and go on a
Remember kids, when you don't want to be bothered thinking
of a convincing reason as to how your characters can afford
to travel somewhere, just have one of them win the lottery.
Coming with him on that cruise were
May, Brock, Misty, Morty, Whitney, Lance, Erika, Blaine,
Sabrina, Pryce, Duplica, Gary, Melody, Ritchie, Clair, and
Mewtwo!? "Oh I know, let's invite the psychotic,
super-angsty Pokemon who can kill stuff with his mind! He'd
be fun to have on a pleasure cruise, right?"
"Hey Ash, where are we going on
this cruise anyway." said Blaine.
Blaine was so desperate to get out of the house that he
agreed to take a trip with a kid he met once without even
knowing where they were going.
"To Bermuda island, I hear they're
really nice this time of the year." said Ash.
"ASH, IT'S SO HOT THERE THAT WE WON'T BE WEARING MUCH MORE
THAN OUR SWIMSUITS" said Misty.
"Jesus Christ Misty, why the hell are you screaming
into my ear!?" replied a very startled Ash.
While this was going on everyone
else was loading the boat and getting ready to leave. "You
3. Stop arguing now and help us load the boat since it was
your idea to go on this fuckin cruise in the first place."
I see, so Blaine is the token "crotchety old asshole"
character in this story. I can't wait to see what other
platitudinous stock roles the rest of the cast fall into.
"Seriously, I'm the youngest one
here and I've helped more than you guys." said May.
"Okay we'll help already jeez you'd think they would thank
us for letting them come on this cruise." said Ash.
They're a mutinous crew, Ash! Make 'em all walk the plank!
"Ash you had me rig it just so you
could win so you should be thanking me for this cruise. Not
the other way around." said Mewtwo.
I don't know which is more hilariously out of character; Ash
asking Mewtwo to rig the lottery, Mewtwo agreeing to do it,
or Team Rocket not showing up at some point to steal the
winnings and somehow getting electrocuted to death.
"Okay I got the last damn bag on
board so lets go already I want to get into a suit and get a
tan." said Whitney.
"Okay everyone on board? Great. Then it's off to Bermuda.
Where there's sun, surf, and oodles of girls in bikinis."
TreeFolk sure is hell-bent on hyping the fact that this trip
is going to involve women wearing swimsuits... I guess a lot
of the thrill of getting to read about descriptions of
bikinis is lost on me, having been down that road before.
"Actually Brock. We'll be the only
ones on the island because it's owned by Gramps." said Gary.
"Hey I'm old enough to be your father, NOT grandfather."
Blaine: And it's not my fault the damn condom broke,
"I was talking about Prof. Oak."
Oh God, Blain is so senile he thought he actually owned a
"If Prof. Oak owns the island. Then
why did I have to get a boat to sail there." said Ash.
"You never asked." said Gary.
Somewhere, Professor Oak just did a Nelson laugh.
(A/N: They are sailing to Bermuda
while all of this is going on. Morty is currently driving
"Next on Channel 7 News: Hundreds died earlier today when an
ocean liner ran ashore near the Vermilion City docks and
plowed its way through several blocks of Main Street..."
"I'm going to sunbathe while we go
there. Mewtwo, can you put some sunscreen on my back,
Combusken can't hold thebottle." said May.
"Sure May, since this conversation is going nowhere pretty
Kind of like this fanfic...
So they went into May's room to get
(IN MAY'S ROOM)
That scene transition sure was handled smoothly... Not at
all like the less-subtle equivalent of someone holding up a
title card written in crayon with half the words misspelled.
"Okay Mewtwo turn around until I
say it's okay. I don't want you seeing anything that
you shouldn't." said May.
"Okay fine, but it's not like I can't see you in my mind."
Mewtwo: That's right bitch, I'm having lurid fantasies about
you as we speak and there's nothing you can do to
"I know, but I want Ash to be my
I'm afraid your parents and family doctor and any classmates
you shared a locker room with have already seen just about
everything that Ash is gonna see.
