Back in October of '06, I ran a little competition on the Project AFTER Forums called the "So Bad It's Scary" Fanfic Mockery Contest. The premise of the contest was pretty straightforward: Members who wished to participate had to go out and find some crappy fanfiction that centered around the theme of horror in some way, then write up a mockery for it and post the results on the forums. I would then use my expert knowledge of fanfiction critiquery to judge the entries and score them based on their humor value, originality, etc., with the top three entries winning FABULOUS PRIZES! While the contest ultimately saw fewer participants than I had originally hoped for, I'm glad I ran it nonetheless, since the forums were treated to a handful of hilarious fanfic reviews that otherwise probably wouldn't have been written.

That long-winded introduction brings me to this very special submission by forum-goer Brolly, which was good enough to earn him 3rd Place in the "So Bad It's Scary" Fanfic Mockery Contest. Based on the anime Blood+, "Bad Blood" is a relatively short piece of writing that makes up for what it lacks in length with plenty of nonsense. Generally, I recommend that readers of this site familiarize themselves with the source material for each fanfic in order to get the full impact of just how awful it is, but thankfully, this particular fic won't make a damn lick of sense regardless of whether you've seen Blood+ or not. Either way, the story is so thin that the handful of references it makes to the series it's based on are hardly of any consequence in the long run.

To help you make it through this strange, fragmented tale is a running commentary that boasts some of the most successfully executed "relaxed humor" I've seen in quite awhile. Brolly manages to remain unperturbed while reading this fic, merely calling the crap when he sees it and evidentially having a good time all the while. Hopefully, you'll be similarly inclined to simply sit back and have a laugh at the expense of a story that takes a short trip to nowhere, losing any apparent purpose it may have started out with along the way. - Alex

Guest Special: "Bad Blood"
(A 'Blood+' fanfiction by That_Fan)

Reviewed by: Brolly

Here's my entrance piece for the "So Bad It's Scary" mockery contest. This is my first shot at a fanfic mockery, but I think it turned out fairly decent.

The fic is based off of a horror style anime (a series called Blood+), and even though the story really isn't all that horrifying, I think it fits the criteria for the contest.

My comments are in white text, with the fanfic in red.

Bad Blood

"That song...is this finally it?"

Wait, what song? What the hell is going on?

Saya thought as she walked into what appeared to be a ruined section of the estate.

Remember we're in 21st century where most estates are in ruins by now, or at least, that's how things are to the writer.

Most of her father's manor and the grounds surrounding it were in premium condition, after all Joel had more than a handful of servants under him all of which worked diligently and efficiently at their given tasks.

Black Slave: Yes master, I be trimming the hedges like you asked! No, please...not the whip again!

So why was this place in such a state of disrepair?

There were even vines growing up the sides of walls here.

And that's just a HUGE no-no.

Sure enough the singing had become louder than it had ever been before.

SPOILER: That means she's getting closer.

The song, the beautiful, haunting melody had occupied Saya's mind for some time now.

Hold on a sec, is Saya the only one who can hear this song? I hear songs all the time that other people can't hear, we may have the same problem...auditory hallucinations.

It had ever since that day out on the Estate's grounds when she'd been with her father and Haji. Immediately after hearing it she'd scoured the grounds trying to find its source;

If you wanna skip the bullshit of searching for the source, just ask someone else if they've heard it as well. If not, well then you're crazy...like me.

of course as large as the place was that was easier said than done. She hadn't found it.

You'd find gold at the end of the rainbow before you could find the source of the sound... Believe me, the leprechaun was pissed.

But the sound had stayed on her mind and every time she heard it start up again she began to look for exactly who or what was making the beautiful noise.

It sure as hell wasn't the leprechaun.

Until now she hadn't found anything. Of course she'd never before looked here.

Hold on a sec... I could have sworn this was the first place that she looked in the series...but you're the writer, I guess.

Saya wasn't even sure she was supposed to be here. The place kind of looked a bit dangerous.

Very dangerous. It had vines growing up the walls, after all...

Maybe she wasn't allowed here. But then again no other place that she knew of was off limits to her.

Not even the boys' bathroom.

In fact there was very little that Saya's father denied her.

He denied you love, he hated you...believe me. After all, you technically killed him. Did the guy who wrote this ever watch Blood+?

Ah the advantages of a life of privilege, especially when given free reign. Of course had she truly been able to comprehend any other lifestyle at this point in time she might have realized this.

Saya, though seemingly showing improvement after being around Haji for so long, was still regarded as a somewhat spoiled young girl by most of the Joel Estate's staff.

Staff: We still think she is a fucking bitch.

While it was true she was somewhat endearing to them, sometimes her 'I want' attitude annoyed them.

It would annoy me too. Just you droning on about her being annoying is annoying.

