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Episode 15: "An Uchiha's Proposal"
(A 'Naruto' fanfiction by
I hate Naruto fans.
The above statement is a fact that's bound to become
apparent to all readers at some point during the course of
this fanfiction review. I briefly considered seeing how long
I could keep up a facade of objectivity and pretend that I
started this thing with no preexisting bias against Naruto
or the people who enjoy it, but to hell with it. The truth
is going to be obvious sooner or later, so I may as well
just come right out and admit it. I'd like to think I
learned something from O.J. Simpson's mistakes, even if O.J.
Naruto itself is a series that I gave a chance some years
ago when the anime and manga first showed up in the good old
US of A. I faithfully stuck with it through the end of the
second major story arc, and while I did enjoy some of the
secondary characters and the more creatively-executed battle
sequences, it eventually got to the point where I just
couldn't swallow all the bullshit Masashi Kishimoto was
trying to force down my throat. All the main characters
start out irritating as hell and only get worse as the story
progresses, a bunch of critical plot points are laughably
convoluted, the emotional tone is all over the map, and the
setting is an incongruous mix of sci-fi and fantasy that
never quite does either genre justice. Also, for a series
that tries to be funny as often as Naruto, you'd think the
humor would consist of more than a bunch of eye-roll
inducing slapstick sight gags and fart jokes.
I realize it probably seems unnecessary for me to rag on
Naruto like this right before reviewing a story that
effectively deals such a cruel blow to the series. Maybe it
even seems downright out of character for me, since it isn't
like I felt the need to go into any detail about why I
dislike certain other anime series that have appeared in
fanfics I've examined on the site (and I certainly had an
opportunity with all those Sailor Moon and Pokémon fics I
suffered through). One crucial element separates Naruto from
every other series I've defended from vicious canon-rape
through PA, however. I'm talking, of course, about its
Now, rather than steering this intro even further off course
by listing why exactly I detest hardcore Naruto fans (or "Narutotards"
as they're affectionately called by the rest of the anime
fandom) as much I do, I'll let this episode's featured
fanfiction explain it for me. The story encapsulates the
average Naruto fan perfectly; it's awkward, confusing, dumb
as hell, unabashedly gay, and it probably takes daily trips
to the manga section of the nearest bookstore wearing one of
those ridiculous ninja headbands that make the entire anime
fanbase look so stupid that I feel like some kind of
degenerate social outcast for standing in the checkout line
at Best Buy with the newest volume of Black Lagoon in my
hand. Titled "An Uchiha's Proposal", the story chronicles
Sasuke's efforts to find a wife— err, life partner in order
to save his job at the ninja company. Or something along
those lines. It's tough to keep track of little details in
the plot when you've got so much STUPID to wade through.
The author of this ocean of nonsense is every bit as
mysterious as the reasons behind his work's existence. Exrxr,
as he calls himself, is one of the few fanfiction authors
I've encountered who avoids filling his online profile pages
with loads of extraneous information about his personality
and hobbies as if anyone besides him actually gives a damn.
The personal info he provides is so minimal, in fact, that
I'm not even sure Exrxr is male. Just to prove that I'm not
someone who believes in every negative stereotype,
however, I'll overlook the cliché that all fanfics with gay
pairings are written by yaoi-obsessed fangirls and assume
that this one was penned by a guy.
And because I'm all about honesty today, I'll admit that
Exrxr being a man is partially wishful thinking on my part.
The reason being that there's so much unwarranted hatred
targeted at the female characters in this story that if
Exrxr is a woman, then she would have to be tormented by so
much self-loathing that she's probably hanged herself with
the sash of a fabulous cosplay wedding kimono by now. Maybe
it's ultimately for the best, but I'd still rather not
ridicule someone as long as there's a possibility that their
ghost will haunt me. The last thing I need is a poltergeist
in my house that leaves half-eaten Pocky and gay pornography
An Uchiha's Proposal
Archived: Slashfanfiction only (hehe, don't you guys feel
A quick Google search reveals that this story was also
uploaded on FanFiction.net. I'm sure the admins over at
Slashfanfiction are heartbroken over losing exclusive rights
to a gem like this.
Disclaimer: I do not in any way or
form own "Naruto" the manga nor anime.
Well, ho ho ho. Here I am, back again with another fic.
^ What you hear on Christmas morning if you've been really,
really bad the previous year.
