Episode 05: "Rei, Beyond Her Heart / Rei I"

Part I

HELLO EVERYONE. SSJ HEERO HAS BEEN EXTREMELY BUSY PLAYING STARCRAFT AND MAGIC: ONLINE. WHEN HE WASN'T PREOCCUPIED, HE BEGAN BUILDING ME: EVAR-X2K. MY PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TO WRITE SYNOPSES FOR EVA: REHASHED. MY SECONDARY FUNCTION IS TO MAKE MILKSHAKES. I AM AFRAID SSJ HEERO IS TOO BUSY TO WRITE THE RECAP AT THIS TIME, SO HE HAS PROGRAMMED ME TO COMPLETE THIS TASK UNTIL HE IS READY. PLEASE, EXCUSE ME WHILE I ACTIVATE MY SSJ HEERO AI PROGRAM.

LOADING AI ... ... ... ... ... Done!

FREE RAM: 512 GB
CHECKING HARDWARE ... ... ... ... ... Done!
LOADING WINDOWS 2000 ... ... ... ... ... Done!

STARTING PROCESS

Hey fuckers, welcome to another episode of EVA: Rehashed! I am here, ready to bring on the pain as we start the long-awaited Rei episode! So to recap the last few episodes: Shinji frags two angels and makes two friends when they camp on the spawning grounds. Shinji then runs away on an angst-filled journey into the depths of madness, watching horrible movies instead of Million Dollar Baby. Meanwhile, none of the other characters, except Misato, get any decent amount of screen time.

Not any more! Here we start on the episode where Shinji finally touches boobies and finds the "hot coffee" mod for Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. So, without further ado, as that lovable video game mascot Mario would say: HEEEERE WE GO!

The episode starts in the NERV experiment facility 22 days before the start of Evangelion. We know this because we get some nifty onscreen text explaining as much. Gendo pushes up his glasses as technicians prepare for what appears to be an experiment of some sort. They activate the system, which turns out to be an Xbox 360 connected to the giant NERV screen. Talk about a waste of taxpayer money!

Seriously, though, the test is a simple activation experiment of the new Eva Unit 0. Not Gerald, but his one-eyed third cousin once removed. I'll name it... Herbie. The green gem thing on Herbie's head glows like the Xbox jewel, signifying that the power is on. Herbie approaches clearing the "Border Line", which is where Evangelions are truly operational.

Unfortunately, some faggot hacked the servers, and everything goes to hell. Something goes wrong in the "third stage", and Herbie goes berserk. Stock footage of Ritsuko and the gal tech Maya (who is never named in the series, I think) basically amounts to "omg, focking hax". Herbie breaks free from his (or her... I can't tell) restraints as Gendo commands for the power supply to be cut. But remember, Evas have a battery. They have 35 seconds before Herbie stops going mad. In the mean time, Herbie has the "destroy my creators" complex and starts punching the wall between him and Gendo.

Herbie's back pops open and the entry plug shoots out of its back like a disc in a PSP. It flies across the ceiling, getting stuck in a corner as the boosters keep it aloft. The boosters on the entry plug shut down, and it begins to plummet from the ceiling to the floor. Remember, the room can house a giant mechanical monstrosity, so that's a good 120 or so feet, maybe more. Gendo understandably screams, "REI!" Then liquefied Jell-O sprays from the wall as Herbie punches it, a symbol of the animator's frustration with the show. The symbolism in Eva is deep, man. Deep like Paris Hilton. Take that any way you wish.

Finally, the Eva shuts down and Gendo somehow descends 60 or so feet in an instant to dash at the entry plug. He grabs the handle of the opening hatch, never realizing that Evas tend to overheat from consuming so much power. He burns his hands as he struggles to open the hatch, finally reaching Rei. He asks if she's alright, and she nods. The LCL somehow makes Gendo's glasses, which dropped onto the floor, bend and crack.

Then the title card: Rei, Beyond Her Heart

Seizure-inducing flashes appear on the screen for a moment, then the shot reveals that a team is cutting through what appears to be ice for some reason or other. Ritsuko voiceovers, "Rei Ayanami, age 14..." She continues with all this superfluous crap about her being the First Child, which should already be known by everyone there. So, either people forget important information like this or she just likes being condescending to everyone. Maybe both.

We see that the cutting and drilling was for the frozen Herbie, incased in crystallized Jell-O. Misato asks if anyone knows what caused Herbie to go berserk. Ritsuko says they don't know, but think it was because Rei wasn't mentally stable. Misato finds that puzzling, because Rei seems to be the sanest person on board for the moment. Possibly because she hasn't said or done anything to prove otherwise. Blame it on Hideaki Anno.

Ritsuko hints at some other theory of hers, but since it's never explained or brought up again for the entire rest of the series, whatever. FADE OUT.

FADE IN. We're back at the mountains where Shinji owned the squid angel. A giant silly-looking outline of where Gerald landed on the side of the mountain can be seen from the sky. Cut to a nice air-conditioned facility right next to it, where Shinji, Misato, and Ritsuko are working on studying the angel. Ritsuko exclaims, "Magnificent!" because most of the angel is still intact.