Not that they'd say anything to her about it. The only one who ended up having the courage to do so was Haji.

Haji: Saya... You see, I have tell you something. Well... You're a bitch, and no one really likes you.

Oddly enough he was also her closest friend and constant companion, despite the fact he seemed so much older now.

That process is called aging. Some scientists found out about it recently.

That was something that had been eating away at Saya. When Haji had first been brought here he'd been little more than a young boy. Now he was a young, grown man. Yet she still looked and felt the same as she did then.

Jesus, you would think your instantly-healing wounds and awesome powers would maybe have something to do with that...

She still was a teenage girl. Of course she hadn't mentioned how much this mystery bothered her to anyone other than Haji. It was almost as if time stopped for her while it kept going for everyone else around her.

So if she wore a watch, would it work?

Apparently this concerned Haji as much as it had her for he went to her father Joel with the same concern.

If I kept buying watches and none of them worked because time doesn't work around me, I would be pissed off too.

Saya probably wouldn't have known about it all except for the fact she'd been on a stroll that night through the house and had over heard them.

Oh Saya, you little rebel you. Wandering around after your bedtime, watch-less. Actually, she probably couldn't tell it was her bedtime...

Unfortunately her father did seem to have any more answers than they did; at least not any he was sharing.

I think the writer confused did with didn't... An easy mistake to make. Because they...uh, have the exact opposite meaning...

Though what he had said troubled her. Apparently she needed blood to survive and would never age.

Wait, so Joel told her this? I thought you just said that Saya overheard him saying he didn't know shit. Wait, you just said she didn't know, GOD DAMN you ARE annoying.

In addition to that that she didn't need to eat or sleep, though that didn't seem to stop her from getting tired or hungry.

OK, that's like me saying I don't need to breathe, but I do it anyway because otherwise I'd die.

Sure she had known she was anemic and needed transfusions, but learning something like that....

Yea I know, eating and sleeping are a big hassle for everyone.

From there other curiosities had occurred to her, like the fact Haji now seemed to be the same way and had been since his disastrous fall down the cliff when he'd tried to help Saya in gathering flowers for her father's birthday, which was coming up now.

You selfish bitch, you make Haji go down the cliff to get the flowers just because you don't feel like getting dirty!

He'd fallen very badly and out of desperation Saya had force fed him her blood.

Because if I saw someone bleeding horribly the first thing I would do would be to not stop the bleeding, but instead slash my wrists and attempt an on-the-site blood transfusion.

It probably sounded stupid and gross to someone who hadn't been there, but in her desperation she hadn't thought completely clearly.

She's a dumbass. What happens if other guy doesn't have the same blood type hmm?

After all she healed instantly and it was the blood she got from transfusions that made it possible, at least so her father had said. And seemingly it had worked. Still what had she done to him? He'd gone into convulsions after receiving her blood and only later did he wake up, seemingly unharmed.

Yea, violent convulsions are a sign of peaceful healing.

Last but certainly not least was the song...and at least that she may have finally found an answer to.

AGAIN with the song. At least I don't brag about it when I hear mine.

'But where is it coming from?'

Looking around the ruins Saya tried to use both her ears and eyes to pinpoint where exactly the song was coming from.

The hell? Was this like a cartoon where she could see the music notes floating by?

Then her gaze fell on the tower, the tallest structure here and the most in tact. The sound was coming from the top window, the only window in the building with bars on it. Saya peered at it closely for a few moments then the singing stopped and a face appeared at the window.

Was there a rainbow nearby? Don't mess with the leprechauns, I'm serious.

In a way it almost reminded her of the fairy tale of the woman locked in a tower with hair long enough to reach its base...she couldn't remember its name for the life of her though.

Rapunzel. There, if you're ever put in the life and death situation of needing to know that name, you'll be all set.

"Who are you?" Saya called out then paused, thinking she'd spoken a little too softly for someone that high up to hear her.

Once again she is being selfish, thinking everyone can just magically hear her.

She was pleasantly surprised however when the person looking down on her spoke back,

"What!? I can't hear you!!"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Saya?" The aforementioned girl grinned and nodded her head as if pleased by speaking her own name.

Cause you know, her name is just so fucking cool.

"Saya?" Again Saya nodded. "I'm..." there was a brief pause and then again, "I'm..."

Unfortunately, 1 in 250 people are born with Down Syndrome. This can cause many negative effects, including slowed reaction times and forgetting your own name. I applaud this fanfic for helping bring people's attention to this awful disease.

"What is your name?" Saya asked again.

Holy shit. Give the retard some time to respond you bitch.

Now that she'd found who'd been singing her apprehension was completely forgotten. "Huh? My name?" The speaker sounded completely confused by the question as if such a thing were foreign to her.

As she stared off into space, drool leaking from the corner of her mouth...