I'm supposed to be revising
but what do I do?! Yes, dam. Honestly! I was studying
(or was that procrastinating to study?) but then my muse
came along and I guess I just had to get this out of my
system before I forget the plot.
Have fun explaining to your teacher that the reason you got
a 'D' on the history quiz is because you just HAD to write
some homoerotica based on your favorite cartoon show before
you forgot the brilliant plot you thought of that's so thin
and straightforward you could have fit the entire thing on a
Also, I've noticed there are not
many SasuNaru proposals done before. I've read a lot of
SasuNaru fics; them being together, them going to be
together, a Hokage Naruto being with an Elite Jounin Sasuke
For those people who say I'm too hard on the fanfiction
community, consider this: According to fanfiction authors,
Sasuke/Naruto isn't a pairing. It's the name of an entire
But I've only read one other fic
where Sasuke proposes to Naruto.
Thus, it has come to my attention that I will also write one
up. I hope I don't stuff it up! Also, this is a ONE-SHOT fic!!!
Meaning there is NO second chapter so don't ask for one; my
decision has been made FINAL!
I wonder if Exrxr really gets that many requests for
sequels, or if he's just that arrogant in assuming everyone
will read this and want more. Hmm, both scenarios seem
crazy, yet tragically, both are entirely possible...
Now, on with the fic!
These are thoughts
-- -- -- -- These are scene changes -- -- -- --
These are the times that try men's souls.
Tsunade is in her office, waiting for the arrival of Uchiha
Sasuke for an important meeting. Naruto and the cast are
aged around 18 and 19 yrs. HOWEVER! Naruto is still 17; he's
got a few months to go until he's 18. For this fic's
purposes, the legal age of being, well, legal to do anything
without a guardian's permission is 18.
"Guardian, can I use the bathroom?"
"You shut your seventeen-year-old mouth and get the hell
back to work! I've got another two months of exploiting you
for free labor in the lava mines, and dammit, I'm gonna use
-- -- -- -- Hokage's Office -- --
Tsunade turned around to look out of the only window
available in the Hokage office. Glancing up, she was met
with the engraved faces of the other Hokages along with her
own. Rubbing at her temple, she contemplated on what she was
going to inform the last Uchiha.
Kami, help me!
For those who don't know, "Kami" means god in Japanese. So
it's like she's saying "God help me!" except in Japanese.
...Except, uh, in English. Wait...
Sighing again for the millionth
time that day since her meeting with the council, the Fifth
went to a side draw to find the emergency sake that was
always there. Finding the said item, she brought the white
bottle up to her pink lips and downed the whole of the
contents in one go.
She set the white bottle down on her grey desk, shut her
brown eyes tightly as she lurched forward, then emptied a
puce green stream of vomit all over her blue shirt. Boy, was
her face red!
One must note, at this stage, that
when one downs an alcoholic beverage in the spans of two
seconds flat, it is emanate that one will become drunk fast,
no matter their body weight nor how immune they seem to it.
If only that were true, I'd save a bundle on booze every
week. You don't know about building up a tolerance to
alcohol until you've run a site dedicated to reviewing
Z-grade amateur writing for half a decade.
Therefore, the orthodox way in
which one very dunk Fifth Hokage went about informing
something that was of substantial importance to one
irritated Uchiha was not well perceived.
Exrxr sure has one massive hard-on for the passive voice. He
also writes like someone who just bought their first
thesaurus and is absolutely giddy over the idea of finally
being able to look like a genius on the internet.
"Come again, Hokage-sama?" enquired
the Sharingan user as he tried to stop his left eyebrow from
having a seisure of its own.
"I said: You. Have. To. Get. Married." Spelled out the
blonde gambler as if she was talking to a three year old
Damn, people get married young in the Naruto
"Pray may I ask: why?"
At this, the Fifth frowned as if she was trying to remember
something. However, in her drunken state, she didn't quite
remember the reasons.
In other words, Exrxr didn't feel like thinking up an
explanation for the plot device which his entire story is
Thus, with a wave of her hand, she
replied: "Make babies?"
Tsunade: The council decided the village needs more
unsociable, effeminate assholes for some reason. I don't
know, we're trying win over tourists from Seattle, I guess.
Hiccupping a little, the Fifth
tried to pull some dignity back together and straightened up
in her chair.
"Ahem. Anyhow, you're relieved of duty until you've found a
wife and have impregnated her. . . or something along those
Feeling his patience thinning quite quickly, the
raven-haired youth was about to complain when something more
appealing came to mind.
