In my ongoing quest to discover
new and creative ways to rope other people into doing as much of
my work for me as possible, I've found that few methods generate
volumes of free, reader-created content as quickly as contests.
The "So Bad It's Scary" contest, which ran in 2006, succeeded in
producing a handful of great fanfiction reviews crafted by some
of the PA Forum's finest members. With interest in fanfiction
deconstruction (or should that be destruction?) having greatly
increased in the years that followed, 2011 seemed like the
perfect time to launch a new contest in which the next
generation of fanfiction critics could compete.
The "Love Sick" Fanfiction Review Contest tasked entrants with
hunting down stories containing themes of romance and ripping
them apart like a bitter ex violently shredding old love
letters. While all of the entries succeeded in taking the art of
hateful criticism to exciting new levels, there were a few that
stood out enough to deserve special recognition. One such
submission was forum regular Protto's review of a Death Note
fanfic that focused on the budding relationship between Ryuzaki
(otherwise known as "L") and an original character named Akahana.
Akahana will undoubtedly be remembered by Project AFTER readers
as one of the most thoroughly ill-conceived characters in the
history of amateur writing. An obvious self-insertion by the
author, Akahana is a gorgeous, multitalented genius who, much
like the rest of the characters in this story, happens to be a
Protto is all too aware of this fic's unrestrained bullshittery,
and doesn't hesitate to break down the walls of logical
contradictions and utter nonsense that hold up the debacle of a
plot. This one-man wrecking crew and his epic demolition of
"Death Note Ryuzaki's Friend" claimed third place in the "Love
Sick" competition, earning him the prize of having his work
featured here on the main site. Congratulations, sucker! - Alex
Guest Special: "Death Note Ryuzaki's Friend"
(A 'Death Note' fanfiction by DancingSamurai)
Happy Valentine's Day, everybody! Hey, what's that in the
air? Do you smell that? 'Cause I sure do! That's right,
folks, that's love! Oh wait, or is it that I just forgot to
turn off the stove again...? Ah well, it doesn't matter
because it's the season for romance. And when I say romance,
I, of course, mean heartbreak, crying, loneliness, alcohol
poisoning, jealousy, more heartbreak, candy, and shitty
Speaking of which, today's pick is a Death Note story
revolving around the blooming relationship between the
intelligent and idiosyncratic detective L—otherwise known by
his alias, Ryuzaki—and an original character created by none
other than the author, DancingSamurai. Now you might notice
that Ryuzaki is a bit unfaithful to his personality as
depicted in the anime and manga, lacking any trace of
intelligence or idiosyncrasy, but rest assured, this tale is
filled to the brim with strong characters that share a
touching and emotionally stirring passion that undoubtedly
makes it the love story of the century! Also, good news for
any of those thrill-seeking readers or individuals seeking
thought-provoking plot twists out there: your desires will
be satisfied once you get a load of all the heart-pounding
action sequences and startling revelations this fanfic holds
Let's get right into it, then. The story will be in
red, and I'm in white.
Oops, I should probably check my stove... Oh whatever, maybe
CHAPTER 1: THE NEW DETECTIVE
Ryuzaki looked up when he heard a knock at the door.
"Open up in there. This is the police. We have a warrant for
Watari opened the door and in came
a tall person in a trench coat, hat and sunglasses. Watari
closed the door and locked it. Ryuzaki looked at the person,
knowing who it was, but the other task force members having
Light: Judge Doom?
Chief Yagami: The Invisible Man?
Aizawa: Charden Flamberg?
Ide: Why are you wearing a hat, Laurence Fishburne?
Mogi: You better not be that damned rabbit trying to steal
my Trix again...
Matsuda: You idiot! I can tell it's you, Light!
The person removed the sunglasses
and they saw a pair of beautiful midnight blue eyes. The
person took of the trench coat, and appeared to be wearing
jeans and long sleeve shirt. They knew she was a girl now,
because of the graceful figure and beautiful eyes.
That conclusion was quickly discarded at the sight of the
large bulge in the crotch of the jeans.
When the hat was removed, golden
curls fell to her shoulders. Ryuzaki stood up, and Matsuda
could have sworn he saw a look in Ryuzaki's eyes he never
A mixture of shock and revulsion twisted Ryuzaki's face as
he stared at the stranger's poorly-concealed erection.
"Akahana," Ryuzaki said, hugging
"Hey, Ryuzaki," she said, her voice was sweet. They parted,
and Ryuzaki introduced the girl as being Akahana Zazuki. The
men nodded, and Chief Yagami asked Ryuzaki why he invited
the girl there.
Ryuzaki stared at Chief Yagami. "You really have to ask?
Just look at those knockers!"
"This, my colleagues, is my dearest
friend and great detective," Ryuzaki explained, which made
Akahana blush slightly
"Hello," Near said quietly.
"Hello?" Akahana asked.
The great detective, Akahana Zazuki, everybody! Doesn't know
what a greeting is but damn, does she have a sweet
"Near," Near told her, nodding his
albino head. Ryuzaki went to the kitchen to make tea, and
Akahana followed him, wanting to catch up with her friend.
"How's it been, Ryuzaki?" Akahana asked, getting teacups and
bags out of the cupboard.
"Good, you," Ryuzaki replied.
Ryuzaki: So how have you been... you... you, uh... dearest
friend of mine?
"Well, I haven't been adopted, and
doubt I ever will. My twenty-five year old brother is in
jail...again," she said, sighing.
"I'm sorry," Ryuzaki said sincerely. She shook her head, and
smiled a small smile.
Akahana: It's okay. I just hope getting raped a few more
times will finally sort him out.
"I don't care anymore," she told
him. He looked at her, not sure whether to approve or not.
They were silent for a moment; Ryuzaki got cake for himself
and pretzels for Akahana, remembering she loved salty
You'll never guess how he learned about that particular
Because she blew him, you see.
The teakettle whistled and Ryuzaki
poured tea into the five cups. While he poured the third
cup, his hand brushed against Akahana. He felt warmness in
his cheeks, but it quickly faded. They put the snacks and
tea on a tray, but before Ryuzaki picked it up, Akahana
kissed him on the cheek. At that moment though, Light Yagami
"Oh, am I interrupting?" he asked.