By the sound of the voice Saya guessed the girl was at least somewhere around her age, maybe just a bit younger.

Remember, assuming makes an ass out of you and Ming. Ha ha, that crazy Ming...

"You don't have a name?" Saya was just as confused. How could someone not have a name? Again her naivet‚ was showing itself.

Is that like French for "naïve"?  [Actually, it is. However, the proper spelling is naïveté, so That_Fan is still an idiot. Good eye, Brolly. - Alex]

When she didn't receive an answer she smiled warmly up at the girl in the tower, hoping it would carry some of that emotion up with it. Saya had to admit she pitied the girl, not having a name. "Then I'll give you one..."

Here we go again, selfish Saya always naming people.

Girl: My name is Rebecca!

Saya: Not anymore! It's Lindsay now.

Girl: But I...

Saya: Shut up Lindsay! Go make me some dinner!

Saya slowly started walking towards the tower's stairs as she thought about it and she heard the girl start to sing again.

Remember, if it's a leprechaun then just grab the gold and run!

"How about..." Still not sure exactly what to be appropriate and not wanting to give a person with such a beautiful voice an unfitting name she sat down on the top step. As she pondered the name she leaned her head back against the stone wall and closed her eyes, letting the music flow through her.

I wonder if she is doing that sleeping thing that she physically can't do, but is doing now.

Then it came to her.

Saya: I can sleep after all!

"I know, Diva! Like a princess with a fair voice!"

"Diva, I'm Diva?" The girl sounded like she was testing the name out, trying to figure out if she liked it or not.

Please like it, I really don't want her to call you princess.

"Yes, Diva." Saya paused then without thinking she probably said one of the silliest, most childish things she'd ever done. "Hey, let's be friends."

I don't really know how silly that is, isn't that how most kids that young approach people their age?

For a few moments no response came. Then something fell at high speed towards the ground. Holding out her hands Saya caught the thing, which landed lightly in her palm.

I thought only monkeys threw that stuff

It was a blue rose, a perfect blue rose. The thorns had been carefully removed from the stem and there were only two leaves protruding from it. It was beautiful. "I'll take that as a yes."

Diva: Shit, I dropped my rose! Hey! Dammit. I hope she doesn't think I want to be her friend.

*  *  *

Diva shifted in her sleep and opened her eyes. The dream faded slowly and was replaced by the reality she was living.

Morpheus: Wake up, Neo.

She was not back in that prison, but rather in her sanctuary, in the care of her Chevalier's.

Jesus, now she has her own sanctuary? She is sounding like someone else.

Speaking of her Chevalier's Diva looked around for them and her eyes quickly found the only person present in the quite grandiose greenhouse.

I'm impressed that the writer knows so many big-ass words. They make the story way better.

Nathan was by far the most eccentric of her five Chevalier's, from his blond hair and outlandish style of clothing, all the way to his flippant behavior.

That's a pretty neat word, flippant. I should read through the thesaurus more.

Currently he was bobbing his head along to beat Diva could not hear, neither could anyone else besides Nathan for that matter.

Oh god, not him too.

The young man was listening to the music on what appeared to be a set of ear plugs and a walkman of sorts.

I was beginning to think every body in this story has the same problem.

Diva had only been awake a short while, but she'd learned very quickly from this particular Chevalier exactly what it was for. Not that they shared the same taste in music that was for sure, but she'd been absolutely delighted by the new toy. So much so Nathan had gone out of his way to buy her one of her own.

At least she didn't demand it or anything, not like that greedy Saya.

It took only a second for her Chevalier to notice her gaze and without hesitation he turned the walkman off, pulled out the ear plugs, and set it down.

Nathan: Shit, I hope she didn't hear me listening to Britney Spears' latest single...

"Is something wrong my Lady? I hope I haven't disturbed you."

Diva giggled at that. It was so out of place for Nathan to be polite. Normally he took so much pleasure in his shameless flaunting and behavior, not to mention annoying the hell out the much more mild mannered men around him.

We have a word for that, I'll let you use your imagination.

But to her he showed absolute respect. "No. I was just dreaming."

"If you want me to leave I can do that," the Chevalier offered chivalrously, pocketing the walkman.

Ooooo how clever, Chevalier, chivalrously. Real cute.

"No, I'm finished now." Then a wicked gleam came into her eyes.

"Right now I want to play."

Nathan: Damn. I don't get paid enough for this.

Nathan laughed and stood up. "Okay then, what would you like to play?" In answer Diva licked her lips and grinned.

I was hoping it was going to be something innocent...

Despite her appearance as a young, angelic looking, black haired girl there was extremely old malice obvious in her eyes, evil that had only grown stronger with age.

I guess she had a troubled childhood, being locked up in a tower her whole life. Man, I kind of wish I was locked in a tower and didn't have access to the internet right now.

END

-Written by Brolly.