Welcome to the official Project AFTER homepage! If this is your first time visiting, then please come in and enjoy the site's many exciting and comical features* that exist solely for your entertainment. Please feel free to bookmark the site in case you want to come back and view it again at a later time. Return visitors are almost unheard of around here, but hey, maybe you'll have unusually low standards or something. "But hold on a minute. What is this 'Project AFTER' phenomenon you speak of, anyway?" If that's what you were thinking just now, then congratulate yourself for pondering a damn good question! First, let's start with the meaning behind the site's rather cryptic title. Project A.F.T.E.R. is actually an acronym for:

Project Anime Fanfiction: Twisted Entertainment Review

News and Updates

April 01, 2013

The economy is changing yet again, folks. Thanks to the Chinese and Obamanomics obliterating the American job market, young entrepreneurs looking to achieve fame and fortune here in the Land of Opportunity no longer have the option of using sensible investments and their own creativity to gain capital for new ventures. Instead, our generation has pioneered a smarter way to pursue the means to make our dreams come true: begging strangers for free money.

While our senile elders reminisce about the "good old days" when earning a living meant working hard, the forward-thinking members of Generation Y have discovered the benefits of the digital age by using platforms such as Kickstarter and Indiegogo to score some cash from other forward-thinking members of Generation Y who are still earning an allowance from their parents and have no concept of what anything should cost. With groundbreaking projects like Tropes vs. Women in Video Games, BronyCon: The Documentary, and Pure Pwnage: Teh Movie having earned their creators hundreds of thousands of dollars in backer donations, I believe the time is right to capitalize on this new market and earn the funding needed to keep Project AFTER growing.

At the time of this writing, I've yet to find an online crowdfunding platform that will host the Project AFTER fundraising campaign as I originally envisioned it. This, however, is merely a temporary setback. I'm so confident that YOUR money will soon be in my pockets, in fact, that I've decided to unveil my plans for the fundraiser in advance! Read on to find out what exciting opportunities await your checkbook in the near future!
 

Since 2003, Project AFTER has provided entertainment to audiences around the world completely free of charge. All that is about to change, however, as we prepare for the launch of our very first fundraising campaign. This is an exciting opportunity for YOU, the readers, to become involved in the process of creating new updates. Those of you who lack the creative skills necessary to play an active role in content development are in luck! Absolutely no talent whatsoever is needed to support your favorite website. All you need to lend a helping hand is money! Sweet, sweet money.

Just think of your donation as an investment opportunity; by helping ensure the future growth of PA, you're guaranteed regular returns in the form of laughter. Did you know that most financial experts consider donations to websites an essential part of any properly diversified portfolio? And really, with the economy the way it is today, what else are you going to invest in? The stock market? Yeah, that sure worked out swell for Bruce Wayne. Precious metals? Gold and silver may be hot today, but the trends of tomorrow could see the market favoring magnesium and palladium. Investing in digital assets is the only smart choice.

Also t-shirts. Be sure to invest heavily in Project AFTER t-shirts once we get those rolling out.
 

If you began to whip out your credit card just now and paused for a moment, it was likely to ask yourself, "Just how much of my money should I donate?" A good starting point is 10% of your total net worth. That's how much God asks for, and we're pretty sure God is already rich enough as it is.

A small number of you may have instead asked, "Why is this person suddenly demanding advanced payment for a service that has traditionally been offered for free?" The answer is far too complicated to fully explain here, but it basically boils down to three factors:

1. The recession has resulted in creative innovators being too afraid to enter the market with new products and inventions due to the perceived inevitability of losing their investments. Because the principals of supply and demand present risk, overly-cautious freelancers have adapted a secondary economic system based on the concept of supply TO demand, where the customer base is established prior to production instead of after.

2. The drastically increased number of people making large purchases online has created a new market that caters exclusively to impulse buyers whose spending habits are largely influenced by social media campaigns and the presence of an incremental reward system that encourages repeat business before a product or service has even been delivered.

3. Everybody else is doing it and I want to be cool.

Besides, hosting a crowdfunding campaign is essentially offering a form of entertainment by itself. It's like a big party where everyone can get together and join in supporting a common goal while getting to feel like they're playing an active role in the creation of something they like! Some people say you can't buy happiness, but they're wrong.
 

Our estimates show that developing a new episode of Project AFTER will cost approximately $150,000. Here's a breakdown of how all that paper will be spent:

(Click the image for the full resolution.)

$35,000 - Research Materials: In order to write new content for the site, I have to comb through FanFiction.Net to find crap to make fun of. That takes time, and time is money.