"No, why?" Akahana asked, proving the kiss innocent to
Ryuzaki, but odd to Light.
Light frowned, perplexed, as he carefully evaluated the
scene in his mind. Long hours on the internet over the years
had taught him that the only parts which women should
rightfully orally service were genitalia. What was Akahana
doing, stimulating Ryuzaki's cheekbone like that?
"They want to speak to you," Light
Akahana and Ryuzaki followed Light into the living room.
Ryuzaki sat in his odd position on the couch next to
Hey, so, quick question for ya, DancingSamurai: Where is
this all taking place again? For all we know, the characters
could be conversing in a summer beach residence rented to
them by a white supremacist family who uses it to house all
the enslaved Japanese people they've trafficked.
"Akahana, what do you think about
the case?" Light's dad asked.
"Well, what I think is something you have probably already
figured out," she said.
So she went home and the series progressed as originally
intended. The End.
"No, tell us what you think," he
"All right," Akahana complied rebelliously.
"Well, I know he's a student for a
fact, and the relative of one of the Kira investigators.
Ryuzaki sent me some pictures via email, a pen, notebook
sheet with a few of the names of dead criminals, and four of
the notes they wrote. He said that you all thought that Kira
wrote the notes and in the notebook with that pen, but that
Um, hold on a minute...
Yes, it's the same shipment of ink,
but there are no fingerprints on any of them,"
Hey, slow down...!
she paused to take a breath and a
sip of tea.
Thank you. I need a moment to sort this o--
"Look at the size of the writing,
the thickness of the lines differ, Ryuzaki said Kira sent
these to you. He's trying to make focus on something
unimportant, he's throwing you off," she concluded.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. So Akahana
thinks Kira is a student and is related to one of the
investigators because... AIDS is bad, I guess. And then
Ryuzaki thinks that some notes were sent to the task force
by Kira, who is trying to throw the police off by writing
with different pens that have no fingerprints on them and
use the same ink, by Akahana's logic. Okay, I think I
understand. These clues can only point to one possible
conclusion: DancingSamurai liked to lick the colorful paints
off her toy cars when she was a child. Case closed.
"How do you figure Kira is a boy,"
"Well, he hasn't killed any woman, has he?" she replied.
You're right. He's killed women. Or, you know, Kira
could be a man-hating feminist.
"Amazing," Chief Yagami said, "It's
the same pen ink, but different nib, so it can't be traced."
"How did you see that?" Matsuda squinted at the evidence
lying on the table.
"45/20 vision," said Ryuzaki, with an admiring look in his
eye, none of them had ever seen before.
Holy motherfucking bitchcock, that's amazing! Here's to
hoping that she can also shit out GOLD DIAMONDS and JESUS!
Then she'll be the most amazingest person in the history of
He seemed to be happy next to
Akahana, and the look in his eyes grew stronger as Light sat
down next to her, and she moved closer to L.
CHAPTER 2: STRAWBERRIES
Not included in
this chapter: SOUL REAPERS.
"This is where you will sleep," Watari led Akahana to a room in
between Ryuzaki's and Near's.
It was a kitchen with a worn-out cushion in one corner and some
old newspapers to go potty on next to it.
She thanked him, and he left. She found
clothes in a dresser, so she changed into pajamas, and sat on
the cot, looking around the room. There was knock on the door.
"This is the police again. We have another warrant. This time
for a strip search. So, uh, don't question it and let us in."
She got up and opened the door, to find
Ryuzaki. He hadn't changed and it was ten pm.
"I know you have the same sleep pattern as me," he entered the
room with a laptop in one hand, and a plate of strawberry
shortcake in the other.
Oh God, Akahana, get out of there! Trust me, he's not worth the
extra calories to your waistline or that marathon of
Smallville he's going to force you to watch.
"You remembered," she smiled as he sat
on the cot. She closed the door so as not to disturb anyone.
"It's only been three months," he commented, slicing a chunk of
cake with his fork, and putting it in his mouth.
"Only? Well, it's great to see you again, I was afraid we were
drifting," she admits.
"Course not, here, take this strawberry, that'll show you we're
not drifting," he said, picking up the fruit between his
forefinger and thumb.
As opposed to grabbing it between his clenched ass cheeks, I
"No thanks Ryuzaki," she replied,
"Really," he insisted.
"No, Ryuzaki, I just brushed my teeth, I'm fine," Akahana
laughed at his stubbornness.
Son of a—Just eat his strawberry, damn you! ...W-wait, no, I
didn't mean it like... um...
"No, really Ryuzaki-," Ryuzaki took held her face in one hand
and put the strawberry in her mouth with the other. She
swallowed it without chewing.
A whole strawberry, huh? Akahana seems pretty adept at
"Ryuzaki," she said sharply, "I have my
"What?" he asks.
"I can't eat with my retainer, Ryuzaki!" she told him. He put
down the cake.
"Jumping jellybeans!" Ryuzaki exclaimed before puffing out his
chest and declaring, "This looks like a job for... Heimlich Man-Euver!"
He then leapt forward and delivered a bone-crushing kick into
Akahana's abdomen, booming a hearty, "Wammy's Roundhouse!"
Ryuzaki watched on in pride as the young woman doubled over and
began to projectile vomit, glad he could prevent the consumption
of food involving correctional dentistry.
"I'm sorry," he said, reaching to hug
She let him hug her, but flung him to the floor when he pulled
away. She hadn't expected him grabbing her wrist, and she fell
on top of him. He tackled her to the ground playfully, like any
He then gave her a noogie and played bloody knuckles with her
before confiding in her about this hot detective chick who he's
known since childhood and whose mental image he masturbates over
when they're separated, like any friend would.
By the way, weren't they already on the ground?
They laughed, and the Akahana used
surprising strength to flip him over and pin him down. She
laughed, and then collapsed on him, feeling a closeness she
never felt with anyone.
"I missed you Ryuzaki, ever since you started the Kira
investigation, I've been alone," she told him.
Then get a cat or something. Seriously, stop trying to be a
detective just 'cause you're needy. You're not smart enough.
"I know, I'm sorry," he said, petting
her touching her beautiful hair.
Damn, Ryuzaki must be, like, the busiest guy ever. Talking,
petting, and touching hair? Next thing you know he's
going to be walking and chewing bubblegum at the same time.