It suddenly occurred to him that, wait a second, getting
paid vacation time to have sex might not be such a horrible
thing. Still, his love of complaining urged him to bitch
about something... anything, really, just to make the
hurting go away for a few precious seconds.
Mulling over his idea a bit
further, the Uchiha decided to ask one final question before
he made his decision.
Sasuke: After I get married, can I still continue to pay
whores to pee on my feet while I pleasure myself?
"Then what of my . . . wife?
Will my wife also be excused of shinobi duties until
they gave birth?"
Without thinking, the Fifth replied in slurred manner: "Hai
Learning Japanese Through Shitty Stories Written By Nerds
Who Watch Too Much Fansubbed Anime, Lesson 1: Hai hai
means Get me a bucket, you little rectal zit.
"I'll announce my wife at
four this afternoon in Training Area Ground 5." Perfect.
With that, the Uchiha heir bowed to the Hokage and made a
Huh? That was all? That's easier than thought.
Wait, whose thoughts am I reading now? Oh shit, what's
What had not been seen was the
gleam in those dark eyes as the other had exited.
-- -- -- -- Somewhere in Naruto's apartment -- -- -- --
Couldn't decide whether to have this scene take place in the
kitchen or the bedroom. Please use your imagination and
picture it wherever you want. Thanks!
- The Author
A blond, young ninja woke up with a
shiver of impending doom. In his state of half-awake ness,
the feeling was discarded quite easily as the early
mid-morning rituals of waking up, eating ramen and training
-- -- -- -- Later around lunchtime -- -- -- --
Are these scene introductions purposely vague to keep us in
suspense, or what? Is the fact that it's currently 12:46
some shocking revelation that's going to reveal the identity
of the murderer at the end of the movie?
By this time, word of the Uchiha
survivor's proposal to his future wife-to-be had spread
around like wildfire. Every girl, and some boys, were
ecstatic at the news and ran about franticly trying to look
It wouldn't be a Naruto fanfic if every single character
wasn't absolutely off-the-wall fuckshit-crazy for some of
Sasuke's luscious ninjahood.
Among the first to know about this
exciting piece of information was a pink-haired kunoichi.
The first thought that went through her pink bubblegum head
was: OMG! Sasuke's going to marry me!
Second thought: OMG! I need to change!
I guess it's apparently a stereotype that dumb people think
in acronyms, now. As confusing as that is, I can't say I'm
surprised to see that yet another yaoi shipper maintains an
unhealthy hatred for the source material's female
characters. Because there's no room for fish on a sausage
There was a gleam in green eyes
quickly covered by a cloud of dust. Thus, a pink and red
blur was seen passing at the speed of light through the
Even Amy Rose from the Sonic games wants a piece of Sasuke's
pasty emo ass.
The next person to hear this news
was someone with silverish hair and a mask and scarf that
covered all of their face save for one eye.
Now who is this mystery character!? Seriously, not
one individual in this story has been named since the first
scene. Instead, we're expected to play "Match the character
to their hair color."
Their first thoughts were a bit,
eh, disturbing than the one before.
Wife eh? snicker I wonder how long our Sasu-kun is going
to take to impregnate "her"?
That's creepy. Not the part about Sasuke knocking up his
future wife, I mean the fact that Kakashi imagined
himself snickering. Who does that?
Then, the next thought that
followed after wasn't any, er, safer.
I don't think Sasuke's wife is going to be happy about
that. Especially when "she" wants to be Hokage. Then . . . .
he he he! Poor Sasu-kun! He'll be working "under" his wife
then! insane snickering
Goodness, I sure do feel "weird" ever since I downed that
whole bottle of "pills" I found discarded on that "bench"
earlier. I suppose I shoul—N'gerrk! Ahh, ah... Oh dear, I
seem to have had a mild "stroke" just now. uncontrollable
While during this time, in Training
Area Ground 5, one lone blond figure was training
undisturbed by all the commotion in the village.
-- -- -- -- Around 3:50 that afternoon -- -- -- --
Give or take. Unimportant details are unimportant; get back
to describing hair colors already!
Naruto had been working off a sweat
under the afternoon sun for nearly four hours straight. As
the blond had woken up late like usual, the young fox
carrier had decided to eat late and forego lunch just to
have an early dinner.
That's great. Why are we being told this, exactly?