$20,000 - QA Testing: Quality assurance not only requires an extremely high level of education, but it is also among the most demanding and work-intensive jobs on the planet. Unsurprisingly, professional testers require significant compensation for the vital skills they bring to the table.

$5,000 - Booze: All the years spent subjecting myself to the most vile fan creations on the internet have left me in a rather fragile emotional state that requires... sedation. Since I don't trust pharmaceutical companies, liquor has proven the best way to keep the demons quiet. And let me tell you, the good stuff ain't cheap.

$10,000 - Additional Booze: Seriously, I cannot overstate what a stressful job this is.

$10,000 - 1st Party Certification: I saw this written on one of our financial reports and didn't bother to ask what it meant. Your guess is as good as mine.

$25,000 - Gambling Debts: It turns out playing mahjong isn't as easy as those guys from the Yakuza made it sound. Writing fanfiction reviews is going to be awfully tough with a couple of broken thumbs.

$15,000 - Cody Baier's Artist Fee: To be perfectly frank, fifteen grand seems a little steep for a single sketch. But hey, who am I to argue the value of great art!

$30,000 - Rewards: That's right folks, we have to take even more of your money in order to pay for the incentives we're giving you in exchange for your money. It's actually kind of funny when you think about it. Haha!
 

We sure as shit aren't planning to put the breaks on the gravy train any time soon. As long as our generous supporters keep the cash a-flowin', we'll keep the collection plate open! If folks can find it in their hearts to keep sending money after the initial goal has been met, we've got even more exciting carrots to dangle on those sticks:

$375,000: Second New Episode

If we manage to raise $350,000, we'll begin production on a second brand new fanfiction mockery! It will cost more than the first one because of inflation, or something.

$500,000: Second New Episode Special Edition

If we manage to raise $500,000, we'll pull out all the stops and make the second new episode of PA all it can be! I'm talking spellchecking, a page background, functional HTML code, the works!

$700,000: Project AFTER Classroom Curriculum

If we manage to raise $700,000, I will create a curriculum with teaching guides and classroom activities that will aid instructors in teaching their students about the art and science of semi-professional fanfiction critiquing. With this five-slide PowerPoint presentation in hand, educators everywhere will finally be able to transform this entertainment website into a source of many tedious homework assignments!

$1,000,000: Project AFTER Trading Card Game

If we manage to raise a cool million, we'll develop a full-featured TCG based on the world of Project AFTER. Those are still popular nowadays, right?

$2,500,000: Fundraiser Behind-the-Scenes Documentary

If we manage to raise $2,500,000, we'll film a feature-length documentary detailing the inspiring journey that led the PA staff to make this fundraising campaign a reality. I personally decided I didn't want to do this unless we could land Morgan Freeman as the narrator, and it turns out that dude does not come cheap. Who knew getting an old guy to talk over a movie would be so fucking expensive. Oh well, it isn't my money that's gonna pay his ass!
 

Naturally, this wouldn't be a proper crowdfunding campaign without some tangible rewards to help convince you folks to part ways with all that dough. At this time, we're still ironing out the details of our reward system and designing contributor tiers ranging from 'Disgusting, Stingy Miser' for contributions of less than $100 all the way up to 'Marginally Less Slimy Enemy of Capitalism' for contributions of $50,000 or more. We'll have a full catalogue of awesome PA swag ready by the time this campaign launches, but you can get an early sneak peek at some of the bitchin' bonuses you'll have to look forward to below:

Write a Front Page News Update - Your chance to write a news update for this very page! I normally write these myself, but now you can pay for the privilege of doing my work for me!

Hidden Camera Footage - We'll send you a Blu-ray disc containing two full hours of HD footage retrieved from a hidden "bathroom cam" set up in the home of a random PA forum member!

Project AFTER Flamethrower - The kids will love it! Everyone knows online flame wars are retarded, but real flame wars are awesome!

Colored Zodiac Sign Tote Bags - Did you know that you can't trademark symbols that are in the public domain? Apparently the guy who makes Homestuck didn't! Hahahaha! Eat a dick, loser!

Skype Chat with Liz Chen - PA forum moderator and professional voice actress Liz "TigerEyes" Chen will call you on Skype and yell the N-word for fifteen straight minutes!

Alex Barry Dinner - PA creator and webmaster Alex Barry will eat dinner at the restaurant of your choice and send you the bill!

Project AFTER Gold Membership - Receive an exclusive lifetime membership to PA Gold! The Gold site is exactly like the free version with identical content, but you'll get access to a customizable user profile featuring over 100 unlockable achievements to show everyone how much you love reading PA! You'll also be automatically signed up for a weekly e-mail newsletter that's impossible to unsubscribe from! Wow!