"Ahem," said some from the doorway.
Akahana quickly rolled off Ryuzaki, and he helped her get up.
"Near," Ryuzaki said, blushing faintly.
"Am I interrupting something?" he asked, glancing from Akahana
For Christ's sake. I half expect the next time these two have
some sort of moment together, they're going to look up and find
an entire stadium has been built around them with an audience
size to match that of the Super Bowl's, with the color
commentator asking over the speakers, "Are we interrupting
something, or is it half-time?"
"No," Akahana answered, "What's up?"
"Well, I thought I heard Ryuzaki laugh," Near told them.
"I did," Ryuzaki assured him.
"Wait, you laughed?" Near asked. Ryuzaki nodded.
Even the characters in the story are amazed at how horribly
their personalities are portrayed.
"Wow, just wanted to make sure I wasn't
imagining things. G'night," Near closed the door.
Twenty minutes later:
Ryuzaki nearly jumped off the toilet in alarm when the bathroom
door was blown aside with an earsplitting crash. He stared in
shock and mortification at a perfectly unfazed Near standing in
the middle of the doorway.
"Wow, you really are taking a shit. Just making sure I wasn't
imagining things when I was peeping underneath the door. Well,
g'night!" chirped Near as he departed.
"You don't laugh?" Akahana asked
Ryuzaki as they sat back down on the bed.
"Not really, I've only really laughed with you," Ryuzaki flirted
accidentally. Akahana smiled at him, and kissed him on the cheek
again, like before, and she went right back to doing something,
so he knew it was innocent.
If you want to know what exactly Akahana was doing that made
Ryuzaki deem the kiss as innocent, call DancingSamurai at her
toll-free number now and pay only six easy installments of
$19.95 plus shipping and handling to get your very own Death
Note Ryuzaki's Friend: Ultimania Guide!
CHAPTER 3: FLIRTING
The next morning, Ryuzaki awoke on Akahana's floor.
Dazed, holding a bloody knife in one hand, covered in vomit...
He glanced at the clock that read 7:30
am. He had gotten probably two hours of sleep that night, but
felt well rested. He stood up, and saw Akahana playing on the
"What are you doing?" he asked curiously, sitting close behind
her to watch over her shoulder.
Wha--? But you just noted she was playing on the laptop! You
really suck at this whole "short-term memory" deal, dude.
"I'm just playing a game," she
answered. Ryuzaki knew the game, he had played it. It was an I
Spy game, a detective one. He looked at the hint bar, and saw
she had used none, though on level thirty.
"I Spy Detective Edition, Level 30 Bonus Round": Ted Bundy is to
Rape and Murder-by-Bludgeoning as Embezzlement is to _______. (DLC
provided by Scholastic Inc.)
"I like that game," Ryuzaki told her,
still watching over her shoulder.
"Me too," she said, as she finished the level, she turned her
head to see Ryuzaki, or rather, gaze cross-eyed into his brown
eyes, for he was extremely close.
Hey, so about that whole Kira thing...
She turned away, saved her game, and
closed the laptop.
"I need to shower," she declared, getting a pair of jeans and
t-shirt out of the dresser.
"Me too," he agreed and went to his room, thinking how stupid he
was for getting that close to her.
Getting closer than twenty meters to anything sporting a vagina
has always terrified Ryuzaki. But that wall with the glory hole
between his room and the girls' shower makes it all okay!
"Stupid, stupid, what if I kissed her
accidentally or something," he mumbled when his door was closed
and locked behind him.
Then maybe we can finally put an end to all that nonsense
involving yaoi pairings with Light.
"So you do like her!" said a familiar
from the closet.
"Ah!" Ryuzaki yelped, and jumped, seeing Near exit his closet.
"What are you doing in here Near!"
Near: Oh, whoops. I'm not interrupting by any chance, am
I—Oh, Akahana's not with you. Huh. That didn't quite go as I
"Well, I thought I would just ask you
if you liked her, but you just made it a whole lot easier for
me," the young man turned to leave the room, but Ryuzaki caught
"Why do you care? Not saying I do," Ryuzaki said.
"Well, I liked her, but didn't want to be the only one flirting,
so now that I know you have a crush on her, I can flirt," he
Wow, Near, way to go against the Bro Code.
"You better not," warned Ryuzaki.
"Why? You're flirting," Near told him.
And failing. Shit, I've seen comatose burn victims flirt better.
"One: I am not flirting with her, we
are just friends, and Two: since we are friends, I need to
protect her," Ryuzaki listed.
"Fine, don't worry, I won't flirt as much as you, geez," Near
said, turning to leave.
Seriously, guys, Kira's probably killing people by the hundreds
as we speak. Shouldn't we, ah, y'know, be focusing on that--
N-no? Talking about flirting? Oh... All right then...
"Don't Near, or you'll be off this case
in a split second," Ryuzaki said truthfully.
Your priorities all seem to be in order, Ryuzaki. Good for you.
This caught Near's attention.
"Fine, I won't flirt at all, but we all know you love her," Near
exited the room, leaving Ryuzaki feeling totally embarrassed.
During breakfast, everyone was quiet, even Matsuda who tried to
create talk. They ate their meal in silence, but Chief Yagami
said something that broke the silence.
"I want to flirt with Akahana, too!"
"Akahana, this headquarters is rather
large, how about you explore it a bit before beginning work."
That's what I said to my girlfriend yesterday. Only replace the
name "Akahana" with my girlfriend's name and the word
"headquarters" with "penis." Works like a charm every time.
"All right," she agreed, and took her
empty cereal bowl to the dishwasher, excused herself and walked
out of the room. Ryuzaki watched his friend go until she was out
of sight, turning to a hallway.
"Now, Ryuzaki. We have some serious business to talk about,"
Chief Yagami told him. Light looked at Near, who chuckled.
Near: Heheheheh. Good thinking, DancingSamurai. Reel the readers
in with dialogue that vaguely suggests the story is going
somewhere first, and then slam them with more pointless banter.
"Yes," Ryuzaki said, ignoring the two
chuckling young men.
"There's a rumor going around," Yagami tried to look very
serious, "That you have a thing for Akahana."
