That Doesn't Mean It's Good
An editorial by Cody "Lord Shmeckie" Baier

Listen up, class, and pay attention! Ol' Mr. Shmeckie has some words of wisdom to impart! Let's face it, if you like anime way too much, use the ^_^, ^-^, or >^_^< smilies, and use the words "baka" and "-chan" regularly, you're a dumbass. Quit crying, little Timmy, you have to meet all three to qualify. Now, your teacher tells me you've got a lot of opinions, and I'm forsaking your lesson plan for today to tell you they're WRONG! That's right, your opinions are wrong! Or, to be more specific, you're a buncha dumbasses for how you decide whether something is good or not.

Put your hand down, Cindy, I ain't finished, and no one's leaving 'till I am! You see, I hate some shows you wipper-snappers like, but you don't wanna hear any of that, do you? You try to tell me what makes them good, regardless of how much they suck! Well it looks like ol' Professor Shmeckie is gonna have to teach you a lesson about life! When someone asks why you like something, you're gonna reconsider the first thing that flies outta yer scrawny, pasty, pimply, mid-pubescent little mouths! Now stop crying, little Timmy, and get ready for lesson one!

Hot or Not?

Though I could make fun of you guys all day and all night for getting chubbies for cartoon characters, and you girls for getting soggy at the sight of an effeminate man, that ain't what we're here to discuss. Just because you think a character is cuter than a Monchichi wrapped in kittens and covered in sex juices doesn't mean they're a part of quality material. Sure, Inuyasha may be a fine show, but not because you think Sesshoumaru or Inuyasha is sexy! Your retarded fantasies are wasted on 'em, ya hear me?!

You! The fangirls in the back! The ones passing dirty pictures of Edward Elric around! No matter how many stories you write about it, it won't change the fact that Sesshoumaru will never have the hots for his brother! I don't care how much yaoi you draw, Ed and Roy will never buttfuck! And all the fantasies in the world won't make Sephiroth any closer to boning Cloud! And finally, no matter how cute you think those boys are, that won't make the shows you pimp any better, so if I ask you what your favorite show is, it better damn well not be "Inuyasha, because Sesshoumaru is SOOOOOO HOOOOOOT!!!" If that's all the reason you got for me to watch, allow me to introduce you to Mr. Blunt Object!

What, you boys think this is funny? Giggling like a buncha pansies, are we? Well guess what, that applies to you, too! I don't care how hot that purple-haired lady is, or that her boobs bounce more than a super ball, it's not gonna make me like Read or Die! Who gives a fuck if Shampoo has nice tits, that's not gonna sell Ranma to me! And mention Faye Valentine's knockers to me one more time and Mr. Blunt Object will make a man out of you, comprende muchacho?! When I ask you "why should I watch this", the first things outta your sperm-encrusted mouths better not be "boobies"!

But y'know what? I don't even mind that all that much. Just wanted to throw it out there. Kinda irks me a teeny bit, but only sometimes. Wanna know what really gets me riled up?! What really makes Mr. Blunt Object horny and bloodthirsty?! OUR NEXT TOPIC!

The Deep End

I hate Fooly Cooly. It's not funny, it's grating, it's stupid, and it's way too filled with angst, so DO NOT give me this "oh, you just don't understand its deep, deepie-deep, deep-deep-deep-a-roo meaning" crap! Y'know what, Final Fantasy X-2 had plot twists, but that didn't stop it from being a bigger steaming pile of shit than AN ACTUAL STEAMING PILE OF SHIT! I found Wolf's Rain was goofy and stupid. Not because I "didn't get it" or it was "too deep for me" or I should "go watch something I can handle, like Hamtaro"! I hated it because the characters sucked, it had story elements so ridiculous it was almost self-parody, and some episodes were pretty much PCP trips sans the plotlines! I don't care if a story is deep, or if it has meaning, or there's some underlying message, or whatever, a sucky show is a sucky show!

What's that?! Are you rolling your eyes at me boy?! You! Yeah, you, the little brat in the back with the glasses and the pocket protector, you got som'm to say?! I bet you think I'm just a dim-wit. Well of course you do. You all use that to write off anyone who dislikes shows that you like! Well guess what, Dr. Pepper, I get 'em just fine. I got Big O, and I liked it, but I also got your precious FLCL, and hated it. I get Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex, and I like it, but throw Reign the Conqueror in my face, and I'll throw dog shit in yours to make it even! Got me, punk?! Just for that, you lost your bathroom privileges! You can hold it in or wet yourself, but you ain't usin' the toilet for today!