However, on this fine afternoon, it
was a bit unexpected when a hoard of girls, boys and nearly
the whole of Naruto's friends had showed up at the same
Crowd: AW YEEEAAAAAHHH! SPRING BREEEEEAAAAAK!!
The blond was just a little
surprised to also see the Fifth, who was also with the toad
summoner, there among the crowd.
The blond, the Fifth, the toad summoner... I guess the Awful
Writing Supply Emporium must have been completely sold out
of pronouns when Exrxr stopped by.
Is there a festival on? Did I
miss an important meeting or something? Thought the
blond as he looked warily around at all of the blushing and
Somehow, within four seconds, the blond found himself
squashed among the herd of female bodies with their short
dresses and bright accessories. Naruto nearly choked in that
situation with all of that perfume that the herd of "things"
seemed to wear.
You'll notice one of Exrxr's trademarks as a writer is
displaying an overpowering contempt for females whenever
possible. Another trademark: Sucking.
Over the years, the blond had found
that he had been merging (sorta) with the parasite within
him. Along the merging process, Naruto had attained some
enhanced senses, one of them being smell which did not go
well with the blond ninja at this moment.
Gaaaaahhhhhh! Ahhhhh! I can't take this anymore!
Naruto: Who the hell set up the taco bar for these chicks!?
Wait, shouldn't the canine demon in me like the smell of
butts? Ahhh, now I'm grossed out AND confused!
Holding his breath for the
meantime, the blond dropped on all fours to burrow his way
out of the forest of skinny legs. Reaching a break in the
white sticks, the blond tumbled out of the freakish area
only to land at the feet of some blue sandals.
This story was partially adapted from a children's pop-up
book designed to teach little kids the names of colors. I
can't wait for the sequel where Naruto learns how to count
Looking up, blue eyes meet up with
. . .
Dun. Dun. Dun.
Duuuuuuuuunnn Duuuuuuuuunnn . . . .
The upside curve of a single eye. (A/N: hah! Got you guys
Haha, ho boy, you sure did, Exrxr. Based on that buildup, I
was totally expecting him to see a penis dangling inches
from his face.
"Yo!" chirped the happy Jounin.
"K-Kakashi-sensei? What's going on?"
Looking at his only blond student, the Copy Cat Nin
contemplated on what to tell (or in this case not tell) to
Kakashi: Hey, Naruto, you know how you've never gotten to
experience the thrill of having your home destroyed by an
explosion because of a meth lab in the apartment below
yours? Well, I got some good news buddy!
Hmmm...If I told him this
then...But if I told it like this...
Finally coming to a conclusion, the Jounin replied: "Sasuke's
here to challenge you to a fight in front of everyone. If he
loses, then he's going to admit that he is weaker than you
in front of all the people that are here. He'll be here at
four which is only a few minutes away."
Nice goin', COCKashi. Now I fear that some wacky, madcap
antics may occur as a result of some comical
misinterpretation of the situation on Naruto's part. No way
I'll be able to appreciate the seriousness of the
This, of course, was a total lie.
However, for the Uchiha's proposal to go as planned, a
certain blond-haired, blue-eyed individual also had to be
Claudia Schiffer? Please think of a better way to specify
characters besides constantly referencing their hair and eye
color. Using their FUCKING NAMES might work.
However, sigh, I might get
killed by Naru-chan later but...this opportunity was too
good to pass up! This is just as good as Icha Icha Paradise:
As if Kakashi wasn't creepy enough in this story, now he's
drawing a parallel between deceiving a young boy and reading
Plus, the blond was to know that
he never told any truths if his excuses for lateness were
any indication of that, reasoned the silver-haired
Naruto, taking the bait and never backing out from any
challenge, had decided to wait a safe distance away from the
herd of "things".
Naruto: Ugh, just look at those vile creatures, standing
there gabbing about unicorns and babies and whatnot, leaking
their disgusting uterus fluids everywhere... *shudder*
Two minutes after the deadline and
the blond was restless.
"Where is that bastard! I don't have all day! I'm actually
hungry if his Uchiha-highness doesn't know! If he's not here
in two seconds I'm leaving!"
Onlooker: Stop yelling things at the air! It makes you look
Naruto: YOU make me look retarded! Wait, I mean, shit.
Grumbling under his breath, the
blond didn't realise that there was another presence near
him. That is, until a gust of wind and leaves swirled behind
him and a pair of pale arms grasped him from behind.
