Because of the way this website is formatted, the initial information provided for the fanfiction featured in this review makes it clear that it's based on Death Note before you even read the first line. I apologize for this, since that information is technically a spoiler that you, the reader, weren't supposed to be aware of just yet... "How the hell could knowing what series the story is based on possibly be a spoiler?" If that's the question that just popped into your mind, then congratulations on not being an idiot.

"The Beautiful Family" is a lifeless mystery/horror fanfiction that attempts to convey both a sense of mystery and horror through the same brilliant method: By never once allowing the reader to understand what the hell is going on at any point during the story. Unfortunately, in trying to intrigue and terrify his audience, the author only succeeds in confusing and infuriating them, thanks largely to his refusal to even name any of the characters until his closing notes. "Oh my God, that's one of the most retarded things I've ever heard of in my entire life!" If that statement just popped into your mind, then again, I must congratulate you on not being an idiot.

I could ramble on for quite a few more paragraphs and go into great detail about all that makes this fanfic such a stunning failure, but I needn't bother, because the talented Liz Hastings makes a fine tour guide to lead you through this maze of bafflingly vague descriptions. Her review of this dysfunctional piece of fiction won her 1st place in the "So Bad It's Scary" Fanfic Mockery Contest held on the PA forums back in '06. Her quick wit and cynical critiquing style proved to be a winning combination, and accomplished the near impossible task of making "The Beautiful Family" an entertaining read. Just be warned in advance that, as amusing as Ms. Hastings' commentary is, it won't do a damn thing to make the fanfic any less incomprehensible. - Alex

Guest Special: "The Beautiful Family"
(A 'Death Note' fanfiction by The Magician Fuuma)

Reviewed by: Liz Hastings

Well, here's my entry for the "So Bad It's Scary" contest! The author goes by name The Magician Fuuma, and the title of the fanfiction is "The Beautiful Family".

The fun and interesting part of this fanfiction is how mysterious it is! And by "mysterious", I of course mean the author doesn't really give any hints at all as to what the source material is until the very end of the fic. I'm dead serious. By that, you can obviously tell that words like "fun" and "interesting" have about as much meaning in the fanfiction realm as terms like "in character" and "coherent plotline". So, I've decided hold off saying what this fic is based on in order to let all of you experience the same utter confusion that I had to go through when I first laid eyes on this horrible, horrible excuse for literature.

Enjoy!

Yeah, I'm still continuing Don't Say A Word, but I just wanted to write something closely reminding horror... (after watching too much Silent Hill-videos and watching my friend play Fatal Frame...the scariest games ever...(no, I haven't played either. And I really don't want, I'm such a scaredy-cat.)

I remember the days when horror movies/video games used to scare me, too. Then I started reading fanfiction, and I haven't been able to stop laughing since...

Just...something weird. There's really nothing to say, really.

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He has always been such normal boy, they all say. The neighbours, the teachers.

Oh, don't even get me started on that. It's always the quiet ones.

Although he always smiles like he knows something nobody else does.

Boy: I wonder how long it's going to take Mrs. Fergunstonvelmira to realize she's eating her own dog...

Such a nice, normal boy.

Although he lives in that mansion. Yes, that one. That one with that past. That horrifying past.

The day of the cosplay convention would indeed haunt every single person in the town for many years to come...

That boy lives there, only a teenager, with his loving parents, with his loving little sister.

That's...really, really wonderful. Really, it is.

...

So, are you at least going to have the decency to tell us what's going on? I mean, come on! I've heard of vague expositions, but this is just ridiculous.

Even though everyone fears the mansion, that great house with creaking doors and two windows with spider webs, everyone still says 'what a beautiful family they are.'

Their names are not that important, not, because their home is the mansion with the bloody, gruesome past.

Didn't you just say that no one cared about the house they live in because they're such nice people?

Where did all the inhabitants go from before?

Where everyone goes when they just can't take the pressures of suburban living... Florida.

