Episode 09: "Both
of You, Dance Like You Want to Win!"
What time is it? It's Howdy Doody Time!
HOORAY! HOWDY MOTHER FUCKIN' DOODY TIME!
Actually, I lied. It's time for yet another episode of
Evangelion: Rehashed. Since I've already written more of
these reviews than Sir Richard Goodness, I figure it's about
time to start gunning for SSJ Heero's record. And what
better way to begin pursuit of that goal than with the third
published review. Here's to the third review milestone!
HOORAY! THIRD REVIEW MOTHER FUCKIN' MILE MOTHER FUCKIN'
I swear, though, this review series has got some serious
Family Feud-esque curse on it... Although, I would totally
love to be Richard Dawson...
Anyhoo, let's get this mother fucker revvin'!
Once again, the intro has given me false hopes to the
excellence I should, at this point, not be expecting to
unfold. However, this episode has proven to be one of my
favorites thus far, so perhaps the show will get better.
Wishful thinking: The reason Rome fell.
We begin with a series of freeze-framed "snapshots" of Asuka,
presumably so the already lazy animators would have to do
even less animation while still allowing unknowable numbers
of males to fawn over her luscious Germanness, unaware she
is quite the sour Kraut.
In any case, we ARE treated to a few shots of a number of
girls in bloomers, just sitting with their milky legs
totally unobstructed by cloth, beckoning me with their
supple, gentle skin...
Sorry, forgot where I was going with that. Anyway the next
series of shots is in the girls' locker room.
Uh... Excuse me for a few minutes, something just came up...
puppies, and euphemisms, oh my!
Right. Where was I? Oh yes, locker room. Asuka turns out to
be a prude even when surrounded by only ladies, as she does
not disrobe, instead merely standing around with that smug
look on her face.
Fortunately for the writers, this debunks my theory of Asuka
being a lesbian. Unfortunately for fanfic writers, it may
mean that she's an asexual. Not as if that would stop any of
The uncomfortably long sequence finally ends with Asuka
opening her locker to a barrage of love letters, which she
promptly steps on, simultaneously crushing the hearts of
every male in the school. Why? Because she is THAT BADASS!
While Shinj is just walking around looking totally
oblivious as always, Asuka comes up behind him and shouts
some totally adorable Engrish and German-u. Shinji tries to
reply back in German, but fails like a monkey with Down
syndrome trying to perform open-heart surgery on a
four-year-old with a fire axe.
Hmm... I think I'm going to take another break... Something
ELSE just came up...
Okay, back. Anyway, Captainess Obvious points out that
Shinji looks gloomy even in the morning, and notes that he
should feel happier just to be graced by her presence.
Somehow, I don't think that's going to work... The real
reason Asuka is bugging Shinji, it turns out, is to meet Rei,
who is reading by herself on a bench. Also, for whatever
reason, there's an escalator in the middle of the fucking
I've seen these before!
Do the Japanese have something violently against stairs? I
mean, for Christ's sake, how the fuck do they live to be 130
if they never use their legs for anything?
As Asuka hovers over her shoulder, Rei casually moves over
on the bench to avoid the shadow of her large and largely
empty head. After finally getting Rei's attention, Asuka
introduces herself (and Rei, for some weird reason), and
tries to befriend her. She is shot down hard, and Asuka
calls Rei strange. Shinji, that moron with the camera and
Honda Punchy-kun watch Asuka's failure from above, and
Punchy-kun comments that they do only pick the eccentric
ones to pilot the Eva units.
in this show actually has some common sense.
What an unanticipated turn of events: The writers finally
admit their own faults to the audience.
Elsewhere, Ritsuko is writing her report on the last Angel
when Kaji jumps her from behind and begins to
with her. Ritsuko responds vaguely flirtatiously, but notes
that Misato is watching them with her face pressed up
against the glass, snorting like a bull in heat. A female
bull, whatever those are called. Let's call them "bullesses".
[You're a fucking idiot, dude. - Alex]
Misato comes in to ask Kaji why he's still around, and he
informs her that he has been transferred to Nerv
headquarters, meaning he'll be around lots more. Just as
Kaji asks her out, however, another Angel is sighted
somewhere off in the country side. Whew. Close call there,
Because the intercept system in Tokyo-3 was heavily damaged
in the battle with the flying dreidel Angel, Shinji and
Asuka are moved out to take the Angel out before it reaches
the city limits.
Asuka quickly asserts herself, and slices the Angel in half,
declaring victory. However, instead of exploding or
twitching then falling over as one would expect of a
defeated enemy in an anime it merely splits into two equal
At the debriefing, we are treated to yet another series of
snapshots, this time of both Eva units sticking comically
out of the ground feet first in defeat. Asuka and Shinji
argue over whose fault the defeat was like a married couple
from the south.
In an attempt to destroy the Angel without the Evas, Nerv
unceremoniously drops a nuke on it. Actually, it's not
really a nuclear bomb, but an "Nē mine", which is basically
like a regular nuke except it sounds futuristicy. Amidst the
chaos, a member of the Nerv council responds disjointedly by
simply stating that they'll have to re-draw the map. Never
mind the millions of people who probably died, and the
irreversible damage to the region's ecosystem. But hell, I
guess the Japanese are probably used to getting nuked by
While the nuke did slow the Angel down, it somehow failed to
destroy it, meaning it's only a matter of time before the
Angel strikes again six days, to be precise. Kaji,
however, has formed a plan to take it out once and for all
using data collected via Deus Ex Machina. When he reveals
that the plot involves Shinji and Asuka cooperating, both of
them state in perfect unison that they could never cooperate
with each other. It's adorable.
Elsewhere, Misato is behind her desk with hundreds of
complaint letters, and Ritsuko comes by to cheer her up by
letting her know that if the Sub-Commander gets humiliated
again she'll be transferred.
She also delivers some weird disk-type thing that is
supposed to save Misato's ass. It's not explained what it
is, but Misato nearly pisses her pants and excitedly thanks
Ritsuko. However, the disk is not from Ritsuko, it's from
Kaji. This confuses Misato, who proceeds to look at the disk
lovingly and fondle it inappropriately.
Cut to Misato and Shinji's home, where Shinji is surprised
by a huge number of boxes in his room. He cries out in
poorly-acted surprise, and Asuka yells at him off screen
that it's her stuff. The two of them question each other on
their presence in Misato's apartment before she comes around
and drops a bomb on them:
They are to live together, in the same house, for six days.
WITHOUT ELECTRICITY OR ALCOHOL, AND COMPETE WITH EACH OTHER
TO SEE WHO CAN STAY LONG ENOUGH TO WIN THE GRAND PRIZE OF
ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Actually, I lied about that part.
But OMFG! WHAT AN UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS! What will
happen next time!? Well, you'll just have to wait to find
out. So don't touch that dial or I'll touch your little
Recap by Styles Rockman.