So Mewtwo turned around and after a
few minutes May said it was okay. What he saw mad it harder
for him to hide his erection.
Excellent. I was really hoping it wouldn't be too much
longer before we got to read about Mewtwo popping a boner.
And WHY IS MEWTWO POPPING A BONER!?!?
May's top was like the top Misty
wore in The Misty Mermaid episode and she had a thong for
the bottom piece. the color of the bikini was red for those
that were wondering.
"For those of you who have never seen The Misty Mermaid
episode, which I guess is probably most of you, uh... just
use your imagination. Imagine something, like, red, okay?"
So she laid down on her stomach
while Mewtwo got ready to put on the sunscreen. He started
to rub it on her back and decided to try a conversation to
get his penis back in its sheath. "So you really like Ash
huh." Yeah I do.
Aww, the narrator likes Ash. That's so sweet. :)
Although I don't know why he would
like me when there are a dozen of other girls after him that
are hotter then me.
"You'd be surprised about your looks and I'm sure you'll get
Ash in bed with you. Your only competition is Misty and she
hits him with a mallet on an hourly basis."
Mewtwo: You're kind of a dog, admittedly, but at least
you're pretty easy and you don't threaten him with physical
violence, so I guess that's a plus...
"Thanks for cheering me up Mewtwo."
"No problem I'm done so go out there and show Misty how to
get a guy." So both went back on deck and May went to lie
down in the sun.
That whole "win Ash's heart" thing is important to her, but
as much as catching some rays.
Although Mewtwo looked a little
redder then before and it didn't go unnoticed. "So Mewtwo.
You and May got jiggy with it." said Gary.
I'd peg Gary as the "simple-minded pervert" character right
about now, but honestly, that could describe most of the
"No she wants Ash not me. You have
no idea how frustrating it is to be the only one of your
species." said Mewtwo.
Here, TreeFolk is using his own life experiences as a
motivation for his characters.
"Don't worry. I'm pretty sure at
least one of these girls would have sex with you if you
asked them nicely enough."
Gary: Man, I don't know why they ever pulled my
advice column from the paper...
They then arrived at the island. It
wasn't very big. Only about 20 miles in diameter and is more
or less egg shaped. There was however dense foliage and
plenty of clearings where people could have privacy.
Talk about your descriptive writing. With all those sensory
details to imagine, I feel like I'm really there!
The only building on the island was
a huge house with 16 bedrooms and Mewtwo would sleep on the
fold out bed from the couch since he didn't need as much
privacy as everyone else.
I don't know about that, man. What if May walks by in a
miniskirt and he gets another hard-on?
So after dinner everyone decided to
go to bed since it was nearly 10:00p.m.
Jeez, these kids are real night owls. That's almost late
enough for reruns of Andy Griffith to be on, for cryin' out
Mewtwo was woken up sometime later
in the night however by someone coming down the stairs. He
could easily see because it was a full moon and the
downstairs had a lot of windows. It turned out to be Erika
in a forest green nightie.
I get it, she's wearing forest green lingerie because she's
a grass-type Pokemon trainer! Wow, TreeFolk really did his
homework on what motivates each of these characters. Maybe
next, he'll have one of them randomly shout "I gotta catch 'em
"Why are you up Erika."
"I had a bad dream and everyone else is asleep so could you
let me sleep with you just for tonight." mewtwo chuckled at
what she said but let her on his bed none the less.
The irony is that she's seeking a sense of security by
sleeping next to an abomination of science who violently
murdered his own creators.
"No problem. I'm always willing to help out." Erika got
ready to go to sleep and snuggled as close as she could to
Mewtwo. Mewtwo after the previous events and sights of the
day lost control and got an erection.
Mewtwo gets hard more easily than a 13 year old kid
in a porn store. I would hate to have him over to watch TV
or something, for fear that a beer commercial showing women
in bikinis would come on and the bowl of popcorn in his lap
would suddenly shoot up through the skylight like a Soviet
missile and rocket out of earth's atmosphere.
