The following editorial wasn't originally composed with the intention of being featured on Project AFTER, and, to some of you, its subject material may seem a little off-topic for this website. Though that may be, it's also simply too damn hilarious to not show to as many people as possible, hence the reason I got permission from Cody to showcase it here. And hey, what the hell do you care anyway. It's free. So shut up, read on, and enjoy. - Alex

 

 

The Top 10 Worst Things About the Music Industry
An editorial by Cody "Lord Shmeckie" Baier

 

Awhile ago, on another site I frequented (before its demise) I posted a top 10 list mocking what I believe to be the biggest piles of shit in the world of music, based on 3 deciding factors:

 

bullet The sound of their "music".
bullet Any other projects they've done.
bullet Their message and/or fanbase.


It seemed to get a pretty positive response, so I'll go ahead and put it up here as well. Here we go:

-----------------------------------------------

10: Britney Spears
The original blonde bimbo from which all female pop singers after her would be cloned from. For anyone with a mind of their own that detested her music, she provided endless laughs. First, she sticks to her story of being a virgin, yet even in her very first video she's pandering to schoolgirl lust and acting like a total slut. Anyone with a brain knew she had been without a hymen so long she forgot what the word "hymen" meant. Then she tries her hand at movies, actually thinking human beings would pay money to see two hours of Britney Spears giggling with two other women we will never see or hear from ever again. The only thing keeping her back at #10 is the fact that she graciously gave us a break from her inane bullshit as she faded back into obscurity mercifully fast and painlessly.

9: Ludacris
What's funnier than a dirty rapper who can't rap about anything other than guns and buns even when he tries not to? A dirty rapper who can't rap about anything other than guns and buns even when he tries not to that gets political. From his little 9/11 song (wherein he says Bush was responsible for 9/11) to his going around spouting his opinions on society, it all makes sense because if I wanted some suggestions on fixing this country, I'd turn to a rapper who can't even spell his own name right. When you cause half of an awards ceremony to leave and not come back, it may be time to rethink the direction you're taking your career, because rappers' careers have shelf lives anyway. Don't wanna shorten it, do you?

8: Christina Aguilera
I don't know nor care if I spelled her name right. She's a Britney clone that, at some point, went horribly wrong. Like the twisted cloning in Final Fantasy 7, she became corrupted, and became the very definition of dirty skank that would make her a laughingstock for years to come. One cannot even say they like her music without being viciously mocked. Her skankiness has transcended even male hormones; can you find one man who says he'd like to fuck her? I can't, and with good reason. Your pee will burn like you've got a flamethrower between your legs if you even touch her over-exposed skin. She's gotta have so many STDs her vagina probably resembles the Sarlaac pit from Return of the Jedi. And just in case we didn't hate her enough, she gives us a music video featuring the ugliest and most malnourished children ever. Even Sally Struthers kept her distance from those kids.

7: Staind
Someone needs a hug. Now, traditionally, dark rock tends to be very chunky and loud, with the occasional downer. Now this genre can be quite entertaining, as some of these bands can churn out a pretty decent melody. Now imagine if one of these bands did NOTHING but the downer ballads. That would be Staind. ALL of their songs are sung in the key of sad, making you wonder just how many original band members Staind has lost to wrist cutting. When you have an electric guitar and use it specifically for soft notes, never once giving us a guitar riff, well, that's just a waste of a good instrument. How they sold albums I will never understand; who needs 14 tracks of excerpts from a teenager's suicide note?

6: Cher
C'mon, she's been the butt of jokes since before most of you were born, so how could she not make this list? Her music appeals only to middle-aged women, her movies have been the stuff dreams are made of (and by that, I mean those dreams you have when there's something deeply troubling your psyche, and you desperately need psychiatric help since you're too scared of your nightmares to sleep), and now, like so many celebrities with bloated egos, she thinks we care about her political views. Oh yeah, and dressing like a prostitute while your SON plays in the band, watching his mom shake it like a desperate Vietnamese hooker trying to seduce a soldier-boy in front of the damn US Navy was a stellar move! What's next from Cher? How will she further embarrass herself to entertain us? My guess is she'll write a new bible, and call it "I Got You, God".

