The following story has been neither written nor
edited for content by the webmaster of this site,
and may contain written material that is not
suitable for viewing by younger children. All names
and characters are copyright their respective
owners. "Project AFTER" and all commentary and
specified writings within the following text are the
property of Alex Barry (firstname.lastname@example.org).
The following story has been used without the
permission of its original author, and no profit has
been made from its redistribution.
Special 05: "Helping Paws"
(A 'My Neighbor Totoro' fanfiction by
If you've been a regular reader of this site for any
period of time and didn't just stumbled upon this page from
a Google search for some kind of grotesque, anime-related
fetish porn (which is where just under eighty percent of
this site's traffic comes from), then chances are you'll
remember my landmark review of a fanfiction by the name of
Pokémon: A New Experience.
Despite being one of the oldest pieces of content I've
written for the site, I can still remember what was running
through my mind the first time I ever read that fic. The
finer details have become a little faded over time, but the
gist of it was something to the effect of:
Ah, those were the days. How wonderfully innocent I was back
then, to be so horrified by something as inoffensive as a
slashfic where a couple of preteen kids have unprotected sex
in front of small animals fully aware of what they're
seeing. And it's not like I had never read a lemon before,
nor was I unaware of sexual deviancies that far surpassed the
contents of that story in their depravity. No, I think the real
terror came from knowing that there were actually people out
there who could watch a cartoon show aimed at young children
and become aroused enough by the characters to expend the
time and energy needed to write an entire story about them
Okay, so maybe it's something we've all briefly contemplated
in our darker moments—I have so much half-finished Josie and
the Pussycats smut on my hard drive that my PC is legally
the property of Hanna-Barbera—but the guy who wrote that
Pokémon story actually went through with it. Then he
published it on the internet for everyone to see and know
beyond any possible doubt what degenerate fantasies his mind
was capable of producing. They say that brave men are
honest, but there has to be a better word than
"bravery" to describe someone who would proudly announce to
all of cyberspace that he watched a kids' anime about
professional cockfighting and stayed horny long enough to
write a complete narrative arc about the main characters
losing their virginity.
But I digress. This little trek down memory lane was for the
purpose of leading up to the fanfiction to which I now turn
my attention. By request, I've decided to review the
literary epic known as Helping Paws, a story which,
like that "new experience" I suffered through so very long
ago, features an anime created specifically for children
being shoved to the floor and violently desecrated in front
of the readers' very eyes. Anyone with particularly fond memories of watching My
Neighbor Totoro, be warned: After viewing the following
seven pages of putrid prose, you will likely never
be able to look at Hayao Miyazaki's classic animated
film the same way ever again.
If you want someone to blame for the
obliteration of that last unspoiled part of your childhood,
then the name you'll want to carve into your victims'
screeching faces is Didjeridoo. And no, that isn't a typo;
the man who wrote this fic is such a consummate wordsmith
that he misspelled his own stupid penname.
The following story is copyright
1993 by Didjeridoo.
Steal it and he'll be forced to play traditional Australian
melodies at you.
Some characters are copyright by
Miyazaki Hayao. You may
redistribut this story freely in any ELECTRONIC medium
provided that no charge is made for the distribution.
I tried to burn this story onto some CDs and pass them out
in front of a Wal-Mart, but it didn't go over very well.
Man, though, the look on that old lady's face when I told
her what was on the discs totally made the whole experience
If you're confused about what's
going on in this story,
Then congratulations, you pass the Perfectly Normal Human
run down to your local video store
and rent yourself a copy
of "My Neighbor Totoro" which you can almost certainly find
in the kidvid section.
I can assure you folks at home right now that familiarizing
yourself with the source material for this fanfic will raise
far more questions in your mind than it will answer.
Send email to the author, with your
comments, good or bad, on the
story. I can be reached via Internet email as email@example.com,
Didjeridoo on Throbnet, or by calling the Team H BBS at
They have their own private hotline!? Damn, these guys
really take their anime porn stories seriously.
I had always thought that Totoro was only visible to
children; Mom and Dad had never been able to see him, and
started menstruating, I stopped seeing him too.
The author could have written "when I became an adult," or
"when I reached a certain age," but no. The menstruation
reference was crucial to setting the tone for this story,
Now, though, I realize that I must have stopped seeing him
expected to... I'm glad I was wrong!
Perhaps I should back up a bit.
You mean to give the readers some vague idea of what's going on? Why, that's just
crazy enough to work!