Of course... Shit, is anything going to happen? Like, I don't
know, people dying, or some genuine fucking romance?!
"What!" Ryuzaki exclaimed. Everyone
laughed, including the Chief.
Ha ha! Man, good times. Years from now, they'll look back on
this moment and realize how many people died while they did
absolutely nothing. Ah, stories for the grandkids, I tell ya.
"Don't get so uptight, Ryuzaki, we're
messing with you, but seriously, that is the rumor," Chief
Yagami said, trying to make light of the investigation.
Hell, did People magazine run it in one of their
articles? What was the headline? "Antisocial Teen Dream Brainiac
Has Crush On Dumb Bimbo"?
"Well I don't, all right!" Ryuzaki
said, his face blushing slightly and voice a bit louder than
"Yeah you do," contradicted Light and Near. Near pulled a
digital camera out of his pocket, and pressed the play button.
Some footage depicting Ryuzaki masturbating over a sleeping
Akahana began to roll.
They all watched as Near played the
video of Akahana falling on top of Ryuzaki, them pinning each
other to the ground, and finally when she collapsed on his chest
and he touched her hair. Now that Ryuzaki watched it, it seemed
an awful lot like flirting.
I honestly don't see what all this noise is about. Flirting is
so troublesome. If you really want her, Ryuzaki, just put some
roofies in her drink. Problem solved.
"And you don't have a thing for her,"
Matsuda said sarcastically.
"I don't see what's so wrong about that video! And for Christ's
Sake why are you grown men going on about this?" Ryuzaki wanted
This is actually a legit question. But god-fucking-damn, what
the cuntshit was up with the foul fucking language, bitchface?
"We're bored Ryuzaki, and thought it
was just a rumor, but seeing your reaction and that video, it's
hard to believe you don't not like her," Matsuda answered him.
Have fun telling the families of Kira's victims that you didn't
catch him earlier because you were bored and got distracted by
some bullshit high school relationship drama between one of your
investigators and his totally-not-girlfriend.
Ryuzaki left the table and went to find
CHAPTER 4: BRIGHT RED FLOWER
"Ryuzaki!" a scared Akahana exclaimed as Ryuzaki entered the
In her panic, Akahana hastily hopped off the half-naked Matsuda,
who looked from the stunned lad to the shamefaced girl before
inquiring innocently, "Am I interrupting something?"
"Hey, Akahana," Ryuzaki said.
"What's up, you seem annoyed?" she asked him.
It's only natural. Wouldn't you be annoyed if your
personality was mercilessly raped in a mediocre fanfiction?
"Oh, just some stuff with the others, nothing really major," He
This story's plotline in a nutshell...
She nodded, her midnight blue eyes glittered when the sun caught
them. Ryuzaki smiled, looking down at the floor, then stood
behind her to see what she was reading.
Detective Work For Dummies, read the title of the book.
"It's a book about solving equations," she showed the young man
standing close behind her, looking over her shoulder.
"Are you still having problems with those?" he wanted to know.
Akahana was a genius, though she struggled with certain
That's like saying, "Bob was a master chef, but boiling water
was quite a task for him!"
"I'm pretty much set on them, I mean, I still hate them, but I
can do them," she answrered, putting the book back in the empty
space on the shelf.
"Well, I hate vegetables, but you can't live without those,"
Ryuzaki said sarcastically. She nodded.
Obviously not quite sure how else to respond to that bizarre non
He showed her the other rooms she would need to know, like the
bathroom, music room, break room...
The TV room, the game room, the computer room, the observatory
room, the front yard room, the secret T-Virus research lab room,
Silent Hill 4: The Room, Tommy Wiseau's The Room...
The headquarters was a rather large place with varity of rooms.
He showed her where to find a phone, and how to call someone,
for she had never used a phone before, and didn't know how.
I'm so glad teams of highly-educated and skilled individuals are
employed to catch the worst criminals in this world.
"So this is the music room?" she asked, stepping into an almost
empty room with a piano in the center. He nodded, noticing her
eyes light up when they saw the grand piano. He closed the door
Ryuzaki: Perfect. Plan to lure the self-insert into a secluded
room by showing her a shiny novelty: successful. Once she's dead,
we can get back to the canon storyline.
"Want to play?"
"Really! sure," she said, wanting to show him the songs she had
This moment would go down in history as the day that Mary Had A
Little Lamb, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Santa Baby were
butchered beyond all recognition.
The played simple peices from the book at first, then ones that
they both had memorized from taking piano lessons together.
I really wish I had taken some piano lessons. Maybe I would be a
much better musician if I'd learned a varity of peices [sic].
Though Akahana was better than Ryuzaki, she made to comment,
only played the music. This was another reason Ryuzaki was
attracted to her; she was modest. He knew that one of the others
surely would have commented if they were better than him.
When they finished, he said: "Bright, red flower."
Uh, okay. Wait, let me try it:
"Dull, dumb story."
Hey, it is fun to say random four-syllable phrases!
She blushed, knowing what he was reffering to: her name. "We
better go," she suggested, and followed Ryuzaki back to the
CHAPTER 5: TEMPERS FLARE
Whoa! This chapter title actually seems to convey some hope that
something interesting will finally happen! Please don't burn me
Akahana sat on the floor, leaning against Ryuzaki's seat,
listening to the men talk.
"Well, we have to be open to the possibiltity!"
"But he didn't do it!"
"He couldn't have spread it to me! The furthest we've gone is
oral, and that doesn't count!"
"He could have!" They argued back and forth. They were talking
about the invetigators families, how they might be involved.
Akahana had her own suspicions about Light,
According to another display of Akahana's irrefutable logic,
Light is possibly Kira because Barack Obama is the 44th
President of the United States.
but kept quiet for awhile until saying:
"The family of the department can hack into their husbands' or
wifes' computer and get evidence, that's the only way Kira could
be doing this mass murder.
Er, the only way Kira can kill people is to obtain evidence that
the convicted criminals are... guilty?
Once something went into that computer, Kira knew about it, and
fixed his flaws. When you people stopped putting things in
computers, what happened?
They stopped operating properly? The world became a better place
once it was released from the slimy grip of the internet?
Kira stopped getting information so he couldn't update his
system when you figured something out. He's a student and a
Or he could just be a clever hacker. Or she could be a clever
hacker. Really, the possibilities are endless.