That entrance couldn't have been any gayer if Sasuke had
ridden in on a pink pony with a vibrating dildo hanging out
of his mouth.
Caught a little off guard, the
blond 'eeped' at the sudden warmth of another body pressed
so intimately against his.
"Didn't know you'd wait for me even if you're hungry, Naruto."
Whispered a husky voice near a tanned neck.
Let me guess what happens next: The blond's blue eyes
fluttered shut, tightening beneath blond eyebrows, and his
tanned body shuddered as he sensed a rush of tortured
mysteriousness from the other non-blond individual.
Feeling a warm breath of air around
his very sensitive neck, the blond blushed a rosy pink
before jumping around out of the other's arms to face the
owner of said arms. With feet a little apart and fists
raised, the blond pushed down his blush in favour of
scowling at the other.
Though the blond scowled, his blue eyes softened as he felt
a tingle in his blond pubic hair, and what happened next,
why his blue eyes shut tightly before opening again, looking
at the pale raven-haired and not blue-eyed metrosexual
delight before him. He was blond. The blond one, I mean, not
the other one who isn't blond.
"Ok Sasuke-teme! I've waited long
enough so hurry up so I can kick your ass!"
At the mere mention of the Uchiha's name, many, many, many
pairs of eyes whipped around to the smirking Uchiha.
Everyone held their breath to see who the Sharingan user
The sound of people breathing disrupts Sasuke's delicate
"Hn. Never knew you were waiting
that long for me, dobe."
Learning Japanese Through Shitty Stories Written By Nerds
Who Watch Too Much Fansubbed Anime, Lesson 2: Dobe is
a term that means a compulsive shoplifter (colloquial
At this, the blond looked
uncertainly at the other. It had almost seemed like the
Uchiha had said that name in an affectionate way. Shaking
his head at the absurdity of it all, the blond narrowed his
eyes at the other.
The Uchiha noticed the narrowed blue eyes of the blue-eyed
blond-haired blond standing before him. Smirking at the
blond, the Uchiha sexily rubbed some moisturizer into his
pale hands as blue eyes (which belonged to the blue-eyed
blond) watched the Uchiha do the aforementioned thing he was
No way he's getting me unguarded
However, the blond was caught off guard again but this time
in a totally different manner. The Uchiha, who was also the
last surviving Sharingan heir, had knelt down on one knee.
This is Sasuke's ultimate technique coming up. Watch as he
pretends to offer to shine his opponent's shoes, then knifes
'em in the kidney!
Withdrawing out a dark red box, the
Uchiha opened the top to reveal a simple banded ring with
the Uchiha fan in a finely cut diamond and red ruby. Around
the golden band were small patterns that couldn't be seen
but upon closer inspection it proved to be small spirals.
Aww, that's nice. Next to hearts, I think spirals are just
about the most romantic shape there is.
Girls that were behind the blond
gasped at the beauty of the simple yet very hand-crafted
ring. While Naruto just blanched at the one holding the box.
What is he up to? Is this some kind of weird jutsu he's
learnt from Kakashi-sensei!
It's the ancient ninja art of setting yourself up for a
really obvious Lord of the Rings joke. In fact, I'm not even
touching that one.
However, the next sentence proved
the blond's last thought to be wrong.
Cool, thanks for that heads-up on what I'm about to read
next. It would have sucked to have been unprepared for that.
"Uzumaki Naruto, will you take this
ring and marry me?"
At this point, many mixed reactions went throughout the
crowd. Some cried, like some of the girls that had hoped
that the Uchiha would choose them. Some had blanched at the
thought. There were some that were disgusted at the idea of
two males marrying but there were also some that were
drooling at that same idea.
I'm not opposed to gay marriage, but if I was, drooling
fanfiction authors would be my go-to argument against it.
Then there were some that were
furious at the idea. Those that were furious consisted
mostly of Tsunade and Iruka who were the most protective of
As well as a bunch of Catholics who happened to be there for
an unrelated function.
How dare he ask for Naruto's
hand in marriage before asking me! He's not even legal to
accept! You damn Uchiha! I'm not going to let you lay even
ONE finger on him you hear!
How can he HEAR what you're thinking? This story is a series
of giant logical contradictions surrounded by numerous
smaller logical contradictions.
However, the only reaction that
seemed to matter at that point was the blond's. Naruto's
reaction was not what anyone had expected. First, his head
was bowed down so his blond bangs had covered his eyes so
that no emotions were able to be seen.