With these and other tantalizing rewards waiting to enrich the lives of contributors, I know it's inevitable that Project AFTER will meet its funding goal—and beyond! After all, if goddamned Furcadia can raise over a hundred grand, you morons will obviously throw money at anyone who asks for it.

In closing, thank you in advance for aaaaaall that shiny bank you people are soon going to dump in my lap. I guarantee it won't be a decision that you immediately regret probably.
 

February 14, 2013

Holy shit stealth update sneak attack!! Bet you didn't see this one coming. Well, before anyone gets their hopes up, let me first of all make it clear that I'm not ending site's hiatus just yet. I've found I rather enjoy wallowing in the dregs of existential despondency, so I think I'll extend this vacation for a while longer. Consider this update a brief hiatus from the hiatus—a virtual postcard, if you will, sent home to let everyone know I'm still alive and enjoying the surprisingly pleasant weather out here in the wastelands of perpetual lethargy.

The special occasion that has drawn my attention back to the internet is, of course, the arrival of Valentine's Day. While I've never personally been huge into this particular holiday (in my mind it qualifies as one of the "bullshit holidays" along with Columbus Day, Earth Day, and Kwanzaa), it does succeed in generating enough public interest to provide a solid foundation for a themed update. For instance, it gives me a good excuse to write at length about how much I hate people's reaction to this day in My Bloody Annoying Valentine. That article/rant/whatever you want to call it was first published on the site a year ago, but I encourage everyone to give it a second look now that I've gone through and given it the old George Lucas treatment and changed a bunch of random things for no good reason. Actually, that's not entirely true; the original version of that piece was extremely rushed and in dire need of a rewrite. While the updated version attempts to make a lot of the same points, I think it reads a bit better and (hopefully) comes off feeling less preachy and more like something meant to provide entertainment. It also includes a handful of images now, so those of you with especially short attention spans can skip over all the boring words entirely and just look at the pictures.

Next up is something that hasn't been seen on PA in quite some time: a new original Guest Special! This one is an oldie (but a goodie) written by our old pal Dai Ou prior to his mysterious disappearance back in 2006 when he was shot 47 times in the chest at point-blank range by bank robbers. Finally freed from the confines of my backup hard drive to bedazzle a new generation of readers, Project AFTER is proud to present A Happy Little Bumblebee's Valentine's Day Surprise. I know this one has been sitting on the shelf for a long time, but if you can't figure out why I waited until today to upload it, then you'd better hurry up and read it before the nurse comes back and finds out you're no longer playing that educational Flash game where the duckies teach you about simple shapes and colors.

That's all I've got prepared for this little love parade, folks. Before I return to the bliss of complete unproductivity, allow me to leave you all with some topical words of wisdom: Whether you're having a totally awesome Valentine's Day or a thoroughly lousy one, just remember that, either way, nobody else gives a shit.

January 01, 2013

Happy New Year, everybody. I could think of no better time to break the lingering silence on the site's front page than on the day when we celebrate the end of the worst year ever. Or maybe you disagree—-maybe 2012 was a pretty good year for you and now you're looking forward to another twelve months of prosperous and exciting new ventures to explore. If so, then feel free to go fuck yourself. Everyone has accepted that 2012 was the most miserable year in the annals of recorded history, and just because you somehow managed to luck out and keep your head buried in the sand during the last 365 366 days of soul-crushing drudgery without suffocating doesn't mean anyone is obligated to pay you or your dumb opinions any mind.

I actually wasn't planning on waiting until the new year to make an update. Then again, not many of the plans I've made lately have worked out. Truth be told, I was banking pretty hard on that 12/21/12 apocalypse negating any further need for me to do anything with the site. But, like so very many things I was looking forward to last year, that didn't end up panning out. Thanks for nothing yet again, Mayans. So anyway, here we are. It was a rough ride, but those of us who made it through the economic collapse and the wars and the terrorist attacks and the televised Justin Bieber concerts and the shootings and the various personal troubles can stand together and look ahead to the dawn of a new year with fresh hope that things won't suck quite so hard this time around. I know it's just another Tuesday with no special properties of renewal, of course, and believing anything else is falling prey to idiotic superstition. I don't care. My survival during the past several months has required a daily ritual of sitting in a dark room and reassuring myself over and over again that 2013 will be better as if I were reciting a religious mantra—I need this idiotic superstition to avoid having a complete breakdown.

Believe it or not, I don't mean to bitch. I guess I'm just trying to paint a picture of why PA hasn't seen a lot of activity recently. Without delving into the gritty details nobody really wants to know about, my situation hasn't evoked the kind of mood that makes it easy to write jokes. My health hasn't exactly been fantastic, either. I'm sure I could dredge up more excuses, but I suppose it doesn't matter. I've confessed my sin of letting the dust pile up around here for whatever collection of reasons, so nobody can fault me for refusing to accept the blame (although, to be fair, I think the fucking Mayans owe someone an apology here).