Everyone looked at her, but didn't feel the least uncomfortable.
Mostly because they'd heard all this nonsense before and decided
to pay her ramblings no mind.
"How do we know we're not Kira!" asked Chief Yagami angrily, not
wanting to admit to the possibility that one of his family
members- papticulary his son- could be Kira.
So it would be a little better if the suspicion were to fall on
papticulary his wife or daughter?
"I don't know how to prove to you that I am not Kira," she
answered truthfully, "But I do know that even if it were my
family, I'd suspect them too, and this is coming from an orphan
who's brother is in jail."
Good Lord above, trying to follow the reasoning in this story is
like trying to win the gold medal in the Olympic 100-meter dash
when you're a morbidly obese quadriplegic half-buried in
quicksand. Also, you're dead.
The men looked at her, unsure. Light sighed, and so did his
"I appreciate your honesty, Akahana, but unlike you, I have and
love a family," Chief Yagami said shaprly. She looked at him,
and bit her lip.
"Yes, and unlike you, I can admit when the one I love makes a
huge mistake," Akahana told him, then left the room.
No! Come back here, you bitch! You don't get to leave this story
before I do! THIS ENTIRE THING IS ALL YOUR FAULT GODDAMN IT!
CHAPTER 6: RUEFULLY FRIENDS
I really wish the author would stop promoting her new edition of
the Merriam-Webster Thesaurus.
Ryuzaki found Akahana in her room, sitting on her floor. She
looked at him, but they were both silent. Ryuzaki sat down next
"Did I make things bad?" she asked, looking at the floor in
front of her.
Honey, you have no idea. You ever read that one story you messed
up? It was... uh, what was the name...? Oh! Now I remember!
"Death Note Ryuzaki's Friend"!
"Uncomfortable, awkard, and Yagami is pretty thrown off, but
otherwise, it's all good." She smiled, though there was no
sarcasm in his voice.
"I was just frustrated, but meant it, he can't admit that his
son might be Kira, I can understand why, but he could drop out
of the investigation if he wanted," Akahana sighed, disappointed
with herself for losing her reasonable temer.
"At least you didn't completely blow on him like the last guy,"
Ryuzaki's right. Akahana really blew on the last guy, all right.
Taking the high road with that joke.
"What happened to that guy?" Akahana asked him.
"Oh, he yelled at Yagami about something, I don't know what
because I wasn't paying attention until he threw my cake at
Yagmi, then he stormed out, resigned the next day," Ryuzaki
"What was his name?"
"We can't tell anyone his name, because the police are trying to
track him down for assault, he threw the plate too," Ryuzaki
*gasp* You can't mean...
The-Plate-Thrower-That-Must-Not-Be-Named! The devil strikes
"Ouch," she commented.
I feel ya, darling. That logic hurt my brain, too.
"Anyway, my point, you're not going to be thrown off the case,
we've all had our bad moments," Ryuzaki took her hand and gave
it a slight squeeze, smiling at her.
"Even you?" she asked, surprised.
Ryuzaki: I... might have lost my temper at one point and accused
all black people of being Kira... Wish I'd at least said "black
people" at the time... Anywho, yeah, got into a lot of trouble
"Yeah, in fact, I kinda lost mine this morning," Ryuzaki
laughed. She looked at thim, her head tilted, not believing him.
She looked cute, and Ryuzaki wished she would kiss him again.
"Um...About? I um... was upset because Near had, um,
recorecorded when we, uh, tackled each other the day, and showed
it to everyone, after you left," He blushed, so he looked away.
"They said we were flirting."
"Can you imagine!? I'd be straight if we did that!"
"Oh. Ryuzaki, if that's what you're worried about- I wasn't-,"
she started, but Ryuzaki cut her off.
"Yeah, I know. I mean were friends," Ryuzaki felt something in
his heart twinge, like he regretted saying "friends."
He then felt something in his gut twist painfully, and he
regretted adding that "Colon-'Splosion" mix to the hot chocolate
he drank at breakfast.
"Right, and no one can take that away from us. You're my friend
and I'm yours, a camera can't mock us for playing," she said.
Akahana felt the same twinge in her heart, but didn't say
anything, instead she just swallowed.
Too easy, fic.
"Right," Ryuzaki replied, still holding her hand.
CHAPTER 7: SHINIGAMI AND CAMERAS
Oh boy! I hope this means Shinigami camwhores in this
chapter. It's the only thing that'll make me want to read more!
Ryuzaki and Akahana entered the living room, hand in hand, but
quickly separated when everyone looked at them.
"Yagami-," Akahana started.
Heavens, I hope she doesn't blow on the guy.
"No, Akahana, I need to apologize. I have been a little
protective and close minded when it comes to my family, but that
is only expected. I am ready to accept the fact that a criminal
is a criminal, no matter what," Yagami told her. Ryuzaki could
have sworn he saw light clench his fists when he said this.
GUILTY! Caught red-handed, douchebag! Take the lamp into
custody! Heheh, geddit? See, 'cause clenched fists and
"red-handed," plus Light's name wasn't, um, wasn't properly
capitalized...? Uh... THIS STORY IS AWFUL!
"Thank you, Yagami, but I really didn't need to be sharp with
you," Akahana, as always, wanted to blame something on herself.
What a self-sacrificing, noble soul of self-sacrifice and
"But if you hadn't of been, I wouldn't be as accepting. I can
see even more now why Ryuzaki is attra-," Yagami started.
"Ahem, Yagami, I think it should be time we get back to the
Oh no, please, don't trouble yourself. Take your time. Ignore
the mass graves where half the readers now call their final
resting spot after committing suicide from all that inane crap
from before. Just keep up the good work you've been doing up
Ryuzaki interrupted him, siganling to him to stop talking.
Yagami nodded slightly.
"Right, the case. I took in concideration your statement about
families of the Kira investigators, and put cameras and chips in
everyones houses, so we can watch them," Yagami informed the
Yagami: I've scheduled it so that I have nighttime bedroom and
whenever-a-female-goes-to-the-bathroom shifts. With my longtime
experience working as a detective, I feel I can investigate
these settings the best.
"Wait, Yagami, you have a wife and daughter, and so do the rest
of us," Matsuda said.
