Episode 02: "Unfamiliar Ceiling / The Beast"

Part II

Hey there, party people. As you can see, I am not Richard Goodness, and any semblance of him ever existing has all been figments of your imaginations. Some say this is not the case; he's just studying for college. He's just lazy. He was just a communist trying to subvert Project A.F.T.E.R. I say you are all wrong. He never existed, and any hint of him existing is a lie. Big Brother told me these things. Big Brother is doubleplus good. Richard Goodness is simply an unperson.

Now, let's get started on who I am. My name is SSJ Heero. Well, no, my name isn't really SSJ Heero, but for simplicity's sake, let's just say it is and not mention my real name, alright? I am a Gemini, enjoy long walks on the beach, and I hate dirty, filthy hobbitses. I won't get into that, but let's continue. Why have I undertaken this momentous(ly stupid) task of writing EVA: Rehashed?

For one, Alex threatened me at gunpo... Oh wait, no mentioning that. Well, I already own six of the eight DVD's, so I guess I was the perfect candidate to do this. Considering these credentials, I won't be as new to the series as Richard Goodness wasn't (remember, he never existed). I've seen these episodes before, and I'm reliving them with a sarcastic eye. Oh, and ignore all stupid-anime-fan-faggot comments I might make. Or insult me for them on the forums. So, alright, let's get the ball rolling, and note that like previous episodes, I'll base my comments on the dub. (Just to be that much more consistent.)

Anyway, the play-by-play. Episode 2, Part 2: Unfamiliar Ceiling/The Beast. In our last chapter, Shinji's a whiny little bitch and Misato offers to make moves on him. In our next enthralling half, we begin with a view of Misato's apartment complex. Little needs to be said that it sorta looks futuristic. We cut inside and see Misato and Shinji walking through the halls, where Misato says that his stuff has already been delivered. We then learn that Misato just moved in as well.

Shinji is invited to come in. He's asked by a twenty-something lady with an amazing yet realistic body (for anime standards) sought after by approximately half of the anime nerds in the world to come into her apartment... And he stands there like a pussy and mutters, "I don't want to intrude." Misato sets him straight by saying that, duh, it's his home. That's the point of being a roommate. So he finally steps him and says that he's home. (Japanese expression. Not really translatable.)

Shinji then learns that the place is just a teeny bit messy. And let me tell you, it is. For Misato's standards. Half-open boxes lay in the corners, empty cans of beer litter the table, and trash bags lay in some side of the room. So yes, it's home, sweet home. Misato sticks her head into the kitchen and asks Shinji to put the groceries in the fridge.

It's one of them futuristic fridges where trays pull outward instead of a door swinging out. The wonders of the technological age! Inside, Shinji finds the normal stuff: Ice, snacks, and fifty gallons of beer! "What kind of life does she lead?" he asks himself. Well, wouldn't you like to know what she did to her last roommate...

Shinji notices a second fridge and asks what the hell it's for. Cut to where we see Misato changing, and there seems to be no meaning behind this scene except to please fans like me. Notice that a tissue box lies by her futon, and crumpled pieces of tissue lay by it... The subtle acts of perverting the youth! No wonder Japan is so fucked up when it comes to sex, but I digress.

Misato replies to Shinji, "Oh, don't mind that! He's still sleeping!"

To which Shinji wonders, "Sleeping?" Yes, that's exactly what she did to her last roommate. Killed him and stuck him in the freezer to hide the evidence.

Right after that, we hear the ping of the microwave, and Misato declares, "Let's eat!" (Once again, a Japanese expression with no real translation or cultural equivalent here.) Misato downs a beer and yells for joy. "You know, life just doesn't get any better than this!" she declares. Oh, I bet it can. Like, you know, if aliens didn't attack your planet and all. And you didn't have to be the one to fight it. Or better, not having to be the one to clean up after the other guys' fights.

Misato notices Shinji not eating, and starts prodding him about it. Shinji replies that he's not used to food like it, to which Misato gets angry and says, "Are you finicky?!" And she leans over him to give the kid a clean shot down her shirt.

Shinji is dumbstruck by Misato's attitude... And other assets.

Arrow added for emphasis.
 

Shinji is unable to respond before Misato shows that she's bipolar and smiles again. "Isn't this nice?" she asks, "Having two for dinner sure beats eating alone!" Shinji wonders what the fuck is up with Misato. And then we get a shot of her ass, which I must say has some curves going on.

We cut ahead and hear Misato talking about them "going" for the "next one". And we see them playing 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' to decide the chores. We notice that Shinji was majorly owned on nearly every single day of the month, where he is forced to clean everything. Though, that's probably better off, considering how Misato leaves the place...

Misato says again that he is home, and she tells him to take advantage of everything... Except for Misato. All Shinji can say is, "Uh, yes, ma'am." And Misato again goes bipolar on his ass. "Yes, yes, yes, is that all you can say?!" and she insults his manliness. To which Shinji replies, "Yes, ma'am!" I think that was supposed to be humor. Huh.

Misato falls back and just tells him to go take a bath. "Bathing cleans the mind and soul," so she says. And we cut to a shot of her underwear, with a naked Shinji looking up at it... That closet pervert. He opens the door and we see a little penguin. Note, the penguin is short... About at eye height. To his Pen 15.

Shinji, strangely, is the one screaming, not the penguin. He runs out buck-naked and demands about the penguin. Note that his manliness is covered by her can of beer. Misato looks forward with a disbelieving glance. The penguin walks past, and Misato just says, "He's one of those new warm water penguins." Note that the penguin has CLAWS ON HIS FRIGGIN' FLIPPERS. It's like a fighting game penguin, like the kangaroo or dinosaur in Tekken.