I first met Totoro when I was 8, and spent many hours with
the next few years. Eventually, though, as I grew up and
Like getting into My Chemical Romance and realizing how
phony and pointless and lame mythical wood spirits are and
how the only real truth lies in despair.
I started to see him less and less, until I stopped seeing
I went away to college, and then work. I married, and after
a few years
we decided we were ready to have a baby. I guess that's
this story starts.
Too late, Mrs. Narrator. I've already formed some strong
opinions about this story, none of them good.
We tried for months, but I never got pregnant. We went to a
fertility specialist, who assured us that there was no
I shouldn't get pregnant, but despite everything we tried,
never succeeded. To make it worse, we were so intent on my
getting pregnant that sex stopped being fun.
"Soon, those feelings of regret began to fester, and our
quiet contempt for each other grew into a bitter, violent
I'd cum, and instead of relaxing in the afterglow, I'd find
thinking "Thank God that's over with. Now I can go to
Way to bitch. If I'm to believe every female comedian who
has ever lived, then you should be thanking God that your
husband bothered to wait until you climaxed.
As you can imagine, we were really getting upset about it.
Finally the doctor suggested that we might just be trying
hard. "Relax a little," he said.
Sperm are like pets; they can sense your emotions and will
react accordingly. If you want them to be obedient, you have
to provide a calm atmosphere and positive reinforcement for
"Take a couple of days off and take a little vacation trip.
have sex to have a baby; wait until you both want to make
for yourselves. Maybe if you take some of the pressure off
trying to get pregnant it will work better."
Doctor: Or maybe it won't. Hell, I really don't have a
fucking clue. You guys should really switch to an HMO that
allows you to see doctors who actually went to medical
We talked it over, and decided it was worth a try. We each
took a week off from work, and rented a small house in the
country near where I grew up.
There ain't nothing else like precious childhood memories to get
you in the mood for some hot, nasty lovin'.
The first couple of days were dreadful. We were both so
and uncomfortable that we leaped at the opportunity to
each other for a while.
What the hell, am I the fanfic's marriage counselor all of a
sudden? Why is it telling me this?
I guess we really went a little too far, though, going off
to explore, and really only seeing each other for dinner and
bedtime. After three days of this, though, I was ready to
Damn lady, if you're that easily stressed out about
everything then maybe you shouldn't have kids. Or any sort
of relationship with anyone, for that matter.
I wanted my husband back, not this stranger who shared my
table and bed. I just couldn't bring myself to say anything.
The third night was when things changed.
"As soon as he was asleep, I knew what I had to do. I
quietly crept down to the kitchen and removed the large
steak knife from the cupboard. After returning to the
bedroom in silence, I pulled down the bed sheets and severed
the limp organ before me as if it were a chain that bound me
to this awful existence."
I was awakened around 1 AM by a tapping sound at the window.
Not sure quite why, I slipped out of bed, and crossed the
peered out the window, and there on the outside ledge was a
If this is going where I think it is, then I'm liking this
plot twist a lot so far. However, I can't help but wonder
how the author is going to incorporate Batman into this
story and make it believable...
Little Totoro, no bigger than he had been the last time I
seen him, stood there looking in at me.
Totoro: So are you guys gonna do it or what? I'm sick of
standing out here for nothing and going home with an empty
roll of film night after night.
I stared at him in amazement, but when he hopped off the
window ledge and began to run towards the trees, I didn't
hesitate long enough to put on my slippers before running
She knew she had to stop him before he could tell anyone of
their terrible secrets, even if it meant using the precious
few bullets she had intended to save for her husband.
I must have been quite a sight, running across the grass
buck naked, with my hair streaming out behind me.
Neighbor: Ah, what a lovely night for stargazing... Is there any sight more
beautiful than the brilliant wonders of the heav-- Whoa
shit, random naked chick!
Little Totoro disappeared into the undergrowth, but I was
only a couple of steps behind him, and followed him into the
well-remembered hole that led to the Totoros' den.
Is it just me, or does crawling through a patch of thick
underbrush in the dark without any clothes on sound like it
would hurt like a motherfucker?
It wasn't until he popped out of sight downwards that I even
began to consider what I was doing: chasing a myth, stark
naked, in the middle of the night.
Throw in a beer bong and it was practically her sorority initiation
all over again.
I almost turned back then, but I realized that if I was
insane, it was an insanity I wanted, and down the hole I
There they were at the bottom, lined up and waiting for me.
The room erupted in joyous screams as the hooded figures
yelled cheers of "The sacrifice has been delivered!" and
"All hail Totoro, Dark Lord of the Forests!"
