Episode 07: "A
As we imagine ourselves returning from a commercial break
full of Japanese ads for Hello Kitty merchandise and art
books featuring schoolgirls and tentacle monsters, we find
that Ritsuko and Misato are on their way to a UN meeting.
They are discussing the eradication of the Angels, because
they have absolutely nothing else to talk about besides
Cut to the meeting and we see that all the major defense
organizations in Japan have joined in one place to drink
giant bottles of sake. It could just be a weird angle on the
bottles, but I swear they're fuckin' hoog. Also, it appears
as if they're produced by McDonalds.
The host committee has designed a new mecha weapon with an
internal power source that can run for 150 days. Ritsuko
disapproves but is shot down by the speaker, in a scene I will
now dramatically reproduce.
"I don't think this is a good idea."
"Yes it is."
"This could be problematic."
"No it couldn't."
"I really think this is an incredibly bad idea."
"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE A VAGINA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The host shoots down Nerv once again, this time bringing up the
incident in Episode 2 were Shinji fucked up. Jeez, can't anyone
give the little bitch a break?!
Out of nowhere, the host drops a major bomb. Supposedly, at
least. Now, keep in mind that I am watching the episodes within
EXTREME proximity of each other, so everything is fresh. As the
host explains that the AT-Field will soon no longer be a
problem, Misato and Ritsuko simultaneous shit their pants.
Apparently this was some big secret.
What the hell did I miss? Isn't that the reason that the Evas
exist in the first place, because of the AT-Field? Whatever,
nothing else in this show makes any damn sense, so I'll let this
At the demonstration, everything seems to be going great. But
then, as we've all come to expect, some plot device goes
The new weapon — which looks like a cross between Metal Donkey
Kong and a fan — crashes through NonDescriptJapaneseSecurity
Headquarters. As the internal reactor begins heating up,
everyone fears a meltdown. Despite the supposed gravity of the
situation, all I could think of as the 500 foot mech crashed
through the building and crushed its way through the countryside
was The Final Countdown.
Misato then pleases fans with a bit of her famous wit:
"Damn! That robot's as rude as the guy who made it!"
Haha, you said it, sister!
As everyone runs around with their thumbs up their asses trying
to figure out what is going wrong, Misato volunteers to shut the
robot down manually. PRETTY BALLSY THERE MISATO!
As she suits up to deal with the heavy radiation inside the
weapon, she asks the creator what the password to access the
show gets better after this."
Hope? That's it? Are you fucking kidding me? Christ, I
thought of better passwords for my AIM account when I was ten!
And this is a giant walking nuke! For fuck's sake! And you're
wondering why this operation is failing?
Shinji and Misato prepare to stop the weapon in a weird jet, and
as Misato explains her plan of riding Eva until she can get
inside the weapon, Shinji's balls retreat once again into his
I hate that little bitch.
Anyway, once inside, Misato attempts to disable the program, but
encounters an error. The timer continues to countdown to
meltdown, and Shinji desperately tries to plug springing steam
leaks. Misato tries to manually push the cooling rods in while
Shinji screams something else like the little prissy boy he is,
when suddenly deus ex machina saves the day! Hooray!
However, Misato comes to some arbitrary conclusion that this was
not her doing, but rather someone else's.
Ritsuko reports to Ikari, who is hard at work looking as
sinister as possible, and reports that "except for the acts of
Captain Katsuragi, everything went according to the script" and
that there is no danger of radiation to the Eva.
So it was Nerv who sabotaged the weapon! But wait, that doesn't
make any sense either, since the group that made it was informed
of how to defeat the Angels by Nerv anyway. Anyway, as I was
contemplating this fucking circular logic, I was once again hit
in the face with my worst nightmare.
seen this before!
N-No... No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Some time later, Shinji is off to school once again, complaining
to Geeky Video Pervert and Kick-i Fisticuff-aru about how
uncouth Misato is. His friends are envious, tell him how jealous
they are that Shinji sees the "real" Misato, and explain how
she's like family to him.
Shinji's eyes light up at the thought of a family, and I feel a
strange tingling sensation in my heart. You know, I think this
shriveled, black little organ of mine might finally be warming—
SON OF A BITCH!
Well, that's Episode 7. What a... different experience that was.
Just as a side note, I'd like to point out that in the Japanese
version, Shinji is voiced by a woman.
Hands up if you're surprised!
Recap by Styles Rockman.