Why, when every time some passer-by sees the boy with dark hair playing in the yard, why does his apathetic face have so many bruises, why do his eyes look so dark? Why does the little sister, that sweet little sister look so sad as she walks down the porch of the house?

You might think it's strange that these are the kind of people the neighbors look up to until you realize that they live in haunted houses themselves. Only, their "houses" are made out of sticks.

Beautiful family, yes, but why does the mother cry every time she is on the garden, tending the blood-red flowers? She sees names written on them, she sees long lost faces and cries in fear.

Yeah, I think we've pretty much established that everyone in this story is psychotic. Can we get to the plot now? Honestly, the author has not only neglected to tell us who these characters are, with no mentions of the source material anywhere to be seen, but so far the "original" plot is so contrived and unfathomably boring that I'm no longer wondering why all these characters are so insane.

The father is quiet. Always. He never speaks, only nods, or shakes his dark hair. Never there is a change in his figure. Always the same, always. The boy fears his father, but never says a word. The little sister loves her father, but she never says anything either.

Sounds like someone has no idea what kids are like...

The boy's left eye is black.

His right eye is white.

A monster child, they sometimes say.

The hell? Did we just time travel back to the Puritan era or something? Well, tough luck, kid. Looks like there's gonna be a witch-burnin' tonight!

A normal, nice child, but a monster, always a monster. His little sister doesn't understand. She is such a innocent creature, this world is not meant for her.

I guess she has to die too, then. It's only logical.

He is a hard worker at school, doesn't have friends – they are scared – but survives. He draws gruesome pictures of sorrowful creatures in the art class, makes the photos flow from inside of him with power. Figures of suffering people.

Hey, I wonder if we're in any of those "suffering people" drawings... I'm sure this fanfic is stupid enough to qualify as some sort of torture device.

He says they are not people, but descendants of something so evil their little heads will never understand. They say they like him, never admitting that it's fear, not admiration that keeps them from talking to him.

He doesn't need others, he says and turns his mismatched eyes away, not wanting to see them anymore.

Monster child.

Actually, he sounds like a pretty typical teenager to me. A rather angsty teenager, but a typical one nevertheless.

His father hits him often. The little sister cries when that happens.

'You did that again! Damn you, you cursed child, damn you!'

Father: *finishes beating child* Alright, consider that a warning, you little punk. But if you so much as look at the remote when I'm watching sports ever again, I'll put you in your grave! Do you hear me?! YOUR GRAVE!

He yells, and the boy cries. But when the father turns around, the boy grins and reveals his too white, too sharp teeth. Some day I'm going to kill you, his eyes say, but the boy never does anything. Still pretending to be the perfect little son for the perfect little family. The mother smiles at him, but cries when they turn around.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that with a few character adjustments, this would make a great "horror parody" of that show Full House... Oh, the possibilities are endless!

It is a dark night. The mother and the father sleep, like they sleep every night. The boy is awake and sits beside his window. The little sister sleeps always beside him these nights. He hears the creaking doors, hears the silent voices of the haunting ghosts.

I really wish I knew the logic behind those randomly italicized sentences... Maybe they're supposed to be EXTRA SPOOKY or something. Also, how the heck can you hear "silent voices"?

There are ghosts. Ghosts looking for revenge, ghosts wanting to be freed. And ghosts that just cry, cry; cry all day, all eternity.

Ghost 1: *sniffle* So, I jumped into the fire to rescue my winning lottery ticket, but it turned out that it was only worth one million dollars instead of thirty million like my stupid sister told me!

Ghost 2: Aw, dude, that sucks. Is that how you died, then? In the fire??

Ghost 1: Oh, no. I had a little...accident with the homemade bungee jumping kit that I bought with my winnings... Oh, wait, where was I? Oh yeah... *continues sobbing*

The boy believes that his mother is one of them, because she always cries because of the faces and bloody names on the bloody roses.