I pulled myself up short, and, after a moment to catch my
bowed to them. The three of them bowed back to me, and then
biggest one, the one I always thought of as "Totoro",
forward with his arms spread wide.
Hey kids, Totoro says that Didjeridoo hates his readers THIS
Somehow I knew he was welcoming me back, and I stepped
and buried my face in his fur. His arms went around me, and
unlocked all the frustration that was locked up inside of me
began to cry into his chest.
Damn, this chick is totally schizo. I mean it, we're only
three pages into this and she's already hit more emotional
extremes than an ecstasy addict watching a marathon of
Darren Aronofsky movies.
It felt like I cried for hours as he stroked the back of my
Totoro: Hey, umm... P-Please stop.
Look, I just wanted to invite you over for some iced tea and
Finally my tears reluctantly stopped, and I began talking,
Totoro about everything that had happened in the years since
had seen him last, everything good, and everything bad. I
Totoro: (looking at his watch) Yeah, wow, that's totally
great. Hey listen, I kind of have to get up early
It all just seemed to pour out of me as I talked until, when
finished, I just stood there in his arms, totally limp.
you think?" I asked him honestly.
I must have missed that subplot in the movie where Totoro
goes to school and gets his master's degree in abnormal
psychology. Otherwise, this woman just hit a whole new level
After a moment, Totoro picked me up and held me at arm's
length, as he used to do when I was a child.
Then, upon realizing that she no longer weighed forty-five
pounds, Totoro lost his balance and fell forward, instantly
crushing her to death.
He looked me up and down, like he had never seen me before,
then made that silly "wurfling" noise that always made me
He extended his tongue, and swept it across my face, from my
to my hairline.
I can handle that. As long as he keeps it above the waist.
Hear that, Didjidick? ABOVE THE WAIST.
I stared at him for a moment, he looking back at me with
that solemn expression of his, his saliva dripping off my
and then I burst into giggles as the silliness of my
It's funny because she raided the medicine cabinet earlier and now
she's rolling around in a puddle on the driveway, clinging
to a bag of cedar mulch.
"Put me down, please?" I asked.
He tipped me a bit sideways, and looked at me with a puzzled
expression, as if he couldn't figure out why I would want
but then he set me down on the edge of his sleeping area,
raised section of the den filled with leaves.
Almost every sentence in this story is half a dozen smaller
sentences crudely sewn together by about four billion
commas. Reading this is like driving down a thirty-mile-long
stretch of straight roadway with a stop sign placed on the
side every dozen yards or so.
After I had settled myself comfortably on the lip, he
with one paw, and very carefully poked me right between my
It wasn't a hard push, but it was just hard enough. I fell
backwards into the pile of leaves.
If you replace every instance of the word "leaves" with
"human bones", this story suddenly takes off in a way more
I looked up laughing, just in time to see Totoro leap into
the air, directly towards me.
Freeze frame. "And in that moment, I knew this would be the
last night of the greatest summer of my entire life."
Somehow, in midair he slipped sideways, landing beside me
instead of on top of me, and hurling thousands of leaves
the air, where they swirled for a minute, before settling on
Wow, now I know what to expect if John Woo ever writes a My
Neighbor Totoro lemon. Besides knowing it's time to hang
myself, I mean.
One particularly large one hit me squarely in the face and
stuck there, held by the saliva that still hadn't completely
Still laughing, I batted the leaf away, and leapt on Totoro.
"See what you did?" I demanded as I landed on his chest.
"Do you see this? DO YOU!? Bad, Totoro! BAD!!"
Once again he reached out with one paw, and before I could
move to protect myself, his claw tips found my bare ribs.
His hunting instincts now fully activated, Totoro viciously
rammed his razor-sharp claws into the unsuspecting girl,
impaling her vital organs one after the other!
In moments, he had me wiggling in all directions and
hysterically, frantically -- and unsuccessfully -- trying to
every ticklish part of my body from him. I tried to protest
more than once but found I was unable to breathe.
It's like he's forcibly molesting her with tickles. This
paragraph is why I suspect the author isn't legally allowed
to live within a mile of any schools or playgrounds.
Over and over we rolled in the leaves, until finally we came
to rest, me holding my sides to keep from throwing up from
Yeah, great, have her vomit all over the place. That'll get
the readers turned on.
Totoro kneeling (I hadn't even realized until then that he
knees!) between my legs, one paw on either side of my
clearly ready to resume his assault when I settled down a
To prevent him from starting again, I grabbed his arms and
pulled, toppling him across me.
