Episode 07: "A Human Work"

Part I

Hey there kids, it's your good friend SSJ Heero.

Actually, no it isn't. It's Styles Rockman. I don't know why I lied.

Well, yet another Evangelion: Rehashed writer has kicked the bucket, although SSJ Heero at least had a substantially more impressive lifespan than Sir Richard Goodness.

Richard has not been knighted, to my knowledge at least.

Anyway, Neon Genesis Evangelion. A lot of the voices in my head have asked me "Why would you take on the task of recapping such a show, you crazy, crazy asshole?" To which I respond with Thorazine. But today, or rather, whenever Alex asked me to fill SSJ's plug suit, I respond with "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

I was first introduced to the series long ago, when I was at my friend's house one perilous day. At the time, I was at the height of my anime "obsession" — by which I mean I liked Dragon Ball Z and Gundam Wing because those were the only two on YTV (A Canadian youth network) — and he assured me that Evangelion was just like Gundam. Skeptical as I should have been, I only managed to watch half of one episode, completely in Japanese without subtitles. The mother fucker was Korean, so I have no clue why the fuck he watched them without subtitles either, but all I remember is that for 15 minutes his dog wasn't trying to hump me.

On his claim that Evangelion is like Gundam... Well, it is. In fact, it's like every other God damn anime. And I'm not even joking. That was the creator's intention, to use styles made familiar with other animes in the hopes of making his own shitty little story more widely popular. Well, it worked. Which I find surprising, because Neon Genesis Evangelion isn't even very good.

Now, that isn't to say it's bad. And it's quite dated now for American subbed anime, so it's sort of kinda good in a retro sort of way. But I'd much rather watch, say... Black Lagoon, or Gungrave. Hell, I had to watch an episode of Azumanga Daioh just to straighten my fucking mind out. I normally don't watch much anime at all, with the exception of the aforementioned AD, and Witch Hunter Robin. So Evangelion was something of a sensory overload for me. I think that might be the point of the show, though.

For all you loyal EVA: Rehashed fans out there — all three of you — I am actually watching the subbed version of Evangelion. I tried watching the dubbed version, and it made my ears bleed. What this means for YOU is that a lot of the jokes will not be lost in translation, and I'll also be able to comment on any ridiculous Engrish translations I find.

With that out of the way, let's get this mother fucker revvin'!

Now, because I'm starting about a third of the way into the series, I'll give you a quick review of the first 6 episodes:

Episode 1: Shinji's a pussy.

Episode 2: Shinji's a pussy.

Episode 3: Shinji's a pussy.

Episode 4: Shinji's a pussy fuckup.

Episode 5: Rei's pussy.

Episode 6: Shinji's a pussy.

Right then. Onto Episode 7!

This episode starts out, once again, in the Pyramid room, looking a rather perplexing shade of magenta. Ikari is talking to someone on the phone trying to amend some law. Could this be plot development? Could Ikari be working on the side of the Angels secretly? IS SOMETHING FOR SERIOUS ABOUT TO HAPPEN?!

HOLY SHIT DRAMATIC CUT TO A TOASTER!
 

Despite its simple appearances, this toaster is an accomplished actor.

You may remember it best from its part in Ghostbusters II.

I feel like I'm watching one of Quentin Tarantino's nightmares.

So Shinji is havin' breakfast when Misato bursts through the door and chugs a can of what is labeled as "Malt Beer". She then proceeds to scream and cringe, which is less pathetic when you notice that it is apparently 100% gain alcohol.

Shinji disapproves of this because he's a bitch. Misato explains that a traditional Japanese breakfast consists of rice, miso soup, and sake.

Funny, I figured it consisted of coffee filtered through used panties and hentai.

Anyway, Shinji points out that Misato's "uncouth" actions are the reason why she is still single at her age. OH SNAP! NO HE DI'INT!

As Shinji cleans up the dishes and Misato eats toast like a cat, the doorbell rings. Why, it's Shinji's old friends Nerdy Camera Guy and Punchy IchiFaggotPants (I forgot their names, so I'll have to wait until they're spoken again). Being the horny assholes they are, they do that weird unison thing and politely say goodbye to Misato. She waves them off from behind a door, and they proceed to cream their pants.