5: Madonna
You know, don't you? You know why she's here. Her whole career screams "I'm a shameless attention whore!" First, she writes lame songs that sell because they're "edgy". It's how her career came to life. Then she makes a constant spectacle of herself (her wedding dress exhibition was just inane, and the fact people thought it was edgy just because she wore a wedding dress and that it meant something makes me lose faith in humanity every time someone reminds me of it... like right now.....). And every time we begin to forget the minutes of our lives she wasted, she tries to make a comeback, as she desperately clings to attention. Then she tries a more moderate image in the late 90's, and we begin to move on.

But she'll have none of it. She won't LET us live our lives, so to whore herself for attention further, she tries being controversial again with this Kaballah crap and, just like everyone else with an album or a movie, she mistakenly believes that we the public care about her thoughts on politics and the world. What will SHE do to whore herself for attention again? My guess is she'll kill a nun dressed like a Warlock while singing "Ray of Light".

4: Snoop Dogg
He won't go away! He just won't go away! Like Madonna, he ceaselessly clings to spotlights of one kind or another regardless of whether or not anyone even gives a shit about him anymore. He tried rapping, then that got old. So, he goes into half-assed movies, and cameos in not-so-half-assed movies. Then he jumps to TV, then back to rap, and the cycle of pain loops again. I guess we can be thankful he hasn't gotten political (as far as I know). Oh, and you gotta love (and by love, I mean have a hunger for his blood) a guy who can't think of anything else to rap about, so he raps about (and this is actually what one of his songs is about) him going to a party with his friend, and his friend putting his dick on some chick's head. And if I hear one more mention of his on-again-off-again pot addiction, I will kill whoever mentioned it, THEN him!

3: The Insane Clown Posse
Look, hon, it's the idiot brigade! They barely qualified for this list, as their "songs", which, from this point on, will be called "pieces", have NO singing! They're RANTS! They're like stuff from 2 the Ranting Griffin (if you don't know of him, you're lucky) put to some repetitious background music. Not only that, they're stoner rants involving stabbing people and doing drugs. So, in a way, they're rappers. But it doesn't stop there. The ICP seems to be an idiot magnet. Have you ever once met an ICP fan who could spell and speak coherent English? "Not I," said the Shmeckie. An ICP t-shirt ranks right up there with "Boob Inspector" and "I'm With Stupid" in terms of showing the world one's dumbassery and lack of this stuff called "smarts".

Then, these idiots go and make one of the worst movies ever made ("Big Money Hustlahs", which is somehow as bad as it sounds). Then they go and make bigger asses out of themselves with this Backyard Wrestling shit. What's next? I say they'll have butt-sex in public, chanting "I like to stab fuckin' muffins BITCH! I like to stab fuckin' muffins BITCH! I like to stab fuckin' muffins BITCH!"

2: Simple Plan
They're on this list solely for their music, and that I WANT TO KILL THEM! I WANT THEIR BLOOD ON MY FACE! Their music can only be described as "brain grating poppy teen-rock". Their songs are solely about bitching about being a kid. Want an example? Here's an excerpt from their hit, "I'm Just A Kid", from their album bearing the lovely title of "No Pads, No Helmets... Just Balls":

I woke up it was 7
I waited till 11
Just to figure out that no one would call
I think I got a lot of friends, but I don't hear from them
What's another night all alone?
When you're spending everyday on your own
And here it goes

[Chorus:]
I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me
Tonight...

And maybe when the night is dead, I'll crawl into my bed
Staring at these 4 walls again
I'll try to think about the last time, I had a good time
Everyone's got somewhere to go
And they're gonna leave me here on my own and here it goes

And I had to listen to that song every day on the school radio back in high school when I worked for the A/V Teacher. My soul would hurt and my brain would bleed every time it was played. If you're a masochist, download a song or two from them. You'll never need a dominatrix again, I guarantee it! You will know that skater rock is up there with MTV's reality shows and teen sex comedies as genres of "entertainment" that can only be enjoyed by moronic teenagers that are too stupid to be allowed to breathe the air that would be better used by kids with asthma! THIS is why Congress needs to pass that bill I slipped in there that would allow people to hunt stupid teenagers for sport! WHO'S WITH ME!? Accomplishes a lot more than hunting deer, I can tell you that.

