As if his name wasn't already on enough pages of this site as it is, Cody Baier can now add fanfiction mockeries to his extensive list of contributions to Project AFTER. For his first featured Guest Special, I'm presenting his entry in the 2006 "So Bad It's Scary" Fanfic Mockery Contest (an event where I ingeniously conned several forum members into writing content for the site for free in hopes of winning crappy prizes).

For his target in the contest, Mr. Baier selected a Silent Hill 2 fanfiction called "Angles Fall", which I can safely say is one the most downright deplorable stories on this website. The author--an escaped mental patient who calls himself "Poof Chicken"--obviously delights in torturing anyone foolish enough to read his work, beginning his story with a nightmare-inducing sex scene involving (in)famous Silent Hill monsters Pyramid Head and the Fukuro Lady (referred to as "The Queen" in this story for some reason I suspect even God is unsure of). After that, the plot gets mercifully tamer as it focuses on James Sunderland and retells the most exciting sequence from Silent Hill 2, when James solves a clock puzzle. Unfortunately, as if to express his disdain for all things that make sense, Poof Chicken also throws an original character into the mix... As a result, James is joined on his apartment-touring quest by a guardian angel named Angel. Try not to think about that.

The antidote to this fatally bad fanfic comes it the form of Cody Baier's riotous review, which won him 2nd place in the "So Bad It's Scary" Fanfic Mockery Contest, and the respect of Silent Hill fans everywhere. Despite having no experience with the games himself, Cody doesn't hesitate for a moment before charging in and deftly dismantling this load of literary lunacy piece by piece. It's still entirely possible that reading this fanfic will lead to your unimaginably violent death, but hey, at least you'll get to die laughing. And really, in a world where someone who wants other people to call him "Poof Chicken" can write a tale based on a game in which a man confronts living visions of his own most twisted nightmares and somehow manages to make his story more disconcerting than the source material, death shouldn't even sound all that bad. - Alex

Guest Special: "Angels Fall"
(A 'Silent Hill 2' fanfiction by Poof Chicken)

Reviewed by: Cody Baier

Since Halloween is all about horror, I figured what better way to horrify you than with a Silent Hill fanfic that revolves around PYRAMID HEAD SEX! I don't think I need to tell you that this is a dirty one, folks. All the original stomach-turning insanity is in red, with my comments in white...

Author's Note.

GRRRRR! Why is it when I submit a chapter, I come back later to find errors in the story that I haven't done?! D=

God's trying to send you a subtle message. See if you get it...

'The Queen' is the armless demon in the notsoknownabout video 'Fukuro'.

To warn everyone, this will be a torture/sex story. Not lovey dovey Pyramid Head wants to protect his girl story. O.o

They have those? 'Cause if they do, I am SO there! I'm all about that Pyramid Hero sheet!

The character I made in this story, 'Angel' as I call her, I would like to give her another name but who knows what they name eachother in Heaven >.> So I named her Angel, and she's an Angel so BLARGH.

I woulda thought that, y'know, religions would've had some good references as to what angels name each other. 'Cause an angel named Angel seems pretty stupid. Although, that does explain what was up with my friend's mom, when she named him "Black Guy".

I will try to not make Angel a Mary Sue or whatever you guys call it, but I'm not very experienced in writing so it may suckage.

Oh, no, I'm sure it will.

No sex in this chapter unless you count the first scene sex.

If you don't count that one sex scene, there's no sex scenes...?!

I will update my other stories soon.

Enjoy.

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"Bring them here, bring them to me" The Queen squirmed uncontrollably in her place, her head lolling, her legs opening like a baby bird's mouth, hungry for food.

The story's just started, and we've already been hit with one of the most ridiculous similes ever written...

Pyramid Head approached The Queen slowly, a squealing Mannequin kicking vigorously in his clenched fist.

Mannequin IV: GOOD LORD HE'S GONNA KILL ME!

He lifted the Mannequin and grabbed its other kicking leg, yanking it open none too gently. The Mannequin shrieked in terror, fighting against her captor. She didn't want to die. Pyramid Head grunted and carefully set the Mannequin against The Queen. The Queen moaned and arched her hips forward.

