The following story has been neither written nor
edited for content by the webmaster of this site,
and may contain written material that is not
suitable for viewing by younger children. All names
and characters are copyright their respective
owners. "Project AFTER" and all commentary and
specified writings within the following text are the
property of Alex Barry (firstname.lastname@example.org).
The following story has been used without the
permission of its original author, and no profit has
been made from its redistribution.
Pilot Episode: "Dragonball: A New Beginning"
(A 'DragonBall' fanfiction by DarkDragon666)
Greetings! No doubt my sheer accident, you have stumbled
upon a very special preview of what is sure to be America's
next biggest fad: Project A.F.T.E.R. Before you go hitting
the 'Back' button on your browser like your brain is most
likely instructing you to do right now, please take a moment
to find out what PA is all about. You see, this somewhat
experimental venture into the wide and often frightening
world of amateur writing is the result of one man's dream
for a better future. A future free of something that has
plagued mankind for centuries... I am talking, of course,
about bad anime fanfiction.
In an effort to contain and perhaps one day obliterate this
very threat to human existence, I have developed Project
A.F.T.E.R., which is short for Project Anime
Twisted Entertainment Review.
Within this demonstration of human ingenuity at its finest,
I will select promising pieces of anime fanfiction that have
sadly ended up in the realm of awfulness. By providing an
astute running commentary within the fanfiction, I hope to
inform readers of how to identify bad fanfics, and even more
importantly, how to avoid writing them. It may seem to some
of you like little more than an unoriginal and malicious
outburst to help me feel better about my own inner
suffering, but I assure you that I am doing this strictly
for the good of humanity! Why? Because that's just the kind
of selfless guy I am.
The story I now present to you is a short one, yet is the
perfect epitome of fanfiction gone wrong. Written by the
grimly named DarkDragon666, "Dragonball: A New Beginning" is
the retelling of the beginning of Akira Toriyama's classic
anime fighting comedy, and will also serve as a new
beginning in the fight for a future without the loathsome
presence of bad anime fanfiction.
Please note that the original story (which has not been
edited in any way... unfortunately) is in
red text, while my
comments remain in white.
With that out of the way, please "enjoy" the show.
Hey guys! One thing first. I DO NOT
OWN DRAGONBALL OR I DID NOT MAKE IT UP! All I'm doing is taking
Dragonball and changing it around and adding a whole new
And by "whole new storyline", you mean you added one new
character and basically followed the existing DragonBall
If you see this please IM me!
This guy must be some kind of masochist who enjoys receiving
verbal abuse from strangers or something.
Dragonball: A New Beginning
Chapter 1: The World's Strongest
That's odd. That title seems kinda familiar for some
(Scene starts with chibi(kid) Goku and his grandpa, Gohan,
Goku: Time out!!!
Their matches only go for a few seconds at a time,
Gohan: What is it, Goku?
Goku: When are you going to teach me the Kamehameha wave?
Gohan: Right after you master that whole 'peeing inside in
the bowl' thing, Goku.
Gohan: Soon, Goku, soon.
(A mile away)
...Things not related to this story are happening.
Bulma: Oooo! I'm getting closer to the Dragonball.
(Bulma gets in her car and drives toward her destination)
Bulma: White Castle, here I come!
Goku: Gramps! Do you hear that?
Gohan: Yes, I do! I wonder what it is...?
It's the sound of every DragonBall fan who has ever read
this story repeatedly banging their heads against hard,
(A car comes into view)
Goku: Yaaaaa!!! It's a monster!!!!!!!!!!
Gohan: Oh, no Goku. This is a car.
Wait. So, Gohan knew what a car was, yet he didn't recognize
the sound of a car when he heard it? By "changing around the
storyline", DarkDragon666 must have meant he was going to
infuse it with glaring plot holes.
Goku: Wow! ( Goku just stands there staring at the car in
(Bulma climbs out of the car with a machine gun in her hand)
Oh, snap! Bulma has joined up with the authorities and she
knows about Gohan's stash!
Goku: Look! A demon is coming out of it!