Misato asks if anything new was found. Ritsuko basically says they don't know crap about the angels and are made of matter with both wave and particle properties. They also found its power source, but don't know how it operates. Ritsuko invites Misato and Shinji to look at its wave-form pattern, which is 99.89% similar to humans. No, this is never fully explained, and many crock theories about this revelation abound. Here's my theory: the angels are actually Anaheim Angels in a weird alternate universe where they took enough steroids to bulk up a small country.

Shinji notices the burns on his father's hand. Misato asks what's wrong, and Shinji weakly responds, "Nothing..." Misato calls him out and says when he says it like that, he's practically asking for them to pay it attention. So Shinji asks how his father burned his hands, and Ritsuko explains about Herbie's berserk-itude. Shinji can't believe that Gendo would actually bother saving another person.

Cut to a person diving into a pool with girls in swimsuits cheering. Rei sits off in the corner like a loner. Guys on the field stare up at the pool. Toji remarks how they all have incredible breasts. In Japan? As 14-year-olds? As 14-year-olds in Japan? Not likely.

Toji asks who Shinji's staring at, and Kensuke replies that he's ogling Rei. Oh, and Kensuke leans on Toji as he says this, and Toji leans real close to Shinji. And they're all wearing short shorts. Here's a screencap for your enjoyment:

The heterosexuality of the characters in Evangelion never been more suspect.

Note the guy on the far left side of the picture.
 

They tease Shinji about staring at her... Mammaries. Calves. And "naughty bits". I guess they want to stay PG on the dialogue instead of saying "breasts" and "vagina". Shinji starts acting serious and wondering why Rei is alone. Toji recalls that Rei never had friends. Toji mutters that she probably has a lousy personality. Can't be if she doesn't have one- BADDAM CHING! Kensuke says Shinji should know her better than them since they're both pilots.

Cut to NERV, where Rei and Shinji are in Herbie and Gerald, respectively. Shinji stares at Rei, entranced at her mammaries, calves, and naughty bits. He spots Rei talking with Gendo, amazed his father can carry on a conversation with a girl. Shinji wonders how he too can gain such skills.

Cut to Misato's apartment, where Ritsuko complains about Misato making second-hand curry. Misato says she has no right to complain. Shinji asks if Misato wants some, and she reveals her instant noodles. Misato demands, "Slop some of that stuff on top of this stuff!" Yum.

Shinji can't believe it, but Misato replies, "Come on! It's yummy to the max!" Well, I'm assured!

So he puts the curry on it, and Misato tells of her cooking tips. Then the other two try the curry. Immediately, they are horrified at the taste. Misato keeps on eating. Ritsuko asks if Misato cooked. Shinji nods. Ritsuko mutters that no one else can make instant soup taste so awful. Ritsuko takes a stab at Misato by saying that next time she's invited, Shinji should cook.

Pen-Pen, being the smart penguin that he is, observes their chat. He looks back to his bowl, full of rice and curry. Oh, and a beer can next to it.

Wait, Misato lets her pet penguin drink beer? What kind of owner is she?! God, animal cruelty laws are lax in future Japan.

Anyway, Pen-Pen takes a bite of his food. Little needs to be said except this:

lol gg
 

Pen-Pen faints and Shinji turns to the sound. Ritsuko suggests that Shinji should move out, but Shinji says he's already used to it. Misato, clearly drunk, tells Ritsuko to not underestimate the power of the human animal to adapt. She's about to continue, but notices her can of beer is empty.

So Shinji fetches another beer as boozehound Misato reminds Ritsuko that Shinji just obtained his security card. Ritsuko suddenly remembers she had forgotten to give Rei hers. Ritsuko says to Shinji with a sort of teasing voice (though not intentionally just yet) to give it to her. Shinji is caught staring at the card by Ritsuko and Misato.

Misato teases him for going through puberty. Shinji? Becoming a man? Haha, yeah right.

Shinji mutters that he's amazed at knowing nothing about such a clearly attractive girl, and wonders how he can possibly talk to her without sounding like a pathetic idiot. It's simple Shinji, just breathe, act suave, and be confident... Okay, I see why you have a problem; you have nothing to be confident about. Ritsuko mutters that Rei, like Gendo, is not very adept at living.

How poetic. And with that, we reach the halfway point of the epis- o3081de0823. I02a686...

ERROR!

WINDOWS HAS ENCOUNTERED A CRITICAL ERROR. SHUTTING DOWN.
 

I AM SORRY. THERE APPEARS TO BE A CRITICAL CODING MISTAKE IN MY PROGRAMMING. I AM NOT, HOWEVER, PROGRAMMED TO CRITICIZE MY MASTER. I CANNOT WRITE THE NEXT PART UNTIL I IDENTIFY THE ERROR. I APOLOGIZE. I REQUEST THAT YOU BE PATIENT WITH MY INORGANIC BRAIN.

FROM THE DATA SSJ HEERO SAVED IN MY MEMORY, THE NEXT PART CONTAINS MAMMARIES, CALVES, NAUGHTY BITS, AND SHINJI GETTING ZERO-W-N-THREE-D BY AN ANGEL. I CANNOT COMPREHEND THIS CODE. HUMANS ARE FAR SUPERIOR TO MYSELF.

BEGIN INTERNAL ERROR SCANNING SEQUENCE.

It is now safe to turn off your computer.

Recap by EVAR-X2K: SSJ Heero AI Emulator Version 6.0.