So, wait, what's going on here?! I'm confused... I thought there was no sex in this story...

"Do it!" she demanded impatiently. Pyramid Head pierced the Mannequin like a powerful train, causing the creature to jerk in pain and shriek louder.

He adjusted his feet to give himself better leverage, he looked up and eyed the Queen's, licking unseen lips.

They have mouths?! And tongues?! And why is Pyramid Head violating a store mannequin at the behest of what is either a female ruler, or a gay guy? Am I missing something?! I mean, I know I am, but you'd think this guy would've considered the feelings of someone who's never played any of the Silent Hill games.

Pyramid Head pumped his hips, growling as he did so. The Queen moaned in bliss, feeling the dying flesh in between her legs.

Forget black dick, the best dick is corpse dick!

FUCK THAT CADAVER, HONEY! MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO THAT THERE PENIS BEFORE IT ROTS AND FALLS OFF!

The Mannequin thrashed and screamed, which only turned The Queen more on.

The Red Pyramid hit the victim harder and faster, meaning to please The Queen.

What is going on in this scene?! It's like reading an Escher painting!

A sickening crack, a spurt of red. The Mannequin shuddered as it began dieing.

The Queen relished this part of the sex. Pyramid Head grunted as he pressed his hips harder into the bloody flesh.

Hey, check it out kids! It's a Silent Hill snuff film, kinda-sorta! And someone's probably beating off to this story right now!

Blood squirted everywhere, spraying all over both the Queen and Pyramid Head. The Mannequin died in a quivering sigh. Pyramid Head went limp and let the Mannequin sink into a bloodied pile of blood.

Now remember, there is NO SEX in this story! Don't even THINK that there is, with that stupid pile of stupid that you call your brain!

The Queen lolled her head in pleasure. Pyramid Head approached slowly, running strong fingers along The Queen's thighs.

She moaned in bliss, more from the pleasure of her recent activity than at Pyramid Head's attempts. Pyramid Head pressed his groin gently against her, wanting her.

Yeah, I got why he's dry humping her. Unless you think it has other uses...

"Hey, Poof Chicken."

"Hey, Marty."

"Why're you rubbing your crotch on my leg?"

"Just sayin' hello, man!"

"Well quit humping me, I gotta--"

"YOU LET ME GREET YOU UNTIL I FINISH!"

Suddenly Pyramid Head staggered backwards, nearly tripping. She had kicked his helmet with great force.

Pyramid Head backed away, almost shamefully.

Awwww, even Pyramid Heads can feel shame... Unlike Poof Chicken...

"Fool, you think you have the right to share flesh with me?" Her eyes burned hatred. "To press your rotting cock within me?"

...I thought you just said she liked rotting dick...

Pyramid Head stood silently, taking her ridicule. He clenched his fists, cracking his knuckles in the process.

One day he would have her.

There's always rape...

______________________

He was an attractive man.

The Pyramid Head?!

Lost and frustrated, he wandered the desolate apartment complex. How he came to be in this place and this situation he did not know. The only action he apprehended was that he had to find his wife Mary. James shook his dirty blond head disheartiningly. How could he really believe that the letter he recently obtained was from his dead wife Mary? James shuffled along the eery hallways. A few feet ahead of him glided an Angel. His Angel. She turned her fair head to look back at him.

I'm confused again... So, now there's some guy, and an Angel named Mary, who was dead, but really isn't, and she mailed him?!

"Poor soul..." she said with pity. No matter how long he searched for his wife, he wasn't going to find her. The Angel extended a delicate hand to stroke Jame's blond bangs. James brushed an invisible itch away. Angel sighed, it was difficult to be attached to a soul such as James' and not have him see or understand her. It was a great responcibilty, to hold the position of Guardian Angel, to protect a soul.

Yuu shud lern too spel.

Suddenly Angel stopped. Something wasn't right. An evil aura burrowed its way into her very being. She stared into the darkness, sensing great manevolence. James suddenly came to a halt as well, his flashlight blazed brilliantly on some sort of large, red, THING.