Bulma: Oh there it is! (Bulma points at Gohan's necklace)
That's the Dragonball! Oh, can I please have it?
Gohan: Why would you want it?.
Hold on, if you're going to properly rip off DragonBall's
storyline here, you should've at least stayed somewhat true
to the source material and had him demand to see her panties
Bulma: Fine then. If you're not going to give it to me, I
guess I'll have to use force.(Bulma starts shooting at Gohan
with her machine gun)
This may seem like excessive force to you and me, but Bulma
is no stranger to gunning down old people and little
children simply because they won't readily hand over their
Goku: No!!!!!!!! Grandpa!!!!!!!
(Gohan catches every bullet and throws them on the floor)
Personally, I think it would have been cooler if Gohan had
bent over backwards, barely dodging each bullet in
slow-motion as they shot right past him, leaving rippled
trails in the air. But hey, whatever. Not my fanfic.
Bulma: Who are you??!
Chapter 2: Gohan and Goku
Gohan: My name is Son Gohan. This is Son Goku.
"No relation to Daughter Gohan or Daughter Goku."
(Gohan gets into a fighting stance)
Gohan: Stand back, Goku! Now, prepare to fight!!!
Bulma: I surrender! I'm just a poor little girl?
Uh, I don't know. Are you?
Goku: How'd she get the car if she's poor.?
How does Goku know that cars cost money if he thought they
were monsters? Hell, how does Goku even know about money,
for that matter!?
Gohan: Really? A girl? I haven't seen a girl in a good 20
Bulma: Well I'm a girl! What do I look like?
Goku: I thought that she was a man.
Oh, Goku! Your blind innocence is so delightfully wacky!
Gohan: So how about some lunch at my place?
Bulma: That sounds great! By the way, I'm Bulma. Bulma
Bulma: Oh, and sorry about trying to rob you and then kill
you. Tee hee! It's almost kind of funny, looking back on it.
(They go to Gohan's house)
Bulma: No electricity? You could use a little remodeling..
Gohan: Today we have fish for lunch!
Gohan is quick to change the subject away from remodeling
due to the many bodies he has secretly hoarded away inside
Goku: Yay! One of my favorites.
(They finish eating and go outside)
I'm glad that the author isn't bogging down the pace of the
story with tons of unnecessary details. Like, for instance,
what the hell is going on.
Bulma: How strong are you Son Goku?
Goku: You can call me Goku. I'd say I'm pretty strong. (Goku
gets 6 bricks) I can break all 6 bricks with only one
Well that's a handy skill... At least when wrestlers rip
phonebooks in half it makes them easier to shred for
(Goku breaks all 6 bricks with only his finger)
Bulma: :Stares: OH MY GOD!!!
Hey, that was the exact same reaction I had when I first
realized this story wasn't just somebody's idea for a sick
Goku: Cool, huh? I'm trying to be as strong as my gramps.
Bulma: :Just stands staring: You mean your grandpa is even
*sigh* Yeah, Bulma. That would shock me, too. I mean, just
because he friggin' CAUGHT MACHINEGUN BULLETS WITH HIS BARE
HANDS isn't any indication that he'd be strong or anything!
Bulma: : Thinking: I can use their strength. :
Gohan: So what were these "Dragonballs", you called them?
Bulma: Well I found one in my cellar
That's where she goes to smoke.
and I also found an ancient story saying if you gather all 7
dragonballs and chant the right chant the dragon god
Shenlong appears! He'll grant you one wish. Each ball is
translucent orange with red stars in them from on star to
seven. Neat, huh?
Bulma: Here. You can read more about them in this handy
pamphlet I always carry with me.
Goku: That's awesome!!! I want to go see the dragon!
Gohan: Me too! Can we go with you, Bulma?
And thus, the quest begins!
Chapter3: The Quest Begins
Oh! Oh! Who called it! ...Alright, so I read ahead a little
Bulma: Alright! We'll all ride in my car. The next
dragonball is about 200 kilometers to the east.
(They get in the car)
Goku: I'm hungry!