It walks over to the second refrigerator, where it is apparent that that's where it lives. Misato says, "His name's Pen-Pen! He's your other roommate!" Oh my God, what did Misato do before Shinji arrived?! Okay, let's just not imagine that.

Anyway, Misato reaches to pick up her can of beer, and in some much-needed hilarity, a container of toothpicks lays behind it.

Oh dear... Appearing naked before your hot roommate

is something you'll never live down.
 

Shinji disappears behind the curtains and Misato just thinks to herself, "Maybe I should be nicer..." No, you shouldn't. He's already the laughing stock of anime-land. "But he's probably already made up his mind about me," she continues.

Cut to Shinji in the bath, where he ponders about Misato, almost on cue. He reflects over her comment about bathing, and mutters that bad memories always find him in the bath... Like his father. Wait. His father "finds him in the bath"? No wonder Shinji's so messed up. Oh, and it seems Rei finds him in the bath, too. Okay, he's reeeeaaaally messed.

Cut to another giant robot with a huge "0" printed on its head. Ritsuko asks Gendo about Rei's condition. We see that they are in an abandoned and messed up laboratory, and Gendo says that she can work again in twenty days. By then, apparently, they'll "be able to reactivate Unit 0 from cryostasis". Ritsuko shows her kind side and says it's hard on the children. And in the douche-est voice Gendo can muster, he says, "There is no one else who can pilot the Evas. As long as they survive, that is what I'll have them do." And Ritsuko gives him some lip about it.

Cut to Shinji's lovely suite, where Shinji is listening to his tape player. Wow, for a high-tech society, he's still using a tape player. I mean, weren't CD players like 12 bucks back then when Eva was produced? Misato's voice is heard going on about how after the stuff Shinji went through, he probably wouldn't pilot again. Come on, he came to Tokyo-3 only to feel inexorable pain like being STABBED THROUGH THE EYE WITH A LASER BEAM. Unless he was one of those sexual freaks who enjoy it... Sexual freaks... Like in Japan...

...Okay, never mind.

We see Misato's legs as she talks to Ritsuko on the phone, who taunts her that it's her job to take care of him. Misato replies that she doesn't know how to deal with such an uncontrollable kid like on talk shows such as Jenny Jones. "Grumbling already?" taunts Ritsuko a second time. "But it was your idea to take care of him--"

"OH, SHUT UP!" Misato screams back. Bam, bitch! Take that! Misato just thinks to herself, "I was just thinking of Shinji as a tool..." Ehr... That's discomforting... Maybe the context will put it right. "I'm as shameless-" ...Wait, the context... "-as Ritsuko." ...

The Japanese really are fucked up.

"We destroyed the Angel," she mutters to herself, "but I don't feel happy."

Cut to Shinji, who sighs, "Another unfamiliar ceiling..." God, shut up. "Of course," he continues, "in this city, there's no place that's familiar." He recalls Misato's words about it being his home. "Why am I here?" Man, what a fucking emo-fag. Join Simple Plan already, god.

The steady beat of drums in the dark. Doom, doom, doom... We get flashbacks of the fight scene.

Return to where the Eva- or, ehr, Gerald- had its eye gouged out by the Angel. The technicians scream in terror about the damage on Gerald as the scene flashes red. Oh no, we can't eject Shinji! Oh no, we know nothing about his vitals! Oh no, activation can't be maintained! Oh no, Linkin Park made another song!

My favorite technician (the woman with the short hair) gives Ritsuko lip about trying to cut off the connection, "We CAAAAAAAN'T! It's not accepting the signal!"

And when all hope seems lost... GERALD DOES THE KAIOKEN! Gerald suddenly activates and opens its mouth to roar. Everyone in HQ is in disbelief. My favorite tech shouts, "I don't believe it! This can't be!"

Ritsuko puzzlingly mutters, "Berserker..."

Needless to say, Gerald goes berserk and wails on the Angel. It suddenly jumps and slams into the Angel. The Angel tries to crush Gerald, but it breaks free and leaps away. "We've done it," says Gendo's right hand man.

Gerald dashes at the Angel, and bam! There's a shield between them. Ritsuko shouts that it's an AT Field! It seems the Angel is invincible!

Oh crap, Gerald just regenerated its broken arm. What the Hell, it ripped through the wall! And then the Angel shoots one of its cross beams at it.

Religious symbolism in Evangelion?! Lies construed by the liberal media!
 

Gerald rips off the Angel's arms and kicks it away like a toy. It dashes into the Angel like a bull and shoves it back (along with a building that it had crashed into). Gerald's on top, wailing on the Angel's core sphere. BAM! BAM! BAM! And then the Angel leaps onto Gerald and compresses into a ball. "It's gonna self destruct!" Misato says in disbelief.

BOOM! Shinji dies, the end. Oh wait, damn it, this is a flashback. He has to live. Misato asks if Gerald's alright. It walks away unscathed, and everyone is scared. They see Gerald's true form, amazed.

And we cut to Shinji inside the cockpit. As HQ demands for help to retrieve Shinji, Gerald's helmet breaks off and drops to the ground. Shinji looks at a conveniently placed building with windows like mirrors. He sees the true form of Gerald. And Gerald looks back at him. And he screams like the pussy he is.

Back to the present time, with Shinji lying in bed. Misato opens the door, dressed in a towel. She commends him for saving Tokyo-3. "Good night, Shinji. Hang in there."

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

Next week apparently features a school bully, a squid Angel, some awesome animation, and Misato strutting her stuff. Looks like it's gonna be called "The Phone that Never Rings/A Transfer".

There we go. So concludes the maiden voyage of EVA: Rehashed with your current host. I'll sadly be back next week, with a MUSICAL episode! Well, I probably would if I wasn't as lazy as I am.

So until next time, toodles.

Recap by SSJ Heero.