HOLYFUCKFECES! Whoo! Scared me, there!

Angel moved in between the monster and James at once. She eyed it suspiciously. The red monster lingered dangerously.

"Whoa now, Ted! That's some dangerous lingering you're doing there!"

Even though she was an angel, incapable of worldly pain, she still felt the fear crawl into her heart.

The red figure continued to tower there, deadly still.

"Oh god, he was so friggin' still that he killed her! I don't even know how that happened! Seriously!"

James backed off a bit, he also felt the evil of whatever that thing was.

Angel tugged at James, giving him the feeling of retreat. Finally James backed off. Whatever that thing was, it was behind steel bars. It wouldn't be able to have the opportunity to attack James even if it wanted.

Wait, where'd the bars come from? And if it was behind some bars, why did the angel get all up in its THING grill?

Angel sighed, she couldn't understand how or why they found their way into this Hell world. She had never been to Hell, but somehow she knew Hell was what they were in.

Obviously she's never been to San Francisco! A-BA-ZING!

She watched James as he continued to explore the apartments.

"Sorry to barge in, ma'am! Just exploring the apartments! Nice ones, by the way!"

"Oh, pardon me, folks! Just exploring the apartments! Hey, whatcha watchin'?! Oooo, I love that show! Pass the popcorn!"

"S'cuse me, sir, just exploring the apartments! Man, what IS that smell in here, and why is that naked Filipino boy screaming some word to me in his language?! What does it even me--liver? Sure, I'd love some!"

Her heart heavied with sorrow. James was searching for a non existant person.

This fanfic's proofreader?

Too many times had she wanted to embrace James and have him know she was there. That she had always protected him, even when he was a small child. She wanted to smile and tell him it would be alright, that it was not time to die, that she would keep him safe.

This story is insipid and lame. No joke there. Just gettin' that out there...

Angel sat on an arm chair in the corner, completely invisible to all. She watched James as he tried to configure the grandfather clock puzzle.

"No, no, you're turning it the wrong--Nope, the other way. You have to get the little hand to--No, you can't--Oh, for fuck's sake, I'll do it!"

Why there was a puzzle inside a clock she did not know, nor did she completely understand why James was trying to figure the thing out.

Oh m'gawd Chicken Poop done made funna da game AH-HUR! HE DONE CLEVERED ME OUT!

Angel shook her head, her long, straight, white hair drifting weightlessly around her dainty shoulders.

Sounds like a shampoo commercial...

A satisfying click brought Angel back to reality. James congratulated himself over his accomplishment.

"Oh James, you magnificent, clock-beating bastard! If it tells time, you KNOW I'll kick it's friggin' ASS! I am ALL about the grandfather clock puzzles! Unh!"

The grandfather clock slowly slid from its place, ancient dust falling soundlessly to the floor. The creaking noise filled the entire room then stopped. James drew up his courage and slipped inside.

"Man... Sure is cramped in this grandfather clock... Why'd I climb in here, anywa--AAAH! SPIDER!"

James assured himself. "Your one stop closer to finding her." He ran his hands along the black walls, making sure not to trip.

Who's one step? Mine?!

Angel got up and glided towards the secret entrance, right after him. Immediately she felt immense evil coming from the next room.

Angel stopped abruptly. How could she have been so stupid? Why was she not able to feel it before?

Because she's stuck in an inept story written by a German Shepard that learned to type in English with its paws?

Growing afraid Angel chased after James. She entered the next room only to find James had already darted into a closet.

James often played hide-and-seek in evil passageways. Unfortunately, his uncontrollable giggling would always lead the monsters, and anyone who was "it", right to him...

A high pitched squeal caught Angel's attention. She stared in horror. That same red monster. She could see him clearly this time. He had a muscular yet lean body, sitting atop his firm shoulders and completely masking his head was a giant, crimson, metallic helmet.

Angel covered her nose with her sleeve. It reeked. The red monster grasped the legs of a squirming four legged mannequin.

Mannequin V: Raped By The Red Power Ranger

Angel wrinkled her nose in disgust. What was this?! These mannequins moved, they had flesh, they cried in pain, they bled. But how?

