Because of the way this website
is formatted, the initial information provided for the
fanfiction featured in this review makes it clear that it's
based on Death Note before you even read the first line.
I apologize for this, since that information is technically a
spoiler that you, the reader, weren't supposed to be aware of
just yet... "How the hell could knowing what series the story is
based on possibly be a spoiler?" If that's the question that
just popped into your mind, then congratulations on not being an
"The Beautiful Family" is a lifeless mystery/horror fanfiction
that attempts to convey both a sense of mystery and horror
through the same brilliant method: By never once allowing the
reader to understand what the hell is going on at any point
during the story. Unfortunately, in trying to intrigue and
terrify his audience, the author only succeeds in confusing and
infuriating them, thanks largely to his refusal to even name any
of the characters until his closing notes. "Oh my God, that's
one of the most retarded things I've ever heard of in my entire
life!" If that statement just popped into your mind, then again,
I must congratulate you on not being an idiot.
I could ramble on for quite a few more paragraphs and go into
great detail about all that makes this fanfic such a stunning
failure, but I needn't bother, because the talented Liz Hastings
makes a fine tour guide to lead you through this maze of
bafflingly vague descriptions. Her review of this dysfunctional
piece of fiction won her 1st place in the "So Bad It's Scary"
Fanfic Mockery Contest held on the PA forums back in '06. Her
quick wit and cynical critiquing style proved to be a winning
combination, and accomplished the near impossible task of making
"The Beautiful Family" an entertaining read. Just be warned in
advance that, as amusing as Ms. Hastings' commentary is, it
won't do a damn thing to make the fanfic any less
incomprehensible. - Alex
Guest Special: "The Beautiful Family"
(A 'Death Note' fanfiction by
The Magician Fuuma)
Well, here's my entry for the "So Bad It's Scary"
contest! The author goes by name The Magician Fuuma, and the
title of the fanfiction is "The Beautiful Family".
The fun and interesting part of this fanfiction is how
mysterious it is! And by "mysterious", I of course mean the
author doesn't really give any hints at all as to what the
source material is until the very end of the fic. I'm dead
serious. By that, you can obviously tell that words like
"fun" and "interesting" have about as much meaning in the
fanfiction realm as terms like "in character" and "coherent
plotline". So, I've decided hold off saying what this fic is
based on in order to let all of you experience the same
utter confusion that I had to go through when I first laid
eyes on this horrible, horrible excuse for
Yeah, I'm still continuing Don't
Say A Word, but I just wanted to write something closely
reminding horror... (after watching too much Silent
Hill-videos and watching my friend play Fatal Frame...the
scariest games ever...(no, I haven't played either. And I
really don't want, I'm such a scaredy-cat.)
I remember the days when horror movies/video games used to
scare me, too. Then I started reading fanfiction, and I
haven't been able to stop laughing since...
Just...something weird. There's
really nothing to say, really.
He has always been such normal boy, they all say. The
neighbours, the teachers.
Oh, don't even get me started on that. It's always
the quiet ones.
Although he always smiles like he
knows something nobody else does.
Boy: I wonder how long it's going to take Mrs.
Fergunstonvelmira to realize she's eating her own dog...
Such a nice, normal boy.
Although he lives in that mansion. Yes, that one. That
one with that past. That horrifying past.
The day of the cosplay convention would indeed haunt every
single person in the town for many years to come...
That boy lives there, only a
teenager, with his loving parents, with his loving little
That's...really, really wonderful. Really, it is.
So, are you at least going to have the decency to tell us
what's going on? I mean, come on! I've heard of vague
expositions, but this is just ridiculous.
Even though everyone fears the
mansion, that great house with creaking doors and two
windows with spider webs, everyone still says 'what a
beautiful family they are.'
Their names are not that important, not, because their home
is the mansion with the bloody, gruesome past.
Didn't you just say that no one cared about the house
they live in because they're such nice people?
Where did all the inhabitants go
Where everyone goes when they just can't take the pressures
of suburban living... Florida.
Why, when every time some passer-by
sees the boy with dark hair playing in the yard, why does
his apathetic face have so many bruises, why do his eyes
look so dark? Why does the little sister, that sweet little
sister look so sad as she walks down the porch of the house?