"I know, I thought that we would watch everyone for a week.
Well don't say that if Light's a suspect and in the same room as
But don't worry about vialation or anything, I thought that
Akahana would watch over our wives and daughters," Yagami nodded
toward Akahana, who took a deep breath.
'Finally,' Akahana thought, 'I can confirm whether or not other
women have a third nipple like me.'
"But what are we actually looking for them to do?" Matsuda
wanted to know.
"I have been reading and studying myths about Kira," Akahana
told them, "And i have come to the conclusion that we are
looking for someone to write in a notebook, possibly be talking
to someone- a Shinigami maybe.
Huh? Hey wait, what myths about Kira? Why would there even be
myths about him using supernatural notebooks? Where did she
research them? How did she find the time in the last two days
she's been here doing everything BUT work on the case? Hold up,
I gotta ask the author this.
Yo, DancingSamurai, what's up with all these plot contrivances—
DancingSamurai: Keep asking me things and I'll cut you.
See if they write in something mysterious, or open something a
How does one open something in a mysterious way? I unzip my fly
with a lighter; does that count?
"A Shinigami?" asked Ryuzaki, "A death god?"
"Yes," she replied, looking at the people who were looking at
her, Light was not present though.
"Well, we'll tell you if wesee any floating apples," Yagami
assured. She smiled.
Akahana: *thinking* Oh shit! These people actually believed me
when I mentioned Shinigami, and now they're telling me they see
levitating fruit?! Just keep smiling, Akahana, just keep
"I didn't even say that Shinigami like apples, you've been
looking into that too," she laughed.
"Well, like you said, I need to be open in accepting all
possibilities," Yagami smiled at her. He glanced at Ryuzaki who
was looking at her with an expression of gratitude and love in
his eyes. He smiled at the young man in love, but didn't say
For a second I was going to make a joke that Chief Yagami was
gay, but I think I've already harped on how much DancingSamurai
sucks with word placement enough as it is.
CHAPTER 8: PERCENTAGES
Current Reader Mortality Rate: 72%
Chance of Surviving Story: 0.0000000003%
Akahana watched Matsuda's wife prepare dinner, and then yell at
her sons for jumping on the couch. She was bored out of her
mind, and looked to other live recordings. They were doing
nothing suspicious, except adding a bit too much salt to some
On closer examination, the method with which they used to salt
their food was mysterious.
"Hey, Akahana," she looked over her shoulder to see Near
standing in the dorway, then come in and sit next to her. She
looked back at the TV's and greeted him.
"Why aren't you back in the Boy camera room?" she asked.
"I was told I could take a break, and could come in here as long
as I didn't watch the cameras," Near told her, looking at her
This is exactly what I imagine Near would say and do. Exactly.
"Heh, I wish I could, but there's no other girl to take my
place," Akahana said, her brain frying from boredness,
Jesus Christ... No, DancingSamurai, I don't believe it. Sorry. I
refuse to accept that you don't even know the word "boredom."
then she spotted something different on one of the TV's, and got
closer to it. looking.
This is like the. best style. of. writing. ev.er.
"What is it? Should call Yagami?" Near asked.
"Control your ADD, Akahana," she muttered to herself,
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh... Oh my God... That was
priceless... Never mind all that I said earlier, this story is
the told Near, "No, it was just a cartoon, it looked familair to
me, and it was, because it was something I used to watch a long
"You've got ADD?" he said, smiling.
"Sometimes, but it's not as bad as it was a few years ago," she
answered. He thought about this. How could this beautiful,
detective have an ADD thing, even if it was't that bad?
Aaaaaand back to puffing on my joint again.
"It was caused by traumatic events, Near, please stop thinking
about it," she said, not even glancing at him.
I'm glad the author spent so much of her time doing tedious,
eye-straining research into the subjects that appear in her
stories. Too bad they're completely wrong, though.
"How did you...?" he asked.
"You were silent, usually people make comments, so I thought it
was a sixty five percent chance you were thinking about it, and
I was right."
I don't think it's ADD that Akahana is afflicted with, it's
short-term memory loss. Near did make a comment, not a few lines
ago. Oh, and also stupidity, because what else is he going to be thinking
about three seconds after you randomly mention that you have ADD?
"You like percents as much as Ryuzaki?"
"I use them when needed.
"What if I said there was a ninety nine percent chance I loved
you?" Near asked as Ryuzaki entered the room.
Then there will be a 300% chance that I'll end my life by
castrating myself with a safety pin and succumbing to the
excruciating pain and blood loss. Compared to reading this
story, it seems so peaceful and easy...
CHAPTER 9: CAMERAS AND THE KIRA (MAYBE)
This is where the story starts to get a little better (not
"Near!" Ryuzaki said sharply.
"Ryuzaki! I..." Near tried to exlpain. Akahana wasn't allowed to
look away from the screens.
Because she was a woman! No wait, that's not how the joke
"You said you wouldn't!" Ryuzaki came towards Near, and picked
him up with surprising strength.
"Ryuzaki! Put me down you sadistic jerk!" ordered Near, hitting
his back with fists.
Ryuzaki: I told you not to throw fists at people, either! That
does it, say goodbye to these fists for the rest of the
"Go away," and Ryuzaki slammed the door in his face. He sat down
next to Akahana.
"What was that?" Akahana asked.
"I told not to...flirt with you, cause I knew you didn't feel he
same way towards him, and I didn't want him to ruin your
friendship with him," Ryuzaki lied, and thought 'nice save.'
That save was nice in the same capacity as the Westboro Baptist Church is an
advocate for homosexual rights.
"You're right. It be kind of awkward around Near. Thanks
Ryuzaki, but next time, can you be gentler?" she said, smiling.
That's what my girlfriend said to me last night. Except replace
the name "Ryuzaki" with "Ultra Master 3000."
"Yeah," Ryuzaki said, taking her hand in a friendly way, but his
face feeling warm anyway.
"Akahana! Ryuzak-!" came Matsuda's voice, then a slam at the
door. Ryuzaki went and opened it, seeing Matsuda holding his
shoulder in pain.
"What happened?" Ryuzaki asked/
That guy is so stupid he probably ran right into the door while
it was lo--
"I...The door...It was locked, I ran right into it," Matsuda
You son of a bitch.