Just like anime characters often do in those sorts of
situations. Nope, never would have expected an anime
character to do something like that.
After a few seconds, his shoulders
started to quiver and a shake, followed by a laugh erupted
from the fox carrier.
The blond fox carrier, you mean. Also, what does that
have to do with anythi—
Everyone had quietened down at the
blond's insane laughter.
Yep, there it is. You son of a bitch.
Sasuke, at this time, had a stoic
expression on but inside, a swirl of emotional turmoil was
taking place. Why is he laughing? Wasn't I sincere
enough? Will he accept? Will he decline? Hn. He won't
decline me, not after I persuade him.
The Uchiha was snapped out of his thoughts when a hard fist
connected with his check.
Sasuke: Ah shit, that hasn't been cashed yet! Damn, now I
can't afford to eat this month, either. Dirty pool, man.
"You (punch) JERK! (kick) I'm
(punch) NOT (punch) going (kick) to (punch) marry (punch)
YOU (a very hard punch)!"
This is something people like Exrxr hear (and feel) a lot
from normal people who they get too clingy with.
After throwing a few more chakra
enhanced punches for good measure, the blond stopped a few
feet away from the other. Huffing a little, Naruto looked up
at the other with a scowl.
A 'poof' sound was heard and what appeared to have been "Sasuke"
was replaced by a log. This did not bode well for the blond
which only just fuelled his anger.
Wait, so it was actually a log that proposed to Naruto? What
the hell would have happened if he'd said yes? Would Sasuke
have stepped out and proposed for real? Maybe he would've
kept hiding until weeks later, after the wedding had taken
place, then jumped out and been all "Ha ha, Naruto, you
[Japanese insult], you just married a LOG!" Then Naruto
would be all like :O
"Come out here you stupid bastard!
This is NOT funny! Show your ugly face here now so I can
kick the living daylights out of you, TEME!" Breaking for
breath, the blond looked around him warily.
Learning Japanese Through Shitty Stories Written By Nerds
Who Watch Too Much Fansubbed Anime, Lesson 3: Teme is
a term that means a person who is hung like an ant.
His request was immediately replied
as the becoming-all-too-familiar swirl of air and leaves
passed behind the blond and the becoming-very-familiar pale
arms wrap around his waist.
"I AM serious." Replied the Sharingan user.
"Marry me or your daughter is dead! DEAD, Uzumaki!"
Sensing that the blond's boiling
point was about to explode, the Uchiha placed a small kiss
on the tanned neck. Feeling a tingling sensation throughout
his body at the simple contact, Naruto blushed even redder
than the first time as all anger dissipated for some unknown
Naruto, understandably, just wet his pants in fear of
Sasuke's quickly escalating madness.
"But since my first attempt was so
bluntly refused..." said the Uchiha as he placed further
kisses up the sensitive flesh while a pale hand slipped
under a black garment to finger quivering tanned abs.
It's almost surreal how elaborately terrible the writing in
this fic is becoming. This shit makes the $6 romance novels
they sell at airports look like they were written by
Hemingway on brain steroids.
"Then I have no choice but to use
force in my second attempt." At the use of the word 'force',
the Uchiha's hips pushed forward to show his leering
Naruto: Holy God, he's going to rape me! Aaaaaahhh! Why
isn't anyone helping me!? What the hell is WRONG with you
Blushing even redder than a tomato,
the blond tried to stutter a few words out in refusal when
he felt a film of blue chakra wrap around him. A puff of
smoke was all that was left in Training Ground 5 as the
Uchiha had taken his "wife-to-be" back to more private
quarters to "persuade" the other to accept his proposal.
Jesus, this is even worse than having the mob "persuade" you
to do something. Yeah, you get your fingers broken and your
toes chopped off, but at least you don't lose consciousness
listening to a paramedic yell "I need more gauze to shove up
the anus to control the bleeding!"
Those that were still at the
training grounds were a bit shocked. Nobody had expected the
last surviving Uchiha to be so blunt in front of so many
people and friends. However, there were only a few that were
not so shocked (namely Jiraiya and Kakashi) who just smirked
knowingly at the disappearing white smoke.
"Heh, that Sasuke, always raping people... Naw, he's a good
A few minutes later, two powerful
and angered individuals had to be knocked unconscious for
one Uchiha Sasuke's survival.
-- -- -- -- 10 minutes later that same afternoon -- -- -- --
Nobody had heard the Uchiha's second attempt at proposing to
the loud blond.
