Episode 09: "Both
of You, Dance Like You Want to Win!"
Welcome back, friends! I forgot to mention in the last part
of this review that I just got myself a new pair of
sunglasses, so I am currently writing this entire review
with them on. If I miss a letter and go on typing complete
nonsense, that's the reason. But I doubt that wil; js[[rm yo
Also, I just found a candy cane behind my desk because I
accidentally knocked the sunglass case onto the floor!
Hooray for six-month-old Christmas candy!
Anyway, we left off last time with Shinji and Asuka being
told they are to live together until they synchronize, which
is the only way to defeat the Angel. How they gathered this
information, I have no clue. I've stopped asking questions
at this point.
Fortunately, the attack pattern has been harmonized with
music, so they'll be able to DANCE DANCE DANCE into the new
Shinji's friends Voyeur Asshole and Boxer Samurai-san come
to visit him and meet the class representative of their
class, all of whom are unknowingly going to the same
apartment to see Shinji and Asuka. All three ring the
doorbell, and Shinji and Asuka open the door dressed the
same. Unfortunately for Shinji's sexuality, he once again
got "the short end of the stick", as it were.
I'm pretty sure
that's NOT what most Japanese people do.
After a quick cut, Misato explains to the three visitors what
the plan is, and Boxer foolishly asks if the unison training is
going well. This of course prompts all of them to look over
their shoulders to see them fail hard. Everyone except for Rei
that is, who is focusing very intently on what I can only assume
is a raunchy hentai manga.
The unison training seems to be some weird Twister-like sensor
pad, and when one fails the scoreboard reads error. After Asuka
fails, she loudly proclaims that she can't dumb herself down to
Asuka is getting to be extremely irritating right about now.
After Misato pokes her, Asuka says she won't quit because
there's no one else to complete this mission (it apparently
requires two people who are both gigantic tools, you see).
Misato then tells Rei to give it a try, and the two of them work
in perfect unison.
HMM... COULD THIS BE SOME PLOT DEVELOPMENT BETWEEN THE TWO OF
THEM?! ARE WE FINALLY GOING TO SEE SOME ROMANCE?!
Nope. Asuka storms off before hardcore sex can ensue, and that
bitch of a class rep demands that Shinji follow her. Where she
gets off, I have no idea, but the way she tries desperately to
sound intimidating while growling "IKARI-KUN" is too cute for me
to hate her. It's like a newborn kitten hissing at a Great Dane.
Or rather, a Doberman with its penis cut off.
FISTS OF FURRY!
Er, fury. FURY!
Shinji finds Asuka sulking in a convenience store with her head
in the fridge. I initially thought she was trying to kill
herself, but I knew that my shitty luck would forbid that. She
quickly succumbs to Shinji's dumbfounded obliviousness, and they
magically teleport to a rooftop during sunset. Whatever works
for you, animation staff.
Asuka tries to rev Shinji up by declaring that they must be
victorious over Rei and Misato, who apparently are now the REAL
enemy because everyone has forgotten about the Angel which
arrives in less than a week and can't be destroyed unless it is
struck with two ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY SYNCHRONIZED HITS to its
only weak spot.
But hey! Who's keeping track of that sort of thing when there
are delightful sitcom-y antics to enjoy.
Have I mentioned that Asuka's voice actor really annoys me? No?
Then I think I will. It's like having a fat, hairy Hawaiian
chief fuck my ear with a pineapple condom.
So hey! Who's ready for a montage?! I'M FUCKIN' READY FOR A
In this generic and uninspiring montage that would make
Sylvester Stallone and Burgess Meredith weep, Shinji and Asuka
"train" — that's what we're going to call it, because then I can
make puns like train wreck — hard on their DDR dance pad,
brush their teeth, fight over the remote control, and hang their
underwear to dry beside one another's.
On the final day, it seems like they finally have it. Which
means it's time for battle.
Actually, it isn't. What it IS time for is a shot of Asuka
wrapped only in a towel and her luscious, flowing red hair after
a shower. Asuka questions Shinji as to where Misato is, and he
tells her that she's working late. Asuka then gives Shinji the
peace sign and says how great it is that they're alone tonight
in a suggestive tone. Just when Shinji thinks he has a chance,
however, she slams the door to her room and says that it is the
"Indestructible wall of Jericho". Not sure what that's supposed
to mean, but at least we get to look down her shirt!
worry baby, you've already slain me."
Shinji has once again brought out that walkman we haven't seen
since the third episode — which is the same episode he also lost
any shred of originality he had to his character before he got
completely changed. As he's listening to it in bed, Asuka rips
open his door, and he pretends to be asleep. It's never
explained what exactly is happening here, but she plops down
right beside Shinji in his own bed, and he freezes up like a
little bitch. Then a few drops of testosterone finally
kick in and he moves in to kiss her, brow sweaty and shorts
"Oh yeah baby,
you know just how to get me hot!"
Of course, he fails like the bitch he is, and instead of waking
her up to get her out of his bed, he goes off to sleep in the
Bitch lucky she don't get slapped.
Elsewhere, Kaji makes out with Misato in an elevator. Well, at
least the elevator sequences are getting more exciting.
Ritsuko and Misato meet by a window overlooking Tokyo-3 and what
I'll assume is a light train and not a UFO. Without much
prodding from Ritsuko, Misato vehemently denies her love for
Kaji like a twelve year old girl. It's almost an interesting bit
of characterization except it isn't interesting and I hate all
Well, it's finally time for the final battle! And rather than
comment on the entire thing — which, truthfully, is not much
longer than my forthcoming snide remark — I'll just say that
it's short and disappointing. I sat through nearly twenty
minutes of absolute garbage to watch a one-and-a-half-minute
scene set to some actually not-too-indecent classical music
where some small explosions happen.
Hip hip hooray!
valiant efforts, the Russian judge still only gave them a 6.0.
After the conclusion of the incredibly fruity battle, Shinji
climbs out of the wreckage that is his Eva unit after both Evas
land in the crater that used to be the Angel. As soon as he does
so, his phone rings. He answers it, Asuka once again chews him
out for messing up her plans, and they argue until the end
Well, I've got to hand it to the writers. They're nothing if not
Anyway, that's episode nine. I haven't even seen episode ten
yet, but I predict more sexual tension between Kaji and Misato,
pre-sexual tension between Asuka and Shinji, and a hell of a lot
of plot holes! Until then, PLEASE SOMEONE RESCUE ME! ALEX IS
HOLDING ME HOSTAGE IN HIS BASEMENT! SOS! MAYDAY! MAYD
Recap by Styles Rockman.