She's going to suffocate under a tremendous weight, naked,
underground in some oversized gopher hole half a mile out
into the middle of the woods. Man, I do not envy the
homicide detectives who are going to have to piece that one
A big mistake that turned out to be, since his fur on my now
extremely sensitive skin tickled nearly as much as the paws
been trying to avoid.
Now how does that even work? Hey Didjeridonutbrain, if I put on a
fuzzy glove and punch you in the face, do you think that
Fortunately, Totoro turned out to be incredibly light for
no heavier than my husband, really, and I managed to squirm
from under him without too much trouble.
I wonder if her being married to a hideously obese sumo
wrestler with a glandular disorder has anything to do with
their difficulties conceiving a child...
Totoro rolled onto his side and lay there looking at me, and
acted on a mischievous impulse, and leaned forward, kissing
on the tip of his nose. His eyes opened wide for a moment,
then his tongue shot out, tracing a line around the curve of
Whoa there, big guy, a little peck on the nose is hardly an
invitation to that sort of thing. You're not Roman Polanski,
and she's not a drunken thirteen-year-old.
I felt a quick flash of sensual pleasure -- my ears have
always been a
big erogenous zone. I couldn't help but shudder hard, and
still being nude, I knew it wasn't from the chill of the
She's so pent-up with sexual frustration that having her ear
licked caused her to experience a mild seizure. I wonder if
even one single cucumber she's bought has ever actually made it
into a salad.
"Two can play at that game," I told him, before reaching
tickle his ears with my finger.
I felt his arm come around me, and his paw began to move
slowly up and down my back, tracing sensual curves from side
side across my spine, and then down to my hips and buttocks.
If Totoro was a human, he'd be the greasy, middle-aged guy
who gets beaten up by a pair of bouncers behind a nightclub
because he tried to jam his hands down the skirt of a woman
who briefly smiled at him.
Despite myself, I moaned in pleasure and snuggled my body
against his, my tickling of his ears quickly changing to a
passionate caress. This was a side of Totoro I had never
never even thought of!
This a side of Totoro I had previously assumed no person
anywhere had ever thought of, but Didgydoo went and proved
me wrong. So, so wrong...
His touch became more and more urgent as we lay there, and
after a time I felt something pressing against my leg. I
away from him and looked down. His cock was in proportion to
rest of him.
Normally, this is the part where I'd shut my eyes and start
chanting about going to a happy place, but everything
leading up to this point in the story has already been so
fucked up that I welcome this next phase of the plot.
Far bigger than any I had seen, even in pictures. I must
there looking at the humongous organ for too long, as Totoro
pushed me onto my back and moved to a position between my
Totoro: I'll take your terrified silence as a sign of
Somehow the thought that Totoro wasn't human never even
entered my head; my only concern was that if he tried to
me, I might be torn in half!
This very train of thought is the reason her first and only
trip to a dude ranch resulted in her leaving in an
"Wait..." I said, about to offer to get him off a different
way, but Totoro just placed a finger on my lips in a "hush"
Totoro: Shut it, trick! I listened to you whine and bitch
about your pathetic life for hours, now you owe me some
I felt the pressure of his cock against the outside of my
and then Totoro give a peculiar wiggle, and he was inside
felt him slide deep inside, filling me as I had never been
before. I couldn't help but moan in pleasure.
I'm not a woman, admittedly, but shouldn't having the
equivalent of a fleshy baseball bat shoved up your vagina
involve less moaning and a lot more blood-curdling
He held his cock inside me for a moment, letting me get used
to the sensation, and then he began to move, slowly stroking
and out of me. The stimulation was incredible, and it wasn't
long before I was lifting my hips to meet him on each
wanting him deeper and deeper inside me.
"Oh yes, Totoro, YES! Shove that telephone pole of a love
organ deeper! I want to feel you screw between my lungs!"
My orgasm was on me quickly, and as the waves of pleasure
I felt Totoro bellow, and felt his cock jerking inside me,
with his seed.
This isn't teaching kids about safe sex at all. If you're
going to have the cuddly mascot of a beloved children's
movie star in your homemade smut, the least you could do is
be responsible and include a message about using protection
or drinking lots of water or something.
Some time later, I came back to myself with a start,
realizing that I had no idea how long I had been lying in
Totoro's arms, half dozing, half cuddling against his
So, wait, did she black out from the blood loss or what?
People don't just randomly loose consciousness when they
orgasm. If that were the case, pornos would be full of
people wearing helmets.
Totoro opened his eyes, and flicked his tongue against the
my nose; a farewell, I was sure.
Totoro: Okay then, I'm gonna get some sleep; your money's on
the dresser. Oh, and use the key under the mat to lock the
door behind you.