They didn't hear the clanking of metal chains, the sound of
leather hitting exposed flesh, the desperate pleas for
mercy, or even the panicked bleating of the goat that was an
unwitting participant in a twisted affront to all that is
holy and decent.
However, everyone in Konoha DID
hear the blond's reply as a scream erupted from the fox
carrier. It was also noted that the words uttered were:
"YES! K-Kami, ah! Yes!"
Nice to see the harmful stereotype that people secretly
enjoy being raped doesn't only apply to women anymore. Way
to break down some barriers, fanfiction.
And that was the End.
Hehehe, Sorry if I couldn't add in how Sasuke managed
to persuade Naruto to change his decision but then it'd
require me to write a lemon scene.
Damn, I really hate that I missed out on reading a bunch of
clumsily-written sentences describing a cartoon
ninja being forcibly penetrated by another cartoon ninja.
And I'd take even longer to post
this up! That plus I'm not really into writing a lemon (it
was hard enough writing 'cure to pain' as it was!)
It was hard enough reading Cure to Pain. You bastards
are lucky I didn't decide to review that one.
And last but not least, please
REVIEW!!!! I'll LOVE you forever for doing so!!!
Since your definition of "love" seems to involve violent
molestation, I'd rather you didn't. In fact, I think I'm
going to call the police now. I don't even know what I'm
going to tell them, it's just that picking up the phone and
dialing 911 feels like the right thing to do in a situation
Did I mention that I hate Naruto fans? I can't remember. It
seems like something I would have brought up, though, because
only a Naruto fan could have written something as brain-rottingly
terrible as that... uh... thing I just read.
God, my mind is so scrambled I can't even think straight
anymore. This must be what it feels like to get a lobotomy
performed by an alcoholic surgeon who's going through a really
As much as I hate to subject my readers to any more of that
failurrific story, for archival purposes, I feel like I'm
obligated to post the alternate ending I found. I don't know how
Exrxr managed to even get a hold of him, but apparently he was
collaborating with well-known filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan on
this fanfic at one point. How much M. Night actually contributed
to the final draft will forever remain a mystery, but I do know
that he wrote an extended ending that was never used.
Personally, I think it's a major improvement over Exrxr's
original conclusion to the story, but I'll let you folks at home
read the alternate ending (posted in italics below) and decide
for yourselves which one is better.
Later that evening, a certain blue-eyed, blond-haired Jounin
laid somewhere in bed next to a raven-haired Sharingan user.
Giggling playfully, the blond reached down and rubbed the pale
chest skin of his pale Sharingan-using lover.
"Oh, Sasuke-chan! Wau! That sexing was hijouni mega-nei sugoi!"
elated the blue-eyed blond flamboyantly.
Feeling a streak of friskiness shoot through his young self, the
fox-carrying blond leaned over to plant a super-kawaii kiss on
the pale lips of the raven-haired heir to the Sharingan laying
beside him. The blond shut his blue eyes tightly and puckered
his tanned lips, only to feel something dry and rough come into
contact with his sensitive bishounen skin.
"Ehh? Sasuke-kun!? Doshita no!?" cried the blond fox-carrier
with tears of fright in his blue eyes.
Suddenly, a ghastly sight was beheld by the young Jounin's blue
eyes. Before him laid not the sexy raven-haired Uchiha, but a
"Nani!?!? My kawaii boyfriendsudaisa is a piece of wood!?" The
blond was shocked beyond words except for the ones he had just
Suddenly, a beeping sound rang out from across the room, and the
blond's blue eyes shot over to see what the commotion was. The
fox-carrier's blue eyes opened wide as he noticed the stack of
plastic explosives adorned with a digital timer that blinked
00:00. The tanned blond had no chance to scream.
The sky above the Hidden Leaf Village became a vivid shade of
crimson as a certain hotel erupted in an incredible explosion of
fire and death. A tower of black smoke climbed high into the
atmosphere above the ruined building, and burning chunks of
debris rained down on the city, probably killing some dumb
stupid girls somewhere.
From a distant vantage point outside the village, a certain
raven-haired, Sharingan-using Uchiha watched the beautiful
destruction taking place. He made no movement for some time,
before finally tossing a smoldering cigarette butt onto the
ground and grinding it into the earth beneath his shoe.
"What a twist," said the pale Sharingan-user as he looked into
the camera and winked knowingly.