Er... Wait, what? Isn't he missing something vitally important, here? Like, how his mother would have to be DEAD for her to be a ghost?

-------------

He likes stories that his mother reads to him and his little sister sometimes. She fears, but the boy laughs and enjoys. The little sister doesn't like them, but she tries not be scared. Always stories about ghosts, ghosts, and evil things lurking around. In this very mansion, at least.

Was that second "ghosts" added for emphasis, or was the author just trying to remind us that we're supposed to be feeling scared and confused by this point?

The father hates those stories. He says that the ghosts aren't real, they aren't real, you idiot, you hear me?

Seriously, this entire family needs to be on freakin' anti-depressants or something...

But when the boy finds his father hanged from the roof, he smiles and says:

"Yay! I finally decided to stop being such a whiney little wuss so I could move the story along!"

'You see now, Daddy? They are real.'

His face is all black and full of fear and suffering and pain and his hands are stuck in one position like he had tried to take off the strangling ropes. Yes, ropes, holding now his ripped arms up, his broken neck hanging.

Boy: Bet you wish you'd given me that raise in my allowance now, huh Dad..

'You are now like the Christ, Daddy, do you see? What a pretty sight.' The boy says and giggles.

DSAFRDEATRPIOWJRTIAHSDFasidosiudhyfwqeqwieh!@!#$!! RRRAARRghhgmpuhmph!!

OK... I'm attempting for a moment to contain my rage at that blatantly blasphemous bit of babbling bogusness to point out that that sentence makes about as much sense as me saying that this fanfiction author is like a pig, just because I'm going to hog-tie her and cook her over an open fire on a spit.

The Mother is sad. She is sad, like she is always. Ever and always and the boy hugs him only to bit her arm, making her scream.

She never believed in those ghost stories, she never did, as much as the boy wanted her to do.

Blood is such a beautiful thing to exist, now, isn't it?

Sure is. It helps keep you alive, you know. =D

The boy licks it and giggles, showing his teeth colored now in red. The mother screams and then there are arms, arms everywhere, touching her, grapping her, voices whispering, shouts, pained shouts of the people long lost.

Wait, what people? The ghosts? The flowers? The local college frat boys? Dang it, I hate it when people think that a bewildering lack of details equals terror...

And the boy holds her and says it's okay, although smiling with his red teeth.

With a sickening crack, the Mother's neck is broken and her face twisted in pain.

And the boy's eyes widen and then they are closed. Such pleasure. Such pleasure!

I wonder if the boy is actually killing his family himself or if he's just watching the ghosts do it... I just want to know which characters I need to thank for making sure this "story" doesn't go on any longer than it has to.

"Big brother?" There's a voice and the boy turns around. His little sister stares at him with wide eyes, tears on her cheeks.

The boy smiles, his last, gentle smile and embraces his little sister.

'Bye, bye, baby sister.'

Her twisted body falls to the floor.

Ah, so he used the ol' "non-descriptive psychic death device" on her. Works every time.

The boy turns and licks his lips, madness revealing itself in his eyes. Such a beautiful thing. But it is no more. No more.

Zip-a-dee doo-da! Zip-a-dee-eh! My, oh my, what a wonderful day... =D

And the ghosts of the past still scream, scream in their agony, kill everything on their way. They can't escape, no, but they try. Oh, how do they try...

Wait, so were the ghosts killing the boy's family members or was it the boy?! Damn it, now I don't know who to send the "Thank You!" card to...

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I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was thinking. It wasn't even scary... --;;

And yet here it is, on the internet. I guess I can't really say I'm surprised, but that doesn't make it any less stupid.

And... if anyone did guess, it was Raito and Sayu and their parents.

Well, gang, it looks like this mystery's finally been solved! Time to take the unmasked criminal to jail so she can stop writing terrible Death Note fanfics! The internet is safe once again!

Bye bye.

-Written by Liz Hastings.