Mewtwo was afraid his bedmate would
be scared. Erika was just about to go back into dreamland
when she felt something poking the small of her back.
Mewtwo is a "Pokey-mon"! Man, I
must be like the last person in the entire world to think of
She turned around and looked at
Mewtwo with her kind green eyes and said "Mewtwo I didn't
know you had a gender."
"Yes when I was created they intended for me to mate with
Mew so it never happened."
Holy shit! Mewtwo is as tall as an adult human and Mew is
like the size of a housecat! That doesn't say much for
Mewtwo's "pride" right there...
"So you have never had sex before?"
"No and I doubt I ever will as long as I live."
"I know how you feel. I'm a virgin as well because no guy
Mewtwo: Christ! Why is it that every time I talk about
relationships with someone, I end up having to console and
reassure them! Bitch, I'm a living weapon who can kill shit
with his mind! You think it's hard selling your dumb ass to
a potential date, then try hitting the bar scene when you're
"They are all fools for thinking that. You are one of the
hottest girls on this island. Erika and Mewtwo's heads were
getting closer and closer during this time and they finally
kissed each other.
And thus they committed every possible sin at once.
After breaking off their first kiss Mewtwo went down her
body until he reached where her pussy was and rubbed it
through the fabric. With a swipe of his hands the nightie
teleported to the floor.
This was the real reason for Mewtwo's creation. By the year
2030, scientists hope to have perfected
underwear-teleportation technology to the point where it's
simple enough for even children to operate.
He then stuck his inexperienced, but skilled tongue inside
of her and started to eat her out. He licked all around her
vagina and nibbled on her clit.
Erika: Ow. Ow! You're-- OW! Y-You're doing it wrong!!
After she was good and wet he slowly began kissing up her
body until he got to her breast. He went to her left breast
and started licking and biting down gently on it. Meanwhile
his hand was playing with her other breast rubbing and
tweaking the nipple. The after five minutes he switched and
did that for another five minutes to the other breast.
Fun Fanfiction Fact: Due to an error made by one of
the editors, a portion of this fanfiction was accidentally
published as a highlight piece in the May, 2004 issue of
Promising Young Writers magazine. The company
responsible for publishing the magazine went bankrupt
shortly after the issue hit newsstands, when all 52,000 of
its subscribers canceled within the span of four days, and
one of the head printing offices was burned to the ground by
a mob of angry villagers.
He then kissed up her neck and started nibbling on the
sensitive flesh their. Erika suddenly flipped him over so
she was on top and had a mischievous smile on her face.
Erika: NOW we're having a party! Time to bust out the
strap-on dildo, my little fucktoy bitch!
"Its your turn now Mewtwo." she said and went down his body
to his twelve inch member. She engulfed the whole thing into
"Ungh are you sure you haven't done this before Erika."
All she said was that she was a virgin, and if Clinton left
us with anything, it was the lesson that oral sex doesn't
After awhile of that she went back to be even level with him
and Mewtwo got on top. He could see her sweaty nude body
because of the moonlight. her breasts heaved with every
breath she took and her eyes told him she was ready. "Fuck
me long and hard Mewtwo."
Boy, her eyes have some pretty foul language there...
He just smirked and slowly entered her hot moist vagina. She
was so tight that he was in pure ecstasy by the time it was
all the way in.
I wonder if this counts as bestiality.
They then got a rhythm going and whenever Mewtwo would pull
out, Erika would tighten her muscles then loosened them when
he went back in. "Erika I'm so close to the edge."
Erika: Already? Oh my God, are you REALLY a virgin!? I
thought we were roleplaying!
"Me too Mewtwo." They both orgasmed at the same time and
laid down into a blissful slumber for the rest of the night.
AN: This is my first lemon scene so please help me.