Well, at least DarkDragon666 managed to capture the depth
and complexity of Goku's character pretty accurately.
Bulma: We just ate!
Goku: I know, but can't you hear my stomach?
(A dinosaur roar comes)
Bulma: Looks like we got a dino on our tail!
I can almost picture Jeff Goldblum in the back seat yelling
at them to drive faster.
Goku: No! That was my stomach!
Bulma & Gohan: (in unison) Oh, Goku!
*Cue Scooby Doo-esque laugh track*
Bulma: Here's some turkey. Knock yourself out.
Who the HELL carries turkey with them when they're just
(Goku eats the turkey and then instantly falls asleep)
Bulma: YES! The poison is working!
3 hours later
That's what I like about this fic. It doesn't slow down to
take care of cumbersome tasks like making sense.
Bulma: I think we should stop. This is pretty good for the
(They get out of the car)
Bulma: You guys better stand back. Hoi poi!
Bulma threw a capsule at the ground, but was quickly
overcome by embarrassment as she realized that she had
thrown down one of her anti-depressant pills by mistake.
(A house appears out of a capsule)
:Goku and Gohan stand there and stare:
...At Bulma's rack.
Bulma: Come on in. Lights on!!
Goku: You made it morning in here!
Bulma: You don't even know about lights?
Poor Goku isn't very bright. Heh, heh. "Bright." Get it?
Man, I rule at this.
Goku: What's a "lights"?
Bulma: Dang! You two are stinking up the place! Go take a
Goku: No, I'm serious! What the hell is a "lights"!?
(Goku and Gohan take a shower and come back)
Bulma: Dinner's ready!
Shit son, the speed of sound has got nothing on this
story's pacing. It's like watching a clip-show edited by
some guy strung out on crystal meth.
Gohan: Wow! You made dinner!
(They eat a typical thanksgiving dinner and then go to
Good thing Bulma decided to defy all logical reasoning and
pack that frozen turkey with her, huh.
Goku: Rise and Shine!
Gohan: You don't have to be so loud.
Bulma: I'd rather rise then shine.
Huh? I, just, totally don't get that. Like, at all. And
WHY the fuck were Gohan and Bulma sleeping together!?
Goku: Wait a sec. Do you hear that? (Goku opens the front
door) Whoa! You're a turtle!
Turtle: Yes I Am!
TOO BE CONTINUED......
Oh, goodie! Remind me to jam an ice pick into the front of
my skull before reading the next chapter!
It's over! Hooray! Well, all in all, I think that went
pretty well. I hope that my constructive criticism will aid
this aspiring young author on his journey into the world of
professional publication. By subtly pointing out some of his
mistakes and inaccuracies, I'm confident that this
commentary will help DarkDragon666 to improve his writing
abilities to the highest degree!
This, however, is but a small victory in the battle against
bad fanfiction. What we have covered today is just the tip
of the iceberg, and it pains me to say that many more...
perhaps even thousands... of substandard fanfictions are
littering cyberspace. However, all is not lost! I plan to
continue moc- err, critiquing fanfictions from every corner
of the internet, in hopes that writers can improve
themselves and go on to compose great works.
Hell, I'll even
settle for mediocre works at this point.
This mission of mine will be in vain, however, if Project
A.F.T.E.R. is not given a proper base of operations. I've
tried selling the idea to various porn sites and a webpage
for a cult that worships lawn furniture, but neither of
those potential hosts seemed to be interested. Therefore, if
you or someone you know is a willing and capable webmaster
who loves slightly offbeat anime humor, keep in mind Project
A.F.T.E.R. is looking for a host. Please e-mail me with any
propositions and/or naked photos of attractive women.
And as for the rest of you, thanks for taking the time to
read this pilot! Someday, when PA has become a flourishing
internet powerhouse, crushing smaller websites like ants
under its colossal weight, you can have the pleasure of
saying that you knew the man behind it back when he was
still pitching his million-dollar idea to anyone who would
listen, not unlike a young (albeit far more handsome) Bill
Gates. Good night, and please have a safe and productive