Episode 10: "Magmadiver"

Part I

Well kids, it's Styles Rockman back again for yet another gripping episode recap of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Now, watching Evangelion is hard enough on the soul, but watching it critically has given me lots to think about. Namely, how the fuck did this show get so popular? It's basically "girlfriend's first anime". To those anime nerds who are lucky enough to find a real (not Realdoll) girl, this is the first show they put them on to ease them into the genre. It's fuckin' Gundam for girls!

I should also note that I just bought and re-watched John Woo's Hard Boiled, so while writing this recap I am ALSO having a shootout with about 94 Chinese people.

Let's get this mother fucker revvin'!

Episode ten is one of the more boring episodes, but if there is anything good to say about it, at least Shinji's back to his boring, emotionless self.

We start off with Kaji barely surviving the torture of taking Asuka shopping, as she tries to woo him over by dragging him into the swimsuit department. As she pulls out a not-particularly-revealing bikini, Kaji looks at her uncomfortably and asks if it's too much for a high school student.

What the hell is this? A Japanese man who's NOT a fucking pedophile? Clearly this show is loaded with inaccuracies.

At lunch, Asuka explains to Kaji that the suit is for her class trip, which is a big deal in Japan for those uncultured fucks out there reading this. Asuka asks Kaji what his class trip was like, but he never went on one because of the Second Impact. You know, just in case you forgot about it. Because we're reminded every damn episode about that Second Impact shit. It's like some kind of bizarre running gag.

Of course, this being the show that it is, something is bound to go wrong. At home, Misato tells Asuka and Shinji that they can't go on their school trip because an Angel might attack and they need to be ready.

OH SNAP!

"Oh my GOD! I'M IN A HORRIBLE FUCKING SHOW!"

Asuka explodes on Misato, who calmly dismisses her. She then turns her guns on Shinji, insulting his manhood. He also attempts to brush her off, albeit in the pussiest way possible, as if to prove her right. If the writers were trying to be funny, they should have just had him break down and start crying like a little girl. Maybe they're saving that for a future episode.

As a side note, I'd like to note that Asuka's chin in this scene is fuckin' huge. I mean damn! Jay Leno ain't got shit on this girl!

Look at it! It's like Mount Rushmore!

As Misato consoles the two—or at least Asuka—on being left behind, we are forced to sit and watch Pen-Pen shake off for about half the fucking episode. Oh well, at least it's not an escalator. Of course, Asuka won't shut up. She quips that Nerv only waits for attacks to happen, they never attack first. Misato looks troubled as she replies that if they would if they could. I'm not sure exactly what is being said, because half the screen is taken up by Japan's largest can of beer.

"MONORIFFU!"

Misato tells Shinji and Asuka that this is a good opportunity for them to study and bring their marks up, which are being kept on some weird floppy disc thing. Asuka just shrugs it off, and says she isn't interested in an "old fashioned demerit system". Misato tells her that she should try and get used to the system while she's here, but Asuka says no way in the most annoying voice possible.

Another side note, the particular words she uses for her no way are also synonyms for sexual climax. So hearing her scream "ITE!" got me really hot. Like really, REALLY hot.

Well, the rest of the class is off and as the plane takes flight, the class representative, that douche with the camera, and Smash Toyotashi all say their goodbyes like the complete jerks that they are.

"Haha! Sorry you can't come with us because you are government slaves! We'll bring you back souvenirs! Can't guarantee they won't just be Macadamia nuts!"

Assholes.

Shinji and Asuka stand and watch the plane's trail shoot across the sky. This scene was very reminiscent of the first Final Destination, which brought forth feelings of hope and joy for me.

At Nerv headquarters, everyone basically fucks around which would concern me greatly if I were a character in this show. This is civilization's last hope against total eradication, and the heads of defense are reading porn and air guitaring.

At school, Shinji, Asuka, and Rei are at the pool relaxing as much as possible. Rei does laps by herself, Shinji studies, and Asuka practices being a disruptive bitch. She flaunts her body shamelessly to Shinji, which is very curious as just a few episodes before she slapped him because the wind blew her dress up. But sure, let's run with this.

Shinji is having trouble with a few science problems, and Asuka solves them without straining a single brain cell. She explains that she already graduated college, and the only reason she did so poorly was because she still can't read all the Kanji. You know what? Neither can most Japanese. The last question that she helps him with is on Thermal Expansion, which is the idea that heat makes things expand and cold makes them shrink. And while Asuka tries to flirt with Shinji by asking him if the warm water would make her boobs bigger, Shinji obviously had just taken a very, very cold shower and just dismisses her question.
 

Jesus could only walk on water; these kids solve quantum physics equations on it.

Asuka storms off, and Shinji checks out her sweet, sweet ass as if he'd actually know what the hell to do with it. Just then, Rei finishes her laps, and dries herself off. Shinji looks at Rei more longingly. I assume this is supposed to be some sort of dramatic thing where he can't decide between the two girls, but Shinji's such a little pussy I can't imagine him getting either one, so any sense of drama is lost on me.

But oh shit, it turns out that Asuka isn't finished yet! That girl has one last trick up her sleeve to win Shinji over:

"Bakku-rorra enturee!"

A solid entry! 9.7!

At Nerv headquarters, the high mucky-mucks stand on a giant ruler and look at images of a volcano, which is a potential birthplace for another Angel. They send an unmanned craft down to investigate, and just before the entire thing implodes, they capture images of an unhatched Angel.

Wait, Angels lay eggs? How the fuck did all that Evangelion porn work out then?

Uh... I mean...

Anyway, this Angel is a serious badass. It's not even hatched yet, and it's over 1,200 whatever units below the surface in a fuckin' VOLCANO.

Ikari and the council are informed of the Angel, and they debate whether or not to attack. One member shouts that they are all fools for not remembering the Second Impact. However, Ikari explains that the risks are worth getting a living sample of an Angel.

Ritsuko explains the operation to the three Eva pilots, and Asuka volunteers enthusiastically to pilot her Eva to capture the unborn Angel. Someone wants to climb that corporate ladder! Asuka suits up, and although she's told it's an anti-heat plug suit, she doesn't notice any difference. Ritsuko tells her to press the switch on her right cuff to go into anti-heat mode.

Someone's wet dream.

Now suited (and fatted) up, Asuka is ready to dive into a volcano. Complaining all the while, Asuka finally gets into her Eva unit and prepares to capture the Angel.

WILL THE OPERATION SUCCEED? WILL ASUKA SUCCUMB TO THE HELLISH FLAMES OF THE VOLCANO? DOES THE EPISODE TITLE "MAGMA DIVER" SOUND TOTALLY JAMES BOND-ISH? WILL THIS ERECTION I HAVE EVER GO DOWN?

Find out on the next exciting episode of whatever the fuck this thing was called again. I've seriously forgotten.

Recap by Styles Rockman.