Dude, you need help. I'm not even talking about the fanfic,
There will be many different pairings and some couples will
stay together while others will be ripped to shreds. Give me
ideas and so help me if you don't have any reason in a
flame. I do take criticism, but only if it improves my
Well, um, shit. That's like saying "I'd like to buy this
jacket, but only if it's made of magical thread that makes
me invisible and able to breathe underwater."
(A/N: Oops I forgot Duplica's age. She'll also be 19.)
I'm glad TreeFolk put so much time and effort into designing
these characters and planning out the story ahead of time.
It was the next morning. Everyone had seen Erika and Mewtwo
on the couch together so after waking them up they all sat
down to breakfast.
Ash: Yum, pancakes. Mmm. ........ Huh. Soooooo.... I
noticed the couch in the living room is ruined.
May was fantasizing about Ash when Lance interrupted her
train of thought "Didn't your grandpa hire a Nurse Joy and
build a Pokemon Center here."
Holy crap, those Pokemon Centers are everywhere. Those
things are worse than Starbucks.
"Yeah. Of course. Why do you ask?" said Gary.
"Because I was wondering what we would do if we had a
pokemon battle and our pokemon were injured." said Lance.
While he was saying this Lance was looking at Misty an May
because everyone except Ash knew both girls were in love
with him and didn't know who Ash was going to choose.
Lance's idea was to host an impromptu game show where the
two girls could complete for Ash's affections, then sell the
footage to FOX as a pilot for a new series called "Who Wants
to Be a Loser's Girlfriend?"
Just then Misty got an idea of how to settle the war over
Ash with May.
Alright! Someone is finally going to get murdered!
"Hey May I challenge you to a pokemon battle and once you
lose you have to let me get Ash." said Misty.
Well goddamn it.
"Fine but you'll be the one crying while Ash and I are
making passionate love in his room."
Seriously TreeFolk, you can't introduce a cast this thoroughly
unlikable, promise the readers some much-needed killin', and then not
deliver. That's just not cool.
Ash began choking on he last bit of food when he realized
that both girls were in love with him. Fortunately Charizard
sensed his master was in danger and help him out since
everyone else was engrossed in the argument that was taking
place across the table.
And to think that everyone laughed at Ash when he decided to
teach Charizard 'Heimlich Maneuver' for his fourth attack.
With that breakfast was officially over and everyone went to
do whatever the fuck they wanted while looking forward to a
good pokemon battle that afternoon. Lance was walking on the
beach enjoying the peace and quiet of the clearing when he
heard a noise.
Please let it be the war drums of a cannibalistic tribe of
'Hmm what is that. Sounds like music coming from across the
clearing'. He looked over and saw Melody playing her flute
on a rock.
Melody: To hell with this lame-ass island anyway. I'm warping to World 8!
When it was done she was startled off the rock when she
heard clapping. Lance went over and helped her up. "That
music you were playing was very soothing. What is the song
Lance: Oops, you split your head open on the rock. Oh well,
you can tell me after you regain consciousness.
"I don't know, I just made it about a week ago so it doesn't
have a name yet." They were currently on a cliff with waves
crashing below them. One powerful wave caused Melody to fall
off balance, but Lance caught her in time. Unfortunately,
Lance couldn't keep his balance and so they both fell with
Melody on top of Lance and their faces just inches apart.
Remember kids, if you want to have two characters get it on
but can't think of a believable way to make it happen
without wasting precious space in your story, just have them
fall on each other somehow. Don't think of it as a stale
cliché... Think of it as a tried and true shortcut to
Lance couldn't control his emotions anymore and kissed
He's been pining for her for, well, minutes!
At first it was just a kiss, but it soon evolved into making
out. Lance reached behind her and untied the top of her
bikini and briskly threw it a couple feet away.
Take that, article of clothing! That'll teach you to get in
the way of people surrendering to their uncontrollable
When he looked back at her he couldn't help but stare at her
big breasts. He started to fleck and rub her nipples. They
both took off the remainder of the others clothing and
admired each others bodies.
