Episode 09: "Both of You, Dance Like You Want to Win!"

Part II

Welcome back, friends! I forgot to mention in the last part of this review that I just got myself a new pair of sunglasses, so I am currently writing this entire review with them on. If I miss a letter and go on typing complete nonsense, that's the reason. But I doubt that wil; js[[rm yo ,r/

Also, I just found a candy cane behind my desk because I accidentally knocked the sunglass case onto the floor! Hooray for six-month-old Christmas candy!

Anyway, we left off last time with Shinji and Asuka being told they are to live together until they synchronize, which is the only way to defeat the Angel. How they gathered this information, I have no clue. I've stopped asking questions at this point.

Fortunately, the attack pattern has been harmonized with music, so they'll be able to DANCE DANCE DANCE into the new millennium.

Shinji's friends Voyeur Asshole and Boxer Samurai-san come to visit him and meet the class representative of their class, all of whom are unknowingly going to the same apartment to see Shinji and Asuka. All three ring the doorbell, and Shinji and Asuka open the door dressed the same. Unfortunately for Shinji's sexuality, he once again got "the short end of the stick", as it were.

I'm pretty sure that's NOT what most Japanese people do.

After a quick cut, Misato explains to the three visitors what the plan is, and Boxer foolishly asks if the unison training is going well. This of course prompts all of them to look over their shoulders to see them fail hard. Everyone except for Rei that is, who is focusing very intently on what I can only assume is a raunchy hentai manga.

The unison training seems to be some weird Twister-like sensor pad, and when one fails the scoreboard reads error. After Asuka fails, she loudly proclaims that she can't dumb herself down to Shinji's level.

Asuka is getting to be extremely irritating right about now.

After Misato pokes her, Asuka says she won't quit because there's no one else to complete this mission (it apparently requires two people who are both gigantic tools, you see). Misato then tells Rei to give it a try, and the two of them work in perfect unison.

HMM... COULD THIS BE SOME PLOT DEVELOPMENT BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM?! ARE WE FINALLY GOING TO SEE SOME ROMANCE?!

Nope. Asuka storms off before hardcore sex can ensue, and that bitch of a class rep demands that Shinji follow her. Where she gets off, I have no idea, but the way she tries desperately to sound intimidating while growling "IKARI-KUN" is too cute for me to hate her. It's like a newborn kitten hissing at a Great Dane. Or rather, a Doberman with its penis cut off.

FISTS OF FURRY! Er, fury. FURY!

Shinji finds Asuka sulking in a convenience store with her head in the fridge. I initially thought she was trying to kill herself, but I knew that my shitty luck would forbid that. She quickly succumbs to Shinji's dumbfounded obliviousness, and they magically teleport to a rooftop during sunset. Whatever works for you, animation staff.

Asuka tries to rev Shinji up by declaring that they must be victorious over Rei and Misato, who apparently are now the REAL enemy because everyone has forgotten about the Angel which arrives in less than a week and can't be destroyed unless it is struck with two ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY SYNCHRONIZED HITS to its only weak spot.

But hey! Who's keeping track of that sort of thing when there are delightful sitcom-y antics to enjoy.

Have I mentioned that Asuka's voice actor really annoys me? No? Then I think I will. It's like having a fat, hairy Hawaiian chief fuck my ear with a pineapple condom.

I seriously doubt that.

So hey! Who's ready for a montage?! I'M FUCKIN' READY FOR A MONTAGE!

In this generic and uninspiring montage that would make Sylvester Stallone and Burgess Meredith weep, Shinji and Asuka "train" — that's what we're going to call it, because then I can make puns like train wreck — hard on their DDR dance pad, brush their teeth, fight over the remote control, and hang their underwear to dry beside one another's.

On the final day, it seems like they finally have it. Which means it's time for battle.

Actually, it isn't. What it IS time for is a shot of Asuka wrapped only in a towel and her luscious, flowing red hair after a shower. Asuka questions Shinji as to where Misato is, and he tells her that she's working late. Asuka then gives Shinji the peace sign and says how great it is that they're alone tonight in a suggestive tone. Just when Shinji thinks he has a chance, however, she slams the door to her room and says that it is the "Indestructible wall of Jericho". Not sure what that's supposed to mean, but at least we get to look down her shirt!

"Oh, don't worry baby, you've already slain me."

Shinji has once again brought out that walkman we haven't seen since the third episode — which is the same episode he also lost any shred of originality he had to his character before he got completely changed. As he's listening to it in bed, Asuka rips open his door, and he pretends to be asleep. It's never explained what exactly is happening here, but she plops down right beside Shinji in his own bed, and he freezes up like a little bitch. Then a few drops of testosterone finally kick in and he moves in to kiss her, brow sweaty and shorts tented.

"Oh yeah baby, you know just how to get me hot!"

Of course, he fails like the bitch he is, and instead of waking her up to get her out of his bed, he goes off to sleep in the corner.

Bitch lucky she don't get slapped.

Elsewhere, Kaji makes out with Misato in an elevator. Well, at least the elevator sequences are getting more exciting.

Ritsuko and Misato meet by a window overlooking Tokyo-3 and what I'll assume is a light train and not a UFO. Without much prodding from Ritsuko, Misato vehemently denies her love for Kaji like a twelve year old girl. It's almost an interesting bit of characterization except it isn't interesting and I hate all these characters.

Well, it's finally time for the final battle! And rather than comment on the entire thing — which, truthfully, is not much longer than my forthcoming snide remark — I'll just say that it's short and disappointing. I sat through nearly twenty minutes of absolute garbage to watch a one-and-a-half-minute scene set to some actually not-too-indecent classical music where some small explosions happen.

Hip hip hooray!

Despite their valiant efforts, the Russian judge still only gave them a 6.0.

After the conclusion of the incredibly fruity battle, Shinji climbs out of the wreckage that is his Eva unit after both Evas land in the crater that used to be the Angel. As soon as he does so, his phone rings. He answers it, Asuka once again chews him out for messing up her plans, and they argue until the end credits.

Well, I've got to hand it to the writers. They're nothing if not consistent.

Anyway, that's episode nine. I haven't even seen episode ten yet, but I predict more sexual tension between Kaji and Misato, pre-sexual tension between Asuka and Shinji, and a hell of a lot of plot holes! Until then, PLEASE SOMEONE RESCUE ME! ALEX IS HOLDING ME HOSTAGE IN HIS BASEMENT! SOS! MAYDAY! MAYD

Recap by Styles Rockman.