That Doesn't Mean It's Good
An editorial by Cody "Lord Shmeckie" Baier
Listen up, class, and pay attention! Ol' Mr. Shmeckie has
some words of wisdom to impart! Let's face it, if you like anime
way too much, use the ^_^, ^-^, or >^_^< smilies, and use the
words "baka" and "-chan" regularly, you're a dumbass. Quit
crying, little Timmy, you have to meet all three to qualify.
Now, your teacher tells me you've got a lot of opinions, and I'm
forsaking your lesson plan for today to tell you they're WRONG!
That's right, your opinions are wrong! Or, to be more specific,
you're a buncha dumbasses for how you decide whether something
is good or not.
Put your hand down, Cindy, I ain't finished, and no one's
leaving 'till I am! You see, I hate some shows you wipper-snappers
like, but you don't wanna hear any of that, do you? You try to
tell me what makes them good, regardless of how much they suck!
Well it looks like ol' Professor Shmeckie is gonna have to teach
you a lesson about life! When someone asks why you like
something, you're gonna reconsider the first thing that flies
outta yer scrawny, pasty, pimply, mid-pubescent little mouths!
Now stop crying, little Timmy, and get ready for lesson one!
Hot or Not?
Though I could make fun of you guys all day and all night for getting chubbies
for cartoon characters, and you girls for getting soggy at the
sight of an effeminate man, that ain't what we're here to
discuss. Just because you think a character is cuter than a
Monchichi wrapped in kittens and covered in sex juices doesn't
mean they're a part of quality material. Sure, Inuyasha may be a
fine show, but not because you think Sesshoumaru or Inuyasha is
sexy! Your retarded fantasies are wasted on 'em, ya hear me?!
You! The fangirls in the back! The ones passing dirty pictures
of Edward Elric around! No matter how many stories you write
about it, it won't change the fact that Sesshoumaru will never
have the hots for his brother! I don't care how much yaoi you
draw, Ed and Roy will never buttfuck! And all the fantasies in
the world won't make Sephiroth any closer to boning Cloud! And
finally, no matter how cute you think those boys are, that won't
make the shows you pimp any better, so if I ask you what your
favorite show is, it better damn well not be "Inuyasha, because
Sesshoumaru is SOOOOOO HOOOOOOT!!!" If that's all the reason you
got for me to watch, allow me to introduce you to Mr. Blunt
What, you boys think this is funny? Giggling like a buncha
pansies, are we? Well guess what, that applies to you, too! I
don't care how hot that purple-haired lady is, or that her boobs
bounce more than a super ball, it's not gonna make me like Read
or Die! Who gives a fuck if Shampoo has nice tits, that's not
gonna sell Ranma to me! And mention Faye Valentine's knockers to
me one more time and Mr. Blunt Object will make a man out of
you, comprende muchacho?! When I ask you "why should I watch
this", the first things outta your sperm-encrusted mouths better
not be "boobies"!
But y'know what? I don't even mind that all that much. Just
wanted to throw it out there. Kinda irks me a teeny bit, but
only sometimes. Wanna know what really gets me riled up?! What
really makes Mr. Blunt Object horny and bloodthirsty?! OUR NEXT
The Deep End
I hate Fooly Cooly. It's not funny, it's grating, it's stupid,
and it's way too filled with angst, so DO NOT give me this "oh,
you just don't understand its deep, deepie-deep,
deep-deep-deep-a-roo meaning" crap! Y'know what, Final Fantasy
X-2 had plot twists, but that didn't stop it from being a bigger
steaming pile of shit than AN ACTUAL STEAMING PILE OF SHIT! I
found Wolf's Rain was goofy and stupid. Not because I "didn't
get it" or it was "too deep for me" or I should "go watch
something I can handle, like Hamtaro"! I hated it because the
characters sucked, it had story elements so ridiculous it was
almost self-parody, and some episodes were pretty much PCP trips
sans the plotlines! I don't care if a story is deep, or if it
has meaning, or there's some underlying message, or whatever, a
sucky show is a sucky show!
What's that?! Are you rolling your eyes at me boy?! You! Yeah,
you, the little brat in the back with the glasses and the pocket
protector, you got som'm to say?! I bet you think I'm just a
dim-wit. Well of course you do. You all use that to write off
anyone who dislikes shows that you like! Well guess what, Dr.
Pepper, I get 'em just fine. I got Big O, and I liked it, but I
also got your precious FLCL, and hated it. I get Ghost In The
Shell: Stand Alone Complex, and I like it, but throw Reign the
Conqueror in my face, and I'll throw dog shit in yours to make
it even! Got me, punk?! Just for that, you lost your bathroom
privileges! You can hold it in or wet yourself, but you ain't
usin' the toilet for today!