"What is it?" asked the girl.
"It's the cameras, we think we found who might be Kira!"
Matsuda: Personally, I think it's that no-good rat Matsuda.
CHAPTER 9: ANAGRAM
As we all know, the number nine is immediately followed by
"Who?" asked Akahana, turning around, away from the TV's.
"We think it might be... Light Yagami," Matsuda answered.
Ryuzaki and Akahana exchanged looks, and followed Matsuda into
the other room.
You think it might be?! The hell?! You have the damn footage
taken from the cameras planted specifically in his room! What,
are you worried he might have been rehearsing for a play where
he kills people by writing their names in a notebook?
"This is the recording," Yagami said, as it were any other
criminal, not his son, though there was slight regret in his
No more secret late-night excursions into Light's room while his
son is sleeping for Chief Yagami.
They watched as they replayed. Light was in his room, and opened
a drawer on his desk. He pushed a pencil under it, and the a
plank of wood came up, and he pulled out a black notebook the
said 'Death Note' in creepy lettering.
So creepy was the notebook's writing that it instantaneously
entered into the category of mysterious. At last, the
perpetrator had been revealed thanks to hard evidence!
He then opened the notebook, and turned to a half filled page,
then turned on his TV, which was on a news channel. Light waited
a moment, and then they showed the face of a man who killed his
son. Light looked down at the notebook, and started writing.
Dear Death Note,
Today was a special day. After I came home from University, I
went to that cute sushi place. The waitress was really nice, and
I think she was trying to flirt with me. Skank. The meal was
excellent as always though, so I can't complain. This quaint
haven is the only place in town where I can enjoy the delicacies
of uni and cat nipple sushi while writing my Inuyasha and
Transformers crossover slash fanfiction without discrimination.
Those damned brats at school always tease me! Stupid, brainless,
unrefined, uncultured bottom-feeders! They don't understand
me... Except him, of course. ♥♥♥Johnny♥♥♥ His eyes are so
gorgeous, almost as gorgeous as Ryuzaki's. Decisions,
decisions... Anyway, I just watched the news about a guy who
killed his own son! What is wrong with the world today? Why
can't we all just be friends?
Forty seconds later, Light died of a heart attack.
"This is another angle," Matsuda said, pointing to a TV that
showed Light writing the mans' name in the journal. The notebook
paper looked like the one they had been sent. A message appeared
40 seconds later, saying the man had mysteriously died of a
heart attack. Like all the other victims.
The news works fast in Japan. I expect that if I were there and
turned the TV on, I'd find a reporter on the scene of a violent
rape as it's taking place, with the rapist smiling and waving at
Akahana suddenly grew tense.
"He needs a name and face to kill. Did any of you tell him your
name?" Ryuzaki asked.
"He knows mine," Yagami said.
Oh sweet Christ, if Light even knows his own father's name and face,
no one is safe!
"He knows my first name," Matsuda offered. Near shook his,
agreeing with Matsuda.
...His what? His vagina lips? How would shaking those or anything
else down there mean he's in agreement?
"Akahana?" Ryuzaki asked, turning to his friend.
"I..." she started, "He saw my drivers license, but I used an a
anagram for it."
"Do anagrams count?" asked Yagami, suddenly fearful for this
Um, I'd be a little more concerned about the fact that my son is
most probably a maniacal serial killer than anything else at
that particular moment...
"I don't know," Ryuzaki said.
"Wait! Look! Akahana, he's writing your name!" informed Matsuda
urgently, fear in his voice. Forty seconds came, and went.
Akahana was fine.
((A/N: Just ignore that unimportant detail in the first part of
the story where Ryuzaki introduces her with her real name.))
"Oh my God," Ryuzaki murmmered, thinking how lucky she was.
You know what's really lucky? Me not getting an aneurysm from
the retarded logic of this story. Why didn't Light just write
her name the moment she came into the picture?
He took her hand and pulled her close, hugging her tightly,
thinking how devastated he would be if he had lost her. She
hugged tighter, and a tear slid down her face, and dissolved in
Who knew the evil murderer you're trying to catch would attempt
to murder you.
The others watched, not judging, recording, or laughing at the
rumor that was supposedly true, but feeling empathy for these
"I was so scared," she murmmered.
"Me too, Akahana, me too," Ryuzaki agreed, and didn't losen his
grip on her.
Now you just need a dictionary to go with your thesaurus and
complete the set, DancingSamurai.
"I need to go get my son," Yagami said, his voice cracking.
Ryuzaki sat on the floor, looking at the evidence.
Well that's not a very engaging chapter title at all.
Yagami and Matsuda had gone to get his son, and Near had
disappeared, somewhere in the headquarters. Akahana sat down
near him on the floor, with cocoa. She handed him a mug, and he
thanked her. They were silent, looking at the paper, pen and
notes, unsure whether they should be happy they caught who was
supposedly Kira, or sad for it might be Yagami's son.
"I don't know what to feel, Akahana," Ryuzaki said, feeling
joyous and guilty.
Now you know.
"Ditto," she commented, and they were silent. She set her cocoa
on the coffee table, and moved close to Ryuzaki. She looked at
his eyes, which were clearly trying to ignore hers, trying to
ignore the fact that she was close to him.
His nose was trying to ignore her too, for she smelled like a
hobo's gangrenous asshole that hasn't been washed in over a
She leaned and kissed his cheek, then went back to her seat. He
looked at her, and they locked eyes. This time, Ryuzaki moved
closer to her, and kissed her on the cheek. He moved quickly,
and blushed very red, but it quickly faded.
They were silent.
Akahana: ...Soooo, that's it, huh? And here I thought you were
hot for me. I would'a let you ride me like a Harley Davidson,
too, but whatever.
Near looked ran down the hallway away from the living room,
where he had just recorded Ryuzaki and Akahana kissing each
other, even if just on the cheek, he knew this video would come
Glad you could throw in a side of "humor" to the
jarring tonal mishmash
this situation already has to offer, Near.
"Oh my God!" Ryuzaki and Akahana exclaimed a spilt second apart,
and locked eyes, "It's not Light!"
"We know because World War II officially ended in 1945!"