Lance then flipped them over so Lance was on top and the
motion caused Melody's boobs to jiggle turning him on and
giving himself an idea.
He suddenly realized that he could order a copy of the new
'Dead or Alive' game off the internet and have it waiting
for him by the time he got back from vacation.
"Melody, put some saliva on your hand and rub it on my
"Okay, but why?"
Lance: Melody, put my penis in your mouth and suck on it as
hard as you can!
Melody: Well okay, but I don't see where you're going with
She seductively licked her hand until it was covered in
saliva and started to pump Lance's dick. "Yes, that feels so
Lance: Hey wait a minute, I can do this by myself. Umm...
Maybe you can like, grab me a beer for afterwards or
"Good because I want to give you all the pleasure I possibly
"Okay thats enough. Now please squish your boobs together.
Melody did so and Lance sat on her stomach. He thrusted his
dick between her boobs causing both to moan in ecstasy.
That sounds pretty uncomfortable and humiliating, but at
least her breasts seem to be enjoying it...
"Ohh Lance, this was a great idea. Don't stop."
"I won't. But just wait until later when we have even more
privacy." Lance then shot out his load right onto Melody's
Sex scenes that demean the woman and glorify blatant male
dominance are always the most erotic. NOW PUNCH HER IN THE THROAT,
"Lance. I'm ready for you to enter me so let's become one.
Lance positioned himself in front of her pussy and with one
swift movement he was in. They picked up a rhythm soon after
Is this some kind of sex game show where they're on a time
limit? "Orgasm again within 40 seconds and you get a chance
to spin the Prize Wheel!"
"Ohh Melody you are so tight."
"Lance you're huge. Don't stop. I want to have a baby with
Oh shit! Red flag dude! RED FLAG!
"Are you sure about that? We just met yesterday."
I know, but I can tell now that I want to spend the rest of
my life with you."
Melody: You seem abusive and domineering, and so far sex
with you has been awkward and rushed, but I really like your
With that Lance grabbed her ass cheeks and thrusted harder.
Both were close to the edge. Lance started licking the cum
off of Melody's face.
Well now that is some disgusting shit. Damn, Lance, there
are better ways of pretending you're gay to get out of
Finally she was clean they shared one last kiss and ha the
biggest orgasm of their life. Lance rolled off of her
breathing deeply and finally Melody said. "Lance, do you
believe in love at first sight?"
Lance: Oh, what, you're still here? Normally this is the
part where the woman I'm with takes the money off the
nightstand and leaves so I can get some sleep.
Lance responded. "Yes I do and I think I have it bad for
"So do I. I've been in love with you ever since I saw you on
the port, but didn't think I was attractive enough to have a
chance with you."
Today, Melody learned that sluttiness can make up for being
ugly; a lesson that would serve her well for the rest of her
"What made you think that."
"Because you are a member of the Elite Four and have tons of
hot girls throwing themselves at you each day."
Only in the realm of TreeFolk's twisted imagination does wearing a cape
and making small creatures fight each other for a living get
you hordes of attractive women wanting to become part of
your personal harem.
"True, but you're the only one who wants me for who I am,
not what I am and that's why I'll marry you after this
"Thank you. Isn't the battle between Misty and May starting
soon." said Melody.
Enough of that "spending the rest of their lives together"
crap, anyway. It's time to get back to what really matters in
life... Pokemon battles!
"Yeah it starts in 30 minutes so we better get going since
I'm the judge."
So they got dressed and headed toward the area where the
battle for Ash's heart would be fought out.
And another opportunity for genuine character development
comes crashing to the ground, just like TreeFolk's ancestors
before they were hauled away and made into furniture for a
A/N: Hmm another couple, another chapter written. Like it?
Hmm... Do you have anything in stock that's stronger than
R/R. Tell me if my writing is better or worse then the last
chapter. Sorry if it seems confusing, but this is only my
second chapter to my first story.
The more confusing you can make it, the better. It was
during the parts where I understood what was going on that
my desire to punch a hole through my wall was the strongest.
