Episode 11: "The
Day Tokyo-3 Stood Still"
Hey there everybody! It's time once again to delve into the
miasmic pit of darkness that is Yoshiyuki Sadamoto's
brainchild: Neon Genesis Evangelion. I liken the experience
to being eaten by a Sarlacc, which I guess is a reference
about three people will get. If you're one of those people,
go wipe the Cheetos dust off your face, you fat nerd.
This episode is a particularly special one, at least to me,
because this is the first full episode I'll be recapping as
the longest surviving member of the Evangelion: Rehashed
writing staff. The bodies of SSJ Heero and Richard Goodness
have yet to be found, but I'm sure that when they are there
will be nothing suspicious about them!
Now let's get this mother fucker revvin'!
We begin, as we often do, with dramatic and poorly-directed
still shots of the area and inanimate objects — this time of
a ghetto and a vending machine — which is like a cliché
within a cliché. A young girl runs past holding a card in
her hand, shouting "I hit it! I hit it!" as some guy stands
up, presumably from staring up her skirt. Who this guy is, I
have no idea. But he's got a guitar, long hair and looks
like a douche, so we'll just call him "Tom Petty".
So, Tom Petty is relaxing with a nice can of brown-flavored
soda (or something), outside of a laundromat where Ritsuko
and some other woman from Nerv — we'll call her "Daiku
Butch-chan" — are collecting their things. Tom Petty cuts in
on their conversation about how expensive it is to clean,
and tells them to get back in the kitchen where they belong.
This was of course lost in translation, but you get the gist
of it from his tone of voice.
Quick cut to a... subway station?
Yeah, apparently the world's top leading scientists, who are
employed by Japan's strongest defense force with impossibly
infinite funding take a grungy subway to work. Not even just
a few of them, but the Sub-Commander as well.
Ritsuko informs the Sub-Commander of an experiment she has
planned with Eva Unit 00 which will greatly improve activation
time. Seems simple enough, perhaps just a simple training
exercise with the crew. What could possibly go wrong?
The experiment goes predictably ass-end up, and Ritsuko is
forced to stop it. She tries again, but unfortunately this time
the experiment results in a title card. Looks like this
twenty-three-minute block of pain is called "In the Still Dark".
More like, "In the Still Suck"!
We amble over to Misato who is in an elevator, and Kaji is
rushing to catch it. Slyly, Misato hits the elevator door close
button, but Kaji barely manages to get his hand in the door.
This is like a scene ripped straight from Terminator 2 if it
were directed by Peter Jackson on valium. In fact, this whole
episode up to this point has been so incredibly slow, I'm
failing to believe it has been ONLY FOUR GODDAMNED MINUTES SINCE
I STARTED WATCHING IT.
Just when you thought that things couldn't possibly get any
slower (This IS an anime about giant fucking mechs, isn't it?)
we are treated to a twenty-second shot of a telephone. I'm
serious. We stare at this fucking phone for 16.5 seconds while
crickets chirp in the background. And then, like, another
fucking minute of Shinji awkwardly trying to tell his dad about
Parent-Teacher interviews. Of course, he gets shot down because
he's a quivering pussy and Commander Ikari is an asshole.
Lucky for us, something FINALLY happens. And it's... a blackout?
Yeah, that's what I said. Inside the now blackened elevator,
Misato and Kaji figure Ritsuko fucked up. Ritsuko, what do you
have to say for yourself?
it dealt it.
Some guy screams that the auxiliary power circuit isn't working
either. Based on the tone and volume of his voice, I assume he
makes this announcement while getting a colonoscopy from a fist
wrapped in barbed wire.
Our three wonder children walk their way to the Nerv base, and
discover that the power is out. As everyone scrambles to figure
out how all systems failed simultaneously, Commander Ikari takes
this opportunity to assume his alter ego as Captain Obvious.
Someone tripped the wires! But who!? The Sub-Commander doesn't
seem to care, but is worried about what will happen should an
Angel appear. But that's not going to happen, right?
"The bleeps are
The Japanese defense force tries to contact Nerv, but since
their power is out, they're unable to get through. Meanwhile,
back at Nerv, Ritsuko is still trying to get the power back on,
and the Three Stooges are still trying to get in the base.
Conveniently, none of the phones work in the base, which gives
me the impression that the next Angel is Michael Myers.
As the kids take alternate passages through old routes and vents
(that's some seriously awesome security Nerv has there), the
Angel nears closer and closer to Tokyo-3. Things are finally
starting to heat up!
"MY TITS ARE
To hell with telling spooky stories and making out in closets,
this is no normal blackout! Okay, I'm actually on the verge of
being pumped. So shit is getting semi-real now. It's... What's
the word I'm looking for?
"MY CROTCH IS
Yeah, that's it. Well, I'd lead out with some exciting pull,
but honestly, I don't have a whole lot to work with. So here's
that .gif I made of Ritsuko again:
I find this
really funny for some reason.
See you here next time, folks. Same Evangelion time, same
Recap by Styles Rockman.