Yet another uncomfortable cut, and we see the Fifth Angel completely destroyed just sitting behind a bunch of buildings outside Shinji's school. Incidentally, Shinji is the only one to notice this. But as soon as Misato arrives, slingshotting into a mysteriously empty parking lot, the entire school rushes to the windows to look down her shirt.

"Groovy woman! Who is that?" one boy exclaims. Someone explains that she is Shinji's guardian, and I'd tell you what happens next but frankly, I'd like to keep this review as clean as possible. I will tell you that all the club soda factories left in Japan were called to action to clean the mess up.

Oh my! I just realized we've just gone five whole minutes in an episode with non-stop fluid character animation! COULD THIS BE A NEW PRECEDENCE FOR EVANGELION?!

Nope. We are now treated to an absurdly long scrolling background, with fucking SILHOUETTES of characters talking while they take an elevator to the CORE OF THE GODDAMNED EARTH. I think they're arguing about money, but at that point I took a three-hour nap and woke up halfway through the scene. How the hell it went on that long in a half-hour episode, I've got no idea.

On a plane, Ikari and some chink discuss the budgets for creating more Eva Units, despite the heavy manufacturing costs. Ikari explains that The Council sees money as no object. All the members of the UN have approved the budget for Unit 06, except for the US. Man, what a bunch of stingy assholes. They can't dish out a few hundred trillion dollars just to save a bunch of fat Japanese guys' asses? Won't someone think of the underaged girls in swimsuits that all those boys were fawning over? WHAT ABOUT THEM, HUH?! HOW COME NO ONE EVER THINKS ABOUT THE UNDERAGED GIRLS IN SWIMSUITS?!

Anyway, Ikari goes on about how, because additional pilots have not been found, production on the next units is halted.

Meanwhile, Shinji is taking his own plane ride, where he is treated to a little conspiracy theory backstory. Ritsuko and Misato explain to him that the Second Impact (which I think either references the meteor that killed the dinosaurs or that one time Michael Moore ate his own fatassed weight in burritos) was actually a COVER UP. The REAL reason the whole world is flooded was an Angel.

So let me get this straight. The whole world lives underground, scared shitless because of giant humanoid monsters. Not a day goes by that people don't wake up, thanking their own respective gods that they are still alive to masturbate over the face of a twelve year old, or pee in a sake cup. Yet, for some reason, it was necessary to cover up the attack with a pathetic story like that?

Oh wait. I get it now.

It's just not funny, is all.

Hey! I almost forget that we're treated to yet ANOTHER long-ass ride largely devoid of animation. But because it's on an escalator, that makes it all right.

Ritsuko's eyebrows are fucking huge! Damn!

Erevator, escarator... Escarator, erevator...

Anyway, Ritsuko explains that to prevent a possible "Third Impact" Nerv and the Eva units were created to combat the Angels. After the Angels have all been defeated, however, they will have to sign on jobs as stunt doubles for better written anime series.

Now, a rather perplexing thing happens at this point. Once again, we are treated to the exact same breakfast scene we saw at the beginning of the episode. Instead of making some snide remark, I'll just run you through my reaction:

"Oh God. Why the hell am I watching this? I could be watching Black Lagoon. I could be watching porn. I could be watching Maury! I... What the hell? OH MY GOD! DÉJÀ VU! SOMEONE CHANGED THE MATRIX! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

I don't remember what happened next, but I woke up strapped to my bed and my mouth tasted like numb. But I have a happy face band-aid on my butt!

Back to the giant robot cartoon, Misato enters in what I'm stubbornly going to call a suit, and she tells Shinji that she's going to work in Tokyo-3.

Enter title card: NEON GENESIS! EPISODE 7: A Human Work?

Hold on. What? What the fuck does that even mean? Is it some weird proverb, or some sort of cryptic foreshadowing? Is this a riddle I'm supposed to figure out and write in to the producers for a chance to win a free Evangelion detective badge?

TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT.

Recap by Styles Rockman.