At that moment, Yagami and Matsuda entered, with Light. Yagami
looked down at the floor.
"Yagami!" they exclaimed. "It's not Light!"
"What?" The two men asked. Light nodded gratefully.
And that's when he grinned at the successful trickery he had
played and wrote all their names in the Death Note, right?
"It's his girlfriend. She knew that he could get info from the
computer, and since he loves her, he did it for her.
Whatever the hell happened to Misa anyway? Seriously, story, you're
just gonna pull her out of your ass at the last minute like
She then instructed him to do things at certain times. She gave
him the a page from the notebook, and that's what he sent you.
The pen, its nibs were switched, rememeber?
Not really... Ugh, every time one of these bullshit paragraphs
of their bullshit reasoning comes on, I get a gigantic
bullshitting migraine that only a silo of Tylenol can relieve.
When Light wrote something, I noticed the nib wasn't secured. it
was the pen the Misa gave him! It's her!"
So why couldn't Light have just switched the pen nibs himself,
Akahana said. Ryuzaki nodded, though he thought that Light's
teacher had did it, this made much more sense.
I guess Light's teacher taught mysteriously.
"Thank you!" Light cried happily, finally not being accused for
the crime he did not commit.
Um, excuse me, but even if you're persuaded by love or whatever
to commit a crime, you still committed the crime. Hello? Hello, is anyone
listening to me? Hey, I'm talking here! Anyone!?
"Are you sure?" Yagami asked them. They nodded, including Light.
Yagami had learned to trust Ryuzaki's statements, and he felt
the same trust in Akahana.
"Where's your girlfriend, Light?" Matsuda asked him.
"Probably at her house," Light answered.
"Good, Mastuda, Light, you come with me, Ryuzaki and Akahana,
thank you," Yagami smiled, though felt bad for Light, his
girlfriend being a mass murderer.
Oh man, I can totally relate. A few of my buddies have really
bad apples on their arms. One's a drug dealer, another's a
convicted child molester, and yet another is a KKK member! Shit
kinda sucks. I mean, what do you say to them?
When they left, Ryuzaki said: "I still think he doesn't
understand the Shinigami and notebook thing, Akahana, and I
How on Earth did you become L, Ryuzaki? You're dumber than a
"Well, it's hard to believe, death gods and killer notebooks,
but I am ninety nine point nine percent certain that Misa is
Kira," Akahana replied.
"Hey Ryuzaki!" Near said from the hallway.
"Yes?" Ryuzaki asked, turning towards Near.
"Ryuzaki and Akahana, sitting in a tree- K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" and
Near ran out into the hallway.
Oh Near, you bundle of joy and shitfuck retardation.
It took him a second to realize what he meant.
Ryuzaki: Holy guacamole! Near spelled "kissing"! He thinks I
like... *whisper* women!
"Stupid thirteen year old," he muttered under his breath.
"Wait, 13!" Akahana exclaimed. Ryuzaki nodded. "A 13 yeard old
hit on me?"
You've got to be kidding me...
"Yes, apparently..." Ryuzaki said, pretending to act like it was
the most normal thing in the world.
"Ryuzaki! I'm 17! Oh my God!" Akahana was disgusted.
Please have mercy, fanfic. Just end.
"Yeah, well I'm older," teased Ryuzaki.
Are you there, God? I know I don't talk to You much, and I'm
really sorry. Please just answer this one prayer: Please send Dick
Cheney to my room with a loaded rifle right this second.
"Only by a year," Akahana returned, sitting near him on the
floor again, like they had before.
"Eh," Ryuzaki shrugged. He knew he was going to do it, he just
needed to know when himself.
He's going to kill himself and Akahana to quickly get the story
over with? Claim redemption, Ryuzaki!
"I mean, a 13 year old boy, hitting on
a 17 year old girl, how odd is-" Akahana started.
Ryuzaki caught her around the waist, and they fell to the floor.
He kissed her passionately, their lips moving to an inaudible
Which turned out to be a bomb timer. The bomb exploded, killing
everyone. STORY OVER.
then he pulled away, sitting back in
his original position, blushing like mad, but happy with
himself. She looked at him, then sat at his side, and held his
hand, not as a friend though, not as a friend.
Akahana allowed the smallest of smiles to curve her lips for a
split second, overwhelmed with such a powerful surge of pride
and triumph that it was all she could do to suppress the fit of
giggles threatening to erupt. Near would kill himself in a
matter of moments. He had done as she had specified, intruding
for a few seconds in order to draw Ryuzaki's attention away so
that Akahana could hastily scrawl his name on the slip of paper
hidden in the secret compartment of her watch. The Death Note
never failed. As Ryuzaki became limp beside her, she couldn't
help but laugh out loud. She was not his friend. She was not his
lover. She was Kira, his murderer, and she had won.
THIS IS MY FIRST FANFICTION! DO NOT BE
MEAN IN COMMENTS, I AM STILL SORTA NEW AT WRITING ROAMNCES.
SORRY THE CHAPTERS WERE NOT SEPARATED PROPERLY, I AM NEW HERE
I GAVE YOUR STORY A GREAT REVIEW, DON'T'CHA THINK? WELCOME TO
Whew, it's finally over. I truly believed that this story
would be the end of all of us, what with the plot
inconsistencies, gross mischaracterization, asinine attempts at
reasoning bullshit, hammy dialogue, stretched-out scenes that
went nowhere, and abundant canon rape. But we made it! I'm glad
to declare us survivors, and I personally congratulate—
...Guys? Guys. Hey, answer me! Wake up!
No... N-No! How... How could you all die? How could you leave me
alone!? Am I really the only one left?
Curse you, fanfiction, curse you! Your vile, murderous rampages
never cease to bring destruction and suffering upon the world
and all who live within it! You demon! I have nothing left; you
have taken everything that is dear and precious to me! What path
do I walk now...?
Ho, what's this? The lethargy, the tightness in my lungs...? I
see. The stove I forgot to turn off earlier has finally released
enough gas to fill up my entire residence. The good Lord has
answered my pleas. As I die, I leave... only my physical form...
and pain... behind... in this desolate, fanfic-ravaged world...
...Oh... merciful stove gas... where... were... you... ten chapters...
Better.... late than... never... I guess....
-Written by Protto.