A deep, meaningful message, a twisting plot, and complexity do
not automatically make something good. It helps, but plenty of
shitacular shows have messages, twists, and complexities! So
shut your holier-than-thou pie-holes and pay attention, 'cause
we're not done!
Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting!
When I ask folks "why should I see this", y'know what lotsa
dipshits much like the class I see before me today like to tell
me? "It's got fighting." Well woopidy-dinkin-donuts-doo! Sure,
lotsa good shows have fighting. Cowboy Bebop, Lupin III,
Inuyasha, the list goes on. However, fighting doesn't equal
funky! Quibbling doesn't mean quality! Grunting don't equal
great! Get it, yet?
You fucktards listing to ol' Shmeckie? You better, 'cause this
is important! I don't care how cool the fighting is, you better
have more than that if'n you wanna sell the show! No, Timmy, I
don't care how cool the fights are! Hell, if you like it, the
fights probably suck anyway. Oh, stop your crying. You like Yu-Gi-Oh,
so shut off the waterworks ya big bitch! No, Susie, I don't care
if you can cite a specific fight I'd love tonight, that's not
gonna push anyone to watch anything, and you're still a special
student for thinking it will! That's right, hang your head in
shame, before Mr. Blunt Object becomes your own personal reaper!
And another thing, it doesn't matter to me how much of a fucking
Hot Topic Fucktard you are who buys those stupid-ass HIM
hart-a-gram whatevers, and that because of this you need
violence, the "hardcore" nature of a show means jack shit to the
rest of us who don't let metal bands do our thinking for us! I
don't care if there's so much blood it's redder than a Virtual
Boy screen, that doesn't make it any good! So put away your lame
little pentagrams, put on a shirt, wear some fucking colors, and
shut the hell up! In fact, you know what, no show, movie, or
whatever is "hardcore"! It's always fake, and it's always for
show! Dammit, boy, you're even less hardcore! Wear all
the black lipstick and upside-down crosses you want, it won't
save you from Mr. Blunt Object's wrath! In fact, he's itching to
add some color to your angsty ass! In fact, anyone wearing a HIM
pentaheart is to immediately get their writing utensils and
write "tool" on as much of your exposed skin as possible! Do it!
Or you'll spend detention with me, Mr. Blunt Object, and a
locked door! And smile, dammit!
Know Your Homeland!
Even if you know WHAT to say, you better damn well know HOW to
say it! No matter how much anime you watch, or how much you love
Japan, you'll NEVER, EVER, MOTHER FUCKIN' EVER be Japanese! Not
even Japanese-like! You're not even the Diet Coke of Japanese!
No god damn calories! So, when you tell me ABOUT the show, if
the words "sugoi", "baka", "kawaii", or "phylomortic bysulfate"
come out of your mouth, I will cut you! And with knives,
I don't care what kind of cute samurai butterfly you fancy
yourself to be, if your name ain't Yoshitaku Watanabe or
something like that, don't let me hear the word "no" come outta
your mouth used as a possessive. If there's anything that's
driven me to drink, do drugs, and throw little children into the
path of oncoming trains... allegedly... it's when you little
smart-assed hard-for-anime bitches and bastards start usin'
Japanese talk just because you haven't come out of yer mamma's
basement long enough to realize that normal folks don't go
around using the eight Japanese words they know from watching
god damn fansubs! Because we all know the average anime fan
doesn't actually know a god damn bit of the language; they only
know a few words they recognize from their little bitty pussy
Or even better, go to Japan and start doing that shit. See just
how long it takes you to look like an ever larger ass! SUGOI
So, what DO we say? What DOES make it good?
Why, it's so fucking simple a village idiot with a hole in his
head, a learning disability, and enough mental problems to
qualify him as legally retarded 4 times over could do it! Just
remember the word "REGGIE":
When I ask you why something's good, you tell me EVERYTHING you
can both think of and fit in without ranting, and THEN you tell
me why it's good! Also, don't forget "TILAM":
If I don't like your show, don't get pissy! Sure, you can
question it, and sure, you can ask me why. Hell, it might start
an interesting discussion! But do not, under any circumstances,
try that holier-than-thou crap! Liking Fooly Cooly does not make
you one of God's chosen! And don't start bitching like a
Barbie-less toddler-aged girl! Opinions differ, and if you can't
handle that, bend over, because Mr. Blunt Object is comin' to
town! However, if you wanna get me to like something, dammit,
you better damn well be ready to sell it. Your life depends on
it, right, Mr. Blunt Object?
Now, I gotta go, kids! Y'see, I'm not a substitute teacher at
all! Nope, I got your teacher tied up and gagged in the closet.
Better let her out at some point. But first, I gotta cheese it,
Cody Baier - 6/17/05