As for the future... Well, it's much too early to say whether or not this year will actually be any more tolerable than the last one. Regardless, I have no intention of abandoning PA. I am going to be taking a short break from working on the site, though, because I think I've earned it. Not to say that I consider this a responsibility from which I need to earn time off, just that... Huh. What the hell DO I mean by that?

Let's back up a little bit. Whether or not they admit it, the greatest fear of every creative individual is losing their audience. The overpaid Hollywood superstar and the poverty-stricken street performer are more or less in the same boat there, as are all the lonely, unimportant boys and girls putting their every thought and feeling and opinion up for public display on the internet. The fear of being ignored is especially real for those of us working for free, since our motivation is far more personal and desperate than the pursuit of a paycheck—we're basically starving parasites that require a host to survive. The only difference is, instead of precious bodily fluids, we feed off of attention and recognition (you can decide for yourself which is ultimately more disgusting). As sad and pathetic as it may be, I don't want to lose my audience.

My past attempts at bargaining with readers to keep providing the site with traffic during a hiatus have historically netted surprisingly good results. I can't say I'm at all proud of that, but I am grateful. As I wrote about in the site's ninth anniversary update, 2012 was a year in which Project AFTER owed its sustained existence to the dedication of contributors and fans more so than anything I accomplished by myself. I'd like to start making up for that in the near future, but first I need a rest. I'm tired in every conceivable way a person can be tired. This is the kind of fatigue where one either throws in the towel or resorts to illegal stimulants to stay productive in exchange for shaving years off of one's lifespan. Tempting as the latter option sounds, I figure I'm already headed for an early enough grave as it is.

So, no, I suppose I haven't "earned" a break from the site since it's absurd to think I'd need to earn the ability to cease any activity which I'm neither financially nor morally obligated to continue. What I would like to think I've earned is the right to humbly request that those of you who've enjoyed any aspect of the site up to this point continue to keep the URL in your favorites menu while I step outside for a smoke. Maybe check back once in a while to see if anything new has gone up, since I promise it will eventually. Just not right now... Not before I've had a chance to lean back and breathe a heavy sigh of relief as I pretend that having a new calendar on the wall means anything else in the world has changed.

November 11, 2012

Those of you living in the United States don't need me to tell you that the past week has been an eventful one. I'm going to tell you anyway, though, since it fills space and creates the illusion that I put some thought into these updates.

Another Election Day descended upon the populace like a plague of locusts last Tuesday, leaving in its wake another gaping divide between our nation's two major political parties: hillbillies and lesbians. Votes were counted, numbers were disputed, unhelpfully obvious statements were dispensed, and important decisions were made. Among the most significant choices facing voters was whether our government should once again raise taxes or simply leave things the way they are before bursting into hysterical laughter and exclaiming, "Psyche! We're totally raising taxes! You should have seen the looks on your faces, boy oh boy." Washington proved it was the most progressive state in the union when its residents voted to legalize recreational marijuana and same-sex marriage: two historic events that succeeded in briefly reminding the rest of America that oh yeah, Washington is a state too, isn't it. Didn't Frasier live there? Then of course there was the bid for the presidency, which saw another close race (depending on who you ask) between two men who proved they have that rare talent to stand up and make roughly half of an entire country vehemently despise the air they breathe.

All of that excitement and drama is now behind us, though. Whether or not you're satisfied with the results of this latest proud moment in democracy doesn't matter anymore, because no one can change the past. More importantly, regardless of whatever momentary illusion of power you might have enjoyed while filling in those little boxes on that slip of paper, the truth remains that no one can change the future, either. So let us put all the partisan bickering behind us and turn our attention to something that actually matters: making fun of nerds who care way, way too much about anime.

Project AFTER has some of the best fans of any mildly popular humor site on the internet. If you have the effrontery to doubt that statement, I need only refer you to the latest collection of results for the Cosplay Caption Contest. To be able to face such mind-breaking terror week after week and somehow find the resolve to laugh at visions of humanity at its most depraved and pathetic is a feat few communities could handle, and it fills me with pride to stand alongside such relentlessly cynical men and women.

The CCC celebrated five years of activity just yesterday with the opening of contest #129, and the captions still keep on coming. If you'd like to get in on the fun and pursue this golden opportunity to score some easy e-fame, then sign up on the PA Forums and find out if you have what it takes to build yourself up by tearing down some poorly-dressed geeks.