1: Linkin Park
Yes, Linkin Park. With a fanbase that baffles me, these idiots have stabbed my soul with their mind-numbing bullshit DAILY! Their songs are just like Simple Plan's and Staind's crap (100% whaaaa whaaaaa whaaaaa), with no sign of knowing how to record what many of us call "music". You see, they alternate between rock and rap (unlike other musicians that actually attempt to mix the two), and neither come off as melodic or listenable. While one guy screams like a whiny little bitch, the other raps like Vanilla Ice before he was accepted to make an album. Not only that, the rock and the rap don't come together to form a cohesive melody at all. It's like the two "singers" had two different songs in mind.

A good example of their songs would be...

"WHYYYYYYYYY!!?? I WANT TO DIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!"

"Yo, you hear what mah boy sayin'? He wanna die, y'all! Gonna cry, y'all! Screamin' 'cause his end is nigh, y'all!"

And their fanbase. GOD, their fanbase. Endless hordes of angsty teenagers that think their parents are the devil (regardless of all that "financial support" crap, but who cares about that), and that they're dark, misunderstood souls that are above all the sheep in the world, regardless of the fact that they're the biggest sheep in the world. And if I see someone list "In The End" as their favorite song again, I'm afraid I'll have to kill myself.

Plus, I have a personal grudge against them. You see, 'round these parts we have a station called 98 Rock. It just may be the greatest radio station ever. It's morning show, Kirk Mark and Lopez (rest in peace, Lopez; we'll miss ya), is three hours of the greatest car ride you can have (and it's where Larry the Cable Guy started his career). It plays nothing but good stuff from all decades. I like that, since I like rock of all years. Now, I COULD just leave my car radio on this station permanently, but there are several occasions where 98 Rock will have a lapse in judgment and play Linkin Park's bullshit, forcing me to switch to an inferior station for 3-4 minutes. Linkin Park tainted the greatest radio station ever, and for that, I am destined to engage with its members in Lawn Chair Kombat.

-----------------------------------------------

That's it. If you like anyone on that list, your taste in music sucks, and there's no denying it.

Honorable mentions go to...

Green Day - Get a better singing voice FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! You sound like a man with a cold imitating a yapping dog!

My Chemical Romance - God dammit all to hell they don't even try to HIDE their angsty bullshit. Go ahead, try and watch their music videos without pointing and laughing. You can try, but you will fail.

50 Cent - I don't care how hardcore you think you are or how many bullet wounds you have, you're still the same as every god damn "gangsta" rapper ever, and you too will be forgotten the second your short time in the spotlight is over. Say hi to MC Hammer and Flavah Flav for me when you get to Washed-Up Celebrity Rapper Land.

System of a Down - SING, DAMMIT! If I wanted to hear some crazy, angry rant, I'd listen to myself when I make them! You're supposed to be a "band". Well guess what, bands tend to SING SONGS!

Blink 182 - You're not funny. You were never funny. Your music sucks already, but when you try to be hilarious with dumbass songs about fucking dogs, well, we have a word for that. A few, actually. Some prefer pathetic. Other prefer "rock bottom". Me, I prefer the old phrase, "YOU FUCKING SUCK!" It's branding, I think.

Avril Lavine (or however the hell you spell it) - Quit insulting my god damn intelligence. You're not unique, or an individual, and especially not a rocker chick! You can't wear spiked studs, then sing some pippy-pop bullshit ass of a song about you being in love with a skater boy, then try to tell me you're a punk girl. Bull. SHIT! You're pathetic. You latch onto an image to try and appeal to one crowd, then you go and sing to another. Yeah, I guess that brilliant strategy is why I still hear you coming out with new albums--oh, right, I DON'T! Now, just stay gone like a good little wannabe, and we won't have to laugh at you anymore! :)

Cody Baier - 8/14/05