I have most of the pairings set up aside from the
Ash/May/Misty triangle and I'll try to get them all going
next chapter and hopefully have it up within a week. So
again please leave reviews. Oh and the killer makes an
appearance next pretty soon.
Good. I'm getting sick of reading about the characters doing
something other than dying.
(A/N: Hmm I need to update more often or the story will
never get finished. Also I'm lazy so the battle will be
This is a Pokemon fanfic, after all, so let's breeze through
the Pokemon battle so we can get to MORE FUCKING.
The time for the pokemon battle between Misty and May was
rapidly approaching. Everyone was either excited, or in
Ash's case nervous about who would win and who he would have
Ash: I didn't agree to any of this... Hell, is this even
"So Ash who do you want to win? May or Misty."
"Well Gary I want M"
Ash wants to get freaky with James Bond's boss!?
"HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE FIRST POKEMON BATTLE ON BERMUDA
ISLAND BETWEEN MAY AND MISTY. I'll be the judge and my name
is Lance. This is no ordinary battle as the victor will also
claim Ash's heart and get to go on at least one date with
him unless Ash doesn't want to."
"Hah hah, that's right Lance! I'm John Madden, and I'll be
commentating on today's match as well. Oh man, is it a great
day for a Pokemon battle here at Bermuda Stadium. Bermuda
Dome. Bermuda... Island? Whatever. Anyway, these girls are gonna bring out the Pokemon today with one game plan in
mind, and that's attack each other. Should be a fantastic
game! So let's get that ball on the field... The Pokemon
Ball, that is! Poker-Ball, Poke-Ball, Pork-Ball... Oh, it's
Poké-Ball, with the little accent thing right in there just
right like that. BOOM! Hah hah, fantastic. I'm John Madden.
Back to you Lance!"
"Enough of the introductions let's get started so I can show
that wench what happens when she tries to get my Ash from
me." said Misty.
"Oh yeah well at least I don't hit people over the head with
a mallet just to win an argument and Ash is not your
property." said May.
This scene is more fun if you mentally insert some head
bobbing and a few "Oh no you di'unt!"'s.
"Oh yeah, well my water pokemon will show you the true
meaning of drowning."
"No need Psyduck showed us that the first day here."
(There's a really great, moving scene in the Extended
Edition of this fic, where Blaine falls overboard and
Psyduck sacrifices himself to save him. Totally makes it
worth shelling out the extra cash for the two-disc set if
you ask me.)
"Okay ladies thats enough. This match will be a three on
three battle with no time limit. Begin!" said Lance. He
really wanted to get out of there and do it with Melody in
Cheap, meaningless sex is everybody's motivation for
everything in this story.
"Okay fine then Misty calls Starmie."
"Hah if all you have is water pokemon then I'll have Ash in
my bed in no time. Go poocheyena."
"Starmie use ice beam."
I scream, you scream, we all.... Eh, forget it. That joke
was going nowhere.
Dodge and use hyper beam poocheyena." The ice beam rocketed
at poocheyena as he was charging up hyper beam. At the last
second he dodged and KO'ed starmie in one hit with hyper
Wow, Starmie is kind of a pussy.
"It's a one hit wonder as starmie is unable to battle and
the round goes to poocheyena."
"No starmie. You shall be avenged."
Such RAW EMOTION!
"Hah is that all you got. Poocheyena eats pokemon like that
These girls are about as good at trash-talking as TreeFolk
is at not making me wish he'd died in a forest fire before
he got the chance to write this fic.
"You'll pay dearly for that. Go Blastoise."
"Okay second match. Blastoise v.s. poocheyena. Begin!"
Poor Lance is really just phoning it in at this point...
"Blastoise use hydro pump on that little mutt."
"Poocheyena watch out." It was too late however as hydro
pump blasted poocheyena a couple feet back. However when the
dust cleared poocheyena was glowing white.
Poocheyena's going Super Saiyan! This battle just took a
turn for the AWESOME!