You might think it's strange that these are the kind of
people the neighbors look up to until you realize that they
live in haunted houses themselves. Only, their "houses" are
made out of sticks.
Beautiful family, yes, but why does
the mother cry every time she is on the garden, tending the
blood-red flowers? She sees names written on them, she
sees long lost faces and cries in fear.
Yeah, I think we've pretty much established that everyone in
this story is psychotic. Can we get to the plot now?
Honestly, the author has not only neglected to tell us who
these characters are, with no mentions of the source
material anywhere to be seen, but so far the "original" plot
is so contrived and unfathomably boring that I'm no longer
wondering why all these characters are so insane.
The father is quiet. Always. He
never speaks, only nods, or shakes his dark hair. Never
there is a change in his figure. Always the same, always.
The boy fears his father, but never says a word. The little
sister loves her father, but she never says anything either.
Sounds like someone has no idea what kids are like...
The boy's left eye is black.
His right eye is white.
A monster child, they sometimes say.
The hell? Did we just time travel back to the Puritan era or
something? Well, tough luck, kid. Looks like there's gonna
be a witch-burnin' tonight!
A normal, nice child, but a
monster, always a monster. His little sister doesn't
understand. She is such a innocent creature, this world is
not meant for her.
I guess she has to die too, then. It's only logical.
He is a hard worker at school,
doesn't have friends – they are scared – but
survives. He draws gruesome pictures of sorrowful creatures
in the art class, makes the photos flow from inside of him
with power. Figures of suffering people.
Hey, I wonder if we're in any of those "suffering people"
drawings... I'm sure this fanfic is stupid enough to qualify
as some sort of torture device.
He says they are not people, but
descendants of something so evil their little heads will
never understand. They say they like him, never
admitting that it's fear, not admiration that keeps them
from talking to him.
He doesn't need others, he says and turns his mismatched
eyes away, not wanting to see them anymore.
Actually, he sounds like a pretty typical teenager to me. A
rather angsty teenager, but a typical one nevertheless.
His father hits him often. The
little sister cries when that happens.
'You did that again! Damn you, you cursed child, damn you!'
Father: *finishes beating child* Alright, consider that a
warning, you little punk. But if you so much as look
at the remote when I'm watching sports ever again, I'll put
you in your grave! Do you hear me?! YOUR GRAVE!
He yells, and the boy cries. But
when the father turns around, the boy grins and reveals his
too white, too sharp teeth. Some day I'm going to kill you,
his eyes say, but the boy never does anything. Still
pretending to be the perfect little son for the perfect
little family. The mother smiles at him, but cries when they
The more I think about it, the more I realize that with a
few character adjustments, this would make a great "horror
parody" of that show Full House... Oh, the possibilities are
It is a dark night. The mother and
the father sleep, like they sleep every night. The boy is
awake and sits beside his window. The little sister
sleeps always beside him these nights. He hears the
creaking doors, hears the silent voices of the haunting
I really wish I knew the logic behind those randomly
italicized sentences... Maybe they're supposed to be EXTRA
SPOOKY or something. Also, how the heck can you hear "silent
There are ghosts. Ghosts looking
for revenge, ghosts wanting to be freed. And ghosts that
just cry, cry; cry all day, all eternity.
Ghost 1: *sniffle* So, I jumped into the fire to rescue my
winning lottery ticket, but it turned out that it was only
worth one million dollars instead of thirty
million like my stupid sister told me!
Ghost 2: Aw, dude, that sucks. Is that how you died, then?
In the fire??
Ghost 1: Oh, no. I had a little...accident with the
homemade bungee jumping kit that I bought with my
winnings... Oh, wait, where was I? Oh yeah... *continues
The boy believes that his mother
is one of them, because she always cries because of the
faces and bloody names on the bloody roses.
Er... Wait, what? Isn't he missing something vitally
important, here? Like, how his mother would have to be DEAD
for her to be a ghost?
He likes stories that his mother reads to him and his little
sister sometimes. She fears, but the boy laughs and enjoys.