I took my leave, snuggling my face into Totoro's fur, and
whispering "Thank you" as I left, and headed back to the
filled with a sense of purpose.
"Must... take... scalding hot... shower...!"
I slipped inside just as the sun was rising and tiptoed into
the bedroom, finding my husband sound asleep, an early
erection raising the covers. Climbing under the covers with
I carefully straddled his hips, and lowered myself onto his
After being penetrated by Totoro's freakish monster schlong,
that must have been a lot like covering a mushroom with a
deflated hot air balloon.
His eyes opened as I slid down, and he smiled as I reached
bottom. "I love you," he whispered, and "I love you, too," I
told him as I began to move above him.
Husband: Oh honey, I... *sniff* Eww, what smells like wet
Our daughter is five years old now, and she loves the
stories I tell her about Totoro, though I've never told her
what happened the night she was conceived.
Smart move. I mean, holy shit, I literally cannot think of a
way you could screw a child up any faster.
She's looking forward to exploring when we return to the
cottage this summer; I'm sure she wants to meet Totoro for
Taking your five-year-old daughter into the woods alone to
show her to the giant monster that likes to lure women into
its den at night and then rape them is your best idea yet,
you crazy whore. After that, leave her in the car during a
heat wave while you spend seven straight hours shopping for
more "World's Best Mom" t-shirts.
Me? I'm looking forward to returning too, though for
quite another reason: I want my second child to be conceived
in the same place as the first.
Inside a twisted web of lies and adultery? Oh, you mean the
My husband laughs when I say that,
and asks me how I can be
so sure I'll get pregnant during the short time we'll be
just smile. After all, I can't very well tell him that I'm
Totoro will be helping out, now can I?
Come to think of it, how exactly would getting boned by
Totoro help her conceive a child, anyway? Unless Totoro is
the one getting her pregnant, in which case that's pretty
messed up that she wants to give birth to more freaky,
bloated, half-hamster mutant children.
Good news, folks: You just survived reading a story about
interspecies lovemaking based on a movie made for preteens!
Unfortunately, there's also some bad news: You just survived
reading a story about interspecies lovemaking based on a movie
made for preteens.
Now that you've personally witnessed the bar for unethical
perversion in amateur storytelling being raised so high that it
pierces the earth's atmosphere and enters orbit alongside
various defunct shopping network satellites and Sean Penn's ego,
you might be wondering what comes next. No doubt you can see
that gargantuan wave of depression rising up in the distance
like an approaching tsunami, but is it better to lay down and
accept the end of all happiness in your life, or preemptively
eat a bullet to spare yourself decades of bleak, unending
While I don't have an answer for how you can best deal with the
impending future of infinite anguish and hopelessness to which
I've unwittingly doomed you, I can at least steer things in a
somewhat more positive direction by focusing on the bright side
of that story. First off, it was relatively short, which is
always a huge plus when it comes to erotica written by people
who shouldn't be allowed in the same time zone as a working
internet connection. Second, and more importantly, I can't tell
you how glad I am that the main character was aged well into
adulthood. The whole "she needs Totoro's help to get knocked up"
plot device was utterly asinine, but I am grateful that
Dickerydoo at least had the good sense to not make the fanfic
take place during the same timeframe as the original film. As
creepy as Totoro having sex with a grown woman was, Totoro
having sex with an eight-year-old girl would have been so
exceedingly repulsive that whenever I try to envision a mental
picture of that scenario, my brain blacks out for a moment and
then replaces the image with a continuous five-second loop of
dancing cartoon cows.
Now that I've been fair and given Didjeridoobie his rightful pat
on the back, it's time for me to administer an equally
well-deserved uppercut to the groin. Even with the absence of
pedophilic content, "Helping Paws" is still a worse creation
than the serrated steel butt plug, and less than half as useful
when it comes to making sane people horny.
Quite frankly, I don't want to live in a world where a person
can watch one of Miyazaki's films and think "Hey, that would
make for some great jerkin' off material!" while not
contemplating such things from the inside of a space shuttle
moments away from being fired directly into the sun. And yet,
here we are. God help me, I'm trapped in the same world as these
maniacs. Try as I might to fight this growing trend of freaks
defiling countless childhoods, it's only a matter of time before
somebody writes Porkin' Rosso, or Princess Monobukkake,
or Kiki's "Special" Delivery Service, or Pornyo.
Forget what I said about taking a more positive approach to all
of this. There's no place for joy in an existence that involves
Totoro smut. Obviously, the only remaining option is to hate
everyone and everything.