"All right! Poocheyena is evolving. You're dead now."
Poocheyena then finished evolving into mighteyena. "Okay
mighteyena. Use take down on that overgrown turtle."
Mighteyena then ran and tackled blastoise. However it had no
effect on him and mighteyena got knocked out by the recoil.
Dude, Mighteyena just KO'd himself. I think Magikarp has
some new competition for the title of the most useless
"It's okay mighteyena. You did good and deserve to rest."
"Yeah you can put that mutt to sleep alright."
"Okay Misty this pokemon will win it for me."
So, I guess that part about this being a "quick" battle was
basically just a bunch of bullshit, then.
"Oh yeah well call it out already."
"Fine. Go manectric. Manectric use thunder and win this for
me." Manectric used thunder effectively knocking out Misty's
blastoise in a single hit.
Misty and May must have some the weakest, most malnourished
Pokemon in the world... I feel like I'm reading the script
for a dramatized flashback sequence on some animal
cruelty-themed Dateline NBC special.
"Ha you have only one pokemon left and it'll fall to my
"No it won't. Go gyarados."
When all else fails, Misty summons the power of traditional
"Okay manectric use another
thunder." Manectric did so scoring a critical hit and
winning the match for May. Ash ran onto the field and gave
May a very passionate kiss.
Oh dude. Dude. That was epic! I'm so glad I read
through that entire battle scene, because the ending was
just so hugely climactic and awesome. The way the plot
twists were just firing at me left and right and the story
kept piling on all that intense buildup, I was totally on
the edge of my seat there. And then, the way Misty's Pokemon
fell in one hit, just like all her other Pokemon
did... Oh man. That was some powerful shit right there. I'm
like frigging shaking right now. The mental image of May
reaching out and
screaming "Okay manectric use another thunder," is gonna
keep me pumped for, like, the whole rest of the day.
I need to end this review right now, because I want to end
on a high note and nothing... nothing... can possibly
top the sheer mind-blowing awesomeness of that last battle.
I think I speak for everyone when I say that fanfic was
absolutely tree-mendous! Ah ha ha ha ha! Hoooo
man... But seriously, though, that was a horrible story. I've
had vivid, disturbing nightmares that seem like trips to Six
Flags compared to reading through those first three chapters.
Not only was the writing terrible and the plot largely
incomprehensible, but if I recall, we were very specifically
promised scenes where various members of the cast are murdered
in cold blood. Now maybe this is just old-fashioned thinking on
my part, but if you write a story and label it as
"mystery/horror" and explicitly state in the synopsis that the
plot is going to center around a murder mystery, then perhaps,
you know, just for the sheer hell of it, you should have your
story involve a murder mystery.
I would be downright outraged over this blatant false advertising,
except I know the story is only half over and we still have
three chapters left to drudge through in which almost anything
could happen. ...Anything so long as it isn't good, at
least. That just doesn't seem to be what TreeFolk's writing
style is all about.
As much as I admire this young writer for his creative spirit
and free will to be different and rise above the tenet that good
writing is the route all authors should take, I'm going to tell
you all one thing right now: If the second half of this fanfic
is as bad or worse than what I just got through reading, then
there will be a murder to speak of, and the mystery of
who the culprit is will be a real fucking easy one to solve,
because I'll be sitting right there next to TreeFolk's corpse
clutching a bloody knife in my hands with a vacant, detached
look in my eyes as I slowly rock back and forth and mutter to
myself about cartoon characters slurping up assorted sexual
fluids off of each other's faces. Hell, if you guys want, I'll
even set up a video camera beforehand so that my triumphant
moment of liberating the internet from more dreadful stories
written by this maniac can be immortalized on film for all time.
In any case, be sure to check out the next episode and find out
what happens to our intrepid troupe of horny heroes. I promise
it'll be a fun, entertaining read that surly won't leave you
stricken with regret! (If TreeFolk can lie to his readers, then
so can I.)