The little sister doesn't like them, but she tries not be
scared. Always stories about ghosts, ghosts, and evil things
lurking around. In this very mansion, at least.
Was that second "ghosts" added for emphasis, or was the
author just trying to remind us that we're supposed to be
feeling scared and confused by this point?
The father hates those stories. He
says that the ghosts aren't real, they aren't real, you
idiot, you hear me?
Seriously, this entire family needs to be on freakin'
anti-depressants or something...
But when the boy finds his
father hanged from the roof, he smiles and says:
"Yay! I finally decided to stop being such a whiney little
wuss so I could move the story along!"
'You see now, Daddy? They are
His face is all black and full of fear and suffering and
pain and his hands are stuck in one position like he had
tried to take off the strangling ropes. Yes, ropes, holding
now his ripped arms up, his broken neck hanging.
Boy: Bet you wish you'd given me that raise in my allowance
now, huh Dad..
'You are now like the Christ, Daddy, do you see? What a
pretty sight.' The boy says and giggles.
OK... I'm attempting for a moment to contain my rage at that
blatantly blasphemous bit of babbling bogusness to point out
that that sentence makes about as much sense as me saying
that this fanfiction author is like a pig, just because I'm
going to hog-tie her and cook her over an open fire on a spit.
The Mother is sad. She is sad, like she is always. Ever and
always and the boy hugs him only to bit her arm, making her
She never believed in those ghost stories, she never did, as
much as the boy wanted her to do.
Blood is such a beautiful thing to exist, now, isn't it?
Sure is. It helps keep you alive, you know. =D
The boy licks it and giggles, showing his teeth colored now
in red. The mother screams and then there are arms, arms
everywhere, touching her, grapping her, voices whispering,
shouts, pained shouts of the people long lost.
Wait, what people? The ghosts? The flowers? The local
college frat boys? Dang it, I hate it when people think that
a bewildering lack of details equals terror...
And the boy holds her and says it's okay, although smiling
with his red teeth.
With a sickening crack, the Mother's neck is broken and her
face twisted in pain.
And the boy's eyes widen and then they are closed. Such
pleasure. Such pleasure!
I wonder if the boy is actually killing his family himself
or if he's just watching the ghosts do it... I just want to
know which characters I need to thank for making sure this
"story" doesn't go on any longer than it has to.
"Big brother?" There's a voice and the boy turns around. His
little sister stares at him with wide eyes, tears on her
The boy smiles, his last, gentle smile and embraces his
'Bye, bye, baby sister.'
Her twisted body falls to the floor.
Ah, so he used the ol' "non-descriptive psychic death
device" on her. Works every time.
The boy turns and licks his lips, madness revealing itself
in his eyes. Such a beautiful thing. But it is no more. No
Zip-a-dee doo-da! Zip-a-dee-eh! My, oh my, what a wonderful
And the ghosts of the past still scream, scream in their
agony, kill everything on their way. They can't escape, no,
but they try. Oh, how do they try...
Wait, so were the ghosts killing the boy's family members or
was it the boy?! Damn it, now I don't know who to send the
"Thank You!" card to...
I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was thinking. It wasn't even
And yet here it is, on the internet. I guess I can't really
say I'm surprised, but that doesn't make it any less stupid.
And... if anyone did guess, it was
Raito and Sayu and their parents.
Well, gang, it looks like this mystery's finally been
solved! Time to take the unmasked criminal to jail so she
can stop writing terrible Death Note fanfics! The internet
is safe once again!
That sure was a trip. I'm still debating with myself if it's
actually better to know, or not to know what this fic is based
on. I could obviously see that it somehow related to Death Note
because of FanFiction.net's categorization system, but that
didn't make it any easier to read. Not in the least. And the
story was so nonsensical... Always talking about this "morbid
past" that it never actually explains, and deciding that vague
character descriptions were perfectly a suitable substitute for
an actual plot... I'm not that far into Death Note myself, but I
don't believe for one second that a thing that happened in the
above fanfiction actually took place in the story.
Well, thanks for reading. I hope it wasn't too painful...
-Written by Liz Hastings.