Episode 08: "Asuka
Welcome back, kids! Did you enjoy your break? I def–
SIT THE FUCK DOWN! Let's get back down to business.
If you'll recall, the battle ships were under siege by some
mysterious attacker. Several ships are sinking, yet no one
can see who is doing all the damage. Misato pops in and
states that it must be an Angel. Why? Just because, all
Captain BoyLove tries to launch a series of counter attacks
against it, but of course these are all deflected by the
AT-Field. Asuka and Shinji (or, at least Asuka) are taking
proactive measures, however. Asuka drags Shinji into a
hallway, where she suits up and prepares to enter her Eva
Unit. Of course, she isn't going alone, so she hands Shinji
one of her extra plug suits and demands that he put it on.
"I see you!"
They enter the cockpit of Eva, and Asuka tries to get it
running. For whatever reason, she starts it up in German,
however error screens begin popping up like the damn thing was
running Windows ME. Apparently this is Shinji's fault for
"thinking in Japanese."
This is an interesting bit of character development we were not
familiar with before now. Don't bother going back to the first
part to see if I mentioned it, because I didn't. We were just
slapped in the face with the fact that Asuka is German. Well,
how about that.
By the way, I'd just like to say that Asuka's voice actress
trying to speak German is the cutest thing ever. It's like
watching a two-legged puppy trying to chase a cat in a ball pit.
Elsewhere, Kaji calls his boss, who tells him that he should get
the fuck out of there. Kaji is quick to agree with him.
After resorting to starting the unit in Japanese, Asuka launches
Eva. Everyone suddenly stops worrying about the invisible enemy
that is sinking their ships at an alarming rate, and tries to
stop Eva from launching. Misato, of course, just sits back with
a really annoying "Told ya so" look on her face that makes me
want to take a leak in her open mouth.
Captain ChildRape and Misato argue over the microphone about
Eva, but it doesn't do any good as Asuka ignores them and
prepares to fight the Angel. We learn, through the first mate's
conveniently-timed observation, that Eva Unit 02 is still in its
B-Equipment. Whatever the hell this means, apparently it's not
Asuka jumps around, arguably causing more damage than the Angel
has up to this point, trying to get to the main ship so the Eva
Unit can plug itself in. It's actually quite funny watching the
Eva jump around, completely destroying all the ships in a less
than valiant effort to save them, but I digress.
Finally, Eva lands on Misato's ship, and Asuka is able to plug
herself in. She and Shinji don't hang around for long, however,
as the Angel comes up from behind and pulls them underwater.
Misato is now worried, warning Asuka that Eva is not designed
for underwater combat in B-Equipment.
Question: Why was it in B-Equipment to begin with if it can't
get wet? For Christ's sake they're at fucking sea!
The Angel, apparently having realized the immense stupidity of
its adversaries, pulls Asuka and Shinji to the bottom of the
ocean as the Eva's power cord quickly runs out of slack. When
the power cord finally does run out, Kaji pops up on deck in a
mig and announces that he's getting the fuck out.
Oh, Kaji-senpai... If only I could join you...
Asuka tries to engage the Angel underwater, but discovers that
it fails with B-Equipment. Naturally, she blames Shinji for
this. Hell, who wouldn't? As they sit there immobilized and wide
open for attack, the Angel swims up and grabs Eva in its mouth.
Oh, by the way, this Angel has a mouth.
Om nom nom nom.
Topside, Misato suddenly gets a ballsy idea: Asuka and Shinji
will open the Angel's mouth, and they'll sink two battleships
into the Angel to self destruct, hopefully destroying the Angel.
Wait, wait. I thought they were trying to protect the fucking
battleships... Is anyone else totally lost, here?
The two remaining battleships are abandoned as everyone makes
preparations to sink them. This process doesn't take nearly as
long as you would think. Back in the Eva, Shinji has taken
control and tries to open the Angel's mouth while Bitchy
Sauerkraut does what she does best and bitches incessantly.
As they reel in the Eva unit by its power cord, Asuka and Shinji
try as hard as they can to open the Angel's mouth. However, they
are running out of time. THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!
THERE IS NO TIME LEFT!
Things are all super tense, time still running out, whatever. In
typical Evangelion fashion, the boats sink into the Angel's
mouth and self-destruct at the last possible second.
Congratulations are had by all, and Shinji's friends laugh at
the fact that he's in a girl's plug suit. Shinji ignores their
taunting, and thinks to himself how nice it is to finally wear
something that conforms to his girlish figure and cradles his
sensitive young breasts.
We end up back in the Pyramid room yet again, and discover that Kaji has been Ikari's informant all along! Or has he? I don't
know, but I'm just going to roll with that assumption. The
schemey bastards have stumbled across some weird fossil that
they say is the first human ever, and the key to human survival.
In school, Shinji, the camera geek, and Kawasaki YakuzaFist talk
about how much they disliked Asuka. Suddenly, she surprises the
fuck out of them by bursting in through the door and introducing
herself as a new
main character student. And that final
revelation of horror brings this episode to a close.
Will Ikari use his newfound bone for justice? Will Punchymoto
Ichiban score with Asuka? Will I reveal how I know what Senpai
means? STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT EPISODE OF...
Recap by Styles Rockman.