Through the power of IMAGINATION!

The Mannequin squealed and fought with all her might to escape her tormentor.

The red monster pounded into her then broke her, he pushed harder, killing her. Angel backed into a corner, completely revolted. She knew she couldn't be seen, but she was ashamed to admit, she was afraid.

Was that a sexual pounding? 'Cause if so, Chicken Little lied again...

The red monster shuffled slowly into the room, dragging the half dead mannequin with him. He watched the mutilated meat squeal one last time before it died. Angel turned her head away, afraid and repulsed. She moved infront of the closet that James was hidden in, doing anything in her power to keep him hidden. The red monster moved forward then halted.

...GREEN LIGHT! RED LIGHT! ....GREEN LIGHT!

He stared right at Angel.

Angel stiffened. Was he really looking at her?

The red beast gestured towards her.

"My, my, my, what have we here? How is it that something so pure, so innocent, found her way to Hell?"

Took the wrong friggin' turn at Albuquerque. That's what did in Bugs Bunny...

Angel glared. So they WERE in Hell, but how?

She clenched her fists. This monstrosity was a demon.

Damn. Had it pegged as a children's entertainer...

"James is a tainted soul, he is a sinner, an embodiment of evil, why is it that an angel is still by his side?" The Red Pyramid asked in irritation.

I thought the Pyramid Heads didn't talk... Eh, I don't play the games. A better question would be why he hasn't made sweet, sweet love to that meat he's dragging around yet...

Angel drew herself up. "He is a guilt riddened soul, and he has sinned, but it is not his time to go. He can still be saved, and I will help him."

The Red Pyramid growled in annoyance. "Fool of a girl, do you really think he can be saved? He will be punished, and I am the one who will lay the punishment. A small bird such as yourself can only dream of stopping me."

Awwwww nah he DIH-ENT! He just TOLD YOU, girl!

Angel took a step forward, a weapon bathed in light appeared in her hands. A smiting hammer from heaven.

You can tell it's a smiting hammer, 'cause it's got "FOR SMITING ONLY" engraved on the side.

"Honest Joe's Smiting Hammers! For the instrument of God, who needs an instrument of God!"

Pyramid Head tilted his head back as if to laugh. "And what do you plan to do with that? Have you forgotten where you are? You are in Hell, you are powerless here, and powerless against me. God cannot help you now."

"I have more than enough to kill you." Angel snarled. She got into a defensive stance.

Oooooo, it is OW-UN now! Awwwww YAY-UH!

Pyramid Head growled. "If it is your job to protect him, then why must he hide himself? It looks as if you are not adequate, nor are you capable of defending the sinner, he is enough demon as I am." Pyramid Head slowly advanced towards Angel and the closet that concealed James.

So far, this confrontation has amounted to "you suck", "no, you suck!"

Angel clenched her fists, ready to swing the weapon if he got too close. Suddenly the room was echoing with the sound of gunshots.

This had startled Pyramid Head and even Angel. James had seen the Red Pyramid advancing, and in terror he panicked and started shooting the offender.

Finally, James comes out of the closet! HUR-HUR!

Angel watched Pyramid Head retreat. She remained where she was. For the very first time in her existence, she had felt useless and afraid. Who was he?

...Why'd he leave?! So a heavenly hammer of smiting doesn't bother him, but a handgun that was laying around in a closet does? Huh...

After ten minutes James emerged from the closet, shaken and bewildered.

...He was still in the closet?! Then how--aw, fuck it!

Angel's heart crushed at the site of him. He seemed to have suffered worse than her. She leaned over him and wrapped her arms around him as a mother would her child. They had to find their way out of this place. It was not James' time to go.

Hooray for random sentences! Hamsters are smaller than dogs! I ate some potato chips today! The cheetah is the fastest land animal! The weatherman said it would rain tomorrow!

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Reviews are appreciated, constructive critism welcomed.

How do you feel about knives being driven into your throat? Fan? Not a fan? 'Cause I'ma do it...

-Written by Cody Baier.