Episode 12: "She said, 'Don't make others suffer for your personal hatred.'"

Part I

Hey, folks. Boy! It's been a long time, hasn't it. You know, I think this year or so off has taught me some valuable lessons. Not just about Evangelion, but about life in general. Really, I oughtta try and be a happier person, and not deal with all of my problems through anger. It's time for me to stop living in the past and get on with my life.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU–

Okay, episode 12... Episode 12... Well, let me say this before we get started. We've been introduced to Pussy Shinji, Awkward Shinji, and Prude Shinji, so it's only fitting that we finally get to meet IDIOT SHINJI.

Shinji no baka!

They say that a character's flaws are what gives them depth and allows the audience to relate to them. By that reasoning, I should feel closer to Shinji than I do to my parents and childhood friends. But I don't. As we approach the halfway point of this series, Shinji is little more than a wimpy enigma to me. Oh well, maybe this will be the episode that his whimpering pussy armor breaks down and we finally learn who the real Shinji is. Fingers crossed.

With that said, let's get this mother fucker revvin'!

Episode 12 begins in Flashback Land and takes us back to the time of the Second Impact. The establishing shot is very nice moon's-eye view of the Earth to really convey that we're still in a science fiction show, not just some stupid teen drama. A man carrying a child through what appears to be a wasteland of custard places her in an escape pod.

Next-gen graphics!

The child turns her head, and we see that it's Misato. You can tell because she looks exactly like she does as an adult, which is really uncomfortable to look at because the size of her head hasn't changed at all. Plus one for perspective. She turns to the figure who placed her and, in a scene that is supposed to be dramatic and heartbreaking but actually ends up being totally hilarious, barely squeaks out "Father..." before her pod is slammed shut.
 

DENIED!

The Angel responsible for the destruction rises from a pool of the desaturated wasteland, and we zoom out to see the impacted area over Earth. It's all very tragic, gripping, and actually quite mature. Oh no! Am I watching the wrong anime?

"...And you too can increase your bust size in just three easy payments!"

Phew, that was a close call! Cue opening title card! "The Value of a Miracle is..."

That's really the title of this episode. They're really taking this cryptic bullshit way too far. Anyway, Fisticuffs Honda and Camera Fucker are both over at Shinji's apartment because it was raining.

Wait, I didn't think about that until I typed it down. Really? Whatever. Just let it slide, man.

Misato comes out, and of course the boys perk up. Camera Fucker notices that Misato has been promoted, and congratulates her. Apparently Shinji and Asuka didn't know because they're assholes.

We get a trademark awkward cut to the Nerv facility, and see three giant-ass dildos in some strawberry Jell-O.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard THAT...

Okay, so they're testing the pilots' "harmonization" and "synchronization" levels, but come on. Not only have we seen this before and we don't care, it just looks so fucking stupid that no one involved could have been so proud of it as to say "YEAH! LET'S PUT THAT MOTHER FUCKER IN!"

Anyway, the Three Stooges come out, and Shinji is praised for having an increase in his harmonics, if you know what I mean. Asuka gets pissed at him, and apparently Rei's voice actor wasn't present for the recording of this episode because she doesn't say shit.

Later, Beat Toyota and Camera Fucker are having a celebration party for Misato at her apartment, and Shinji is sitting around awkwardly. Misato and Shinji have a private conversation, and to save money on animation costs, we are treated to not one, not two, but THREE close-up angles of Shinji's ugly mug. Shinji beats around the bush for a while before really asking the big question no one wanted to hear:

"We'll be right back in a moment!"

Misato claims it's been so long that she's forgotten, but really it's only been eight minutes into the episode.

OH HOLY GOD EIGHT FUCKING MINUTES?!

Anyway, we return to the Commander and Sub-Commander floating around in Antarctica (where apparently global warming has turned the sky green and the sea dark red) for some reason and, as always, exchanging cryptic, not-really-profound half-sentences. Their tantalizing exchange about science and sin and sexy swimwear is suddenly interrupted when another report about the Angel comes in.

Zooooooom back to Nerv, and we see that Misato is now miraculously sober and in position at her post despite partying it up a mere two scenes ago. Smooth transition there, fellas. We also get our first look at the new Angel, which is some sort of weird eye thing connecting two alien hands. What the hell is with these people and eye monsters?

Lucy's in the sky with diamonds!

Hey, by the way, Misato. What do you think about the new Angel?
 

UNIMPRESSED!

The Angel itself apparently is attacking like a "stealth" bomber, as they say in the show. Except that it is totally visible on radar, satellite, and drops giant-ass pieces of itself. Other than that, JUST like a B2 bomber.

Misato, being in charge of the facility, orders an evacuation and to assemble the Evangelion Rangers to battle the Angel. Sounds like a solid managerial decision in the face of absolute destruction.

Hey, by the way, Ritsuko. What do you think of Misato's plan?

So... How about NEXT Friday?

Well, that's it for part one! And we end with quite possibly the LONGEST DAMN NAME FOR AN EPISODE FUCKING EVER. I laughed my ass off when the title card came up. It's called "She said, 'Don't make others suffer for your personal hatred because the incredibly strange creatures who stopped living and became mixed-up zombies have feelings too.'" Or something like that. I forget.

See you guys next time. If I haven't killed myself.

Recap by Styles Rockman.