A deep, meaningful message, a twisting plot, and complexity do not automatically make something good. It helps, but plenty of shitacular shows have messages, twists, and complexities! So shut your holier-than-thou pie-holes and pay attention, 'cause we're not done!

Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting!

When I ask folks "why should I see this", y'know what lotsa dipshits much like the class I see before me today like to tell me? "It's got fighting." Well woopidy-dinkin-donuts-doo! Sure, lotsa good shows have fighting. Cowboy Bebop, Lupin III, Inuyasha, the list goes on. However, fighting doesn't equal funky! Quibbling doesn't mean quality! Grunting don't equal great! Get it, yet?

You fucktards listing to ol' Shmeckie? You better, 'cause this is important! I don't care how cool the fighting is, you better have more than that if'n you wanna sell the show! No, Timmy, I don't care how cool the fights are! Hell, if you like it, the fights probably suck anyway. Oh, stop your crying. You like Yu-Gi-Oh, so shut off the waterworks ya big bitch! No, Susie, I don't care if you can cite a specific fight I'd love tonight, that's not gonna push anyone to watch anything, and you're still a special student for thinking it will! That's right, hang your head in shame, before Mr. Blunt Object becomes your own personal reaper!

And another thing, it doesn't matter to me how much of a fucking Hot Topic Fucktard you are who buys those stupid-ass HIM hart-a-gram whatevers, and that because of this you need violence, the "hardcore" nature of a show means jack shit to the rest of us who don't let metal bands do our thinking for us! I don't care if there's so much blood it's redder than a Virtual Boy screen, that doesn't make it any good! So put away your lame little pentagrams, put on a shirt, wear some fucking colors, and shut the hell up! In fact, you know what, no show, movie, or whatever is "hardcore"! It's always fake, and it's always for show! Dammit, boy, you're even less hardcore! Wear all the black lipstick and upside-down crosses you want, it won't save you from Mr. Blunt Object's wrath! In fact, he's itching to add some color to your angsty ass! In fact, anyone wearing a HIM pentaheart is to immediately get their writing utensils and write "tool" on as much of your exposed skin as possible! Do it! Or you'll spend detention with me, Mr. Blunt Object, and a locked door! And smile, dammit!

Know Your Homeland!

Even if you know WHAT to say, you better damn well know HOW to say it! No matter how much anime you watch, or how much you love Japan, you'll NEVER, EVER, MOTHER FUCKIN' EVER be Japanese! Not even Japanese-like! You're not even the Diet Coke of Japanese! No god damn calories! So, when you tell me ABOUT the show, if the words "sugoi", "baka", "kawaii", or "phylomortic bysulfate" come out of your mouth, I will cut you! And with knives, no less!

I don't care what kind of cute samurai butterfly you fancy yourself to be, if your name ain't Yoshitaku Watanabe or something like that, don't let me hear the word "no" come outta your mouth used as a possessive. If there's anything that's driven me to drink, do drugs, and throw little children into the path of oncoming trains... allegedly... it's when you little smart-assed hard-for-anime bitches and bastards start usin' Japanese talk just because you haven't come out of yer mamma's basement long enough to realize that normal folks don't go around using the eight Japanese words they know from watching god damn fansubs! Because we all know the average anime fan doesn't actually know a god damn bit of the language; they only know a few words they recognize from their little bitty pussy wussy fansubs!

Or even better, go to Japan and start doing that shit. See just how long it takes you to look like an ever larger ass! SUGOI DUMBASS!

So, what DO we say? What DOES make it good?

Why, it's so fucking simple a village idiot with a hole in his head, a learning disability, and enough mental problems to qualify him as legally retarded 4 times over could do it! Just remember the word "REGGIE":

Recommend
Every
Generally
Good
Inherent
Element

When I ask you why something's good, you tell me EVERYTHING you can both think of and fit in without ranting, and THEN you tell me why it's good! Also, don't forget "TILAM":

Take
It
Like
A
Man

If I don't like your show, don't get pissy! Sure, you can question it, and sure, you can ask me why. Hell, it might start an interesting discussion! But do not, under any circumstances, try that holier-than-thou crap! Liking Fooly Cooly does not make you one of God's chosen! And don't start bitching like a Barbie-less toddler-aged girl! Opinions differ, and if you can't handle that, bend over, because Mr. Blunt Object is comin' to town! However, if you wanna get me to like something, dammit, you better damn well be ready to sell it. Your life depends on it, right, Mr. Blunt Object?

Now, I gotta go, kids! Y'see, I'm not a substitute teacher at all! Nope, I got your teacher tied up and gagged in the closet. Better let her out at some point. But first, I gotta cheese it, so seeya!

Cody Baier - 6/17/05